by Kata Čuić
Jesse leans in until he’s almost squashing me under his weight. “Ya gonna stop helpin’ me, Nora?”
“Yeah.”
“I been askin’ ya not to help me since kindergarten. Ya ain’t never listened before. Maybe if I tell ya I want your help, you’ll stop just to be willful. Whaddya think about that?”
I think I don’t really wanna talk to Jesse anymore.
He leans in closer until I can feel his breath on my face. “What I can’t never seem to figure out is why. Why ya so hell-bent on helpin’ me?”
I don’t rightly know the answer to that question, so my mouth pops out the first thing that enters my mind. “’Cause you’re my only friend, Jesse. And friends are supposed to help each other.”
He leans back but nudges me again. “Well then, friend. If you’re worried about pretty girls wantin’ to kiss me, ya don’t have to. It’s just like ya said before. No one wants to be kissin’ me anyhow.”
My eyes travel up to meet his.
He’s wearing that small smile again.
“How do ya know?”
He sits back up, so I can breathe again. “I was in town the other day, and Bobbi Sue told me I had a butt for a chin.”
I can tell the smile on his face wants to grow, but he’s holding it in. I’m trying not to laugh out loud. I ain’t sure whether it’s funny, or whether I want to punch Bobbi Sue the next time I see her. “Well, that ain’t true! Ya got a dimple on your chin the way other people have dimples in their cheeks! Just ‘cause Bobbi Sue don’t like it don’t mean other girls don’t think it’s cute!”
Jesse can’t hold it in anymore. He laughs. Actually laughs. It’s a downright beautiful melody. “Don’t mean they do neither.”
“Bobbi Sue probably wants ya to kiss her more than she wants Billy Joe to be kissin’ on her. She’s just tryin’ to rile ya up, so you’ll bend to her will like everyone else in town.”
“Now ya know that ain’t true. You’re playin’ pretend again, Nora.” He taps my head for good measure.
“I ain’t neither.”
“All right.” He shakes his head, then picks his book back up. “You’re gonna believe whatever ya want, no matter what I say. But I’m tellin’ ya right now. Ain’t no girls in town wanna be kissin’ me. That’s all I’m gonna say about it.”
He reads for a bit as I watch him. Jesse might be a lot of things, but he ain’t a bad person. Not really. It makes me feel sick when he believes what the other kids say about him. “One of these days, you’re gonna get outta this small town. You’re smart and always readin’. There’s gonna be lots of pretty girls out there who wanna kiss ya, Jesse Yates. I just feel sorry ya ain’t gonna know how to make ‘em swoon for ya, that’s all.”
“Swoon is a pretend word, Nora,” he mumbles without looking up.
“It ain’t! I read it in plenty of books!”
“Fine then. It’s a girly word. Men don’t swoon, and they don’t really make women swoon neither.”
“You’re just mad ‘cause you’ll never be able to make a girl swoon.”
“All right.” He throws his book down. “That tears it.”
Before I can take another breath, he’s on me. His heavy body presses me into the blankets beneath us, and his mouth forces mine open so hard and fast our teeth smack against each other. My lip hurts, but he don’t stop. He didn’t want to eat the food I brought him, but the way he’s going at me is like he’s starving, and I’m the only thing for supper. I struggle underneath him, but he just pushes me down harder and starts sliding against me like a snake.
I can’t breathe. He’s crushing me with his body, and his tongue is in my mouth, filling it up. His lips are hard, and he scrapes his teeth over mine, moving around so fast. He’s frantic like a rabid animal. Over me, in me, all around me until I ain’t sure where he stops, and I start.
He finally pulls his mouth away from mine, our foreheads touching. My eyes squeeze shut while my heart pounds in my chest, and I gasp for air.
“Ya swoonin’ yet?” he pants.
“No, I ain’t swoonin’!” I try to make my voice fierce, but it only comes out teary, sounding like the frightened little girl I feel right now.
“Nora, ya cryin’?” His sweaty forehead lifts away from mine.
