Putting my pillow over my head, I willed myself to fall back to sleep, for at least the day, though forever would be good too. Asleep I didn’t have to deal with the truth. In dreamland, I could be with Liv, pretend this never happened.
Still drained from yesterday, I started to drift off.
A knock at the door jolted me awake.
“Audrey?” my mom said. “Are you up?”
Groaning, I yelled back, “No. I’m sick. Not going to school.”
She knew I wasn’t sick, but she left me anyway. For that, I was thankful. It was only Wednesday. Would they let me stay home the rest of the week? I couldn’t face Liv. Not yet. Maybe not ever. Could I change school districts? Could they homeschool me?
Falling asleep was harder with questions floating through my mind. I didn’t know how to deal with this, and I didn’t want to be forced to. Running away would be better than seeing Liv at school, over and over again.
For the rest of the day, I hid in my room. I barely touched my food – everything was tasteless anyway. Studying didn’t distract me like I’d hoped. All it did was make me picture Liv quizzing me, making a buzzer sound when I got a question wrong then getting in a giggling wrestling match when it annoyed me too much.
I tried reading my book for English but then I pictured her there, across the room, passing me mischievous looks.
Everything reminded me of her. And for that, I hated her. I loved her more than anything in the world and I hated her guts. How was that even possible?
The next morning, when my mom knocked at the door and I yelled I was sick, she walked into my room anyway.
“You can’t avoid school forever,” she said.
“Yes, I can. Homeschool me.”
She sighed. “You need to face her eventually.”
In response, I threw the covers over my head.
“You have one more day,” she said firmly. “Then you need to stop this sulking and go to school.”
“Send me to anti-gay camp,” I whined. “I’ll go. Please.”
“No.”
I pulled my blankets back to look at her, so she’d see the seriousness on my face. “What about that Christian school all the kids at church go to?”
She gave me an impatient look. “Do you want to talk to Pastor Dan? Or maybe his wife?”
They were the last people I wanted to talk to. I rolled my eyes.
“Okay. What about Gabby?”
I shook my head.
Her gaze dropped to the ground and she took a step closer. In a small voice, she said, “You can talk to me.”
Also one of the last people I wanted to talk to. “This is your fault. If you didn’t make such a big deal out of things, she wouldn’t have broken up with me.”
I wasn’t sure if that was true, but I didn’t care. It was easy to blame my mom when she stood over me, urging me to go to school to relive my heartbreak.
Maybe I loved the idea of you.
Her voice echoed in my mind. My eyes hurt. My head hurt. Everything hurt. And the memory made it worse. Tears fell, soaking my pillow for the millionth time.
She’d never loved me.
I flung the covers back over my head to hide from my mom. I didn’t want her sympathy.
“If there’s anything I can do to help you through this...”
“Turn back time,” I muttered. I didn’t know if that would help either. Knowing Liv didn’t love me was a game-changer. Would I go back to before I met her and just avoid her altogether? I wished I could go back to before the ski trip and freeze time. Maybe when we’d sat on the roof, talking about love and stars. Yeah, I’d freeze time there. Why had we ever left that rooftop? Why had we stopped questioning the stars?
***
Going back to school was a million times worse than I’d expected. It didn’t matter that I’d prepared myself to see her, numbed myself and tried to guard my heart, it still felt like a thousand needles stabbing me in the chest. I used to be so happy we had three classes together. Now it would be my undoing.
We avoided eye contact in Biology, but inevitably, our gazes locked. Sharing a lab table turned out to be pure torture. But her expression had changed since she’d broken up with me. Instead of that cold look that had choked me with its hardness, now her eyes were a soulful sadness. She looked at me the same way I looked at her – with an overwhelming sense of regret. Did she wish she could turn back time too? To before she’d met me?
My eyes stung. I was going to lose it.
Abandon ship, my head screamed.
