“He...” Her voice cracked. “He doesn’t love me anymore.”
Anger rose up from a dark pit in my stomach. “He’s stupid not to.” Liv was the most lovable person I’d ever met.
She shook her head, sniffling. “I don’t know how to make him love me again. I can’t change who I am.”
“No. You shouldn’t have to.” My eyes stung from trying to hold back my tears. Emotions swirled inside me, tightening my chest with their intensity. Fear, hope, anger, lust. I couldn’t decide which to feel. They all came at once, a hurricane of anguish.
“I love you.” It was barely a whisper and surprised me as much as it seemed to surprise her.
“What?” Her wide eyes flew to mine.
My lips sealed shut, the fleeting courage gone. I hadn’t meant for this to be the time and the place for it. I wanted to kick myself, or bang my head on a wall. But now it was out and too late to take back. Would she reject me?
“You love me?” she asked in a small voice, reminding me of how vulnerable her heart was. But unlike her father, I’d treat her heart carefully, like the beautiful thing it was.
I nodded, unable to lie even to save face.
Her lips curved, slowly, into a smile that warmed my soul. “I love you too.”
Skeptical, I gave her a sidelong glance. “You don’t have to say it because I did.”
“I’m not, stupid.” She chuckled. “I’ve loved you for a while now.”
What? Why didn’t she say so?
“I didn’t think you were ready to hear it,” she answered my unspoken question. “I mean, you wouldn’t even admit you were bi.”
Then I smiled – no, grinned, like a goofy, love-sick puppy. She grinned back at me and neither of us knew what to say.
So we looked at the stars again, not needing answers this time. In this moment, we were invincible.
Chapter 17
“What the hell?” I yelled in the hallway outside of English class. “C minus?” The angry red letter on the top of the paper glared at me. My untarnished A- record ruined. I wasn’t positive the grade would actually bring it down yet, but it still made me furious. And confused. The essay was as well-written and thought out as any of my others this year and I’d always gotten As. What changed?
I turned toward the class room and caught Miss Troy staring at me, her lips pursed. Why did it look like she hated me?
“I got a C too,” Liv said, sighing. “This is bullshit. It was the best paper I’ve ever written. Stupid homophobic, small-minded idiots.”
Wait. What? This was because –
“Dyke,” someone muttered behind us in the hallway. A few students snickered.
Liv just shook her head. We’d been getting more comments since the haircut. I hated this place. Tears stung my eyes. Between the bad grade and the derogatory comments, I felt torn between crying and telling somebody off. The worst part was I couldn’t even report the injustice. Nobody would believe a student over a teacher, and it would risk outing me to my parents. This sucked. I’d never felt so helpless in all my life. And it would be like this for Liv for the rest of her life. There’s the proof that being gay wasn’t a choice. Who in their right mind would choose this?
“Oh my god!” Gabby spotted us from down the hallway and froze.
“Here we go,” I mumbled.
She rushed toward us, eyes wide and glued to Liv’s head. “What did you do?” she cried when she reached us. “Your beautiful hair!”
Liv chuckled. “It’ll grow back. Why does everyone act like I chopped off a limb or something?”
Frowning, she answered, “It was the one thing that made you look like a girl.”
“Dude.” Liv gestured down her body. “I have tits. And I dress like a girl.”
“A weird girl.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
Taylor strolled out of the classroom, chewing gum loudly. “I heard Gabby shrieking. What’s going –” When her gaze met Liv, she paused. “Oh. Nice haircut.”
“Thanks.” Liv smiled.
Jealousy speared me. Liv and Taylor had a lot in common. They both wore black, they were unconventional and sarcastic, and out of everyone at Freedom High, the New York transplant would’ve been the first guess to go bi. With me coming in last.
That and the bad grade made me grumpy. The three of them were talking but I was too distracted to keep up. The warning bell rang. Taylor disappeared back into the classroom and Gabby rushed down the hallway. I was alone with Liv, who bit her lip and smiled at me. Suddenly, my mood lifted. She always managed to do that – shift my moods with just a look. It was like a superpower.
“See you in Biology?” she said. Two periods left, the last one without her. “I’ll meet you by the car.”
“Okay.” I wanted to kiss her goodbye, like all the girlfriends did when they were dropped off at class by their boyfriends. I also wanted to say I love you. Since we’d said it a few days ago, I’d been finding every reason and moment to say it again. I loved it. It rolled off my tongue so naturally. And when she said it back, I got all warm and melty inside.
Instead of a kiss and an I love you, we smiled awkwardly and turned for class. The words lingered between us anyway. We could both see it in each other’s eyes.
***
I yawned and tried to focus my eyes on the board where Mr. Marks was pointing. His voice sounded distant and I couldn’t make sense of the writing. I needed to start going to bed earlier instead of texting with Liv all hours of the night.
“Audrey,” he said.
I shot up straight in my seat, trying to look like I’d been paying attention. Liv chuckled softly.
“You look like you need a walk.”
“Uhh.” The whole class stared at me. A few of them giggled. “Sure.”
Looking slightly amused at having embarrassed me, he wrote on a slip of paper. “Take this to Room 305. Miss Robson should have a box for you to bring back.”
