How to Repair a Mechanical Heart

by J. C. Lillis

  “I don’t want to do that,” Abel says. “What they just did in there.”

  “Okay.” I nod fast. “It’s okay.”

  He holds the elevator door open. We step in.

  “I know I said I would,” he says, “but‌—‌I mean, it’s just gross.”

  I flinch. “It’s fine, okay? I get it.”

  “Yeah. Right.”

  He punches the button.

  Three floors ping by.

  “It’s so fucking easy for you,” Abel blurts. “This whole thing‌…‌”

  “What?”

  “Nothing.” He turns his back on me. “Forget it.”

  In bad elevator fics, Cadmus is always hitting the EMERGENCY STOP to pick a fight with Sim, which of course always turns into their heated bodies hungering in unison two paragraphs later.

  I spot the red button. My hand shoots out.

  We grind to a stop.

  “What are you doing?” Abel’s voice spikes up an octave.

  Crap. I didn’t think it would work.

  “You seriously stopped the elevator?”

  Brandon drew in a deep, calming breath. I can do this, he assured himself.

  “I want to know what you mean,” I tell him. “Why is this easy for me?”

  “Brandon‌—‌!”

  I step in front of the button. “We’re not going until you tell me.”

  “Fine.” He backs into a corner, as far from me as possible. “You went from one fake relationship to another, and it’s not fun anymore, and now we need to stop. Okay?”

  “I thought you liked this.”

  “I do. I did,” he says to his white Sim shoes. “But like, you get to play Cute Plastic Boyfriends with me for the camera, and it’s sweet and fun and safe for you and then you get to turn it off and walk away.” I open my mouth but he holds up a hand. “And I mean, look: it’s my fault. Okay? I was the idiot. Because I said yes to this fake-flirting thing like it was a game and I shouldn’t have said yes because I knew this would happen, I knew I was getting this diabolical crush at just the wrong time and I’d be in over my head but I couldn’t say no to you and now it’s gotten too weird and too dangerous and I have to end it because one thing I really really cannot do is have you break my heart, because then we probably couldn’t be friends. And I want to stay friends. No matter what. Don’t you?”

  I blink at him. My Abel-to-English decoder spits out the results.

  Holy Saint Peter on a hoverboard.

  Hot chills wash over me. I take a step closer.

  “What do you mean,” I say, “break your heart?”

  He closes his eyes. The mechanical heart blinks slow and steady.

  “Don’t make me say it,” he whispers.

  The rough draft of tonight’s story was set in my head this morning, but now it’s rewriting itself into something ten times better. It makes a weird kind of sense. It’s not going to happen in some expected place like the dance floor, while “Such Great Heights” tweedles in the background and the disco ball bathes us in generic starshine. It’s going to happen in a stopped elevator, like the worst, hackiest Cadsim fic on the Internet, only now it’s for real and it’s going to be amazing, just like if hey_mamacita had stayed up all night to get every detail just right.

  I kiss him.

  Brandon’s blood sizzled as his lips met Abel’s: his body sang an anthem of strength and softness, of celebration unshackled from fear. I’M KISSING A BOY, he silently shouted. They conjugated the verb with rapture and wonder and cinnamon-flavored bliss. Kiss, kissing, kissed. And kissed again.

  We break apart, the scent of cinnamon jelly beans tickling my nose.

  “You don’t have to,” he mutters.

  “Abel‌—‌”

  “You just think you like me,” he says to the floor. “That’s all this is.”

  “That’s all it ever is.”

  “You think you do, because you told me all those private things and we like, bonded, and maybe you think you owe me‌…‌” His eyes are filling up. “Or maybe‌—‌”

  “Abel.”

  He looks up. “What?”

  “I think I love you,” I tell him.

  It slips out soft and quiet, and so easily I think maybe I didn’t say it out loud. But then I see his face, and I know I did. He tilts my face in his warm hands and kisses me back, and it’s like one of those perfect TV kisses they save for May sweeps, the ones the previews tease you about all season until you swear it won’t happen, and then when it does the forums blow up and the fans add eighteen exclamation points to everything and swear they’ll never ask God for anything else for as long as they live.

