by Carl Weber
Tossing my clothes onto my extra-high bed, I stood naked in the middle of the floor.
Don’t do it.
There was that haunting voice in my head. Would I ever be my old self again? Happy. Loving. Innocent. My innocence was taken away by Darius, but Jay had certainly made me feel more than lovely. Jay made me feel special.
Don’t do it.
Desperately I wanted to call Darius and curse his ass out for having told me, “Maybe if you would’ve loved yourself more and me less we wouldn’t have to have this conversation.” He always had a way of making me feel our problems were my fault. Picking up my cell, I speed-dialed my dad.
Sleepily, he answered, “Hey, sweetheart, where are you? How come you haven’t returned my calls?”
“I’m home, Daddy. I’m safe. Go back to bed, I’ll call you after my appointment.”
“That’s right. I’ll be over early to take you.”
“I don’t want you babysitting me. I’ll be gone before you get here. Let yourself in. Love you, good night.”
Actually it was already morning. The sunrays peeped through the skylight over my Jacuzzi. As I eased into the lukewarm water, fond thoughts of Jay brought a smile to my face. Where was I going to take him? I’d barely spent much time around Dallas since I’d relocated from Los Angeles about a year ago. I’d think of something, but for now I had to focus on my psychiatric appointment in a few hours. In addition to my losing custody of my son, my court-ordered sessions with the shrink were the real reason I had to return home.
Damn social worker deemed me an unfit mother. I’ll show her. “I’ll show her,” I said aloud the second time as tears streamed down my face.
I wiped my eyes with wet palms covering my cheeks. Sliding under the water, I stayed there until I could no longer hold my breath. How was my baby doing? I wanted to touch him, hold him, smell him, change his diaper, rock him in my arms. Little Darius was barely eight months old.
“Fuck!” I screamed, stepping out of the tub. “Why did his father have to win custody?” My baby was the only person who loved me unconditionally. Now he was growing up with him. With them.
I wouldn’t hear his first words. Wouldn’t see him take his first steps. Worst of all, he’d lie at another woman’s breasts calling her mommy, not me.
My three-bedroom house was too quiet. Picking up my phone, I dialed the number 1 then pressed 0 but couldn’t hit the TALK button.
Put down the phone, Ashlee. He doesn’t need to hear your problems. But I needed to hear his soothing voice, so I tapped the green button.
“Hey,” Jay answered on the first ring, “I see you’re missing me too.”
I tried to calm my voice, but it trembled as I said, “You have no idea how much I,” choking out the next two words, “miss you.”
“Ash, what’s wrong?” Jay asked.
I heard the smile in his voice instantly shift to concern. “I’ll be okay. Jay, can you please come a day earlier? I need my rescuer.”
Without hesitation, Jay replied, “You don’t have to ask twice. I’ll be on the next thing smoking Friday morning.”
“Thanks. Good morning,” I said, watching the sun light up my bedroom. “E-mail me a copy of your itinerary.”
“No problem.” There was silence for a second and I was about to speak when Jay cut me off.
“Um, Ashlee…I don’t now how to say this but I think I’m…” he stopped himself.
“You’re what, Jay?”
“Nothing. I was just thinking out loud.”
“So if it’s nothing, then tell me what it was.”
“Like I said, it was nothing. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
“Okay, baby. Bye.”
“Bye, hon.”
Amazingly within a few minutes, Jay had lifted my spirits. And I think he was about to say those magic words. I think he was about to tell me he loved me. Hanging up the phone, I cradled myself into the fetal position thinking every woman wasn’t born for motherhood. How could anyone believe that being a single parent was instinctive behavior? If I had more support, I wouldn’t have done stupid things like leaving my son in the car overnight chasing behind Darius, or leaving my baby alone in a running car to go back inside to get medication that I was mentally addicted to, or covering his tiny face with a blanket to drown out his incessant crying. Perhaps I should leave well enough alone, skip my appointment, grant Darius full legal and physical custody permanently, and start over with Jay.
With Jay by my side, I could find the strength to fight my battle. Any battle. Dozing off, I mumbled, “I love you, Jay Crawford.”
