by Kata Čuić
“Ya know I ain’t keen on doin’ what I’m told, Jess.”
He laughs then grows serious. “I do know it. I also know ya only hesitate on your dreams when you’re afraid. What’s botherin’ ya so?”
I glance away, staring out at the landscape of our favorite overlook. Mama and Daddy keep a close watch on the treehouse nowadays, so we have to steal into the woods to be alone whenever we can. With the hustle and bustle of senior year, it seems like more and more time goes by between our love making, and it’s only gonna get worse. “Marshall ain’t the mountains. Huntington’s a big city, too. I’m bettin’ there’ll be a lot of pretty, smart city girls there who’ll make ya forget all about me.”
“Darlin’.” There’s a different sort of gravel straining Jesse’s voice than when he’s hungry for me. He pulls my face back with a gentle hand to meet his gaze. “Ya fixin’ to take your love back and give it to some fancy city boy who ain’t a dumb hillbilly like me?”
“No!” I yelp then whisper on a caress to his sweaty cheek, “I love ya, ya dumb hillbilly.”
He nuzzles my hand and kisses the palm. “Good. ‘Cause ya done gave me your love, and I’m aimin’ to keep it. There ain’t no woman at Marshall or on all God’s green earth ever gonna light up my world the way ya have.” He lowers himself to me and presses his lips to mine. “I’ll be true to ya, Nora. Ya ain’t gotta worry none about my faithfulness.”
His hardness settles between my legs.
“I know ya love me, but you’re a man with needs. I ain’t gonna be there to meet ‘em. We ain’t gonna see each other for months on end. And I can’t…” I swallow down my stupid girly tears. “I can’t bear to imagine someone else providin’ for ya.”
“Girl, I know ya don’t like bein’ told what to do, but I’m puttin’ my foot down. I don’t never want ya imaginin’ me givin’ myself to another woman.” He snakes his arms beneath my back to hold me close before kissing both my cheeks. “Here’s something else I’ll learn ya. A man can control his needs if he wants to. Ya think your daddy steps out on your mama whenever the mood strikes? Ya gonna look me in the eyes and tell me when she’s ill, he don’t care for her instead of prowlin’ for someone else to fulfill his needs?”
My nose wrinkles in disgust. “Jesse. Speech is silver. Silence is golden.”
He laughs and rests his forehead on mine. “I know ya don’t wanna hear it, but that’s the way of it.”
“Guess I gotta trust ya, seein’ as how you’re my best friend and all. Ya ain’t never lead me astray before.”
“I am your best friend.” He raises his head to look me in the eyes. “I’m makin’ ya a promise right now. And I ain’t gonna go back on my word. I’m yours. For as long as you’ll have me.”
I lean up to kiss him. “I’m yours, Jess. Forever. Ain’t no city boy alive could ever steal my heart the way ya did when I wasn’t even lookin’.”
He raises his eyebrow. “I stole it, did I?”
“I think ya had it from the day ya fought to get my blue ribbon back for me. Is that when I stole your heart, too?”
“Naw.” He laughs, his body shaking against mine. “I thought ya was crazy as a rabid raccoon. My pride just wouldn’t let ya help me more than I helped ya, too.”
A Watched Pot Never Boils
The front door bursts open in a flurry of snowflakes and rustling bags.
“Daddy!” Anne navigates the furniture like it’s an amateur obstacle course to get to the man who’s stomping his boots on the mat and shaking dampness off his coat.
“Did ya get the flour?” Mama calls from the kitchen.
“Drove over to Beckley to find a store that was open, but I got it,” Jesse returns. “Roads are gettin’ mighty bad. If ya need anythin’ else, ya better tell me now.”
Mama pushes past me at the table where I’m peeling potatoes, her face painted with horror. “Ya drove over an hour to find it? Don’t ya even think about leavin’ this house again! We’ll make do with what we got.”
“Actually…” I rise to clear the bags away from the widening puddle of melted snow at the doorway. “You’re going to have to go back to bring your mama. Best go now before you can’t even walk through it.”
“No!” Anne screams, wrapping herself around Jesse’s leg much more tightly than she could’ve with the cast still on. “Don’t make him go! I hate you!”