  Abel rests his forehead on mine.

  “That is most welcome news, Captain.”

  I don’t call him Tin Man. I exhale, for the first time in five minutes.

  I hit the elevator release, and we’re on our way.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Sim washes off him fast, like the cheap makeup Bec and I bought for past Halloweens to magic ourselves into little suburban vampires. I watch his hair and face reclaim themselves, the blue hair gel and silver greasepaint streaking the white shower tiles and swirling down the drain.

  “Bran,” he murmurs.

  “Mm.”

  “Can I open my eyes now?”

  I take a deep breath. It’s okay.

  “Yes.”

  I feel good when I say it, but when his eyelids actually open I back up a step, clutch the washcloth against me. The hotel shower stall feels smaller, stifling. Am I too hairy? Not hairy enough? Did he imagine I was cut like a marble statue underneath my big t-shirts? Why didn’t I do crunches this week at the campground after he fell asleep?

  His eyes trace the droplets branching down my chest.

  They stop at my waistband.

  “Brandon. Cutie.”

  “Yeah.”

  “You’re still wearing your boxers.”

  “I am.”

  “Is there something you need to tell me?”

  “No.”

  “Are you actually a Ken doll?”

  “Nope.”

  “Is your dad a secret superhero and you have a bionic penis and you make up this big religious-paranoia back story because it shoots laser beams and has the strength of a bulldozer?”

  “Yes.”

  “I knew it.”

  “I’ve never done this.” I watch water whirl down the drain between my feet.

  “Showered in boxers?”

  “Been naked‌…‌with someone.”

  “Well, obviously. However, when you said let’s take a shower, I naively assumed‌—‌”

  “I know I know!” I draw my arms across my bare chest. “I’m sorry. I felt great and then‌…‌It’s new. You know?”

  “Look, if you want to wait more‌—‌”

  “I don’t.”

  “But maybe you’re too‌—‌”

  “No! No, listen.” I shove my wet hair off my forehead. I can’t screw this up. I won’t let bad thoughts in. I won’t. “It’s just, when I think about‌…‌sex or whatever, it’s kind of like on TV.”

  “Vanilla and hetero?”

  “No, like, there’s some kissing I guess, and then it fades out.”

  He gets this stupefied look. “That’s all you picture?”

  “Kind of.”

  “Ever?”

  “Mostly.”

  “Even your dirty robot dreams?”

  “Especially those.”

  “Oh-kay. Wow.” He weighs the full pathetic horror of my PG-13 dream-life. “So is that‌…‌all you want, or is there‌—‌”

  “No no. I want more.” My eyes wander down past his waist and oh my God I saw it crap crap don’t freak out it’s normal it’s beautiful it’s

  “Eyes up here for now.” He tips up my chin and kisses me lightly. “Let’s not frighten you further, darling.”

  “I’m not.”

  “You are, but it’s fine. We can work with this.” />
  “Okay.” I’m starting to shake. A good shaking. I think.

  “So what do you think you’d like?”

  “I don’t know.” I squeeze my eyes shut.

  “Don’t freak. I won’t judge.”

  “I know. But it’s like, I don’t even have the words.”

  He pauses. Long pause. Then I hear the shower door creak open, and I feel him slip away.

  I twist the water off and scramble out of the stall. He’s pulling on a white bathrobe, raking his hands through his wet hair with purpose. I’m losing him. For crap’s sake. I can’t even take a half-naked shower with someone without‌—‌

  “Come on, Bran.” He throws me the other robe.

  “What are we doing?”

  He peers at me over his shoulder and grins.

  “Imitating art.”

  ***

  I follow him into the bedroom. He flops onto the first bed and grabs the open laptop.

  “Um‌…‌”

  “So you know this happens in every fandom, right?” he says. “Especially real-person shipping?”

  “What?”

  “Here, sit here.” He pulls me down next to him and kisses my cheek. “There’s always that fic where they find all the fic their fans wrote about them, and they pretend to be all shocked and horrified at first, and then they read it together‌—‌”

  “In some fancy hotel room.”

