by Claire Adams
I cried for all of those things, but that was not all. I cried mostly for me, and for the torment that I could never seem to be free of.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Luke
I sat at the diner for the second day in a row, staring down at the bandage wrapped around the burn I acquired from trying to make scrambled eggs for the second day in a row. Jake was happy, humming to the music overhead as he packed in the pancakes and drank his chocolate milk, a combination I knew was going to send him off the sugar deep end, but I didn’t really mind since he was going back to his mother’s in about an hour anyway. Life without Quinn fucking sucked; I couldn’t deny it any longer. It seriously had only been one day since she left, but I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t sleep a wink Saturday night, and when I woke up in the morning, I found the silence of the house overwhelming. I needed to hear the tapping of her bare feet across the tiled kitchen floor. I needed to smell the sweet scent of food in the kitchen, and most of all I wanted to feel her in my arms, her head snuggled against my shoulder and the smell of lavender and vanilla wafting into my nose. I missed her, that was just the plain truth about it.
I wasn’t the only one sad about it either. Jake immediately broke into tears when I revealed the news to him, and he spent all of Saturday sulking in front of the television. He went to bed without a story, slightly rough in the way that he spoke to me. I didn’t tell him what had happened, but I could tell that he already knew it was my fault that our Quinn was gone. In the morning, he stared at me trying to cook, rolling his eyes and going into his room when I announced another trip to the diner. The boy was not going to cut me any slack, and I didn’t blame him, nor did I deserve any. I felt like complete shit for disappointing my son, and even worse for disappointing Quinn.
I had fucked everything up, not realizing what I had until it was gone. I had lucked into finding Quinn, knowing full well there wasn’t another woman out there nearly as amazing, or as perfect for me. And if there was, there was no way she would be interested in me, much less fall in love with me and want to be part of my family. I threw away something amazing that I never appreciated, even when I knew that I shouldn’t have. On top of that, I broke Quinn’s heart, making me the biggest villain of all. I felt like the world’s biggest heel, the biggest asshole to ever walk into Quinn’s life. It made me question everything about myself and how I had treated every woman I had ever been around. No wonder women were starting to not be interested in me at all; I was a self-absorbed asshole who couldn’t get his head dislodged from his own ass. In the meantime, I was breaking hearts, hurting people’s feelings, and crushing the one woman I had ever truly loved with everything in my soul. I was disgusted with myself and with my actions ever since my divorce was final from Sarah. I had turned into a man who I could no longer even recognize, and that was a terrible thing.
Still, as I sat there staring at my son, wondering what he would think of me as he grew older, I found hope. It was tucked away in the last place it could hide inside of me, and I thought about Quinn, and how I felt about her. Maybe, just maybe, if I threw myself at her feet, admitted to everything that I had been thinking all along, maybe I could get it all back. I knew the chances were slim, but I couldn’t spend the rest of my life wondering what if.
When we were done with breakfast, I paid the tab and smiled at Jake who was moping around, even after consuming copious amounts of sugar. We walked to the truck, and I buckled him into his seat and pushed the hair off his face. I loved that kid so much, and I felt like the worst man in the world for disappointing him.
“Look, Jake,” I said, with a sigh.
“Dad,” he said, putting his hand on mine. “Just tell her how much you love her. I know she loves you and she loves me. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have been so good to us. Just tell her how you feel.”
“It isn’t that simple all the time,” I said, surprised by his wisdom.
“No, it is that simple, you are the one making it difficult,” he said, the view of a child but the wisdom of an old man.
“You are right, son,” I said, kissing his cheek. “Thank you.”
After dropping Jake off with his mom, who didn’t say a single word to me again, I headed over to Quinn’s place, determined to at least let her know how I felt. I pulled up and parked on the street in front of her townhouse, looking up at the windows and seeing the lights on upstairs. I took a deep breath and remembered my son’s words, wanting desperately to do exactly as he told me. I looked down at the flower garden next to the door and scrunched my eyebrows, noticing that someone had dug the hell out of it. I climbed the stairs and rang the doorbell, standing and listening as I heard Quinn’s footsteps coming down the stairs. When she opened the door, her bloodshot eyes grew wide, and she looked terribly surprised to see me. I could understand, I made it kind of clear that we would go our separate ways, but that just wasn’t working. I took in a deep breath and cocked my head to the side, looking at her with sorrow.
“May I come in?”
She looked at me for several seconds trying to make a decision before nodding her head and moving to the side. She closed the front door and walked into the living room, with me trailing behind her. I had never been inside her place before, and it had the same comfort that she had brought to my own. She faced her fireplace, her back turned to me, but I wasn’t going to let her start, so I launched into what I wanted to say.
“Quinn,” I said. “I freaked out; that is the full truth of it. It wasn’t you, it wasn’t that I didn’t care, I just literally freaked out. Everything moved so fast, and I was completely thrown off balance when I realized that I was attached to you before you had even moved into the house. I was absolutely terrified of getting attached to anyone, so when it happened without me even realizing it, I completely panicked.”
She turned around and faced me, her eyes wet with tears. God, I hated the fact that I was hurting her, but I wanted her to know how much I really cared about her. Even if she didn’t forgive me, I couldn’t let her sit over here thinking that I played her and that I never cared.
