When Nerlin was a very young child his father, Merlin the 84th, had cast a Not-Very-Bright Spell over him for his own protection.41 If he hadn’t done this, Nerlin would probably have become a rebel and tried to reclaim the throne that should have been his family’s, and as King Quatorze had surrounded himself with dozens of evil cronies and spies, Nerlin would undoubtedly have been captured, tortured and turned into a sticky residue at the bottom of Lake Tarnish, like many of the King’s other enemies.
‘Besides,’ Merlin the 84th had said, ‘Nerlin is far too young to be clever. It would only get him into trouble even if he didn’t try to overthrow the King.’
So the spell was cast. Nerlin immediately forgot his nine times table and how to tie his shoelaces. His mother realised her precious son had suddenly changed from a bright spark to a weak, but pretty, candle and put it down to the overwhelmingly depressing atmosphere of living in the drains, or something he had eaten. Merlin hadn’t told his wife what he had done, just in case she blurted it out by mistake at a coffee morning.42
Nerlin grew up as happy as any other young person living in the dismal gloom of a slime-coated drain – which is to say, Nerlin grew up in a trance with a little voice in the back of his head that kept telling him life should be better than this. But everyone else was in the same boat,43 so they all accepted it, especially the children, who had never known anything else.
But now, with King Quatorze banished to Rockall and the passing of time having made Nerlin a lot older, Merlin decided it was time for his son to become clever again.
Of course, Merlin should have taken over as King, but he was a wise man and realised that he was too old to lead the country.44 Besides, all the years of being trapped in the drains had taught him to love slime and damp slippery places and while the whole of Transylvania Waters was generally very damp and slippery, above ground just didn’t have that extra something that the drains had – sewage.
So Merlin removed the spell from his son and suddenly huge waves of wisdom, cleverness and the ability to change tap washers in seventeen different languages washed back into Nerlin’s brain. Lights that had been switched off years before suddenly shone with an amazing brilliance as Nerlin not only remembered all of his nine times table, but finally stopped tripping over his untied shoelaces because he was now wise enough to wear shoes that didn’t have laces. As the spell faded away, tiny clouds puffed out of his ears until the inside of his head was as clear as a bright sunny day. Now he could even programme the TV remote – or rather, he would have been able to if there had been television in Transylvania Waters, but that is another story.
No one, from Mordonna to Nerlin himself, suspected that he had been under a spell for most of his life. His wife and children had just assumed that he was a bit average and had loved him exactly as he was. He was a good father and husband, always happy to go along with everyone else’s suggestions and plans. Now that he was not only clever, but also seriously wise, it took some getting used to. Mordonna was not the sort of person who like playing second fiddle, though the majestic way Nerlin carried himself was rather thrilling. Betty had always thought her father was a hero so she felt exactly the same towards him. Winchflat was excited at the prospect of discussing complicated scientific projects with his father and Satanella was excited at the prospect of her dad probably being able to throw a red rubber ball further than he could before. Even Morbid and Silent were excited. They didn’t know why, but if everyone else was, they weren’t going to miss out.
‘There is another secret spell I must change too,’ said Merlin when he had explained what he had done to his son and why.
‘It’s the Cabbage Curse, isn’t it?’ said Nerlin, using some of his new cleverness.
‘How did you guess?’ said Merlin. ‘Oh yes, I forgot, you’re incredibly clever now.’
He said this with an air of regret because while Nerlin had been under the spell, Merlin himself had been the cleverest person in the world. Now with Nerlin restored and having a much younger brain than the old wizard, Merlin was only the second-cleverest. This was difficult for him to come to terms with, but he consoled himself with the fact that the person who was the wisest and cleverest was his own son. He also had the sneaking suspicion that Nerlin’s brain, which was already completely brilliant, was draining some of the cleverness out of his own.
‘Yes, it is the Cabbage Curse,’ the old man continued. ‘I used the last of my Super-Spells to create it. It was the only thing I could do to get at Quatorze.’
