by Sarah Hegger
“Shit.” Grace took a deep breath.
The graveyard gave a sickening dip before it settled around Holly. The twins had known all along. She’d spent so much time hiding the truth. For nothing.
“What?” Portia looked from one face to another. “You didn’t think we knew?”
Holly shook her head, not trusting her voice. “We thought it was better that you didn’t.”
“We’ve always known,” Emma said. “Is that why you won’t talk about her?”
Holly nodded. “And because it … hurts.” Such a small word to encapsulate a huge, aching chasm of pain.
Portia laid both hands against the grave marker. “I’m just the same, just the same as our mother.”
“But not today.” The words spun out of Holly’s dead brain and over her lips. “You aren’t like her today and it’s time to go home.”
This wasn’t how it would end for Portia. She would use every ounce of strength and determination she had to make sure it wasn’t.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Holly trailed her sisters into the house. A fog blanketed her mind and she needed time to make it go away. She would think more in the morning. Something important hovered on the other side of her consciousness, but she couldn’t go there. Right now it was all she could do to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
“Holly?” Josh’s voice stopped her and she turned.
He stood beside his car.
“Aren’t you coming?” She motioned to the house.
He shook his head.
His face was grim, like a man facing a firing squad.
She shivered, suddenly terribly cold and exposed beneath the steady blue of his gaze. She walked back toward him slowly, not sure she wanted to hear what he had on his mind. Her heart thudded unevenly in her chest.
“I’m not coming in.” Josh shook his head. “I think it would be better if I stayed at the condo tonight.”
“Why?”
“I think it’s better this way, Holly.” He dropped his head.
He was giving up on her. Defeat was etched into every line of his body. It hit her like a ton of bricks. She didn’t want him to say good-bye. Maybe never. And it made no sense. But it was for the best. This thing couldn’t go anywhere. Then why was everything inside her screaming in rebellion?
“Before I go …”
His lips moved and the words came out. Some functioning part of her brain got every word, but still the clamor grew inside her.
“I was out of line earlier and I was going to ask for your forgiveness, but Portia came in before I could. You were right; you are right.” He shoved his hands into his pockets.
Holly wanted to protest. She wanted to look into those blue-as-forever eyes and lose herself there.
“I didn’t know what it was like. I didn’t know most of this stuff I just found out.” He cleared his throat. “I fucked up, Holly, and you needed better from me. You were right. Other than the thing with my dad, I pretty much sailed through life, and in my arrogance I said a whole lot of crap that I had no right to say.” He took a step closer to her.
Maybe he would hold her and make the terrible coldness inside disappear. Her body tingled in response to the implicit touch.
He stopped. “I’m still here for you, in whatever way you need. You only have to ask and I’ll do it for you.”
She swayed toward him, but he didn’t move. Holly was bereft without the missing touch.
“I’m here for you. No strings, no payback, and no judgment.” He held out his hands. “I know trust is hard for you, and I haven’t exactly covered myself in glory there.”
He made a circle in the air with his forefinger. “We’ve circled around to the trust thing, and I get it now.” His voice softened. “I want to be a part of your life, and if it’s not too late, I want you to know that I’m going to try my best not to let you down again. But that’s me and my shit, and it’s not what you need right now. Not with everything else you have going on.”
A soft noise of distress built in the back of her throat. She couldn’t maintain eye contact.
“So I’ll leave,” he said.
Something chilly settled into the deepest part of her.
“You know where I am if you decide to give me that chance to make it up to you. To stand by you like you need me to. I wish I could make it different, but you don’t get to keep what we have without a leap of faith, sweetheart.” And then he said the thing she feared the most. “I love you, but we both have to take that jump. Just know if you make that leap, Holly, I’ll be right there to catch you.”
“I …” Conflicting emotions chased through her mind.
He loved her and that made her want to dance.
But right on its tail came a sense of defeat. It wrapped around her neck like tentacles. She needed a connection to him, and she reached out with one hand. It was impossible. She dropped her hand.
“I want it all, Holly, but I’ll take what you have to give.” His face had the sort of stark beauty of an archangel as he laid his soul bare for her. “And if that’s nothing, I’ll still help you as much as I can.”
She shook her head. God, she wasn’t worth this much love. She didn’t deserve it or know what to do with it.
“Whatever you need.” He turned and got into his car.
The penis on wheels turned the corner and disappeared.
Her heart went with it. Still, she was too much of a coward to yell for him to come back.
God, how could he say those things to her? Knowing what he did, he still thought she was worth it? It didn’t make any sense.
Nobody got that sort of unconditional offer. Life didn’t work like that.
Her sisters watched her as she walked through the kitchen, a silent vigil of three. She walked right past them and went to the room she shared with Grace. Her legs were shaky and she sank onto the bed. It had a bold geometric pattern on it in shades of blue and gray, and she played tricks with her eyes, trying to make it fall into repeat patterns.
Anything was better than thinking about Josh leaving.
It had once been Josh’s room, but he’d long since taken anything of his out, and the room now belonged to nobody. Unlike Thomas’s room, there were no posters or old photographs to map out the life of the occupant. Only the stars still stuck on the ceiling gave any indication of who had lived in this space.
