How could he have stayed with her and pursued his chosen career? It wouldn’t have worked. He was bound to have got a tug. He’d had to give her up. It was either her or making something of himself, and he’d chosen the latter without a second’s thought. But he’d loved the bones of her then and seeing her again only made him realise how much he still did… and so he dared to wondered now – now that they were adults, now that he was well established, well protected and truly embedded into the life he’d chosen – whether something could finally happen between them.
But where would he start? There were things he could never tell her, things that he’d not even told Reggie, and he trusted Reggie more than anyone in the world. But if he could just give her a brief truth and explain to her the reason for his choice not to keep her…
“I have to go…” Lily said in a choked whisper, and, mustering all her strength, she turned away from him.
“Look!” Aiden took her arm gently. “I was a crook, your parents are Filth… what was I supposed to do?”
“Filth?”
“Gina wasn’t a liability…” he murmured uncertainly.
Lily stared at him in disbelief. “A liability?”
He sighed and ran a hand over his face once more. “It’s complicated, alright?”
“No, it isn’t, Aiden. You chose Gina despite your feelings for me, because you’d rather earn a quick buck thieving than get off your arse and do something of significance with your life, like actually doing your GCSEs instead of getting stoned… and going to college, getting a decent education, so you could get a good legitimate job!”
“People like me don’t get fucking good jobs!” Aiden growled. “You don’t know what it’s like coming from this shithole!” He gestured around him, exasperated.
“Oh yeah, of course… poor little Aiden… like no one ever makes a success of themselves unless they’ve been brought up with a silver spoon up their backside!”
“What do you know, eh?” he spat viciously. “Has your dad ever spent money that was meant to buy food for that week, so you fucking starve instead? Has he ever kicked the living shit out of you just because he felt like it?”
“So you turn to a life of crime just to show how disappointed you are with the world?”
“You know what, love?” Aiden sneered. “Why don’t you go back to your open fireplaces and fucking silverware and I’ll get back to the real world.” He lit himself yet another cigarette and toked on it, his expression impassive but his eyes smouldering.
Lily shook her head. “I was wrong to come here…”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
The finality of his words hit her like a freight train. She stared at his handsome face and was, once again, reminded of how bloody stubborn he was. But she couldn’t deny her feelings. She still adored him, however wrong he was for her. She gulped down the flood of tears that was soon to come and said, finally, “’Bye Aiden, and good luck,” and at that she turned and walked quickly up the road.
Aiden stared after her, feeling the huge pull of Lily Summers once more. Yet, like before, his belief that she didn’t belong in his world persuaded him to let her go. The door to the pub opened and the hollered countdown inside told Aiden that it was seconds to midnight. Reggie came bustling out into the cold with a pint of Abbot Ale in his hand, unperturbed that he was to miss the imminent tumult of celebration. “What’s going on?” he asked, frowning with concern.
Continuing to stare up the road despite the fact that Lily had disappeared, Aiden replied, “Nothing, mate, nothing… just an old friend come to say hello…”
Reggie nodded. “Well, now that we’re alone…” he said. He hesitated, then announced, “I was informed earlier tonight about something that I think we need to discuss, about the KKKs… I didn’t want to bring it up earlier as we were celebrating…”
Aiden had turned to face Reggie to see that his eyes betrayed an anxiousness that he rarely glimpsed in his vivacious friend. “What is it?” he asked gravely.
When Aiden initially became aware of the dark car that crawled into the street and headed in their direction, he thought nothing of it, but as the black BMW pulled up at the kerb beside them with a distinct rev of its sports engine, it took just seconds for him to register the end of a sawed-off shotgun poking out of the top of the blacked-out window. Instinctively, he grabbed Reggie’s arm and made to run inside.
When the gun went off, Reggie’s body was forced backwards. Aiden threw himself onto the floor as a round of gunfire penetrated his ears then, with a shriek, the BMW skidded away and out of sight just as the crowd inside the pub came to the end of Auld Lang Syne.