  “With cute matchy-matchy bathrobes. And then they get drunk on cheap champagne, and as their inhibitions melt away they end up‌—‌”

  “‌—‌acting out their favorite scenes,” I sigh.

  “Exactly.”

  “Oh my God.”

  He hits his bookmark tab and scrolls down to the bottom. “I think this one was kind of hot. The one where we do it in the bowling alley‌—‌”

  “Abel!”

  “It’s useful, Bran. Trust me! This way you just point to the stuff you want to try‌—‌oh. Except that.”

  “What?” I hide my eyes.

  “Right, I bookmarked this fic to laugh at it. Sorry.” He giggles. “This sorcha doo person needs an anatomy lesson. Did you read this one?”

  “I skim the sex scenes.” I uncover one eye, see the word slick, and re-cover fast.

  “Yeah, in that position, your first time, in a bathroom stall? I think dizzying heights of ecstasy are out.”

  I cringe. “I figured.”

  “And honestly‌—‌I hope you’re not disappointed when I say this.”

  “What?”

  “I don’t think I can unbutton your shirt with my teeth.”

  “That’s okay.”

  “Here, this one’s pretty good, though.” He clicks on retro robot’s “You Can Drive My RV” and scrolls down. “The part that starts Abel’s back hit the wall with a thud? Definite possibilities. Just look.”

  “Yeah, I can’t.”

  He leans over and nips one of the fingers that cover my eyes. I grin. He nips another one, and another one, until I smack him away and coax my eyes back on the screen.

  I make myself read the words this time, instead of skipping to a safe part. The first few lines are like medieval torture, but then the shock wears off and it’s pretty okay, not much different from the Cadsim fanfic I used to sneak. It’s creative. Ridiculous. Funny. Sort of hot, if I ignore the fact that they’re straight-girl masturbatory fantasies about us. We spend the next half hour taking our time with it: laughing at the bad scenes, poring over the good ones. I go through my backlog of embarrassing sex questions, all of which Abel answers with casual directness, like a wet and sexy stranger giving directions to the post office.

  “Okay.” Abel stretches and cracks his knuckles. “So definitely that bit from the steampunk AU except minus the brass goggles and mechanical claw, and then we mix in some ‘Three Little Words.’ And‌—‌what else?”

  I scroll down shyly to “How to Repair a Mechanical Heart.”

  “Chapter 18,” I say. “I’d like to start here.”

  “Is this the one where we conjugate the verbs?”

  “Yeah. But the scene right after.”

  He skims it. “Nice. A little overheated, but whatever. Okay. We’ll keep these up for inspiration, but we’ll improvise too. Plan subject to modification at any time, depending on our mood and your comfort level. Sound good, Captain?”

  I nod fast. “Yep.”

  He tosses the condom on the nightstand. “When and if, okay? Don’t look at it; it’s like a little foil packet of intimidation.”

  He reaches across me and snaps off the lamp, so the only light left in the room is a gleaming rectangle of laptop screen. He pushes that off to the side. Cold prickles tick across my neck. All my elevator bravado whooshes away.

  No more jokes.

  We’re doing this. For real.

  Oh God.

  “So first,” he murmurs. “I’m supposed to tenderly reveal your sculpted chest, as if unwrapping a gift.” He kisses me, whispers in cinnamon against my lips. “Lie back for this, okay?”

  Okay. I sink into the cool white pillow. I can do this. Obey commands. I glance at hey_mamacita’s words on the laptop, blurred and unreadable from here. He tugs at the tie on my bathrobe and slides the terrycloth off my skin: chest first, then the rest of me. He unpeels my boxers, still damp from the shower, in one fluid move. Like I needed a reminder he’s done this before. Many times. And there’s no way I won’t disappoint him.

  “How’s that?” His fingers trail down my chest and up again, lingering on‌—‌God I hate the word “nipple” so much, I can’t even. “Good?”

  I swallow the rock in my throat. “Good.”

  “I can’t see your eyes. Are you freaking?”

  Status: Naked. On bed. With boy. Systems overheating. Sudden doubts multiplying. Meltdown imminent.

  “No,” I lie.