I raised my hand and begged to use the bathroom. I managed to escape in time. After crying my heart out in the girls bathroom, ignoring the whispers of others who’d come in, I splashed water on my face before returning to class.
Liv didn’t look at me after that.
Thank the freakin’ Lord it was a lecture day and we didn’t have to interact. I made a mental note to ask Mr. Marks if I could change lab partners next class.
After first period, Gabby found me at my locker. I tensed for her attack, knowing my mom had called her hoping she could pull me out of my funk. But I wanted to stay numb, not be reminded with questions like “how are you holding up?” and “is there anything I can do for you?”
Gabby approached me, frowning. “How are you holding up?”
I almost rolled my eyes. I felt like the charity case at church. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
She nodded then stared at her shoes. “Okay. But I brought you something for lunch.”
My curiosity piqued. “What?”
“Brownies to drown your sorrows.”
Despite my best effort not to, I smiled. “Thanks, Gabby. That’s really nice of you.” I hadn’t been eating the last few days but chocolate was probably one of the only things I could manage to get down.
We met up at our usual table in the cafeteria. Taylor was there too. She didn’t give me sympathetic looks but she avoided the topic, instead droning on about mid-terms.
Gabby started talking prom again, chattering excitedly about how she thought Ryan Mulligan was going to ask her. I picked at the lunch my mom had packed me but stuffed my face full of brownies. It didn’t make me feel any better.
“Oooh!” Gabby shook my arm. “We can find you a date to prom! There’s no sense wasting the gorgeous dress you picked out. You can still have fun even if you just go with a friend.”
Our dream had always been to go to prom together, but somehow the idea of it made me want to throw up. It was still months away but the planning committee was hard at work, which meant it would be all Gabby talked about from now on.
My stomach felt sicker. How could I go to prom without Liv? For the last few months the question had always been, how could I go to prom with Liv? Now I’d do anything for her to be a choice. Even if we got laughed out or thrown out – I would go anyway.
The saying “you don’t know what you got till it’s gone” was so true.
When I didn’t respond to Gabby’s urging, she gave up with a sigh. “I’m sure Ryan has friends. We’ll find you someone.”
“Or she could stay home like I am,” Taylor offered. “Come to my house. We’ll have an anti-prom sleep-over party.”
Gabby’s face fell. “But this has been our dream since middle school.” She turned those puppy dog eyes on me. “You’ll still come, right?”
“It’s a long way off.” A lot could change by then. Liv could realize she loved me after all and we could get back together.
Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted her. She sat alone at a table, staring out the window. She’d barely touched her food too. No matter how much I hated her, I hated that she was alone even more. How could I still care about her after all of this? How could I still love her?
Ugh! I hated my stupid, gullible feelings. And I hated that I wanted nothing more than to walk over there and beg her to love me.
Pathetic. My chest tightened with anger. Anger at myself for being such a sucker.
I just re
membered I was still wearing the bracelet she’d given me for Christmas. Hurriedly, I unclasped it, not taking my eyes off of her. Without a word to Gabby or Taylor, I stormed to Liv’s table.
Gabby yelled after me but I didn’t pay attention to her words. I scorched Liv with my stare, even though she wasn’t facing me. She would feel my wrath and my hatred. Then maybe I wouldn’t stupidly love her anymore.
I stopped at her table and she looked up at me. Her eyes widened.
“Here,” I said, scowling down at her. I threw the bracelet on the table. “I don’t want it anymore.”
Tears threatened my eyes like tiny drops of betrayal. I wouldn’t let her see me cry though. I pushed them back.
Her mouth opened then closed again. She looked at the bracelet then back at me. Her bottom lip quivered but she bit down on it. I remembered biting that lip, kissing that mouth, staring into those eyes while I’d told her I loved her.
Had it all been fake? When she’d said it back, it’d seemed so real. How could someone fake it so well?