“Get up,” a voice whispered in my ear.
Resisting, I pulled the pink comforter over my head.
“Ashlee, get up, now. You have to go to your appointment.”
Lowering the spread below my chin, I said, “Daddy, I thought I asked you not to come.”
“That’s exactly why I’m here. Now get dressed so we can go.”
Quietly I brushed my damp hair into a ponytail, eased into a pair of blue jeans, sneakers, and a formfitting T-shirt while my dad waited in the living room.
Not looking up from the paper, he said, “Go change into something casual but dressy.”
There was no need to argue with an attorney. Obviously this court-appointed degree-holding psychic would judge me on some level by my appearance. Changing into a pair of brown slacks, a mocha-striped button-up shirt, and mocha medium-heel shoes, I awaited his approval.
Placing the paper on the coffee table, he stood, opened his arms, and said, “Come here.”
Our words were exchanged through a long embrace. “I’m worried about you, sweetheart.”
“Don’t be,” I said, knowing that I was worried about me too. “I’ll be fine. I met a wonderful man in D.C. and I want you to meet him too.”
En route to my appointment, Dad tried to sound happy for me. “That’s great. Another man, huh? Tell me about him.”
“He makes me feel good. I like him a lot. A whole lot. He’ll be here this weekend.”
“Well, any man that excites my little girl that much, I can’t wait to meet.” Daddy’s words were exactly what I needed to hear, but the look he gave me was all skepticism.
CHAPTER 9
Jay
I parked my BMW in long-term parking at Reagan National Airport. Happy as shit that within hours I’d be in Dallas making love to Ashlee. Even though we spoke every night until two, at three o’clock in the morning I still missed her more and more each day. I’d had it bad for some women in the past, but only one had ever had my nose wider opened than Ashlee had mine now. Yeah, I really had it bad, but I think she had it pretty bad for me too, especially after the call we had earlier in the week. Her tone was sad, almost as if she needed me to be there, right then and there. When she asked that I fly to Dallas a day early, I could sense something wasn’t right with her. Ashlee had left my house with a sense of urgency to get back home, but once she was there, her calls sounded as if home was the last place she wanted to be. Then again maybe she was just missing the hell out of me. I shook my daydream, then got back in line for screening.
My gate wasn’t far once I got out of the screening line, so I didn’t have to rush. When I arrived I took a seat in the waiting area at my gate. Of course my thoughts were still focused on Ashlee, that is, until my phone rang. Glancing down at the caller ID, I smiled at the name that came up. It was Kyle, one of my three best friends of over thirty years.
I quickly connected the call with a grin. “What’s up, dawg?”
“You got it,” Kyle replied in his very New York accent. “Me and Wil are headed down to D.C. this weekend and we’re staying at your place so don’t make any plans.”
I sighed my disappointment. “No can do, chief. I’m at the airport on my way to Dallas as we speak. My flight leaves in about thirty-five minutes.”
“Dallas? What you going down there for? It’s not like the Cowboys are playing at home this week. They’re playing in D.C, aren’t t
hey?” Everyone close to me knew I was a fanatic about the Dallas Cowboys. It cost me almost three hundred dollars a month to get the NFL package on cable just so I could see all their games.
“Look, man, I’m sorry but I’m gonna have to catch the game on TV down there. You’re not gonna believe this but I think I’ve found the one.”
“Jeeeezus, where have I heard that before?” His voice was starting to sound a little agitated and condescending. “Look, Jay, you don’t wanna get on that plane, trust me.”
“Kyle, you have no idea what I have waiting for me in Dallas. No way I’m missing this plane. Unless you know for a fact it’s falling out of the sky.”
“No, I can’t tell you that, but we did get you a skybox for the Redskins, Cowboys game this weekend in D.C.” A shot of adrenaline shot through my body. I’d actually tried to go online and buy two tickets to this game when I moved to D.C., but I just couldn’t justify paying more to see a regular season football game than I pay for my rent and car note combined. Trying to get a ticket to a Redskins game in D.C. at regular price was like trying to hit the lottery, damn near impossible.
