by Kata Čuić
I place my hand on Jesse’s arm. “Was that the boy who was in your office the day I missed my planning period?”
“Sure enough,” he says on another sigh. “Can’t even imagine how I’m gonna get his biology teacher to see it the same way. I don’t blame her. She ended up with a real injury outta the deal. I might have to sit in on that class for the rest of the year even if she comes back.”
“That don’t sound so bad,” Daddy hedges.
“The worst part was I didn’t get home ‘til 8:30 that night ‘cause a wrestlin’ match ran late. The coach is in his first year of bein’ an extracurricular sponsor, and he ain’t the most organized. I had to stay to make sure everyone caught their rides home, so I missed out on time with my daughter to see to other kids’ welfare.”
Daddy furrows his brow, and I can already guess what’s he’s figuring. Jesse works fourteen-hour days more often than not. And weekends. And when the rest of the faculty have off for breaks.
Mama speaks out first. “Why do ya do it? For the money?”
“I learned right quick in college the more ya make, the more ya work for it, so ya better do somethin’ your heart’s in. I always felt so sorry for myself, the way I done grew up. Fact of the matter is, there’s plenty of kids who got it just as bad or worse. Bein’ a teacher, I could only help a few of ‘em. Bein’ a principal, I get the opportunity to help a lot more. The money’s nice, but I didn’t go into this for money. I wanted to give as many kids as possible a chance to make somethin’ of themselves and get out of their bad situations the way I did.”
Daddy scoffs. “And here I done always thought ya did it to prove yourself worthy of my daughter.”
Jesse’s eyes are staying closed longer the more often he blinks. “Nora can take care of herself. She don’t need me for that.”
Finally. Something we can agree on.
Mama yawns and pulls her robe tighter around her chest. “I can see why a conference is a nice break for ya now. Them kids run ya ragged.”
Jesse’s eyes remain closed, but he laughs and scrubs a hand over his face anyway. “The kids is the easy part. It’s the adults that make it a tough job. I done found out this past week the principal of the neighborin’ district is havin’ an affair. I got half a mind to track down his wife and tell her to move on to greener pastures.” He shakes his head around in an uncoordinated way. “I’ll never understand a man who can squander the love of a good woman.”
Mama smiles, but Daddy fixes me with a pointed stare.
“Jesse.” I poke his thigh with my foot. “Go on to bed. You can sleep with Anne, and I’ll take the couch.”
He mumbles something incoherent.
“Jess.” I poke him again.
He rolls on top of me like a lead balloon—effectively trapping me beneath him—then wraps his arms around my waist and buries his face in my chest. His body relaxes, and his breath rushes out so long, it’s like he’s deflated.
Daddy rises from the loveseat with a tired sigh. It’s after one in the morning, so that's to be expected. "Well. I reckon that sure looks and sounds like a man who’d rather be anywhere than right where he is.”
Yeah, yeah. They’re in bed together, and everything I’ve done the past five years has been for nothing. I get it. No need to rub salt in the wound.
Mama touches my shoulder after Daddy’s already left the scene of the crime with surprisingly no bloodshed. “I reckon he needs ya just as much as ya need him, Lenore. Ya said ya didn’t wanna look a gift horse in the mouth when he arrived home safely, so don’t waste this second chance. It might have been a long road to home, but you’re both right where ya belong.”
The lights go out, and Jesse snores softly at my breast. I wrap my arms around his shoulders, threading my fingers through his hair. I kiss the top of his head and inhale deeply and whisper, “I love ya, ya smart hillbilly.”
He smiles against my chest.
“I thought you were asleep.”
“I was,” he mumbles. “A touch like yours could wake the dead though.”
“I’d think twice about insulting me since your sensitive parts are very close to my knee.” Still, I hug him tightly to me, grateful he’s not alone on the side of some snow-covered road.
