63. Don’t forget to put the sign on the door to keep the cleaning people OUT of your cabin. It’s hard to explain to a hysterical maid why you have someone in your closet who looks dead.
64. Make sure to tip EVERYONE: porters, maids, waiters, the cabin boy, etc. The happier the staff is with you, the less likely they are to go poking around.
65. Though it might put a damper on your social life, stay as close to your cabin as you can during the daytime. This will help ensure your vampire friend’s safety.
66. Your vampire may not be one for technology and, since there’s usually only one outlet per ship cabin, that’s a good thing. Keep it that way, and both plug-ins are yours.
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TRAVELING BY AIR
67. The easiest way to travel by air is to hire a private plane with a pilot who doesn’t ask a lot of questions. Your vampire will probably know how to find that.
68. If your vampire has lost his connections (there can be a lot of reasons for that), you might have to take commercial transportation. In that case, only travel by plane if you absolutely have to. In other words, if it’s to a different continent.
69. If you have to take a commercial plane, it might be best to pass your vampire friend off as a dead body. If your vampire objects to this, remind them that they don’t need to breathe, so they’ll be fine. Make sure that you don’t sound condescending or add anything like, “you’re already dead, so it doesn’t matter!” This won’t win the argument.
70. There are certain regulations that have to be followed for transporting dead bodies, especially internationally. If your vampire knows the right people, he can probably get high quality forgeries of the paperwork for a song. However, he will still have to travel by coffin in the cargo hold.
71. The cargo hold can be very, very cold. And, sure, your vampire seems impervious to cold, but there’s a difference between cold and sub zero. Make sure that your vampire is dressed warmly inside their coffin. You’ll all be happier that way.
72. To minimize the likelihood of your vampire getting lost, and multiple baggage claim issues, try not to book a flight with layovers. If possible, drive to the airport you need to leave from, and then drive, or take boats, to your destination once you’re across the ocean.
73. Since you already have to check your vampire as cargo, travel light so you don’t have to mess with checking – and later claiming – luggage on top of it. The more items you can realistically wear, the fewer you have to pack. Don’t be afraid to layer, but don’t overdo it. Three shirts, jeans, a skirt, knee socks, a sweater and a winter coat look a little weird, especially in May.
74. Because you’ll have the added hassle of checking your “deceased person”, arrive at the airport at least six hours before your flight leaves. And bring a book.
75. To make the security check in easier, make sure that your shoes are slip on, and that you have no jewelry, or metal items in your pockets. If you can completely empty your pockets, all the better. You have enough weirdness going on, you need one thing to go smoothly.
76. The onboard meals and drinks are generally pretty laughable, so if you’re going to be hungry or thirsty, bring your own. Remember, you have to purchase it after you’ve gone through the check in stations. You won’t get far if you have several ham sandwiches and bottles of soda in your purse.
77. The most important thing you can do while on the flight is remain calm. Acting anxious, or asking the stewardess if she’s sure that your “dead uncle Fred is okay back there?” will just upset everyone else and make you look really weird.
78. The first thing you should do when you get to your destination is make sure that your vampire got shipped properly. Lost luggage is one thing. A lost vampire is something else.
79. Have a plan to get from the airport to your next destination; whether it’s a taxi, a bus or a rental car. Remember, some drivers may not be too excited about transporting the coffin.
80. Let your vampire out of their coffin as soon as possible. If you timed your flight right, you might even arrive on foreign soil after dark! Be prepared to deal with a really bad mood. For instance, rather than shouting, “You?! What about me! Do you have any idea what a hassle this was?!”, try to be tolerant and remember that your vampire friend just spent several hours in an uncomfortable box, with no heat, playing “dead”.
81. Vampires can stay awake all day, and after extensive traveling – especially by plane – they may have done just that. They need a lot of blood to make up for it, so a detour to some out of the way farm might not be a bad idea.
82. Unless you’re planning on hauling the zinc lined coffin around, you may want to sell it. There’s probably a local vampire network that would be happy to take it off your hands for a reasonable price.
83. When making the return trip, be sure to have different paperwork for a different dead body, and use not only a different airport, but also a different airline. Things start to look really weird otherwise.
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TRAVELING BY TRAIN
84. Vampires do not travel by trains, unless they have no other choice, and then, only in a sleeper car. If you’ve ever traveled by train, then you’ll know why.
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FOREIGN TRAVEL
85. Passports can be expensive. If you’re on a tight budget, make your vampire friend pay for part of it. They usually have a stash of money hidden out somewhere.