“When we all got together, me, you, and Jake, it was completely natural,” I explained starting to pace. “Even when I was married to Sarah, and Jake had his mom and dad in one house together, we never felt like a family. When you stepped into our lives, it was like you were meant to be there, like you should have always been there with us. I loved every second of it, and it felt so real, even when I was telling myself that it wasn’t. I could try to lie to you, but there was no way I could continue to lie to myself, not with the feelings I had for you.”
“Luke,” she said, taking a deep breath and motioning for the couch. “Come sit down; it’s time I told you the secret that I have kept locked inside of me for so long. Several years ago, I was happily married, or at least I thought I was. We got pregnant, which was exactly what we wanted. Every day I felt so lucky to have this beautiful baby boy growing in my belly. It was the happiest I could ever remember being, before I met you and Jake. Two days before he was supposed to come, I stopped feeling him move. By the time I got to the hospital, he was gone, and I had to give birth to him, stillborn.”
“Oh my God, Quinn,” I said, putting my hand over my mouth.
“Brian couldn’t understand why it hurt me so badly, and about a month later, after I refused to start trying again, he left,” she explained. “When I was with you and Jake, I felt like I was part of a family that I had wanted my entire life. When we made the deal, I thought I would be a nanny, not a wife, but when I got into the situation, you really made me feel like I was your significant other. I got confused, not understanding how I could have misinterpreted a kiss, or even sex. I thought those things were outside the realm of our deal. It was the first time that I had been happy since before my son died, so I guess I clung to it.”
I sat back listening to Quinn talk, feeling absolutely devastated by the things she had been through over the last several years. She had lost her baby, and not at the be
ginning, not that the timing made much difference, but after carrying the baby for nine months. To add to the pain, her husband abandoned her, leaving her to fight for her own sanity among all the pain that the world was handing her. It made me instantly realize how much she went through just to reunite me and Jake. She had put herself in a situation that was extremely painful, recalling the worst memories of her life, just to make sure a son was reunited with his father. It was beyond anything I had ever witnessed from any other human being I had met. The selflessness of the situation was beyond comprehensible.
Quinn had stepped out of her comfort zone, pushed past her extreme pain and agony, and helped two people who she barely knew, out of the goodness of her heart. She had gone against the grain and put her feelings aside just to make sure that one little boy was safe, cared for, and in the best position possible. She had been so brave, and so strong, and in the end, all I did was throw it right back in her face. I couldn’t even start to imagine how painful that must have been for her, to watch a family that she loved, that she sacrificed silently for in the background, toss her out on her ass as soon as they had gotten what they wanted. I felt even more like a complete asshole than before.
“Quinn,” I said, leaning forward toward her. “I had no idea, that is completely and totally devastating. Please, listen to me and know that I mean this from the bottom of my heart: I am so sorry for the way I treated you. I didn’t deserve a woman like you in my life, and I had not only treated you terribly, to begin with, but I shoved all the sacrifices you made and all the pain you had been through right in your face. I was never worthy of the love you showed me, and I am forever grateful for the love you showed Jake. He misses you terribly, by the way. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?”
I sat there waiting, knowing whatever her answer was, it was going to change me forever.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Quinn
I sat there looking at Luke, wanting to be angry, wanting to lash out, but I just couldn’t. I was so tired of fighting that there just didn’t seem to be any point in it anymore. The truth of the matter was, he didn’t know everything I had been through, and I had pushed a relationship on him when he wasn’t interested.
“Of course, I can forgive you,” I said, letting out a sigh. “I care too much about you to carry any harsh feelings. I just hope that we can be friends.”
“Yes, well, we can’t,” he said, looking down at the ground.
My hands dropped to my sides, and my face fell, not knowing what the hell kind of game he was playing. Why would he come all of this way, say what he said, and then shove me out of his life again? I had opened up to him, I had told him my deepest, darkest secret, and now I was facing a man that just wanted to mess with me. What did he want? To see me completely lose it? To watch me fall so he was sure I could never tell anyone what we did? Instantly I felt angry, and I clenched my fists, ready to fight back. But then he said something, something that shocked me even more than telling me we couldn’t be friends. It was so big that it let me completely speechless.
“I want to be much more than friends,” he said, looking up at me with a smile.
My hands quickly unclenched but my mouth did not close. I felt like he was going to give me a stroke before the day was done.
“What? What do you mean?” I shook my head in disbelief. “I had been trying for so long and nothing. How did you come out of nowhere with this conclusion? I can’t take any more of your ups and downs, so you better be sure. You better be sure that whatever you say, you mean it.”
His eyes glimmered, and he chuckled softly, turning his body toward me. I looked longingly into his eyes, hoping beyond hope that he wasn’t messing with me, that he was telling the truth. He brought his hands up to my face and cupped my cheeks, looking me dead in the eyes before leaning in and kissing me gently on the lips. When he pulled away, he laughed at my still confused facial expression and kissed the tip of my nose.
“You silly girl,” he said, smiling and shaking his head. “Don’t you understand?”