He chuckles and noses my nightgown to the side before placing an open-mouthed kiss against the skin of my breast. “It wasn’t an insult. It’s the truth. I reckon I could be dead, and your touch would bring me back to life. And ya shouldn’t touch me like that when your sensitive parts are very close to my mouth.”
To prove his point, he frees one breast completely from its confines and wraps his hot tongue around my nipple. I tug at his hair and sink lower on the couch, trying to align our bodies better.
Just as quickly as he fires electricity through my veins, he covers me back up. “Now, darlin’. We’re on the couch. What would your mama and daddy say?” He swallows thickly. “What would our daughter say?”
His words sink into my bones. The truth has been free for months, but this is the first time I’ve ever heard him refer to Anne as ours.
A sob catches in my throat as the gravity of the past few years presses down on me with more force than his heavy body on top of mine.
“I don’t know how to do this, Jess,” I confess, my heart kicking around in my chest, my breath picking up speed. “We been on our own so long, and you…”
He sighs against my skin, scooting up my body until his open mouth lands on my neck. He kisses me tenderly. “Let it out, darlin’. I’m man enough to take it.”
I bury my face into his hair to muffle the volume of my cries.
He holds me tighter. “I shouldn’t have done it,” he whispers in my ear. “I knew how much it meant to ya. I knew the risks, and I did it anyway.”
“It was my fault,” I choke out. “I asked ya for it.”
“Darlin’.” He raises himself up above me, looking me in the eyes. “That’s like sayin’ it’s my fault for bein’ so charmin’ that I done made ya fall in love with me.”
A little laugh sneaks through my tears.
He smiles. “Sounds ridiculous, don’t it? Ya chose to love me.” His face falls. “And I chose to have ya that night without any protection.”
My sobbing renews as the memories crash down around me. “The things…The things I said to you.”
He rolls to the side and cups my face in his hand. “Ya been thinkin’ about that more than the horrid things I done said to ya that same night?”
I nod, struggling to breathe even without his weight on me anymore.
His smile is soft. A single tear runs down his cheek, disappearing into the heavy scruff lining his jaw. “Ya know why?”
I shake my head, clapping a hand over my mouth so as not to wake anyone with my hysterics.
He pulls my hand away and kisses me. “’Cause love don’t keep score. Ya been clingin’ to all the wrong things these past years.” He wraps my arm around his shoulder. “Cling to me. I love ya so. I did ya so wrong, and ya were justified to throw your hatred at me, but I ain’t holdin’ onto the past, Nora. I ain’t got no room for all our mistakes ‘cause I gotta make space for the two most beautiful girls in the whole wide world. I want ya more than anythin’. Five years wasn’t enough to fade my love for ya, and I sure as shit ain’t here beggin’ your forgiveness outta some sense of mountain pride. The only thing that kept me goin’ was finally learnin’ how to put your pride above my own. I wasn’t clingin’ to your hate. I was clingin’ to your love.”
Anguish pours out of me like hot lead. He absorbs it all like it’s a feather from heaven. He holds me tight to his chest, whispers he loves me, he’ll always fight for me, he’s sorry. I whisper it back until I can’t anymore.
His eyes are half-lidded by the time I’ve worn us both out. He caresses my cheek with his hand. “Ya got anythin’ else ya wanna let go of before the sun comes up on a new day?”
Until the first early rays of dawn cast the room in a pinkish glow, I tell him
everything he’s missed. Every small detail, from the way she cried when she was born to how I cried with her during long, colicky nights. I figured she wouldn’t know I was crying for Jesse since she was crying, too. I describe our tiny apartment down to every last detail, and the way she’d turn her face toward the wind off the lake when I took her for walks through the streets. I always reckoned she was turning her face toward him.
Jesse falls asleep to me telling him a story that isn’t pretend at all. There’s a smile on his face.
He looks like a nursing babe when I wake. My nightgown is askew, and he’s breathing evenly against my breast. More weight than I remember bears down on me. Anne’s asleep on top of us both, and his arm is draped over her little shoulders.