“You serious?”
“Serious as a heart attack, bro. I know it’s a few months early, but happy birthday, Jay.”
“How’d you guys get tickets?”
“Not tickets my friend, a skybox. Complete with liquor, food, and the best seats in the house.” I was getting excited just listening to him. “So whoever she is that you’re going to meet in Dallas, you better tell her you’ll see her next weekend ’cause Wil had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen.”
I didn’t know what to say. I was torn.
“Jay, you still there, buddy?”
“Yeah, I’m still here. But I can’t go to the game, man. You guys enjoy yourselves and stay at my apartment, aw’ight? Al’s got a key to my place.”
There was silence for about three seconds, and then out of nowhere Kyle exploded. “Jay, what the hell’s going on? Are you in some kinda trouble?”
“No. I’m not in trouble,” I quickly replied.
“So you mean to tell me that you’re going to miss a chance at going to a Cowboys, Redskins game just to visit some skirt? The same football team you changed your wedding date for because they were playing that Saturday instead of Sunday?”
“You don’t understand.”
“Well, you’ve got thirty minutes before you get on your plane. Make me understand.”
“All I can say is I found her, Kyle. I finally found the woman I’m going to spend the rest of my life with and if I miss a football game, well then, so be it.”
“Well then, I’m happy for you, bro. I know how bad you wanted to find Tracy.”
“It’s not Tracy.”
“What do you mean it’s not Tracy? I thought the entire reason you moved down to D.C. was that you needed to find your one true love, Tracy.” Kyle’s tone was now sarcastic. “I knew that Romeo and Juliet shit you tried to sell me on about Tracy was a load of crap.”
“It wasn’t crap, Kyle. I do love Tracy. I just couldn’t find her and met somebody else.”
“Jay, you’re always meeting somebody else.”
“Dawg, you don’t understand, man. I done left my player ways behind me. I’m falling in love with this girl Ashlee.”
“Make the right choice, dawg. We doing the skybox up big. Hit me later. Peace.” Kyle hung up after I didn’t say anything.
He’d been against my moving to D.C. and leaving my two daughters behind in New York from the start. I sat back down and dialed Ashlee’s number.
“Hey there, sexy,” I said just after she answered.
You know, I wasn’t even thinking when I said those things to Kyle, but now that I thought about them I really meant them. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t ready to get married or anything, but I wanted her to know that I cared and that this wasn’t just a fling, that it had real possibilities. Truth is, I could see myself settling down with Ashlee. Hell, I’d even researched Dallas apartments and government job postings on the Net.
“Hey, handsome,” she responded.
I could almost see her smile. Guilt hit me hard and I remembered something my old man once said. When a woman becomes more important than your friends, then you better marry her because she’s your only true friend. Love was starting to hit me. “You on the plane yet?”
“No, but…”
“But what?”
I tried to get the words out but I couldn’t do it. I could not tell her I wasn’t coming to Dallas. Kyle was going to kill me, but I was just going to have to be dead because, once-in-a-lifetime experience or not, I was not going to hurt my Ashlee in any way.
“Baby, I’ll be boarding my plane in about half an hour. You’ve been on my mind, and I couldn’t resist hearing your voice before I got on the plane.”
“You always know the right things to say, Jay. I’m glad you called. I’ve been thinking about us and what we’ll do when you get here.”
“You sound like that’s a hard decision to make or something,” I teased.
“No. I’m just not accustomed to going out here. I’ve been in Dallas for a year, but I never go out. I’m not familiar with the popular places to go.”
“Sweetie, just let me sweat the small things. I’ve heard of a couple of nice places, but if we don’t leave your house my entire visit, that’s fine too. I just want to be with you again, Ashlee.”
“Aw, that’s sweet.”
I could almost see her pretty smile behind her words. “That’s only the half of it. I can’t begin to tell you how much I’ve been missing you.”
“You wanna try?” she asked.
“Well, first, let me ask you a question.”
“Okay.”
“Do you believe a man can love a woman even though he’s spent more time on the phone with her than in person?”