Holly dropped over onto her back and stared up at the universe.
Josh was gone.
Holly could feel the lack of his presence in the very air she breathed.
He said he loved her. He didn’t expect anything back in return. Things like that didn’t happen, especially not to Holly Partridge.
A blessed numbness filled the space where her feelings should be. She was going to hurt when the numbness left her. It was like watching a car wreck come toward her in slow motion.
She should be glad he’d gone. He was trouble. He was a complication she didn’t need in her life. She missed him already.
The door opened.
“Hey there.” Grace stuck her head around the corner.
Holly held up her hands. “Just don’t ask me if I’m okay.”
“All right, I won’t.” Grace walked over to the bed and sat down beside her. “That was quite something.”
She dragged her mind back to their newest mess. “Is Portia okay?”
“Portia is fine.” Grace rolled her eyes. “It’s you I’m more worried about.”
“You don’t need to be.” Holly didn’t even manage to convince herself.
Grace snorted with laughter. “No?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” She prayed Grace would go away and leave her to curl into a ball of misery.
“Okay.” Grace swung her legs up onto the bed. “I’ll let it go for now. Do you mind if I talk?” She dropped onto the bed next to Holly. “I’ve been living a lie.”
Holly stared at the ceiling. Grace in a sharing mood was rare. But right now Holly wasn
’t sure she wanted to hear it.
“I’ve been walking around half alive, convinced it was what I needed and wanted. I thought I could walk away from Mum and Dad and even you and pretend it was finished.” Grace leaned her shoulder against Holly.
The contact eased some of the ache in Holly’s chest.
“The only problem was, I carried you around with me. The more I tried not to feel, the more it fermented inside me. Lately, I’ve been behaving out of character. It totally freaked Greg out.” Grace pulled a face. “It’s like I had this stuff stored up inside me and someone shook the bottle. Greg asked what was going on with me and I told him. I told him all of it.”
“All of it?”
“Every last sordid detail.” Grace made a small sound of regret. “You know I never told him about us as children, growing up with Mum?”
“What did Greg say?”
Grace pulled a face. “Greg told me to get it together. He didn’t want to be married to a hot mess.”
“What a fuckwit.”
“Precisely.”
“So what did you do?”
“I did as he said and got myself together. I looked at our lifestyle and saw how barren and meaningless it was. I looked at Greg and saw a convenience, not a lover and a friend. I don’t know.” Grace shrugged. “I just woke up and knew I had to go back to the beginning. Greg didn’t want me to come here. He said if I left, it was the end of us.”
“Wow.” Holly tried to think of something comforting to say and came up blank. That was plain fucked up.
“Wow indeed.”
They lay in silence, both of them lost in their own thoughts.
“So, what happens now?” Holly asked.
“I haven’t got the answers.” Grace laughed suddenly. “Hell, I don’t think I’ve even unearthed all the questions, but I’ve stopped running. I’m home again, Holly. I’m home to try to find some meaning in all of this. I thought if I ran fast enough, I could outrun the pain and you and Mum.” She let Holly absorb for a moment. “I thought I might start living my life, the real one this time, and see where it leads.”
“And Greg?”
“I don’t know anything other than that I’m not prepared to go back to a half life. I’ve made a break for it and I can’t go back.”
“I never really liked Greg.” Holly didn’t see the point in hiding that any longer.
“I know.”
Holly tipped her head slightly until it rested against Grace’s. This was how it used to be when they were kids. When the entire world was in uproar around them. In the hub were Holly and Grace, clinging to the stability of each other.
Shit, she was tired. Her heavy body melted into the bed. “Was it as bad as I remember, Gracie?”
“It was probably worse,” Grace said. She took a deep breath. “The worst days for me were the ones when she couldn’t get out of bed.”
“Those were bad. I used to think if I was good enough or quiet enough it would make her better.” Holly was right back there, the terrified little girl, all over again. “For me, though, the worst days were the high days.”
“Yeah.” Grace nodded. “It made you hope maybe this time she would be all right.”
“He’s gone.” The words hid in the back of Holly’s mind, in the place where she didn’t like to wander too often.
Grace patted her hand. “He didn’t go far.”
“It doesn’t matter.” The numbness receded and she ached. “Even if I didn’t chase him away, I can’t be with Josh.”
“Only if you tell yourself that,” Grace said.
“Oh, come on, Grace.” The bitterness crept into Holly’s voice. “You tell me what’s going to happen to Portia and Emma if I go sailing into the sunset with Josh?”
“I don’t know, Holly.” Grace sat up again. “I don’t know what’s going to happen to me, but I do know I can’t go on as I was. Something in me has changed, and I can’t change it back again.”
The fight drained out of Holly and left her feeling like a dried husk. “Same here.”
Chapter Thirty
“So, what are we watching?” Holly took a seat beside Portia on the sofa. There was no sign of Emma.
Grace shoved in next to her and Holly inched closer to Portia.