“Ya gotta get your own house.”
I glance up to find Daddy standing over us with a frown.
Jesse’s teeth feel smooth against my skin as he smiles wide and laughs.
A Year Ago
“What are the fundamental principles of effective communication?”
Sweat drips into my eye, effectively half-blindin’ me, but the poundin’ rhythm of my feet helps maintain my focus. “Uh,” I pant, “goal, listen, adjust, organize, persuade, be clear, use visuals and stories, don’t overdo it, and…”
Austin makes an annoyin’ buzzin’ noise in the back of his throat. “Close but not close enough. Ya know what that means.”
“Fuck.” I hop off the treadmill, searchin’ my dumb hillbilly brain for the missing element to no avail. “I hate bench presses.”
“Be curious.” He laughs. “I don’t know why ya do this to yourself.”
Curious. Curious. I’m curious about what my girls are doin’ right now.
I haul my sore legs over to the bench and lie flat, prepared to take my due punishment for not knowin’. “’Cause it helps me think, and I need the distraction. We done been over this. Now quit your grinnin’ and get over here and spot me, so I don’t kill myself.”
He rolls his eyes but takes his place. “If it’s a distraction ya need, a hooker would be a much easier way to go about it.”
I grit my teeth and go through my first set to vent out my anger before it rushes outta my mouth. It’s fine practice. Austin’s a good guy, and he don’t mean no harm. I’m thankful for a friendly face in a sea of strangers in this big town. I never reckoned I’d be fast friends with a football coach but turns out it’s a small world after all. He and Kenny played football at WVU together. It’s enough of a bond that he’s been willin’ to help me study and train.
Goal.
“Kenny ever tell ya stories about where we grew up in Podunk, West Virginia?”
Austin nods. “A time or two, yeah.”
Listen, check. Adjust.
“He ever tell ya about my mama?”
Austin winces as his brain catches up with his mouth. “Yeah…”
Organize. Persuade.
“She traded pleasure for money ‘cause she didn’t have enough education to do nothin’ else. My daddy died and left her with my mouth to feed. Ya reckon she wanted to be sleepin’ with strangers to keep food in my belly and a roof over my head?”
He frowns. “No.”
Be clear, use visuals and stories, don’t overdo it. Check, check, and check. I ain’t usin’ a visual, but I’m willin’ to allow it on account of I have enough visuals to last a lifetime.
“So, ya can see why I don’t find sleepin’ with a woman who don’t really wanna be sleepin’ with me a fittin’ distraction.”
Austin nods and tips his head to the side. “I reckon so.”
I have never in my life faced what my mama did for a livin’ so easily. I’ve surely never brought it up in conversation. Even though my muscles and my mind are done wore out, there’s somethin’ freein’ about ownin’ up to my past and movin’ on from it.
“Thanks for everythin’, but I gotta get back to my apartment.”
He squints his eyes at me. “Why do ya always call it your ‘apartment’? Why don’t ya ever just say ya gotta get home?”
My phone rings in my duffel bag.
Austin shoots me a confused glance. “Ain’t no one ever calls ya. Ya sure ya ain’t got a side piece?”
I’m sure, but I race to my bag anyway. The only reason I spent money on this cell phone was ‘cause one time I missed a call that Anne was in the hospital for a high fever. He still wouldn’t give me their address, so I could go to ‘em, but at least I ain’t never gonna miss another important call again.
“What’s wrong?” I don’t bother checkin’ the handy caller ID. He’s the only one who ever calls this number, seein’ as he’s the only one who has it.
“They’re comin’ home.” Mr. Wheeler has never sounded so excited in all the time I’ve known him.
“When?” Scratch that. “Why?”
“Who cares? Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth! Get your sorry ass here if ya still want my daughter!” He hangs up without another word.
Oh, I still want her all right. I want her more than anythin’.
I turn toward Austin, who’s watching me with wary eyes like he already knows I’m gonna ask him for somethin’.