Right now, as I’d flung the last remnants of my heart onto the table, I was desperate for her to say something – I didn’t know what. Something that would make me hate her more, or love her more, or just make me feel like I wasn’t drowning. But as I looked into those green eyes I knew so well, I realized there was nothing she could say that would fix me.
She’d broken me.
So I turned on my heel and walked away.
Chapter 25
The days rolled into weeks and the weeks into months. I felt like a zombie pretending to be human. I smiled when I was supposed to smile, and answered “great!” when people asked how I was doing.
I’d gotten so good at it that my parents didn’t pass each other worried looks anymore. But the hollowness in my chest never went away. Even now, two and a half months later, I missed her.
“Good news!” Gabby caught me before going through the church doors for youth group. Squealing, she grabbed my hands. “I got you a date for prom!”
She jumped up and down, probably expecting me to do the same. But honestly, I didn’t care. First of all, prom felt meaningless without a date that I actually knew and liked. Secondly, needing your friend to find you a date through her boyfriend was desperate and embarrassing. And third, prom had become less of a childhood dream and more of an obligation with Liv out of the picture.
Taylor and Gabby hadn’t stayed friends with Liv, and I felt kind of bad about that, but they were loyal to me first. I’d stopped paying attention to who Liv sat with at lunch a while back. In fact, I barely noticed her in classes anymore. We’d gone from lovers and best friends to strangers in the span of a few weeks. The sadness weighed on me and I felt like I was slowly dying. It was stupid and childish and I knew I had to get over her eventually. How long would it take? Months? Years? Would I finally be over it when I was old and dying and had lived a life less full without her?
Even though I didn’t hang out with Liv anymore – had no association with the school “dyke” – my reputation remained the same. I was a social pariah. Of course, I hadn’t really been trying to change it either. But I found it ironic that I’d started the year off at the top of the social ladder, and now, at the end of the year, I was at the bottom. Funny that who you dated dictated where you stood.
Gabby grinned up at me. “It’s Ryan’s sister’s boyfriend’s cousin. He doesn’t go to our school which makes him cool and mysterious. Plus he doesn’t know about you and Liv so there’s that. And, the best part, he’s a senior!”
“Um,” I said, trying to think of how to politely decline. “I don’t know, Gabby. My parents don’t know him so –”
“Don’t worry about that.” She dismissed me with a wave of her hand. “We have time. I set up a double date for this weekend. They’re going to be at the diner after church. Your parents can drive us and meet him but they’ll love him, trust me. He goes to United Baptist and is super involved in missionary stuff.”
Oh great. A missionary and a girl still pining after her lesbian ex-girlfriend. What a perfect match. “And he doesn’t know I used to date a girl?”
“Nope. And I’ve sworn Ryan to secrecy.”
If word got to Missionary Boy that his prom date was bi, or used to be bi, what would he do? Probably lecture me like my parents had. This seemed like a disaster waiting to happen.
“Pleeeease, Audrey. Please just meet him!”
I knew she’d never let it go until I agreed, so with a sigh, I nodded.
She clapped her hands and squealed again. “This is a new beginning for you, Audrey. I can just feel it.”
All I felt was dread. “Sure.”
***
Forced “girl time” with my mom totally sucked. I never thought shoe shopping would feel like torture. She was trying to convince me to start thinking about outfits for prom. First Gabby, now my mom. Was the world plotting against me? If Ben started going on about it too, I was going to run away and join the circus.
“What about Grayson?” my mom asked, pulling a box off the shelf. “Maybe you could go to prom with him?”
The thought made me want to vomit. What would she think about perfect, gorgeous, godly Grayson if she knew what he’d done to me behind the school building that snowy day?
She pushed the box at me and I shook my head at the silver sandals inside. Scowling, she put it back on the shelf.
I didn’t want to go to prom with Grayson, or Gabby’s cousin’s girlfriend’s uncle’s son twice removed (or whatever) either. I wanted to go with Liv or not go at all. Maybe Taylor had the right idea about proms.