My heart’s taken such a beating in the past few months, I’m not sure it’ll ever work right again. “Anne…”
Jesse pries Anne from his leg only to kneel in place and hold her close. “I ain’t goin’ nowhere. Ya don’t gotta worry none.” He peels her away to look her in the eyes and speaks very slowly. “I love your mama so. It hurts my heart when you’re mean to her. Ya don’t wanna hurt me none, do ya?”
My breath stutters out of my chest with his profession and his question to her.
Anne shakes her head. “I don’t want you to go away again. Mommy made you go away.”
He heaves a deep breath while I wallow in undeserving self-pity. “You’re such a sweet girl to not wanna hurt me, but I’m the one who done hurt your mama. I was selfish and only thought about what was good for me, sorta like you’re doin’ right now. I know it’s hard, but ya gotta love your mama even when she does things ya don’t like. I promise ya, no matter how mad she makes ya sometimes, she’s only givin’ her whole heart to ya by lookin’ out for ya even if it’s in ways ya don’t like very much. There ain’t no finer love in the whole wide world than that.”
She throws her arms around his neck. “Don’t go, Daddy. I promise I’ll love Mommy.”
“I promised, too,” he whispers into her hair. “I ain’t never gonna break my promises. It was your pappy who done taught me a man’s only as good as his word.”
I’m still so tired and wrung out, I can’t even muster up the tears that tickle my eyes without release. “I’ll fetch your mama, so you can stay with Anne.”
Jesse rises to his feet, leaving Anne to continue clinging to his leg as he turns to face me then wraps me in his arms next. “She ain’t there, darlin’,” he whispers against my ear.
My heart works after all because it races in my chest. I pull away to study his face, a sickeningly sad expression dimming his eyes. “What’s wrong? Where is she?”
“Little darlin’.” Jesse pats Anne’s head to get her attention. “Why don’t ya go on into the sittin’ room to watch the big parade? I’ll be there in a minute.”
She continues to cling to him like a honeysuckle vine as my stomach drops. “No!”
“Anne Shirley,” he says firmly. “I need to talk to your mama, and ain’t everythin’ fittin’ for your ears. Go on now.”
She stomps the whole way to her spot in front of the television, where Stuffins commiserates with the unfairness of her life as she mutters her every last woe to his sympathetic glass eyes.
Jesse pinches the bridge of his nose, muttering, “Lord help me, I don’t reckon I have the strength to withstand the both of ya.”
I know exactly how he feels.
Mama wipes her hands on a dish towel. Even Daddy joins the hushed conference.
“Where is she?” Mama questions.
I brace myself for the worst.
“She’s in a halfway house in Beckley,” he says with a deep sigh buoyed by a small smile. “I stopped in to visit when I went for the shoppin’. That’s partly what took me so long. It’s been a rough few months, but she’s clean for the first time in years.”
Mama slaps a hand over her mouth and leans against Daddy for support. “Thank the good Lord!”
Daddy’s brow draws as low as his voice. “How’d ya get her to go? We done tried for years, but her pride always got the best of her.”
Jesse raises his eyebrows. “Finally had the right leverage to force her hand.”
“What leverage?” I don’t like the way Jesse and Daddy are silently conversing.
Jesse lifts his shoulders. “I told her I wouldn’t let her n
owhere near Anne until she was fittin’.”
Mama and I exchange a knowing glance of our own.
“She’s already met Anne,” I confess. “When we first arrived in town.”
“Yeah,” Jesse nods. “And she wanted more than a taste of her sweetness.”
Oh, Lord. Anne told Mrs. Yates she’s four. “You knew Anne was here for weeks, but you never said a thing about her to me.”
Jesse’s eyes bounce quickly between my own. “I was waitin’ for ya to tell me in your own time.”
I lean against the wall for support. “What else do you know?”
Daddy slaps Jesse on the back hard enough to send him lurching forward. “He done knows good and well that I’ll get out my shotgun if he messes with my girls.”
Jesse winces and rolls his shoulder, shooting a sideways glare at Daddy. “Yeah, I know right well.”
“Well?” Daddy prompts.