  “Now, that scene you like has you taking the reins pretty early on, remember? I mean, if you’re too nervous we could change that, but I have total faith in you.” He’s shrugging off his own robe, tossing it on the floor. It’s too dim to see much but I shut my eyes anyway. “What do you think?”

  My throat creates some affirmative syllable.

  He drops down on the pillow beside me and sweeps me on top of him. I go taut with the warm shock of skin to skin, the huge undeniable fact of his hardness insisting itself next to mine. I think I have to pee. I wish I could brush my teeth again. What if I do everything all wrong? What if I die of happiness and then go right to hell? A vague panicked stop stop stop wheels through my head and I’m gripped with the worst fear of all: what if I run away?

  “Your scene.” Abel brushes damp hair off my forehead. “You take over.”

  “I don’t know what‌—‌”

  “Yes you do.” He pecks two kisses inside my hand and presses it to his heart. I feel its warm steady knock against my palm. “You do, sweetheart. Relax.”

  The word sends a thunder of calm rolling through me. My fingers twitch to life. hey_mamacita whispers in the sultry, cocksure voice I imagine for her: With bold nimble hands he bolted Abel’s wrists to the smooth white sheets and braved the distance between their lips. It was shorter than he’d imagined. Because now he was free.

  I let her words fill my head, guiding my first moves.

  And then, in the pale glow of the laptop, I start to write my own.

  Chapter Nineteen

  We lay together in the wrecked white bed, sprawled side by side like action figures someone just got done playing with. Except I’d never mistake myself for plastic, not now. It’s like Sim said in Episode 2-15, after he first got the chip: I was never fully aware of my body before. Now every part of me is alive. Electrified. Am I wrong to feel joyful, Captain? Is it foolish not to fear pain yet?

  I feel Abel still awake, fiddling with the sheets beside me. We’re on the same page, I guess, trying to sidestep morning-after awkwardness by not sleeping at all. I wish he’d talk first. I don’t know how to break the seal.
I have some sincerely stupid questions‌—‌like, I’m not sure what we did tonight actually counted as losing my virginity‌—‌but that’s kind of a question for Dan Savage and not really sexy afterglow talk, which I still have no clue about even after a hundred Cadsim and Abandon fics and really all I want to do is pull a guitar out of thin air and serenade him with “Here, There, and Everywhere,” like I do in Chapter 18 of “How to Repair a Mechanical Heart.”

  Abel taps my cheek. “Hey‌…‌?”

  I turn my head, smile. “Hey.”

  His eyes flick down to the space between us. I look down and see what he’s done.

  Plastic Sim and Plastic Cadmus: tucked snugly under the sheet together. Spooning.

  I crack up laughing.

  “So?” Abel says.

  “So.”

  He cringes cutely. “How‌…‌was it?”

  I would write horrible fanfic. The mechanics blur; the last thing we did blasted my mind inside-out and left me clear and calm and goofy-dreamy.

  “Great,” I tell him.

  “Well‌…‌mostly great. Right?”

  I hide my face in the pillow. “Sorry I couldn’t do everything. I just‌—‌”

  “No no! Oh God, that’s not what I meant.” He knocks on the back of my head. “I meant that one part where I freaked you out. I just didn’t know you hated feet so much.”

  “Neither did I.”

  “That’s what’s so fun, though. Figuring all that stuff out.” He walks his fingers under the covers. “On the other hand, I discovered your inner thigh is especially‌—‌”

  “Ooh! Stop.”

  “What? It’s cool. Next time I’ll bring some feathers and we can‌—‌”

  I kiss him to shut him up. We are both imperfect in so many ways right now‌—‌his hair sticking up like angry-rooster hackles, the fuzzy morning taste in my mouth‌—‌but I don’t care. We smile when we break apart.

  “So be honest: what’s going on in your head right now?” He crooks Plastic Cadmus’s arm tighter around Sim. “Good stuff? Bad stuff?”

  “Good. All good.”

  He cocks his head.

  “I mean it.” I lean over the action figures and kiss him again. And again.

  “Okay, ‘cause if you’re going to cry or drop to your knees and pray or whatever, do it now so I can‌—‌”