Nodding, I took the paper and left the room. I had no idea what I was supposed to be getting but the walk and cool air in the hallway perked me up. Room 305 was empty so I didn’t bother knocking before walking through the open door.
Miss Robson sat at the desk in front of the lab tables, looking down at a stack of papers, probably grading tests.
I cleared my throat as I approached.
She lifted her head. “Oh, hi, Audrey.” Her warm smile made me smile back.
“Hi.” I held out the piece of paper when I reached her desk. “Mr. Marks needs a box of something.”
She took the paper and frowned at it for a moment. “Ah. Okay. It’s right over here.” She pushed away from the desk and went to the closet in the corner of the room. After pulling out a box, she brought it over to me. “Here we are. It’s just a box of petri dishes. Shouldn’t be too heavy.”
“Okay.”
I tucked the box under one arm then turned to leave. A second later, I stopped. Not long ago, she’d advised me and Liv to be more careful about PDA. At the Science Museum. Liv had suspected Miss Robson was gay.
Slowly, I spun back around, cocking my head to the side and assessing her. It was clear my gaydar was broken but I looked anyway. For signs. What signs, I didn’t know. It wasn’t as if the Lesbian Club of America gave out pins or anything. Or that there was even such a thing as the Lesbian Club of America. But I was starting to feel like there should be something that made these things more obvious. If guidance counselors and church pastors and parents were against us, how were we supposed to know who was safe to talk to?
Miss Robson didn’t wear combat boots or rainbow suspenders or even have short hair. She looked like every other middle-aged teacher in this place - professional and totally boring. I decided to take a risk and ask anyway.
“Um. At the Science Museum, you said...” I paused, staring at the floor. “You sounded like you were –”
“I can’t talk about my personal life with students,” she said, saving me from my discomfort.
I lifted my gaze, disappointed but somewhat relieved. “Oh. Right.” Of course. It was stupid to ask. Sighing, I turned to leave again.
“But...”
I spun to face her.
“If I was going to give advice about that sort of thing, to someone other than a student, of course...” Her gaze pierced mine, seeming like she was trying to beam a message into my brain. “I would remind them that they have their whole lives ahead of them. And that even though it seems impossible now, it does get better. Not perfect. But a little better.”
My feet felt stuck to the floor as I stared at her. A teacher had basically just admitted she was gay. Right here in front of me. Me and Liv weren’t the only ones in this stupid small town after all. I couldn’t wait to tell Liv she’d been right.
When I didn’t move, Miss Robson arched a brow. “Get back to class, Audrey.”
“Oh.” I came back to life. “Okay. Bye.” As a second thought, I added, “And thanks.”
Even though she couldn’t openly be an ally, it still felt good knowing there was someone out there who understood. Someone who approved. It wasn’t much, but it was something. And sometimes the small somethings had to be enough.
***
Winter had finally arrived in southern Indiana. My boots crunched on the snowy walkway. Instead of fighting through the crowded hallways after last period, I went out one of the side doors and took a shortcut around the building. The blanket of snow made the trek eerily quiet.
Crunching footsteps mimicked my own behind me and I spun around to see who else had taken the same path. Grayson was there, moving quickly to close the distance between us.
“Oh.” I smiled slightly. “You scared me.”
His eyes darkened and narrowed as they swept me from head to toe. Not in a flattering, checking me out way – in a dirty, angry way.
I took a step back. “Um. Heading to the parking lot too?”
“No. I came to talk to you.”
“Okay.” My heart started to pound painfully in my chest. The way his brow shadowed his eyes scared me. His fists clenched as he took the last few steps between us and hovered over me.
Instinctively, I moved back, but stopped when my back hit the building. He had me trapped.
His nostrils flared with each breath. “So you dumped me for that dyke?” he spat.
“W-what?” I shook my head. “No. It wasn’t like that.”
“Was I not good enough for you?” His voice sounded thick with anger. “You didn’t let me fuck you so how do you know you wouldn’t like it?”
Terror seized me, making it hard to breathe. “Let me go, Grayson.”
“Fuck you.” He pushed me back against the brick wall, hard enough to make me yelp. “Do you know how embarrassing this is? That you dumped me for some lesbian!”
I sifted through ideas so fast, my head spun. What should I do? The venom in his voice paralyzed me. What was Grayson capable of? Would he hurt me? Would he rape me? Tears pricked my eyes. Should I kick him and run? Yell for help? I glanced behind him but there was no one there.
He stared down at me, red-faced, chest heaving. He was going to do something bad. I could tell by the look in his eye.
“Grayson,” I whispered. “Don’t.”
His lips crushed mine, sealing off any protest. I tried to pull away but he caged me with his arms. Tongue shoved down my throat, I could barely breathe, let alone yell for help. I pushed at his chest but he didn’t budge. So I did the only thing left I could. I bit him.
He recoiled, swearing.
I took advantage of his surprise and shoved him as hard as I could. He stumbled back and I ran.
“Bitch!” he yelled after me.