My eyes ain’t open, but I can feel him looking at me as surely as if he were touching me with his eyeballs. He must not like what he sees because he jumps off me faster than a jackrabbit bounding through the field.
I sit up, everything blurry with the tears in my eyes. Jesse’s huddled in his corner, staring back at me like I hurt him. It makes me sad and mad because darn it all, he’s the one done hurt me!
“I tried to tell ya. You’re doin’ it all wrong.” I don’t mean to sound so nasty. I guess this is why Jesse’s voice comes out all mean when I know he ain’t trying to hurt my feelings sometimes. It’s a strange thing to feel mad and sad at the same time.
Touching my lower lip with my tongue, I taste copper. He busted my lip. I’m actually bleeding!
“I hurt you,” he whispers.
“Well yeah, ya hurt me!” I shout into the humid night. “Ya practically attacked me like a wild animal! No girl in her right mind wants to be kissed like that!”
“That’s how men kiss women.” He’s staring straight at me, but his eyes ain’t really seeing anything in front of him. It’s kind of scary.
If I’m gonna be his angel, I gotta do it right this time.
I crawl over to him and put a hand on his shoulder. He looks like he’s gone somewhere else, and I don’t know how to bring him back except by touching him. He’s the one playing pretend right now—not me. “Jesse, lemme help ya. Lemme show ya what it’s supposed to be like.”
“No.” He shakes his head back and forth. “No more kissin’ for you and me. If ya don’t go back to your room right now, I’ll go sleep in the woods. Go on, girl. Git.”
“Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. Ya ain’t goin’ nowhere, and neither am I.”
I close my eyes and breathe, conjuring in my mind all the times I seen Daddy kissing on Mama.
Real slow—almost like trying to sneak up on a newborn fawn—I reach my hand out to touch his cheek. His skin is sweaty and greasy; I can feel him breathing hard. He never looks over at me, staring at some spot on the wall across from us.
“Jess,” I whisper. Daddy always whisper-talks to Mama when he’s loving on her.
Maybe that’s what this is really all about. Might be I don’t care none if Jesse knows how to rightly kiss pretty girls. Maybe I just wanna show him the love he’s been missing out on his whole life.
I turn his face with my hand until his eyes meet mine. He sees me now.
“It’s supposed to be soft and gentle. Not rough and hurtin’.”
He nods his head. Just barely moving, but enough for me to know he’s all right. He’s here in the treehouse with me and not somewhere else in his mind. I keep my eyes open as my head moves toward his. Slow. Real slow.
Just before I reach him, my eyelids slide closed. I can’t help it. I brush my lips against his. Soft and gentle. Just like I seen Daddy do to Mama.
His breath rushes out across my face. It feels just like when the creek is running high after a heavy rain, and I step into it for the first time.
Jesse’s hand finds its way to my cheek, too. Then his other. His calloused fingers scratch at my cheeks, but he ain’t rough. He holds my face to his the way you hold a kitten—afraid to squish it if you’re not careful.
I press my lips against his again. “It’s not supposed to be hard. Just nice and easy. Soft.”
“All right,” he whispers against me.
His lips tickle mine.
I kiss him again, testing the waters to see what he’ll do.
He doesn’t try to open my mouth with his. Doesn’t push me over to climb on top of me. He does wipe his lips across mine one more time though.
I pull back and open my eyes. Jesse’s staring at me
with this strange look on his face.
“See? That weren’t so bad.”
He nods his head and moves his lips together, his eyebrows pulling down like they do when he’s thinking real hard.
“Ya wanna eat your supper now?”
“Naw, that’s all right. Thinkin’ I might just close my eyes and go to sleep.”
My hands drop from his face, and I scoot back. I don’t feel as sick as I did before, but I’m shaking all over anyways.
“Can I stay out here with ya tonight? It’s been awful hot in my room.”
Jesse scoots down onto the old pillows and blankets and opens his arms for me to crawl beside him.
One thing I’ve learned is that nighttime brings out a different boy than I’m used to during the day. Just like a caterpillar turns into a butterfly, Jesse changes from rough around the edges to soft and snuggly when it’s time for sleep.