Portia jumped slightly and stared at them. She opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something, shut it, and turned back to the screen with a vague wave of her hand. “I … er … I don’t know. I’m not watching it.”
Holly kept her eyes on the screen. Her chest was full of a dull sort of ache. She couldn’t get the last image of Josh out of her mind. She had never seen a man stand so openly vulnerable, with his heart in his eyes. He loved her. As incredible and unbelievable as it seemed, Josh Hunter loved Holly Partridge. It should be enough to make them a happy ending.
“Well, we’ll not watch it with you.” The strain showed in Grace’s voice. Playing nice wasn’t her thing.
The images flickered in front of Holly.
Portia sat coiled up on the other end of the sofa, looking like she might spontaneously combust at any moment.
She should ask what was bothering Portia, but she couldn’t. The will to open her mouth wasn’t there. She was behaving like a sulky child, but for right now, she didn’t want anything more to do with Portia and her feelings. Instead, she tried to apply her attention to the drama rolling out on the screen.
“Who’s that?” Like she cared about some random beautiful person wearing too much makeup.
“That’s Hope.” Grace seemed to be making the effort to keep it chirpy. “And the one she’s talking to is called Steffy. Hope is leaving town.”
Lucky Hope. Holly tried to pick up the thread of the conversation on the screen. It was better than dealing with the dialogue in her head.
Hope’s departure seemed important and had a lot to do with Liam. Then Liam came into it as well. Holly couldn’t say how. He was a good-looking guy, this Liam, other than the strange goatee thing he had going on. He had nothing on Josh. A huge sigh built up in her chest and she released it.
Grace opened her mouth.
Holly didn’t want to talk. Enough was enough, however, and she reached for the remote.
“I know it’s not him,” Portia said.
“Huh?”
Grace shrugged and looked past her at Portia.
Portia virtually climbed the arm of the sofa in an effort to put distance between them.
Holly turned down the volume and paid better attention. “What did you say?”
Portia’s mouth wobbled and her eyes filled with tears. “I know it’s not Josh.” Her voice was so quiet Grace leaned forward. “You think I don’t understand, but I do. I know it’s not Josh.”
Oh, fuck. Holly’s head reeled. It was like a sucker punch straight to the gut. She opened her mouth and a strange strangled sound slid out.
Grace gaped at Portia for a long hard moment. From somewhere Grace dredged up an inside voice. Holly was impressed. She didn’t have one of those in her at the moment.
“Yet you told everyone he was your baby’s father?” Grace’s body vibrated with tension.
The tears spilled over Portia’s lids and slid down her face.
Holly watched her sister cry from a distance. There wasn’t an ounce of pity in her.
“Josh and Holly love each other and Holly is going to let Josh go because she’s worried about you,” Grace said.
Thank God Grace still had the mental capacity to pursue this. Holly was floored.
“I know,” Portia said in a choked whisper.
“And even when you could have said something, you didn’t?” Grace’s voice hardened. “You knew Holly and Josh had feelings for each other and you didn’t do anything. I don’t understand.”
Grace was on the attack.
Normally, Holly would strap on her armor and protect Portia. Not tonight. There was nothing Grace said that wasn’t the God’s honest truth.
“I know.” Portia’s sweatpants bunched
beneath her convulsive clasp. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want Holly to have him.”
Holly let the information sink in as she sat there.
Portia knew all along. She wasn’t delusional. This had nothing to do with her being bipolar. Portia had known and left everyone to flounder around her. It defied understanding. Portia was sick. The excuse suddenly wasn’t good enough.
The anger lit a slow burn in Holly’s chest.
Portia had started this and then gone and made it worse with her ridiculous accusation. Not happy to let it stop there, she had finished the job with her latest bolt to Melissa’s grave.
“Why?” Holly and Grace spoke at the same time.
The question hung there. Holly kept her attention transfixed on Portia and the answer. Every fiber of her being needed to know this.
“I wanted it to be true. I wanted to believe Josh was the father.” Portia winced.
“Why?” The word shot out of her mouth in a harsh rasp.
“Because,” Portia’s breathing hitched like an asthmatic stutter, “he was nice to me. When I first came to Willow Park. I didn’t know anybody, and I remembered him from when you were at school together. He was so nice to me.”
Portia wiped her cheeks. “I saw him here in Willow Park, like I told Emma. But he didn’t recognize me. He said he did, but I could tell he didn’t. It was only when I said I was Holly’s sister that he remembered. He bought me something to eat and asked about Holly. I wanted to see him again. He said he didn’t think it was a good idea.”
“You’re going to have to give me a bit more.” Holly’s jaw tightened as she clamped down on the hot angry words threatening to spill out. Her stomach lurched.
“I was scared. And he was like some kind of fairy-tale prince. He was the father I wanted my baby to have. He was the sort of man I always dreamed of having and I wanted it to be real.”
“What happened?” Grace took over the questioning.
“I found him at the bar the next night and the next night. He was nice to me.”
Josh hadn’t shared this part, probably because he had tried to spare her feelings. Holly’s chest ache sharpened and twisted. He had been so patient. Portia put him in a crappy position again and again.