‘So now you can reverse it,’ said Nerlin.
‘No, my son, I do not have enough power left in me,’ said Merlin. ‘It is up to you.’
So Nerlin, in his first great act as King of Transylvania Waters, reversed the Cabbage Curse and instantly every cabbage in Transylvania Waters changed back into whatever it had been before. This was mostly wonderful, though there were complaints from some people who said the spell hadn’t worked. It had, but when you turn a cabbage back into what it was before and what it was before was a cabbage, then you get a cabbage. Some of the things that were turned back had actually been alive before, so there were a few surprised people who had been standing at their stoves cooking cabbage only to see a chicken fly out of the saucepan and run out of the house. Because Nerlin was a wise and omnipotent King, his Cabbage Reversing Spell also included a very powerful dose of painkiller so chickens and lobsters and the like who had been in pans of boiling water as cabbages were completely unharmed.
And all around the country, where people had thrown away old cabbage leaves, there were thousands and thousands of fifty-dollar notes. There were trees with birds’ nests made of them. They were the nests of the strange Cabbage Leaf Bird, which always builds its nest out of and only eats – wait for it – cabbage leaves. A lot of eggs and baby birds went crashing to the ground, but that was OK because ever since the Curse had been cast the number of Cabbage Leaf Birds had grown to plague proportions.
The next two days were declared a national holiday to give everyone enough time to stuff themselves full of cockroach risotto and rat cake and all the other wonderful things they had been missing for so many years.
‘This is such a great idea,’ said King Nerlin, ‘that from now on, the first Friday in every month will be called Sugar Day and be a public holiday. On that day anyone found eating cabbage will have to wear a really bad cardigan with leather elbow patches and lumpy pockets for the rest of the month.’
This, of course, only made Nerlin more popular than ever, except with the Cabbage Leaf Birds, who found it very hard to fly with a big lumpy cardigan on.
Like all new kings and queens, Nerlin and Mordonna had to have a coronation. Not surprisingly, the banished ex-King had long since disposed of the crown jewels. He’d dug all the precious stones out with his penknife, melted down all the gold and then sold everything. He’d even melted the penknife down and sold that too.
‘Couldn’t I just use my black pointy wizard hat?’ said Nerlin. ‘It’s my favourite one anyway.’
‘There’s no doubt that you do look seriously attractive wearing it,’ said Mordonna. ‘But a coronation is supposed to be symbolic. I mean, how do you think the people will feel if you turn up in your ordinary hat?’
‘They will think I am a modest sort of person who doesn’t waste money on silly expensive dressing up,’ said Nerlin.
‘But all Kings waste money on silly dressing up,’ said Betty, who had been looking forward to wearing a lot of bling herself. ‘It goes with the job.’
‘No, your father’s right,’ said Mordonna. ‘The people will love him even more.’
‘But, but…’ Betty protested.
She had spent ages making a bright pink Fairy Princess dress with tons of sequins and sparkly bits.
‘That’s OK, darling,’ said Mordonna. ‘You can still wear your special dress. Everyone will know it wasn’t expensive.’
Betty said nothing. She just clicked her fingers and a sticker appeared on her mum
’s back that said:
but Betty could never outwit her mother and the sticker changed to:
Everyone who has read all the earlier Floods books really carefully and lots of times will know that King Quatorze and Queen Scratchrot were never actually divorced.45 This meant that when the ex-King married Countess Slab he committed bigamy, which is illegal, even in Transylvania Waters where you are allowed to marry a table lamp. This meant Quatorze was (a) a criminal and (b) not actually married to the Countess. It also meant that he was still married to the wonderful, kind and lovely Queen Scratchrot.
‘Yuk,’ said the Queen when she realised this. ‘I feel ill.’
‘No problem, Mother-in-law,’ said King Nerlin.
This was very simple because in Transylvania Waters it was the King who granted divorces. All he had to do was write a note and pin it on a cow saying the Queen was divorced and why and it was done in an instant.