“No,” I whispered, tears pulling at my eyes.
“I love you, Quinn,” he said laughing. “I love you more than any woman I have ever met. You are so very precious to me. When you came into my life, I immediately became terrified of losing my freedom, and I fought back against it. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I wasn’t fighting anyone but myself. Sarah destroyed my faith in women, and I had a really hard time believing that you were able to restore that faith in such a short time. I was fighting so hard against a long-term relationship and family, and I had no idea why. I fought for as long as I could, and believe me, it was agonizing, though I’m sure much worse from your perspective. I didn’t realize how much I actually loved you until you left. Literally, the moment you drove away, I felt like I was completely lost.”
“Why didn’t you come after me?”
“Because I was scared, and ashamed, I guess,” he said, sadly. “I knew I had hurt you terribly and that killed me inside. I was so afraid I would come over here, and you would refuse to listen to me. I had already lost you, and I had to be sure I was willing to step out on a limb and lose you again if that was what you chose. But it was my little man who set me straight, telling me I was making it all too difficult and that I just needed to tell you how I felt.”
“He’s a smart guy,” I laughed.
“He is, and he needs you,” he said, smiling. “But he isn’t the only one who needs you; I need you, too.”
I sat there looking deep into his eyes, listening to every word he said, feeling extremely overwhelmed. Not by choices or not knowing what to do: that wasn’t a question. I was overwhelmed by the fact that this man, and his amazing child, wanted me in their lives as a real and authentic family, no more fake wives club. I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes, tears falling down my cheeks. For the first time in a very long time, my tears weren’t those of sadness or grief, but those of pure happiness. I had what I thought was beyond my reach, after all, and I was finally happy, something I had wanted for so long but could never find. Luke had come to his senses, and I was shocked that he had mustered the courage to come there and tell me face to face. That act alone let me know he was telling the truth, God’s honest truth. I leaned forward and kissed him gently, pulling back and gazing into his eyes.
“I love you too, Luke,” I whispered. “Both of you.”
I scooted in close to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, feeling him pull me into a strong embrace. I could feel my body relax into the warmth of his arms, feeling safe and comforted for the first time in a very long while. He had finally let me know exactly how he felt, and it couldn’t have been more perfect. As we sat in a warm embrace, our bodies closely pressed together, I felt his lips start to move slowly down my neck. What had started as comfort quickly changed, and I was feeling a heat in my stomach I had never felt before. He pulled his head back and pressed his lips against mine, his tongue moving slowly into my mouth. I tilted my head and whimpered, instantly wanting to be ever closer to Luke. His hands slid up my arms and through my hair, the intensity between us growing stronger by the second.
He reached down and grabbed me around the waist, pulling me over into his lap. I wrapped my legs around his waist and pushed my lips firmly against his, wanting more and more of him as every second passed. To feel his mouth against mine, his breath mixing with my own, and our tongues dancing wildly against each other was amazing. What made it even better was that it was happening with no questions, no fears, and the certainty that I was his and he was mine. My mouth lightened against his and I turned my head slowly, running my lips across his cheek and over to his earlobe. I nibbled at his ear and breathed heavily, causing goosebumps to pop up all over his neck. I giggled at the effect I had on him, wanting to push him further so that I could feel his body wrapped around mine.
I pulled back and reached down, grabbing the edge of my shirt and pulling it up and over my head. He looked at my body a
nd smiled, my hands reaching behind my back and unclasping my bra. As I pulled the straps away, my breasts were released, bouncing up and down in front of him. He reached his hands around and cupped both breasts, massaging one with one hand, and leading the other into his mouth. I leaned back and moaned as his tongue flicked against my nipple, sending shooting pangs of electricity through my body. His mouth was warm and wet, and though I was enjoying it on my tits, I could think of much better places.
He pulled his head back and leaned forward again, pushing his mouth against mine. Slowly, I reached up and began to unbutton his shirt, one button at a time until it sat open, his smooth, tan skin glistening beneath. I pushed the shoulders of his shirt off and down his arms, waiting as she pulled his arms out of both sleeves. I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his collarbone, trailing my tongue up to his neck. I could feel his cock hardening beneath me, and I pressed my hips down, grinding lightly against it. He growled softly, lifting his hips to meet my gaze and listening to me as I leaned in and moaned softly in his ear. Instantly his hands moved up to my waist again, and he pushed me off of his lap, laying me down on the couch. He stood up and removed his pants and boxers, his huge cock bouncing with a newfound freedom.
I smiled and reached for his shaft, but he moved, smiling coyly at me as he hooked his fingers into the waistband of my pants and pulled them down my body, revealing nothing but my smooth wet pussy beneath. He tossed my pants to the side and ran his fingertips down my belly and across my bulging folds. I gasped feeling the edge of his ecstasy growing closer and closer as he spread my legs apart and moved in front of me. He lowered his head between my legs and spread my wet lips apart, running his tongue up through my juices. I moaned louder now, releasing my inhibitions and focusing on every inch of his tongue. He moved his mouth up to my clit and began to circle it, bearing down with his lips between every cycle and sucking hard. I reached up, screaming loudly as my body gave into his golden treasures.