“Gabby found me a date,” I muttered. I knew I wouldn’t get out of this conversation by ignoring her.
“Grayson’s mom said he broke up with his last girlfriend…”
Surprise, surprise.
“…so he’s available. If he’s anything like his parents –”
“Oh, do they force girls to kiss them too?” I kicked myself as soon as the words had left my mouth. But I couldn’t help saying them. I couldn’t stand to hear another glowing report about fucking Grayson.
She flinched then checked the aisle where we stood. It was empty. “Audrey, that’s not something to joke about.”
“I’m not joking.” My voice broke. It annoyed me. I thought I was over it and I hadn’t wanted to get emotional with my mom. Not today. Not about this.
“What?” She took a few steps closer.
I couldn’t look at her so I stared down at my painted toe nails. Purple, because Liv would’ve liked them. It was finally warm enough for flip flops. My hair flopped in front of my face and my mom pushed it back.
“What happened, Audrey?”
It was too late to keep it a secret now. “It was before Christmas,” I whispered. “He…pushed me up against the building and kissed me. I said no but…he did it anyway.”
She didn’t say anything for a moment, and I wondered if she was mad at me, or him, or maybe just shrugged it off. I mean, it’d happened a long time ago and maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal. It’d felt yucky and like a huge violation but… Worse things happened to other people.
“That little asshole,” she finally spat.
I looked up at her in shock. I’d never, ever heard my mom swear before.
Her eyes narrowed and her lips formed a straight line. I knew that look. It was Pissed Off Mom look. “I am going to have a talk with his mother,” she said between gritted teeth. Then she peered down at me and her face softened. “Oh honey. I’m sorry you had to go through that.” She pulled me into her arms and I let her hold me.
“You should have told me.” Her hand stroked down my hair, reminding me of when she’d held me when I was sick. “No one treats my daughter that way and gets away with it.”
I wanted to tell her that Liv would never do that. Liv had treated me with respect. I wanted to tell her that it didn’t all come down to body parts. Grayson having a penis didn’t mean he was a good person. Liv not hav
ing one didn’t mean I couldn’t love her, or shouldn’t love her. Under an X-ray, we looked the same. Our hearts beat the same. What mattered was the connection of our souls. And that had nothing to do with reproductive organs.
But I didn’t say those things. There was no point in trying to convince her to like Liv.
Liv didn’t want me anymore.
***
Sunday came and even my mom seemed excited for the date. See how powerful religion was? Enough to make parents agree to anything if it meant their good Christian daughter didn’t want to “live in sin” with her girlfriend anymore. In fact, they’d very nearly pushed me out the car door when we got to the diner. They even said they trusted me and didn’t need to come in and meet him.
Jeez. Didn’t they care that he wasn’t a rapist?
As we approached the table, Gabby whispered in my ear, “Just be open to the possibilities, okay? This could be the start of something awesome.”
“Uh huh.” Something awesome. Like a straight relationship with a boring church kid. I couldn’t wait.
Ryan and the mystery date sat at a booth in the back of the diner. Despite the fact that I didn’t give a shit about this guy, my knees shook a little as we made our way to the table. I could only see the back of his head.
Ryan jumped up when we reached them. Gabby flew into his arms and I almost gagged. Maybe I was being a cynic but watching other people fall in love made me want to puke.
The guy across from Ryan stood up too. He smiled at me then stuck out his hand. “You must be Audrey.”
“Yeah.” I shook his hand but avoided eye contact. I didn’t want to give him the impression I was interested.
But keeping my gaze down meant staring at his chest. His wide, muscular chest – I could tell he had muscles even under his green t-shirt. His forearms were big with veins sticking out over defined muscle. Wow. Was he a rugby player or something?
Unable to stop my curiosity, I lifted my gaze. Our eyes locked and I was tossed into a sea of emotion. He had the same green eyes as Liv – down to the exact shade, I would swear it on my life.
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