“One of my friends from Marshall returned a favor for all my tutorin’,” Jesse explains, straightening. “The wait list is usually months long, but she squeezed her in. For as long as Mama was an addict, she’s recommendin’ a solid eighteen months of treatment.” His smile falls a little. “Even if she stays the course, she might never be able to return to Martins Landing.”
“Why not?” Mama demands.
Jesse glances around the cheery air of our humble home, undoubtedly seeing a mansion compared to the way he grew up. “This here is so much temptation. And so much judgment. It’ll be too easy for her to fall back on her old ways if she comes back to her old life. It’s best for her to make a clean break to have a fresh start.”
“Ya ain’t bound here after all,” I whisper, clinging to a sliver of hope.
He gives me the look.
“Well.” Daddy slaps Jesse on the back again. “I reckon all’s well that ends well, and we got cause for celebration.” He literally drags Jesse away, yakking his head off as they go. “We got a parade and football to watch, and I done brewed a batch of special ‘shine just for the holidays.”
I shudder at the thought of it. Then I get back to work peeling potatoes. A feast like we’re about to have doesn’t make itself.
Mama and I exchange hopes for what Mrs. Yates’s new life will look like as we work, and I let myself indulge in a fair amount of pretend through the afternoon. Anne even makes good on her promise to Jesse and flits in and out of the kitchen, gifting me a handprint turkey she made with his help.
I’m basting the real turkey one last time when arms wrap around my waist from behind. “You better not be drunk in front of Anne.”
He kisses the side of my neck when I straighten, but at least his breath doesn’t reek of moonshine. “I would never. I can’t say the same for your daddy though.”
I turn around and pull free of his embrace. “A watched pot never boils, Jess.”
He raises his eyebrows but doesn’t put more appropriate distance between us. “Are ya talkin’ about dinner or about ya thawin’ towards me?”
I bite my lip and glance at the timer on the countertop. “You got what you wanted. You’ll have your holidays with Anne instead of spending them alone. Your mama’s on the mend and making a better life for herself. Why not let things be?”
He folds my hands in his own then leads me to sit at the table. “I need to talk to ya about some things.”
My spine straightens as I steel myself for another round of pain.
His thumb caresses my skin, almost like he knows he needs to tame me a bit before speaking his mind. He stares at our connection instead of meeting my eyes. “I wanted to give Anne a real nice Christmas seein’ as how she misses Chicago so much, but I ain’t gonna quite be able to pull it off. Mama don’t have no insurance, and them rehab centers ain’t cheap. I can’t claim her as a dependent, so I’m payin’ out of pocket for her treatment. My friend might have been able to secure her a spot, but she ain’t a miracle worker.”
He lifts his gaze, a smirk pulling his mouth to the side. “And before ya go imaginin’ the worst like ya did about Bobbi Sue’s advances, Chelle and I was just friends. I helped her with her math classes and nothin’ more.”
“You said it yourself. It’s been five long years since you last felt my touch. I never called. I never emailed. I might’ve left you out in the cold, but I never hoped you didn’t find someone else to warm your bed or claim your heart all this time.” I rise to check on the potatoes—to escape—but he pulls me into his lap.
He slides a single finger along my jaw. “Oh, my darlin’. Do ya think so little of me now ‘cause I didn’t ride into Chicago like the white knight from all your stories?”
“No,” I croak, anxious to be caught in this position should someone else come into the kitchen. “I told you I don’t play pretend anymore. I didn’t want you to save me. I wanted to save myself.”
“I know,” he whispers against my lips. “Just like I know you’re strugglin’ somethin’ fierce to take back your love from me and give it all to Anne.”
“She’s my whole world,” I tell him, pulling back to meet his gaze. The knowledge of what his mama must’ve told him and how smart he is weighs on me. No matter how much I try, I can’t fool him into believing I don’t love him anymore. There’s no limit to the man’s intuition. “You have no reason to stay in Martins Landing now. Don’t take her away from me.”
“Why don’t ya just slap me across the face and be done with it?” He rears his head back, his eyes as sad as I’ve ever seen them. “Ya really do think nothin’ of me at all if ya believe I’d ever take your daughter away from ya.”
