Day Three Million Twenty-Three:
Bored bored bored, so caught up on palantir-watching today. Lovely place, Moria, used to vacation there. Pointy-hatted ex-bf seemed nervous; sent word to Bob to keep an eye out. I mean a look out. I mean… oh bugger.
Day Three Million Twenty-Four:
No word back from Bob. Suspect he is moping. Never could sort out his love life. Always whining and writing in his journal. Bloody sensitive demon types, no use at all.
Day Three Million Twenty-Five:
Pointy hatted ex fell into shadow. Down with the competition! Ringbearer moping. Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn might like to have a go at cheering him up. Apparently something of a pervy hobbit-fancier. So that’s why the blood of Numenor died out.
Day Three Million Twenty-Six:
Fellowship in Lothlorien. Oh god, Galadriel Galadriel Galadriel. It's always about HER. Paint my toenails, Sauron. Don't touch my hair, Sauron. I want a pretty ring, Sauron. Then she goes off with slabbish oaf Celeborn. Bet HE cannot forge twenty rings of Power.
Suspect bitch-slap fight brewing between Galadriel and Legolas as to which of them can nance around better while holding water pitcher. Cannot help but roll my eye over this. Time to toss some Jiffy Pop into Mount Doom and watch the fireworks.
later
Well, would you look at that dwarf getting it on with Celeborn. I tell you, three Million years on Middle-Earth and some things still surprise me.
Day Three Million Twenty-Nine:
Finally some decent fighting. Orcs killed: four hundred, v. bad. Humans killed: one. Go Uruk-Hai!
Is it just me, or is Aragorn son of Arathorn kinda gay?
Maybe is just me.
The Very Secret Diary of Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Part Two
Day One
Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken. Still not King.
Stubble update: satisfactory.
Day Two
Ran into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were King.
Day Three
Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin.'
Day Four
Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR whore. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat trick.
Day Six
In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?"
Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.
In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas.
Day Seven
Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.
Day Nine
Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.
Stubble update: wet.
Day Twelve
Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.
Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.
Day Fourteen
Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.
Day Fourteen, Later
Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree — it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave.
Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.
Day Fifteen
Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:
Dear Aragorn,
Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v. bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses,
Faramir.
God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Still not King.
The Very Secret Diary of Theoden
By Cassandra Claire. Co-written with lorax523, who is, as always, in inspiration to me in all things.
Day One
Desperately in need of new personal assistant. Have contacted Ninety Minute Minion Services in Isengard. Seems best bet as if minion does not arrive in ninety minutes you get free Orc. Do not actually know what would do with Orc if had one, so do hope minion arrives on time.
Day Two
New minion arrived. Not best looking bloke I've ever clapped eyes on, but then again, not everyone can be brainless pretty boy with big show-off ponytail like Eomer. Little does Eomer know Wormtongue has promised me new makeover with Saruman's personal line of beauty products. Has promised me I will look fresh and youthful.
Day Three
Is that a grey hair?
Day Four
New makeover gone horribly awry. Do not look fresh and youthful, instead resemble albino dwarf after two years pickling in the Dead Marshes.
Suspect Wormtongue has crush on Eowyn. Cannot blame him as Eowyn quite smoking. Don't know where she gets off being so high and mighty. Have told her — pose for Shield Maidens Gone Wild you must expect some male attention.
Day Six
Why has no one noticed I now resemble a weevil? Not has Eomer commented on my new mascara. Eomer so spoiled. "I want a party. I want a pony." Have banished him from Rohan for whining.
Day Seven
Have reversed opinion on makeover. Am now quite taken with new look, as is so alarming no one bothers me. Can sit on throne all day in peace. Much needed vacation. Citizens of Edoras so tiresome and unhygenic.
Day Eight
Vacation over. Gandalf arrived sporting alarming new makeover of his own. Gandalf no fun. Cannot abide anyone else having new and daring look. Prima Donna!
Brought along three boy toys of varying sizes. My squadron of hand picked bodyguards totally whupped by tiny hairy newt, pretty boy elf and unshaven tramp. Obviously, need better screening process.
Day Ten
Attacked by Orcs. Aragorn "No Skillz 2 Pay Da Billz" Son of Arathorn fell over cliff, thus avoiding sticking around for battle. So much for Hero King of Men.
Day Eleven
Have arrived at Helms Deep. Time for a nice long nap.
Day Eleven, Later
Nap disturbed by return of Aragorn, who is not so dead after all. Apparently, absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Morale of men not improved by Aragorn's craven attempts to sneak away through side door. Have misdirected him to wine cellar three times now. If I am not getting away from this,
neither is he. Is all his fault anyway.
