Pick Your Poison

by Lauren Child

  ‘Quent will be there.’

  ‘They’re torturing me,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Well, for what it’s worth,’ said Mrs Digby, ‘I think you did the right thing. And even if Bubbles is the devil’s own dog, she deserves an owner better than Mr Parker. If you hadn’t done what you did, Bubbles would be dead and buried, and you would be sitting here feeling worse than wretched.’ Mrs Digby looked Ruby square in the eye and said, ‘Be true to yourself, Ruby Redfort, and it will steer you right.’

  When Ruby arrived at the restaurant, she found her mother sitting waiting for her, a bowl of fat green olives on the table and another dish already a quarter full with olive stones. Not a good sign: her mother only ate fast when she was angry.

  ‘Where is everyone?’ said Ruby, wishing they would appear.

  ‘I wanted time alone with you,’ said Sabina Redfort, popping an olive into her mouth. ‘We need to straighten a few things out, young lady.’

  ‘Mom, you sound like Knuckles Lonagon from Crazy Cops.’

  ‘It’s all around town,’ said her mother.

  ‘Are we talking about what I think we are talking about?’

  ‘You have something else to confess?’

  ‘Not right now,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Well, no matter, I’m sure Mr Chester will pick up the phone if there is.’

  ‘Mr Chester must lead a very dull life,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Yes, he does,’ said her mother, depositing the stone in the dish. ‘We should pity him for having nothing more interesting to talk about than you but, before we do, let’s pity the long-suffering mother who is raising a daughter who thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to jump into a trash can.’

  ‘It wasn’t planned,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Well, that is a relief,’ said Sabina. ‘I really would be depressed to discover you had planned to start your day by jumping in garbage.’ She reached for another olive. ‘Boy are these olives good.’

  ‘Pugliese,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Pardon?’ said Sabina.

  ‘They’re Pugliese – from Puglia in the south of Italy, firm to the bite, creamy texture, not in the least bitter – in my opinion they’re the best kind.’

  ‘When did you learn so much about olives?’ said her mother.

  Ruby shrugged. ‘Just picked it up, I guess.’

  ‘Well, getting back to the point …’ said Sabina.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said Ruby. ‘If it helps then I should say that I have no desire to do it again.’

  ‘It helps a little,’ said Sabina.

  ‘Can we please go back to pitying Mr Chester for leading such a futile life?’

  ‘No,’ said her mother, ‘I haven’t finished being mad at you.’

  ‘Is there something I can do to make it up to you?’

  ‘Yes, you can rinse out our garbage cans and clean up the trash that is blowing around in front of our house, starting tomorrow.’

  Ruby rolled her eyes. ‘Now you’re encouraging me to engage with garbage, make your mind up.’

  The restaurant door opened and Sabina started waving like crazy at Freddie and Marjorie Humbert.

  ‘Over here!’ she called.

  ‘Ruby!’ shouted Quent. He had a large Band-Aid wrapped over the lobe of his ear. ‘I got bitten on the ear by my gerbil, do you want to see the wound?’

  ‘That just happened? I mean, you were at my house about an hour ago,’ said Ruby.

  ‘I know!’ beamed Quent. ‘Unlucky, huh? It’s really oozing.’

  Ruby looked around the restaurant; it felt like everyone was looking.

  ‘Keep your voice down Quent or they’ll all want a peek.’

  Everyone settled into their seats and chit-chatted for a bit. Ruby attempted to dissuade Quent from revealing his gerbil bite (unsuccessful), the waiter came over, orders were taken, the main course was eaten and things were going pretty smoothly, if a little dully, until Quent piped up.

  ‘So Ruby rescued a dog.’

  Ruby kicked Quent under the table.

  ‘You rescued a dog?’ said Brant.

  ‘Not really,’ said Ruby.

  ‘She did!’ said Quent. ‘My gerbil’s vet told me.’

  ‘I thought it was you that got bitten?’ said Sabina, looking confused.

  ‘Boy, word really does get around,’ said Ruby.

  ‘It was being attacked by snakes,’ said Quent.

  ‘The gerbil or the dog?’ said Marjorie.

  ‘The dog,’ said Quent, ‘it was bitten by snakes.’

  ‘Snakes where?’ said Sabina.

  ‘Under the house,’ said Quent.

  ‘Whose house?’ said Freddie.

  ‘Mr Parker’s,’ said Quent. ‘But Ruby saw it and called for help.’