Since that real cold snap a ways back, he always wants me to face away from him, so I do.
My back is pressed against his chest, his arms tight around me. It’s hot but comfortable. My eyes are getting a might heavy, and I’m content to be where I am. My mind don’t seem to wanna stop thinking though.
“Hey, Jesse?”
“Hmm?”
“Why was ya in town?”
I feel his head lift from the pillow. “When?”
“When Bobbi Sue said all that mean stuff about your chin? Ya almost never go into town.”
“Oh.” He laughs and shakes me right with him. “I was avoidin’ ya.”
Darn it all. I knew it. “Are ya gonna avoid me tomorrow and the next day, too?”
“Naw.” He sighs. I can tell he’s getting sleepy. “’Less you’re mad at me about hurtin’ ya.”
“I ain’t mad.”
We don’t talk for a few minutes. His breathing slows down, and his arm feels heavy over me. Just when I start to fall asleep, he squeezes me a little. “Nora?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m sorry I hurt ya.”
“S’ok. It ain’t your fault. That’s why I wanted to help ya.”
“Thank ya kindly.”
I don’t think I’ve ever heard him say sorry or thank you for as long as I’ve known him. “Jesse?”
“Hmm?”
My angel wings feel itchy. I don’t know if I did him any good tonight. I hope so. “I’ll always be your friend. Even if you’re tryin’ to avoid me.”
“Even if I hurt ya when I don’t mean to?”
“Yeah. Even then.”
He yawns. “How about if I tell ya I don’t wanna be friends no more? What ya gonna do then?”
“I ain’t gonna listen, just like always.”
“And if I tell ya I wanna be your best friend ‘til my dyin’ day?”
I ain’t about to jinx it by telling him I’d like that very much, so I yawn instead.
He nuzzles his face in my hair. Then he kisses it just like I showed him. Soft and nice.
“Night, sweet Nora.”
Jesse ain’t never called me sweet before.
Turning Over a New Leaf
Martins Landing doesn’t seem like the seventh circle of hell when Anne’s running around the football field like the best quarterback to ever play the game.
Kenny smiles as she releases a peal of delighted laughter even though she misses catching the ball by a good five yards.
“She’s fun.” He grins like he’s shocked at his own words.
“That’s only because you’re giving her what she wants. Hell hath no fury like that child when you tell her no.”
He laughs, as wild and carefree as the little girl dancing in the end zone. “She got that from you.”
“Sure enough,” I admit.
We watch as she chases a butterfly, the football forgotten where it landed.
“She looks nothin’ like him. Not even a little. I expected her to have black hair and green eyes. She’s a red-headed miniature version of ya.”
“You haven’t seen her mad. The temperament might come from me, but the angry face? That’s all him. She gets the dimple in her chin honestly.” I lift my shoulders, lying to Kenny as well as I lie to myself. “Jesse and I both have green eyes, so that feature isn’t quite so telling.”
Kenny nods. “You’re not gonna put this off forever. He’s smart. He’ll do the math and add it all up. There’s no way ya can lie about the numbers.”
“I don’t have to lie if he never asks.”
“I thought I was busy with work.” Kenny kicks a tuft of dried-up grass with his Croc. “He’s either busier than I could ever imagine, or he’s just got his damn head in the sand.”
“I don’t care what’s holding his tongue, so long as it gives me time to make a new plan. We obviously can’t stay here.” I’ve already applied to several districts nearby, but openings are scarce in the mountains, and my hands are tied. I can’t afford to go too far from home on my income.
Kenny turns toward me, his eyes hard. “And where ya gonna go, huh? Back to the city? With a little tyke like that? All by yourself? Life don’t always turn out like we planned, but that don’t mean ya can’t find a new path and be happy still.”
“Is that how you ended up back here, a nurse in the medical center?” I didn’t have the guts to ask until now, but my curiosity has been burning a hole in my brain since we reconnected a few weeks ago at the bar.
“Yeah,” he admits, his tone sincere. “Just because I got a football scholarship to WVU didn’t mean I was good enough to go pro. I had to do somethin’ else with my life.” He grins. “Nursing was the perfect fit. Ya know how I love the ladies.”