Aiden made his way home in a daze. He travelled on autopilot and didn’t quite know how far he’d come until he began ascending the stone stairs up to his flat. He didn’t notice Lily standing outside his door until he was directly in front of her.
“Aiden, I…” She was about to apologise when she noticed his pained expression. “What’s the matter?”
Just her comforting voice brought a stream of tears to his eyes. He roughly pulled out his keys from his trouser pocket and burst into the flat. He charged into his living room and Lily followed him in. The room was minimalistic with a black leather sofa lining one wall, a glass coffee table in the centre, a state-of-the-art television, CD player and a modern, artistic drinks cabinet in the shape of a cylinder. The walls were cream and the carpet was a royal red.
Aiden paced the floor, holding his palms over his eyes and making strained whimpering sounds as if he was trying his utmost not to wail. Lily stood at the door not knowing what to do, when all of a sudden he spun round, his hands clenched into fists, and bellowed, “It stinks of fucking piss in ’ere! Fucking shithole, the lot of it!” and, swinging his fists, he began to punch the far wall, over and over, crying, “Fucking piece of fucking, shitty, cunting…!”
Lily raced to his side and grabbed his face with her hands, avoiding his fists and pulling him round to face her. “Aiden, it’s OK, I’m here… I’m here!”
Tears streamed down his cheeks and, wrapping his arms around her waist, he bawled. He never cried. Even when his dad used to kick the living shit out of him, he’d forced himself not to shed one tear for the bastard, but he couldn’t stop now. He just needed to let out what was tearing him up inside.
Reggie had died instantly. The first shot had touched his heart, the second finishing him off for good. People inside the pub who had heard the shots had rushed out onto the street to find Aiden draped over Reggie’s still, bloodied body, shaking him and demanding that he wake up. An ambulance had eventually taken Reggie’s body away, his face covered by a blanket. Aiden had then fled as Connor had jumped into the ambulance with his cousin.
“It’s OK, it’s OK,” Lily whispered calmly, over and over, as he told her what had happened. She ran her long, painted fingernails through his thick, dark hair, leaving light kisses on the side of his neck.
He revelled in her sweet, soothing gesture. When he was calm, tears pooling in his eyes, he pulled away slightly to find Lily’s lips brushing his cheek, then his nose, then their lips were hovering over one another’s. In the silence, they both felt their own longing as acutely as if their whole being relied on each other’s touch. Aiden’s large hand took the back of Lily’s head and, finally, he pulled her face towards his and slipped his tongue into her mouth.
Lily knew it was wrong. She shouldn’t have gone there. She shouldn’t have followed him in. She should not be kissing him. They were from two different worlds. They were doomed to fail. But when his lips found her neck and his hands found her breasts, she could do nothing but submit.
She loved Aiden Foster. She’d fallen in love with him the moment she’d seen him. She had loved him even when she had been told he had betrayed her, and she had loved him all the more during the wasted years that she had not been able to see his face every day.
Aiden’s lips lingered at Lily’s breasts. They were both naked, sp
rawled across Aiden’s bed. As his lips found her mouth, Lily felt the hardness of his manhood brush against the inside of her leg. She inhaled deeply and waited anxiously. She was so nervous. Why was she nervous?
Aiden eased himself inside her. She gasped, and his lips immediately found hers, remaining there as he began to penetrate her, little by little, making her wait – seducing her. She responded by kissing him deeper, pressing herself against him. She let out a small cry. “I want you!” she begged against his lips.
He thrust inside her, slowly he pulled back out, then immediately thrust inside her again, letting out a loud groan as he pulled back out once more. “You feel so good, Lily,” he murmured, his blue eyes gazing at her. He buried himself deep inside her again, and then again, and in the heat of his passion, he wrenched one of her legs upwards and thrust harder, deeper. “Fuck, Lils!”