“Yes. I believe it’s possible, but I also believe a man could be in lust at such an early stage of a relationship.”
“Okay, but what if sex is no object for him? If he’s good-looking, drives a BMW, and has a nice-paying job, he wouldn’t have too many problems satisfying his lustful ways, right? Or, do you not agree?”
“I agree. So, what are you saying?”
“Ashlee, I’m saying what I feel for you is much more than lust. I fell out of lust the day you went out with me. On our first date, I learned there’s more beneath the sexy frame I saw at Zanzibar.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah. Do you remember what I said to you on the paddleboat?”
“We did a lot of talking that night, Jay. And you said a lot of things I’ll always remember. “
“Well then, maybe you remember me telling you that I could love you. Do you remember that?”
“How could I forget? I thought it was one of the worst lines I’d ever heard.”
“Yeah, well, it may have been a line then, but…well, Ashlee.”
“Yes, Jay?”
“I, I, I love you,” I finally spit it out as I waited, hoping, no, praying that I hadn’t run her completely off.
“Wow…I don’t know what to say,” she replied.
There was silence on the line. Although she went silent, I swear I could hear a smile coming through the phone. I had no idea why I just said that, other than the fact that I’d probably just lost my mind, but I was glad I did. We just kind of held the phone, listening to each other breathe. I wondered if she could sense my smile coming through the phone or my heart slamming up against my chest like a mallet. I got butterflies when I heard the airline attendant announce that it was time for first class passengers to board.
“Ashlee, sweetie, I have to go. It’s time for me to board the plane.”
“All right. You get to me safely, Jay.”
Uh-oh, she hadn’t said it back. “Well, I’ll certainly do my best.”
“And, Jay.”
“Yes.”
“I love you too,” she said just before hanging up the phone.
The butterflies in my stomach went wild and I knew I’d made the right decision.
CHAPTER 10
Ashlee
Pacing back and forth in Dallas/Ft. Worth’s baggage claim area, I anxiously stared through the glass window at hundreds of faces exiting the plane. No, that’s not him, I thought, continuously scanning. I exhaled, “That’s not him either.” Momentarily, I stepped away from the mass exodus to double-check the monitor. Jay’s flight had arrived from Washington, D.C., fifteen minutes ago. “Shouldn’t take him that long to get to me.”
Impatiently, I moved closer to the glass wall, peering at the travelers on the other side exiting the arriving flight at gate A25, and waited. Butterflies fluttered inside my stomach. I was too excited to keep still, so I paced in front of the revolving door, periodically standing sideways to let everyone go by. “Where is he?” Opening my cell phone, I retrieved my incoming calls, scrolled down once, then dialed Jay’s number.
Glancing at my caller ID, I saw that fifteen seconds had gone by without any answer, so I spoke into my headset, “Hello?”
“Hey, beautiful,” a seductive voice replied from behind me as a chocolate arm wrapped around my waist. “Can I take you home?”
Swiftly, I turned, dropping my phone into my purse. Jumping into Jay’s arms, I smiled from the inside out, hugging his neck tight. “Jay, baby,” was all I could say before he smothered my lips with kisses.
“Mmm, Ashlee, you just don’t know…um, um…how much I missed you, girl.”
Tears swelled, clouding my eyes until I blinked them onto my cheeks. “I’m messing up my mascara. I spent all day getting pretty for you, and now I’m making a mess of myself.” Jay didn’t know how good I felt with his arms around me. Shedding tears of joy, I wanted him to hold me forever and never let go, but I backed up to avoid getting makeup all over what might be his second favorite shirt.
“Don’t you dare back away from me, woman,” Jay commanded teasingly, pulling me closer to his chest.
“I don’t want to mess up your shirt, baby.”
“Forget this shirt. You don’t know how much I’ve missed you.” Jay’s lips dried my tears, then smothered me with more kisses until my lipstick became his. I stepped back, this time to admire my man from head to toe: Almond-colored slacks, chestnut shoes, and a button-down long-sleeved shirt. A brown jacket was thrown over his forearm. For the first time, I noticed his black duffel bag lying beside his feet.