When it looked like he wasn’t going to follow, and the parking lot was in sight, I slowed my pace. Tears slid down my cheeks, but I tried to keep from losing it completely. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. My hands trembled and I gripped my messenger bag tighter in an effort to keep them still.
The taste of Grayson on my lips made me want to vomit.
“Audrey!”
At the sound of Liv’s voice, I rushed ahead. Tears fell faster and a whimper escaped me. When I looked up, her face shifted from happy to concerned. She opened her arms and I walked straight into them. Deep sobs wracked my body and she held me tight.
“What’s wrong?” She petted my hair. “What happened?”
I shook my head, unable to find my voice.
“Shh. Let’s go to the car.” Wrapping an arm around my shoulders, she steered me to the car just a few feet away.
After I slid into the passenger seat, she went around to the other side then started the car and blasted the heat. “Tell me what happened.”
I swiped at my tears and took a few calming breaths. “Grayson just...” How did I even explain it? “Kiss raped me.”
Her eyes widened. “What? That asshole! Are you okay?” Grabbing me by the shoulders again, she hugged me against her body and kissed my hair. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. You didn’t deserve that.”
I closed my eyes and buried my face into her shirt, inhaling her, letting the warmth of her body soothe my soul, like it always did.
“We have to tell Principal Locke.”
I jolted upright. “No!”
“We can’t let Grayson get away with that. We have to tell someone.”
“No. Please no. They’ll tell my parents. Even if we deny we’re a couple, and say he’s making it up, I can’t risk them even questioning it.”
She started shaking her head.
“Please, Liv!” I begged. “You can’t tell anyone! It’ll ruin everything. Please!”
After a long look and a sigh, she conceded. “Fine. We won’t tell anyone.”
I relaxed.
“But for the record, I think this is wrong.”
Since when was Liv the moral compass of this relationship?
“Also...” She gave me a squeeze. “I really want to kick his ass.”
I chuckled humorlessly. If he tried something like that again, I’d let her. Or maybe I’d go to the principal. Would he even help? Or would he side with everyone else in this small-minded place and think I deserved it? I wished Miss Robson was the principal.
When Liv leaned in to kiss me, I cringed and ducked away. “You don’t wanna do that right now. Let me wash my mouth out first.”
“Okay.” She smiled. “To my house?”
“Sure.”
We sure as hell couldn’t go to mine. Not with puffy eyes and fragile emotions. No one would be home to ask questions at Liv’s house. I could rinse out my mouth then let Liv erase all memory of him.
The car ride was deathly quiet. Every time I looked at Liv, she was frowning at the road, as if she were running over puppies or something. Did I do something wrong? Maybe I shouldn’t have taken the shortcut, but how should I have known Gray was capable of being such a dick?
Finally, I couldn’t take the silence anymore. “You’re not talking to me.” Sadness leaked into my voice. Did she blame me for what’d happened? Was she mad that Gray had kissed me?
She let out a long sigh. “I just feel like this is my fault.”
“What?” Was she serious? “If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine for taking a shortcut behind the building.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Well, what could possibly make this your fault?”
She hesitated and I knew I wouldn’t like her answer. Her face crumpled with torment. “If I didn’t go turning you bi, none of this would’ve happened.”
Not this again. When was she going to get over the fact that I’d chosen her, knowing parts of this would be hard? She seemed to find any reason to feel guilty about me loving her. No matter what I said, it always came up again. “Maybe there wouldn’t be so many challenges but there wouldn’t be the good stuff either.”
“I don’t know that the good outweighs the bad.”
“It does.”
“You could have
a boyfriend right now and be planning for prom and never know any other way.” Her voice got louder in the small car and I felt like I was being lectured. “If you and I went to prom together, we’d be kicked out. I ruined your perfect, normal, little world.”
“I wish you’d stop saying that.” I scowled at her. “It’s my right to have an imperfect, abnormal world if I want to.” It came out petulant and childish, especially when I crossed my arm and sulked.
She glanced at me twice, briefly taking her eyes off the road. The second time, she grinned. “You’re crazy.”
The argument felt silly now. The words I’d spat sunk in and I realized how ridiculous I’d sounded. After chuckling a moment, I said, “You’re worth it.” That part I meant with every serious fiber of my being.
“So you won’t do anything about that asshole, Graydon?”
“Grayson.” I could still taste him in my mouth and it disgusted me. I couldn’t believe I’d ever let him kiss me before, or that I’d liked it. “No. There’s nothing to do but avoid him.”
She sighed. “No more shortcuts.”
“Yeah.” I wasn’t used to having to worry about that kind of thing. Other than holding onto my purse in the movie theater, I hadn’t thought about being a victim of a crime. Was this how life would always be if I chose to be with a girl? Did all guys feel emasculated by it or just the assholes?
That was another one of those questions I wished I had someone to ask, which reminded me... “I talked to Miss Robson today. You were totally right about her being gay.”
She shrugged. “Of course I was.”
“Cocky,” I teased.
“So what’d she say? She admitted it?”
“Not in so many words. It was implied. She said it gets better. That it’s hard now but it gets better. She probably means after high school.”
“Probably. I can’t see it getting better before then. Unless we move.” She turned the corner toward her house. “We should move.”
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