My daughter. Not our daughter. Not his daughter.
My whole body sags in relief, and I throw my arms around his neck, squeezing him with all the gratitude coursing through me. “Thank you, Jesse. Thank you. You’ve just given me the best Christmas present anyone could ever hope for.”
I break away—guilt eating up my happiness—at the sound of a little sniffle nearby.
“Anne, baby, what’s wrong?”
She kicks her little foot against the tile and glances up at us with tears in her eyes. “I was a bad girl, and now you and daddy love each other more than me.”
Jesse exchanges a baffled glance with me. “Little darlin’, why would ya think that?”
She wordlessly gestures at me still seated on Jesse’s lap, our arms wound tightly around each other.
I open my mouth to come up with a believable explanation, but Jesse beats me to the punch.
“I reckon your mama is a bit old to sit on Santa’s lap, but that don’t mean there ain’t fine gifts she’d like to have, too. So, I done asked her to sit on my lap and tell me what she wants for Christmas.”
Anne’s face lights up in wonder. “I’m gonna go sit on Pappy’s lap and tell him what I want for Christmas, too! And then I’ll get all the presents I want!”
Jesse’s laughter chases Anne as she runs into the sitting room.
“I never imagined you as a white knight,” I admit to Jesse. “You were always getting into trouble and getting beat up. For the longest time, you didn’t have a chivalrous bone in your body.”
He opens his mouth to protest, so I place my hand against his lips to keep him quiet.
“But you were always so smart, and you were never wrong about anything. Once I learned to quit being so willful and really listen to you, my life was a lot easier.” A smile tugs at my lips. “I always pretended you were a powerful wizard who could solve all the problems I ever made for myself.”
He pulls me in close, and my hand falls away to reveal one of those gleaming smiles I treasure so dearly. “Then let me solve another problem that’s eatin’ away at ya, darlin’. I love ya as much as I ever did. I know ya love me, too. And I got more than enough love to give to both a mother and her daughter.”
He kisses every last thought I ever had clean away.
Even Anne’s shrill squeal doesn’t tear us apart.
“Eew! Daddy’s loving Mommy!”
&nbs
p; Jesse pulls back when we both need air. “Ya better kiss me again quick. It might be the last one ya ever get from me.”
“Why?” Just when I think all my problems are solved, reality rains on my parade.
“’Cause your daddy’s been drinkin’ moonshine, and I reckon right about now he’s goin’ for his shotgun.”
Sure enough, heavy footfalls approach along with Daddy’s bellow. “Ya either make an honest woman outta my daughter, or ya leave her be!”
Jesse grins.
Seven Years Ago
I’ve been watching and waiting at the window all afternoon. From time to time, Mama picks her head up from her latest quilt and chuckles at me. “Antsy, ain’t you, Lenore? He’ll get here when he gets here. A watched pot never boils.”
I sigh and get up to pace the well-worn wood. “I know, but he didn’t tell me when that would be. Maybe he changed his mind. Maybe he’s not coming home for Thanksgiving.”
“Your dorms closed for the holiday break. Why wouldn’t they do the same at Marshall?”
I make my way into the kitchen to check on the biscuits in the oven. “Daddy worked so much overtime to afford to bring me home. College is a lot harder than high school, and Jesse hasn’t found a new job yet. Maybe he doesn’t have enough money to make it back ‘til Christmas break.”
His pride would never let him admit that though.
The front door closes with a bang, and I rush into the other room. Daddy’s standing at the threshold, shaking snow from his coat, and stomping his boots on the old welcome mat. “It’s comin’ down like the dickens out there. Roads are gettin’ mighty bad.”
My spirit deflates at his words. Maybe Jesse really won’t make it.
“Is that your famous chicken ‘n biscuits I smell, angel?” Daddy gives me a knowing smile and wink. “Nothing like comin’ in from the cold and snow to a warm, home-cooked meal. Does a man’s heart good to be taken care of like that.”
The embarrassing awkwardness of his statement breaks when Mama gets up to help Daddy unbundle. His face is streaked with damp coal dust that drips and leaves black puddles under his feet.