Here is what he wrote with his special New King Pen:
I, King Nerlin the First, hereby grant Queen
Scratchrot a full and total divorce
from Ex-King Quatorze on the grounds of:
• His dreadful moustache. (NOTE TO SELF: ALL moustaches are dreadful. In fact I, King Nerlin, hereby decree moustaches are illegal. SECOND NOTE: Except for my Aunt Mildread and others like her due to their medical condition.)
• Bad breath.
• Unpleasant shape.
• Stupid.
• Cardigans. (NOTE: I, King Nerlin, hereby decree cardigans are illegal. SECOND NOTE: Except for my Aunt Mildread and others like her due to their medical conditions – insanity and advanced bad taste.)
• Being a member of the Belgian Trainspotters· Club.
• Being a member of the Belgian Cardigan Appreciation Society.
• Breathing.
It is a condition of this divorce that neither Ex-King Quatorze nor any minute part of him is ever to return to Transylvania Waters.
The same applies to Countess ‘Lardy Pants· Slab.
Nerlin also decreed that Ex-King Quatorze had to marry Countess Slab even though the Ex-King asked to be allowed to take poison instead. Here is the marriage decree:
I, King Nerlin the First, hereby pronounce Ex-King Quatorze and the Countess Slab husband and wife and that:
• They shall remained married forever, even after death and re-incarnation.
• They shall loathe, dishonour and disobey each other.
• They shall eat each other’s toenail clippings
• They are banished forever to Rockall.
• As punishment for his bigamy, the Ex-King shall eat his trousers without washing them first.
And while he was at it he did another decree which pronounced Queen Scratchrot and her true love, Vessel, as husband and wife and gave Vessel the honorary title of The Duke Of That Other Place Across The Lake Whose Name I Can’t Remember.
‘What about the Hearse Whisperer?’ said Queen Scratchrot. ‘Could we banish her to Rockall as well?’
‘Brilliant idea, Mother-in-law,’ said King Nerlin, ‘but we shall send her there in little bits. We shall chip her out of the freezer and make her fall as hailstones on Rockall and when all the bits are there, they shall melt and re-form into the Hearse Whisperer, but she will now blame the Ex-King for all the bad stuff in her life and spend the rest of eternity persecuting him by singing the ten lowest-scoring songs in the history of the Eurovision Song Contest over and over and over again until Quatorze and Slab will go insane, but still sane enough to realise they are living in perpetual torment.’
‘You’re still letting them all off too lightly,’ said Auntie Mould. ‘What about making the hailstones boiling hot and full of lots of germs that give them the plague and noses that never stop running so much that they keep slipping in it and falling on their faces?’
‘Germs and runny noses, OK,’ said Nerlin, ‘but I am a wise and forgiving King so we won’t make the hailstones hot.’
‘Really painful in-grown toenails?’
‘All right.’
‘And what about making him speak Flemish and her speak Portuguese so they can’t understand a single word either one says?’
‘I like that one,’ said Nerlin.
‘And…’
‘Enough, enough,’ said Nerlin, holding up his hand.
‘There can never be enough,’ said Queen Scratchrot.
‘Moving on,’ said Nerlin. ‘I decree that from henceforth, Mother-in-law, you shall be known as the Queen Mother on account of being the Queen’s mother,’ Nerlin continued. ‘Until Valla becomes King, when you will be known as the Queen Grandmother, and then when Valla’s son becomes King, you shall be known as the Queen Great-Grandmother.’
‘This man is my sort of King,’ said a cockroach that was sitting under Nerlin’s throne. ‘Everything nice and accurate. Though if it were me, I don’t think I would have gone so far as to call her “Great”. I think Queen Pretty-Good-Grandmother would be more accurate.’
‘Well, actually,’ said another cockroach, ‘she’s not pretty. If you want to be really, totally accurate she should be called Queen Old-And-Wrinkly-But-Very-Nice-Grandmother.’