86. Make copies of all your important documents (i.e. your passport and any identification you and your vampire friend might be using) and keep them in a safe place on your person. Should you lose your luggage, you’ll be glad you did. It’s much easier than letting your vampire “deal with” the embassy personnel himself.
87. No matter where you go, there’s bound to be an underground group of vampires. If your vampire friend is not wanted for some crime against their own species, contact this local group as soon as possible. They can be helpful in everything from finding accommodations to coffin rentals.
88. If you go with your vampire to meet the local undead, watch what you say. You may think that the joke about the vampire, the werewolf and the zombie meeting up in the bar is funny, but don’t tell it.
89. If the local vampire population isn’t friendly – or if you told that bad joke about the vampire and the zombie – you might need to defend yourself. Do not make the mistake of waving garlic cloves at the attacking vampires. It will only insult them further.
90. Likewise, holding a cross up at a vampire isn’t going to do anything, unless you think you can trade it for your life. You never know, they might be a collector.
91. If you have to kill a vampire, remember that there’s a lot of blood in a body, especially as it spreads. After you kill one, step away quickly, or you’ll leave footprints, and modern forensics can do a lot with footprints.
92. The center of all vampiredom on earth is not in Transylvania, so if you’ve traveled there to see it, then be prepared for disappointment.
93. Your vampire is also probably not interested in any of the foreign “vampire tours” at any number of “vampire hot spots”. Don’t book one.
94. By its very definition, foreign food is foreign. You may think that you’ll be safe with a cheeseburger from McDonalds – after all, what can they do to a cheeseburger? – but you’d be surprised. If you have a delicate stomach, always ask about what’s in something before you order it.
95. “Don’t drink the water” may seem like an old cliché, but it isn’t. Don’t drink the local water. You’re not used to the microbes in it, and if you think your vampire is impatient now, wait until you’re sick and can’t get out of the bathroom and then you’ll see what real impatience is.
96. Most of the world speaks English now, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, however it’s better if you AND your vampire friend have a handle on at least a few useful phrases in the local language. It could make all the difference
between “where is the beach?” and “are you willing to buy my human for twenty dollars?”
97. Remember that a foreign country is going to be just that – foreign. If it wasn’t, then it would be home, and you wouldn’t be on a trip. So, relax and go with the flow. However, if your vampire friend tells you that you need to remove your clothes as part of some local custom, don’t fall for it. They’re making that up.
98. The best time to ask your vampire for money is when they’ve just come back from feeding. Who are they trying to kid with that “only animals” stuff? And don’t let them tell you that they don’t clean out their victims pockets. Where do you think all that wrinkled cash is coming from?
99. If you brought your cell phone with you, then put it in the bottom of your bag and leave it. Your vampire friend may have money stashed away, but he’s probably not going to pay a monster bill because you wanted to call your friends from the Sistine Chapel.
100. You may need to occasionally remind your vampire of things like security cameras. It’s hard to explain to the police why your vampire was throwing someone around like they were rag dolls and then tried to rip their heart out. Police, both foreign and domestic, frown on those kinds of things.
101. Before you buy souvenirs, ask yourself if it’s something you really need. After all, once you buy it you’ll have to carry it around with you until you get home. Packing light and then buying several bags worth of junk doesn’t make much sense, does it?
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So there it is. 101 tips for traveling with a vampire. I wish I’d had a list like this before I got caught up in the world of the undead. It would have made things much easier. In the spirit of further helping my fellow humans in their day-to-day human/vampire relationships, I am adding “Super-Duper Bonus Twenty-Five Tips for Dealing with Your Vampire”
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25 Tips for Dealing with Your Vampire
1. Unless your vampire is determined to be cliché, they won’t dress in a cape and moan about the burdens of immortality.
2. Vampires tend to be selfish creatures. After all, only someone who’s self absorbed and egotistical thinks they’re good enough to live forever.
3. Vampires don’t have to kill someone to feed off of them and, if the vampire has special abilities, they can even make their victim forget about it, so be on the lookout for strange bite marks. You don’t want to just be a mobile snack.
4. Whether you like your vampire friend’s hairstyle or not, it’s best to get used to it. Sure, they can cut it but, when they get up tomorrow, it will be right back.
5. Most vampires have excellent hearing. So, though you may think you’re out of range, muttering, “just wait until I get a stake, you bloodsucker!” is not a good idea.
6. It’s not that your vampire doesn’t want to change into a bat in front of you, it’s that they can’t, so quit bugging them about it.
7. You may find that your vampire has an aversion to technology. If that’s the case, try to bring them into the world of gadgets slowly. Before you do, consider whether it’s necessary. Do you really want your vampire friend on Twitter?