  ‘What were you doing looking under Mr Parker’s house?’ said Brant.

  ‘I wasn’t. Look, if you must know, I was just retrieving my comic which had blown into Mr Parker’s yard and then I heard a dog whimper, saw some snakes, called the vet and the emergency services, end of story,’ said Ruby picking up her menu. ‘Does anyone feel like dessert?’

  ‘Mr Parker must have been quite relieved,’ said Marjorie.

  ‘He was furious,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Why?’ asked Freddie.

  ‘He doesn’t like people trespassing,’ explained Brant.

  ‘What, a kid can’t occasionally kick a ball into his yard without the cops being called?’ said Freddie. ‘What kind of person is he?’

  ‘A grouch,’ said Sabina.

  ‘I quite agree,’ said Brant, agreeing. ‘I mean, why shouldn’t a kid occasionally drop something in another person’s yard and need to retrieve it?’

  ‘And if Ruby hadn’t been so careless then the man’s dog would be dead as a doormat,’ said Sabina.

  ‘Dormouse,’ said Marjorie.

  ‘Dodo,’ said Ruby.

  ‘She’s a hero of dogs,’ said Quent.

  ‘You got that right,’ said Sabina. She raised her glass. ‘Congratulations on saving the life of that awful dog,’ she toasted.

  ‘That poor unfortunate awful dog,’ said Brant, chinking glasses.

  And just like that, Sabina Redfort stopped being mad about the dumpster incident and was beaming with pride about her dog-saving daughter.

  The unpleasant clank of

  the wake-up alarm sounded

  in the penitentiary …

  … and the prisoners waited to file out of their cells. The usual count began, but this time the numbers did not add up right.

  ‘Marshall? Where in all curses is Marshall?’

  There was no reply, just the drip drip sound from the prison-cell faucet.

  ‘Toss the cells!’ bellowed the guard. ‘Check every darn crevice of this facility!’

  Thirty minutes later and all that was recovered was the prison-issue uniform of prisoner 2185.

  Five hours later and a tunnel was discovered, beginning to the left of the sink and winding its way through the inside of the building’s walls where all the pipes converged, and exiting …

  … 500 yards beyond the prison fence.

  IT WAS ONLY WHEN RUBY TOOK THE STAIRS DOWN TO BREAKFAST THE NEXT MORNING that she realised that although her parents were happy to let the matter drop, Mr Parker was not.

  ‘I want to know what you are going to do about your daughter?’ she heard him demand from the front stoop.

  ‘What do you mean? She saved your dog, didn’t she?’ her mother replied, her tone indicating that she was trying to reason with a most unreasonable man.

  ‘She did no such thing. She trespassed on my land is what she did.’

  ‘And discovered a whole bunch of snakes,’ argued her mother.

  ‘Which she had no business discovering,’ countered Mr Parker.

  ‘But if she hadn’t then Bubbles would be dead, poisoned to death at the hands of one of those vipers.’

  ‘Who’s to say what would have happened? Maybe I would have found Bubbles and saved myself a vet bill too.�
��

  ‘Look Mr Parker, we are very happy to cover all expenses,’ said Sabina, trying to calm things down.

  ‘That isn’t the point.’

  ‘Mr Parker, you are one contrary man,’ announced Mrs Redfort.

  ‘Now you are sounding like that daughter of yours, I’m sure she gets her foul mouth from somewhere.’

  ‘Well, I beg you pardon Mr Parker!’ cried Sabina. ‘I do not have a foul mouth and I only ever curse when I feel there is no alternative which happens to be just about n—’

  Brant Redfort arrived on the scene.

  Brant: ‘Now Mr Parker, my wife is only trying to point out that my daughter’s actions were well meant. I’m happy to pick up the vet bill if you are happy to let the matter drop.’

  ‘What?’ spluttered Mr Parker. ‘After what your daughter said to me?’

  Brant Redfort swallowed nervously. ‘I’m sure Ruby wasn’t intending to offend.’

  Mr Parker: ‘Well if she wasn’t intending to offend then why did she call me a small-minded jackass who could stick his petty principles where the sun don’t shine?’

  Oh dear, thought Ruby, well at least he stopped there. But unfortunately for Ruby, Mr Parker hadn’t stopped there, he went on to repeat word for word all the other stuff Ruby had enjoyed telling Mr Parker and, as much as Ruby knew her father loathed Mr Parker, she also knew just how much her father loathed any kind of rudeness. Don’t sink to the level of bottom feeders or you yourself will become a bottom feeder, was something Brant Redfort regularly trotted out.