‘Yes, but…’
‘I also decree that from henceforth all Transylvania Waters cockroaches must be a lot more laid-back, on punishment of being sent to a small dark hole on the rim of the volcano on Tristan da Cuhna,’ said Nerlin, and added, ‘My eldest son Valla, who will one day be King, shall be known as Crown Prince Valla, and his soon-to-be-born son, Prince Corduroi, shall be known as Prince Corduroi.’
‘I think you should assemble parliament and bring democracy to Transylvania Waters,’ said Mordonna.
‘Do I have to?’ said Nerlin.
‘Of course you do. You don’t want to be a dictator like my awful father, do you?’
‘No, of course not,’ said Nerlin. ‘It’s not that.’
‘Well, what is then?’
‘Politics and all that stuff is boring.’
‘I know, but as King you have a duty,’ said Mordonna.
‘Well, can I stop being King now?’
‘No.’
So King Nerlin issued a proclamation saying that parliament would be assembled for the first time in the entire history of Transylvania Waters and everyone could vote and whatever. Up until then there had never been an election or any MPs or councils. In the old days there had always been a prime minister, but as he had always been the eldest son of the King’s eldest son, he had just been a puppet who had done whatever his grandfather had told him.
When he had first seized power King Quatorze had built a grand Houses of Parliament. It had been constructed to fool the people into thinking they were actually going to have some say in how Transylvania Waters would be run. For the first ten years the King had pretended the building was being finished off inside and just as soon as the painters and decorators left, parliament would be assembled after wonderful fair and free elections. This, of course, never happened and the huge parliament building lay deserted for many years until a group of chickens looking for an alternate lifestyle moved in.46
But it wasn’t just Nerlin who thought politics was boring. So did the whole population. They’d managed without politics for hundreds of years and couldn’t see the point of it now. It would just mean more taxes – which, even if they were only one cent a year, would be one cent more than anyone paid at the moment. But this was the twenty-first century and Mordonna thought it was time for a change.
Once upon a time a very famous comedian called Spike Milligan said, ‘Anyone who wants to go into politics should be banned,’ and he was right. King Nerlin, who was now incredibly wise and getting seven points wiser every fifteen seconds, consulted his father, the ancient and just as wise Merlin the 84th. Together they agreed that the only way to have a true democracy was for every single person in Transylvania Waters over the age of sixteen to be a Member of Parliament. After some complaints the age was reduced to ten and then
again to five.
This, of course, meant that no decisions could ever be reached because it was impossible for everyone to fit into the Houses of Parliament at the same time to vote on anything, and they couldn’t do a postal vote on account of Transylvania Waters not having any Post Offices or letters or stamps.47 So everyone agreed they would just let the King decide everything, which was exactly how it had been before, except that now everyone felt they were involved, and as they all liked Nerlin, they were happy for him to decide all the important political things like how many stripes there should be in a zebra crossing and what was the best colour to paint the toilets in the town square.
‘And you know what?’ said King Nerlin. ‘Now that we aren’t going to use the Houses of Parliament any more, I suggest we turf out the chickens and make the buildings into television studios.’
‘What a brilliant idea,’ said the entire population, except the chickens, who had to find somewhere else to live. ‘Umm, err, what’s television?’
King Nerlin handed over to Princess Betty to explain, but that’s another story.
Because the mountains that cut Transylvania Waters off from the world are so high and dense and made almost entirely of really heavy iron ore, no television or radio signals could ever get in from the outside world. Because the iron ore is so incredibly magnetic, all compasses just spin round and round so fast they actually get hot enough to melt. The magnetism also stopped any television or radio signals beamed down from satellites getting in. They simply bounced right back up again and flew off out into space where they all ended up on a very remote planet in a galaxy far, far away where the radio hadn’t been invented yet. This was on account of the fact that the most advanced life on the planet, although being ten times more intelligent than any human, had soft floppy arms like giant slugs and no thumbs, which means that although they had worked out all sorts of incredibly advanced science in their heads, they couldn’t do anything with it because they were totally crap at making anything that required precision handling of small components, medium components or any other size components.48
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