My laughter joins with Anne’s. “I never thought we’d be here, having this conversation, that’s for sure.”
His smile fades as he stares at a point over my shoulder in the distance. “Well. Whaddya wanna do?”
“I don’t know. I just told you as much.”
“No. Not about that.” He gestures with his chin to where he’s still gazing. “Jesse’s headed this way. This is your game, girl. You’re callin’ the shots. I’m just the back up.” His smile is rueful. “Some things never change.”
“Crap.” I resist the urge to turn around to confirm Kenny’s words. “He’s supposed to be meeting with the superintendent today. What’s he doing back already?”
“Comin’ for you, by the looks of it. Clock’s runnin’ down. What’s it gonna be?”
“Go play hide and seek in the locker room.” That’s a horrible idea, but it’s the best I’ve got. We’re out in the open, too far to make it back to the school building in time. “Quick!”
Kenny shakes his head, but he jogs to where Anne is rolling around in the middle of the field. He scoops her into his arms and races toward the directed hiding spot, much to Anne’s delight if her squeals are anything to go by.
“I owe you one, Kenny!”
“Yeah, yeah,” he yells back as he disappears into the locker room.
No sooner does Jesse reach my side than he thrusts a file folder toward me. “We got the approval.” He grimaces. “With a lot of modifications. Kenny agree to do it?”
Kenny and I have caught up and discussed a great many things, but none of it included asking him to take up the volunteer role of sex educator for the high school.
“What kind of modifications?”
“The girls are allowed to participate, but the material will still be abstinence only. And we can only go forward with this if we get full support from the whole staff.”
“Ugh. They’re tying our hands. How are we supposed to be effective if they won’t let us do our jobs?”
“We might have a little wiggle room since Kenny wouldn’t be on the district payroll.”
I nod as I rifle through the paperwork, disappointed. “There’s no way we can win over the rest of the staff.”
“Let me handle the rest of the staff. Your job is to keep working out the curriculum.”
“Okay.”
“Well?”<
br />
“Well, what? I didn’t argue.”
“You’ve been spendin’ all your free time for the past few weeks with Kenny. At least tell me ya got him to agree to play his part.” There’s an edge in Jesse’s voice that gives me pause.
“You’re the one who suggested I give our old classmates a fair chance. I’m turning over a new leaf and doing just that. What have you got to be so angry about?”
He gestures toward the empty field, anger evident in his jerky motion. “You’ll let him play with her but not me. It’s been near two months since ya both came home. Am I ever gonna be allowed to even meet her?”
An absolute stillness descends upon me save for a tiny buzzing in the pit of my brain that grows in volume and vibration until it smothers every last shred of reason I ever had.
“She’s three,” I blurt.
Jesse swims before me as I sway on my feet. I must not be imagining the sensation because he grips my arm to steady me, stepping closer than coworkers should be. “And what are ya so afraid I’m gonna do with that information? Judge ya? Hate her?” His dark laugh reverberates through the cotton in my ears. “I know I done messed up, Lenore. Ya had every right to walk away after what I did. Things ain’t the same between us, but we’re both here now.” He sucks in a deep breath that only makes my stomach sink further. “I ain’t askin’ for nothin’ more than a chance to be part of her life.”
“Why?” I whisper, my imagination running wild.
He steps back, studying me closely before letting his hand fall away. “You’re a single mother, workin’ full-time to provide for your daughter. Ya ain’t never once complained about all the overtime, helpin’ me help these kids. I wanna help ya, too. That’s what’s friends do, ain’t it? Help each other.”
“Yes.” I swallow the years of hurt down like a bucket of rusty nails. “Friends help each other.”
A shrill squeal pierces through the din of crickets by the riverbank. In the blink of an eye, a haze of red curls and yellow sundress bobs and weaves across the field until she’s a mess of laughs and panted breath, clutching to my leg. “I win! I win!”
Kenny runs out of the locker room, guilt clear on his expression even across the distance. “Hide and seek was a terrible idea!”