8. You might like holidays, but by the time your vampire friend is on Christmas number 522, he’s probably sick of it. Don’t be surprised if your ideas for holiday celebrations are met with a less than enthusiastic attitude.
9. The same goes with birthdays. After number 300, they can get kind of boring. Besides, vampires don’t eat cake.
10. If you and your vampire do celebrate holidays, you may find they want to do weird, old fashioned things like tell ghost stories at Christmas. Try to be tolerant of their strange ideas.
11. Before you buy your vampire friend an undead rubber ducky as a gift, make sure they have a sense of humor.
12. It isn’t going to help you to get all squeamish and hysterical when your vampire friend butchers an opposing coven, or chooses to solve problems by killing or snacking on someone. Your friend is a vampire. You should have expected this before you got involved. It’s a little late to think about it now.
13. Even so, it may be hard, at first, to make the transition from a normal human, into someone who can handle the idea of killing vampires, or watching vampires get killed. If you think of the other vampires as movie extras, or evil puppets, the transition can be easier.
14. Don’t be surprised if you have to explain to your vampire that purchasing a new casket is not what you had in mind when you suggested furniture shopping.
15. Vampires do not consider rabbits “fast food”. And they may not think that joke is funny, either.
16. If you happen to have a vampire friend that’s too remorseful and guilt ridden to feed on humans, don’t call them a “wimp” or a “whiner”. What if you manage to convince them that killing is okay?
17. Just because your vampire friend doesn’t need to go to the gym, or diet or jog, or exercise, is no reason to call them an “undead freak!” It may not seem fair, especially when you can’t get your jeans to fasten, but it’s not nice.
18. Don’t ask your vampire to “turn you”. If they want you around for eternity, chances are they’ll suggest it themselves. It is a big commitment.
19. Your vampire has lived a long time and may not want to talk about their past. There might be a reason for that.
20. Conversely, once they get started, they might ramble on for a long, long time. Try to nod along and act interested, even if you’re brains are bored into jelly. After all, you asked.
21. You may or may not need to update your vampire friend’s wardrobe. If you do, don’t go about it by saying things like, “Your clothes suck! You look like you just stepped out of a tomb/crypt/horror movie/renaissance fair/etc.”
22. On the other hand your vampire may be cooler than you. In that case you might want to tone them down a little before people start wondering what they see in you.
23. Vampires don’t have to breathe, but if your friend wants to fit in with humanity, they better put out the effort. Keep an eye on them and, if they forget, try to remind them subtly. A hard pinch to the inner thigh isn’t exactly subtle.
24. Yes, your vampire can’t die easily but, should calamity strike in front of people, there’s nothing wrong with them playing dead. Think about what your friends and family will say if your vampire gets hit by a car and immediately leaps to his feet and pounds the driver’s head into the steering wheel.
25. Finally, should you choose to end the relationship, remember that a good old fashioned stake to the heart will do it, but, really, you should consider other options first. I know, there’s not a lot of “couples counseling” out there for vampire-human relationships, but come on. Murder is a bit of an extreme way to say “It’s over”.
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I hope this list has been helpful to someone. If you’re hanging out with vampires too, then hit me up. Maybe we can start a group. It could be fun. We could compare scars and share horror stories and…
On second thought, maybe not.
Thanks for reading! If you’d like to learn more about Katelina and her adventures, please visit www.JoleeneNaylor.com
Read on for a sneak peek of book four in the Amaranthine series.
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Jorick and Katelina followed a set of stairs to a cement room rimmed in metal doors and security lights. Yellow caution stripes were painted on the walls and block letters announced “Authorized Personnel Only” and “Warning: Dangerous Specimens”.
Jorick surveyed the words. “Either they had high hopes or Kale isn’t their first brush with a nonhuman entity.”
“You don’t really think so? Not in Michigan?”
He shrugged and sniffed for Kale’s scent. Katelina still wasn’t used to the idea that vampires could smell one another, or that they had a sort of sixth sense that told them when someone was nearby. But then there were a lot of things she wasn’t used to.
“Ah.�
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Katelina followed Jorick’s gaze. The door at the back of the room was covered in diamond shaped warning labels. If not for the seriousness of the situation they would have been comical. One had an injured hand with blood dripping from it crossed out, while a second showed a pair of swirly eyes and warned against “vampire hypnosis”. A third showed the black silhouette of a human head with large white fangs where the mouth belonged. “Warning: Vampires may be more dangerous than they appear. Exercise caution at all times”.
101 Tips for Traveling with a Vampire Page 2