Am not sure how, but it is.
Day Thirteen
Where is the horse and the rider? No, seriously, where are they? That was my favorite horse.
Day Thirteen, Later
Losing battle spectacularly. Who is surprised? Not me.
Day Sixteen
Heroic self-sacrificing death scene ruined by arrival of Gandalf and still-insufferable Eomer. Why did Gandalf wait until dawn to arrive? Suspect is so he would be most attractively backlit while riding down hill. Drama Queen. Have gotten revenge on him by telling all my men Gandalf is wearing fishnets under white robe. First one who snaps his garter gets to snog Legolas.
Who wields the flame of Arnor now, you poncy tosser?
The Very Secret Diary of Legolas
This seems ill-advised. And yet, I am compelled. So here you go:
Day One:
Whee!
Day Two:
I like to run!
Day Three:
I look good when I run!
Day Four:
I also look good standing still. Running across Riddermark v. good excercise. I swear my butt has just gotten firmer. Is that even possible?
Day Six:
Is Gimli staring at my butt?
Day Seven:
No wonder he's always lagging behind.
Day Eight:
Unnerving moment when bumped into Eomer. Thought he might be prettier than me until he took off helmet. Fortunately he looks like an aardvark. He hit on Gimli but I warned him right off. Nobody tries it on with my dwarf.
Am still the prettiest.
Day Nine:
Pile of dead and smoking Orc corpses so not pretty. Aragorn showed off and went on and on regarding hobbits laying about tied up. Do not know why he thinks kinky hobbit games so important.
Still prettiest.
Day Ten:
Bother! Fangorn Forest. Leaf mold terrible for my complexion.
Still prettiest but a bit on clammy, unwashed side.
Day Eleven:
Bumped into Gandalf who is all sparkly white now. Asked him, "Who do you have to blow to get last bottle of bleach in Middle Earth anyway?" Gandalf said, "The Balrog." So not worth it.
Am rethinking, though. Roots are showing.
Still prettiest although at this rate for how long?
Day Twelve:
Asked Gandalf for Balrog's number. Gandalf said I couldn't call him. I told him not to be jealous and posessive. He said he wasn't, it was just that he killed Balrog last week.
Note to self: never date Gandalf.
Day Fifteen:
Arrived in Edoras. V. upset. Suspect Eowyn may be prettier than me. Most unexpected as always thought shield-maidens were more hefty, pear-shaped types.
Not the prettiest! V. bitter.
Day Nineteen:
Aragorn stood up to Theoden today. Aragorn so butch. Have goosebumps.
Day Twenty:
Poke bonnet absolutely hideous. No longer even remotely pretty. Considering suicide.
Day Twenty-seven:
Exeunt Aragorn, pursued by wolves of Isengard. On con side: Am stuck with ugly necklace. On pro side: No longer have to wear poke bonnet. Am pretty again!
Day Twenty-nine:
Aragorn back. Apparently taking header off cliff not as deadly as one would have thought. Told him to throw me down and shag me senseless, but he just clapped me on the shoulder in a manly fashion and said, "Yeah, it can get a little chapped sometimes but just put some lotion on it."
Aragorn just kind of a wanker, really.
Day Twenty-Nine:
Battle of Helm's Deep so embarassing. If was not bad enough to face thought of death at the hands of smelly Orcs in backwater rural province, have now been saved at zero hour by Haldir showing up with really bad weave.
On plus side, Eowyn stuck in rancid cave. Perhaps will develop cave blight. Then I will be prettiest forever.
Day Thirty:
Battle over. Gandalf always fashionably late it seems. Hopes for after-battle quickie dashed because Aragorn sulking over postcard from Faramir. Is jealous over Ringbearer. Told him Sam will kill Faramir if he tries anything but Aragorn not cheered up.
Sod him. Have received suggestive note from Eomer. Will go see if what they say about men of Riddermark is actually true.
No one has bothered to get Eowyn out of cave yet. Still the prettiest by far!
FB2 document info
Document ID: 63edec32-4a4a-4b52-b5f1-82c06121c881
Document version: 1
Document creation date: 27 December 2011
Created using: FictionBook Editor 2.4 software
Document authors :
Isais
Source URLs :
http://cassieclaire.livejournal.com/
Document history:
1.0 — создание файла, скрипты — Isais.
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The Very Secret Diaries of the Fellowship Page 4