Lily felt the first waves of an orgasm deep within her, and the deeper he thrust the more pleasure she felt. She bit her lip and breathed heavily as he moved faster inside her. Aiden could feel his impending release, and he could tell by the tension in Lily’s body – the way she arched her back and pressed her pelvis against him – that she was close to climaxing too, but both held on, enjoying the feel of each other: the heat, the wetness, the thrill of feeling the other’s flesh against their own at last. Pushing both of her legs upwards, Aiden proceeded to thrust purposefully, now determined to drive Lily onwards and upwards.
“Aiden, please!” Lily cried as he penetrated her deeper, her plea heightening his conviction, knowing that it was he who was stimulating her. “Aiden!” Lily cried again, and her dam burst wide open as she convulsed below him, calling out his name again and again as his deep thrusts prolonged the delightful sensation of her climax and, suddenly, he too erupted, releasing his juices inside of her.
“Lily!” he cried, stilling momentarily as he allowed the waves of his orgasm to calm and dissolve into a feeling of euphoric fatigue, then he released her legs and fell on top of her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close, relishing in the moment he’d finally been able to call her name.
************
“I’ve got to go,” Lily announced.
She had no idea what the time was. They must have fallen asleep. The sun was blasting through the nets hanging from Aiden’s bedroom window, and the morning brought with it all the uncertainties Lily had had before their fervent love-making the night before. Now, a pang of regret and doubt clouded her evaluation of what she had done, and to leave and clear her head was her prevailing desire.
Aiden bolted up into a seated position. “Stay,” he replied with urgency.
“I can’t… I’ve got to go.”
“What for?”
She swung her legs off the bed, closed her eyes and sighed. “I can’t see you again, Aiden.”
He was at her side in an instant. “What you saying that for?” There was a long silence whilst he stared expectantly at her.
Lily gulped. “I’m seeing someone else…”
He frowned and licked dry lips. He attempted to remain calm, but the thought of some wanker’s hands on his Lily immediately stirred the demon within him. “Seeing someone else… well… what the fuck is that meant to mean? You came to see me remember?”
“Don’t get angry, Aiden…”
“I ain’t getting angry. I just wanna know what the fuck is going on here, Lils.” He stood abruptly and ran a hand through his tousled hair. Staring down at her, trying so hard to control his temper, he asked, “Who is it?” Lily frowned. “Who you seeing?” he pressed.
“No one you know… he’s from college.”
“What’s his name?” he asked indignantly, high-handedly, his fingers running back and forth over his chin.
“Tristan,” Lily whispered, her voice small and choked.
“Excuse me?” Aiden leaned in to her, his eyes fixated on hers, his intention to intimidate as if she was one of his debtors.
Lily scowled up at him. “Don’t attempt to bully me, Aiden! His name is Tristan!” she scorned.
For a moment they both glared at each other until a quiver of a smile rose on Aiden’s lips. He turned on his heels and ran a hand over his mouth. “Tristan? Oh, come on!” he mocked, laughing contemptuously, his arms flying up into the air. “Where’s he from, fucking Oxford? I bet his dad’s a lawyer and his mum is fucking the gardener! I bet he’s boring… is he boring?”
Aiden’s mesmerising blue eyes were alive with hilarity, and Lily couldn’t contain her own amusement. Tristan Coleman was the son of a surgeon, and his mother… a lawyer. Of course, on paper, she and Tristan were perfect for one another. Her parents certainly wouldn’t disapprove – if she told them about him – but he was boring and he wasn’t… well, he wasn’t Aiden.
“Stop it, Aiden.” Lily scowled once more, but her retort had no conviction. She was suddenly smiling.
“Tristan?” Aiden mocked again, shaking his head, but the reality that some other man laid claim to his Lily was hitting him hard. He could actually feel bile rising in his throat at the image he now formed in his mind’s eyes of another man’s hands over the body he had enjoyed last night. When his eyes met hers, he was solemn. “You do love me, don’t you?”
Lily closed her eyes and her smile faded. She gulped. “It’s not fair for you to ask me that…”
“Well, you do, don’t you? I know you do. I feel it. Last night was…” he tailed off, unable as always to articulate his true feelings. He began to bite the side of his thumb, then ran a hand over his face for the umpteenth time.