“I’m gonna go home real soon, but I gotta pass this damn test first.”
“And ya need my help?” he guesses.
“I’ll need all the help I can get.” The certification exam is the easy part.
Ain’t Never Could Do Nothin’
A loud thump interrupts my sweet dream. Another, and I’m aware of the absence of the weight of Jesse’s arm and the heat of his body. A third. I blink my eyes open to find the pillow beside mine empty. So is the bed above me. I burrow into the old quilt I made Jesse years ago and try to go back to sleep, but it’s no use.
Giggles float in along with the early spring sunlight streaming through my bedroom window. I take my time stretching and yawning. I don’t know how Jesse’s been sleeping on this floor for months. My back is killing me.
Daddy’s right. We need to get our own place.
I mosey to the kitchen for coffee. Mama and Daddy are seated at the table, reading.
“What are they doing out there so early in the morning?”
“Tearin’ down the old treehouse,” Mama responds calmly.
“What?” I race out the back door, and sure enough, a pile of broken old boards lays at the base of the big oak tree. There’s a sizeable hole in the roof.
Anne’s groan floats down to my ears. “I can’t do it! I ain’t strong enough!”
“Ain’t never could do nothin’,” Jesse responds.
She grunts again, then another board goes flying, narrowly missing my head.
“Jesse!” I call up to him, my heart pounding at the sight of our treehouse being laid to ruin. “What are you doing? Why are you tearing it down?”
He pops his head out the window and rests his arms on the sill. “’Cause someone’s gonna get hurt with this ole heap stickin’ around. Do ya know what I caught your daughter doin’ this mornin’?”
She’s always my daughter when she displays my temperament. His daughter when she’s being a little angel.
Our daughter every day.
Anne’s excited face appears beside her daddy’s. “I found a surprise!”
She seems much happier about physical labor than expected. “Did Daddy tell you he’d take you for ice cream if you helped him tear down the old treehouse?”
Her eyes grow wide, and she turns toward him slowly with a spreading smile. “That’s a good idea!”
Jesse chuckles. “Come on up, and I’ll show ya exactly what she was doin’.”
I take a deep breath and climb the rungs for what will likely be the final time. Every creak and groan of the old wood is mirrored in the skip of my heartbeat. The rough, splintered surface feels exactly like some of the toughest life lessons I ever learned in a house that was built for innocence.
Jesse holds out a hand to help me through the trap door and pulls me in, well away from the
gaping hole Anne fell through last year. “Stay over here, darlin’. Some of the boards are mighty soft.”
With his arm around my waist and my hands perched on his hard chest, I glance around at a space that looks nothing like my memories. No pile of old blankets and pillows in the corner. Void of the books we used to spend hours reading. A daughter we never imagined but wouldn’t trade for all the riches in the world sits in the corner, smiling like she’s got a secret of her own. I glance up at the sunlight filtering through the leaves of the tree where a roof used to protect us from the elements. It was never so bright in this dim treehouse as it is now.
He holds up a ring that catches the light and reflects it in a kaleidoscope of rainbows on the old walls. “I found her playin’ with this.”
I gasp. My gaze bounces between Jesse, the ring, and Anne.
“Tell her where ya found it,” Jesse instructs.
“In Daddy’s coat.” She beams.
“Tell her who it’s for.”
“It’s for you, Mommy!” Anne giggles.
“Jesse,” I breathe, stunned.
“It ain’t nothin’ too extravagant,” he explains, glancing at the simple ring before fixing his eyes on me.
“Ain’t never could do nothin’!” Anne repeats happily.
“That’s right.” Jesse smiles. “And it ain’t worth waitin’ for all the fine things we used to imagine when we’ve got all we could ever need right here. I love ya, Lenore Euphemia Wheeler. I love Anne Shirley. And it’d make me the happiest man alive if ya’d kindly consider changin’ your names to Yates.”
I laugh. “That’s the most prideful marriage proposal I’ve ever heard!”