  Ruby waited until the front door had been closed before coming down to the kitchen.

  Her father looked up when she entered the room.

  ‘I’m guessing you’re aware that Mr Parker just paid us a visit.’

  ‘Oh is that who it was,’ said Ruby. ‘Did he have anything nice to say?’

  ‘When does that man ever have anything nice to say?’ said her mother.

  ‘I understand this fellow could make a saint swear, Ruby, but I would hope you were above that,’ said Brant.

  ‘Well, sorry, I’m no better than a saint,’ said Ruby.

  ‘I’m afraid I’m going to have to ground you,’ said her father. Ruby’s parents rarely, if ever, grounded her. They looked most uncomfortable about it too, it just wasn’t their style – she could see how embarrassing they found it and that made it worse somehow.

  ‘Do what you gotta do,’ said Ruby, who had never been successfully grounded her entire life, though of course her parents didn’t know this. ‘I better go ring Red, tell her I won’t be meeting up to plan the Halloween costumes.’

  ‘Well …’ began Sabina, ‘maybe we could make an exception for that. We could ground you afterwards, that way you wouldn’t miss out.’

  Brant raised his eyes to heaven. ‘The whole point, honey, is that she does miss out, otherwise why ground her?’

  ‘I don’t know, Brant, it just seems a bit harsh.’

  ‘Look,’ said Ruby, ‘don’t let’s go getting our underwear in a bunch. Dad’s right, I’ll miss the meet up, that way everyone will feel I’m suffering – I’ll suffer, my friends will suffer, you’ll suffer …’

  ‘Wait a minute, how will we suffer?’ said Sabina.

  ‘You’ll have me cluttering up the place. We’ll all suffer together for what I said to Mr Parker even if he in fact deserved it,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Well, we know he deserved it,’ said her mother.

  ‘That’s not helpful honey,’ said Brant.

  ‘It’s fine, I’ll do my time,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Oh, thanks Rube, that’s very good of you,’ said Sabina.

  ‘Don’t mention it,’ said Ruby, ‘so are the Explorer Awards off too?’

  Her parents looked troubled. ‘No, of course you mustn’t miss the Explorer event,’ said Sabina.

  Her father said nothing for a minute and then, ‘Look, since you are being such a sport about all this, why don’t we all agree to skip this whole grounding thing this time,’ he said. ‘I mean, I think we are all on the same page here, don’t you?’

  ‘Don’t swear at the neighbours. Got it,’ said Ruby.

  Clancy was looking pretty happy when Ruby got to school that morning. He was standing by her locker waiting for her.

  ‘What’s making you all at one with the world?’ she asked.

  ‘I figured how I’m going to tackle my behavioural science project,’ said Clancy. Clancy was pleased because he often agonised about these things. When everyone else seemed to have come up with their brilliant idea he was still sitting there chewing his pencil. ‘It’s good, really good, but I’m going to need a state-of-the-art video camera.’

  ‘What?’ said Ruby.

  ‘I wondered if you could maybe borrow one from the Spectrum gadget room?’

  ‘What?’ said Ruby.

  ‘A tiny little video camera, nothing too big,’ he explained.

  ‘Are you aware of the magnitude of your request?’ asked Ruby.

  ‘I know it’s a biggy,’ said Clancy. ‘I’d owe you one.’

  ‘You’d owe me plenty,’ said Ruby, ‘so you might as well forget about it.’

  Mouse and Elliot arrived on the scene.

  ‘So,’ said Mouse, ‘I heard you had a brilliant idea.’

  ‘Did I not tell you?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘No,’ said Elliot, ‘I guess Mouse is the only living breathing person you forgot to inform.’

  ‘Well,’ said Clancy, ‘you know how Principal Levine was saying how the lockers might be moved to another part of the building because there was no need for them to be in the main corridor?’

  ‘Uh huh.’

  ‘Well, I’m going to put up a hidden camera and film student activity in the corridor.’

  ‘A hidden camera? Where are you gonna get one of those?’ asked Mouse.

  ‘Oh somewhere,’ said Clancy.

  ‘Is that really interesting?’ said Elliot. ‘Watching people opening and closing their lockers?’

  ‘Sure, it’s interesting,’ said Clancy. ‘You get a sense of how important the lockers are, socially I mean, how they are at the heart of student interaction.’