Lily understood this to be a sign of distress in Aiden. She remembered it vividly from the last time they had fallen into difficultly with each other.
“Aiden… I need time to think…”
He dropped to his knees in front of her and ran his hands up and down her arms. “Lils? This is me, this is us. We belong together, you and me… you know we do. Let’s just start anew, eh?” Lily didn’t reply. Her eyes lowered to where her fingers were frantically twisting in her lap. “Look, just meet me again. We can talk,” he persisted. She began to shake her head, and he took her chin and lifted her face so that their blue eyes met. “Please Lils… you didn’t turn up out of the blue just to sleep with me last night, did you?”
Lily sighed. The answer was, of course, ‘no’. She’d longed to see him, to be a part of his life again, but they were so yin and yang that she wasn’t sure they’d ever be able to live in harmony. She didn’t articulate it. She said, “Alright, I’ll meet you Friday, but not around here. Meet me at Highbury & Islington underground.”
Lily had never disguised the fact that the area Aiden had lived in all his life was disgusting to her. She couldn’t help how uncomfortable she felt around this way; she had been brought up with money and principles, with nice comfortable surroundings. The council estates in all their concrete glory just intimidated her.
Aiden sensed her distaste and attempted not to let it vex him. It was a shithole, and he wasn’t proud of that, but he’d be out of there soon enough. “Alright,” he surrendered reluctantly.
They shared an awkward peck at the front door. Aiden leant in to deepen the kiss, but Lily stepped back. She needed distance now. She needed to think seriously about not just what she wanted, but what was realistic. “See you Friday,” she whispered.
Aiden nodded and opened the front door to let her go. It took them both by surprise when Gina came storming down the walkway in their direction. She came to an abrupt halt when she recognised Lily and was momentarily stunned. She then slurred, “What the fuck are you doing ’ere?” her lip curling with disgust.
She was a mess. She swayed on the spot, her eyes bloodshot and stained with days-old mascara. With a cigarette in hand, she took a long drag, and Lily noticed her fingertips and nails were stained yellow, her hand bruised and scabbed around her knuckles.
“For fuck’s sake, G, go do one, will you?” Aiden snarled.
Lily was momentarily gobsma
cked by the way Gina had turned out, but then she turned to Aiden and asked in distress, “Are you still seeing her?”
“It ain’t what you think…”
“Seeing me?” Gina scorned. “I was going to have his baby…”
“Shut it, G!” Aiden spat. Turning back to Lily, he pleaded, “I can explain…”
Lily laughed derisively, “You arsehole! Don’t bother coming to see me on Friday. I won’t be there!” She pushed him away from her and took off down the walkway.
“Lils!” he yelled after her, but he knew it was a lost cause. He would have to deal with her another day. He watched her take the stairs and disappear from view, then he turned to Gina. “You twat! What the fuck do you want?” he sneered.
She was having trouble standing, so she gripped hold of the balustrade for support. “I needed to see you,” she slurred.
“What for?”
“Let me just come in for a bit…” she wheedled. “I just need to see you…”
Aiden glared at her then sighed, exasperated. Pushing the door open, he dragged her inside and into the living room by her elbow and pushed her onto his couch. He then disappeared, eventually coming back with a large vodka. “Drink…” he instructed.
Gina downed the drink in one, without hesitation, enjoying the familiar burn of alcohol in her empty stomach. “I miss you, Ai-den, I need you…” she slurred.
Aiden sparked up a cigarette. “What do you want from me, G? I told you that I couldn’t be with you. I’m your boss… you, my darlin’, are my employee, and employee and boss don’t mix.”
“I’ve been working for us, Aiden, so we can build a life together. If I’d had little Jimmy, we would have been a proper family. We still can be!”
“You lost that baby, G, six fucking months ago, and I’m glad you did, because I wouldn’t have wanted it. It was a stupid mistake. You told me you were on the pill!”
“I was… I forgot for a week or so, that’s all!” She shook her head urgently. “You don’t like using condoms… the punters have to…”
Human Conditioning Page 24