  ‘Sounds thrilling,’ said Del, who was busy trying to stuff her sports kit into her over-stuffed locker.

  ‘I think it sounds like a good idea,’ said Mouse, meaning it.

  ‘Yeah, right,’ said Elliot, ‘maybe they could show it on prime-time.’ By now he was laughing. ‘They could call it, Look who’s Standing by my Locker, or Take a Locker at This …’

  ‘Yeah, OK Elliot, stick a sock in it would you,’ said Clancy. ‘It’s a psychological experiment not a sitcom.’

  There was a thunk sound followed by a ‘sorry’ – it was Red Monroe, who had collided with Mr Walford. ‘Sorry sir, I didn’t see you there.’

  ‘Miss Monroe, it would help considerably if you would actually look where you were going. This is a corridor people walk up and down all the time. Why is it so difficult for you to avoid them?’

  ‘I’m not sure sir,’ said Red.

  Mr Walford marched off, no doubt to find some other student to reprimand.

  ‘Hey,’ said Red, ‘I’ve been looking all over for you guys.’

  ‘Bang goes your social locker theory,’ said Elliot.

  ‘I would have come here, but you said yesterday we should meet by the donut van,’ said Red.

  ‘Yeah, but it’s raining,’ said Del.

  ‘Well, I didn’t know rain was going to mean you were going to just up and change the plan,’ said Red. ‘Look at me, I’m drenched.’

  ‘Sorry,’ said Mouse, ‘it just seemed the obvious thing to do.’

  ‘Not to me,’ said Red. ‘A plan’s a plan.’

  Bailey Roach was walking down the corridor towards the lockers, but when he saw Clancy he made out that he had just remembered something and veered off in the other direction. No one saw it except Clancy and Ruby, but that didn’t matter – this was Clancy’s new super power, scaring
Bailey Roach, and it felt good.

  The bell sounded and everyone began making their way to class. Clancy looked at Ruby, a sort of pleading and pitiful expression.

  ‘What?’ she said.

  ‘Nothing,’ he said, ‘it’s just I have a shot at raising my grade average.’

  Ruby rolled her eyes. ‘Jeepers,’ she said, ‘OK, I’ll try all right, but I’m not making any promises and I’m definitely not doing it if you keep making that stupid face at me.’

  ‘OK, I’ll stop making the face,’ said Clancy. ‘Thanks Rube.’

  ‘Yeah, well, you might want to save your thank yous because I have no idea how I’m gonna get hold of a tiny surveillance camera from Spectrum, especially when we’re on lockdown because of the whole mole thing.’

  But it wasn’t like she hadn’t taken gadgets without permission before. She could give it her best shot and if she got caught, well …

  ‘You’re a life saver Ruby, you know that?’ said Clancy.

  ‘Yeah,’ said Ruby. ‘Yeah, I know, but who’s gonna save me if I get found out? That’s what I wanna know.’

  WHEN RUBY GOT IN SHE RAN UPSTAIRS AND FLICKED ON THE TV – she had done her homework on the bus ride home and was looking forward to a little downtime. She wasn’t sure if it was a reaction to the wind and the feeling of being tugged this way and that that was causing her to feel so unsettled – irritated almost – or if it was something to do with the constant dodging of trouble: Vapona and her gang, Mr Parker, Bubbles. Whatever it was, she just wasn’t feeling her regular sociable self. She changed the channel to 23 and waited for the Crazy Cops title sequence to begin – she had a few minutes, just enough time to fix a snack.

  She grabbed a bagel from the pantry – the news was blaring out from the TV, she had it turned up too loud, Mrs Digby was always telling her so – and began rooting around for something to go with it.

  ‘SO KIRBY, WHAT MORE DO WE KNOW ABOUT THE IDAHO JAIL BUST?’

  ‘WELL, NOT MUCH, BRETT, IT WAS AT 7AM THIS MORNING THAT IT BECAME APPARENT THAT A PRISONER WAS MISSING FROM HIS CELL, AT WHICH TIME AN EXTENSIVE SEARCH WAS MADE OF THE PRISON COMPOUND.’

  ‘AND JUST HOW DID HE GET OUT, KIRBY?’

  ‘WELL, BRETT, IT SEEMS HE BROKE THROUGH HIS CELL WALL USING A SMALL AND HIGHLY EFFICIENT, STATE-OF-THE-ART STONE-CUTTING GADGET.’