by Kerry Taylor
I nodded, hoping that would always be the case, but there was a fear deep inside, that one day one of those memories would be too much for me to bear, and I would snap, becoming lost in them forever.
“We should go back in. I….I’ve worried everyone.” I said as I stood on shaky legs.
“Just give yourself a minute. There’s no hurry.” Xander said as he steadied me with an arm around my back. I held onto him and took a deep breath.
“I’m ok now.” I assured them, then I moved from Xander’s hold and started back to the dining room, feeling embarrassed at the show I had made in front of everyone.
“Livia!” Evie squealed the second we stepped into the dining room. She was out of her seat and running at me. I braced myself just in time before she hit me hard, throwing her arms around my thighs tight.
“Are you ok?” She asked as she held on.
“I’m absolutely fine munchkin.” I told her as I hugged her back awkwardly. “I’m sorry I scared you.”
“It’s ok. Sometimes the boys make me jump too. It’s really mean!” Evie glared up to Xander who stood beside me and I realised she thought he had frightened me when he touched me, which he had, but not purposely like she was thinking.
“Come and finish your dinner now, honey. Let Olivia sit down.” Keira said. I looked over and found her and Grant looking worried sick as they watched me closely. I nodded, hoping to reassure them and they both forced a smile.
Evie released me and we all went back to eating. I felt sick from all of the anxiety and couldn’t face the food any longer. I pushed it around a little, then as everyone finished up, I gave up. Everyone seemed much quieter after my meltdown, the conversation stilted and awkward. I felt bad, knowing it was my fault and as soon as Matt, Cole and Keira started to clean up, I made my excuses, grabbed my book and ran to my room to hide.
Xander came by to check on me a while later, but I assured him I was ok, just tired and he let me be. He and Simon had called in a while after that to say goodbye, promising to come back on Tuesday evening. I knew from the way Xander watched me he was worried, but there was little I could do to reassure him. There was no denying I was a damned mess. I told him I would text him, hoping it would ease his worry and he seemed better as he left.
An hour later, frustrated, I gave up on the book and dropped it on the bed beside where I lay out on my front. I was just so mad that I had let that memory attack me in the middle of that family meal. I wasn’t stupid. I knew it would take time for me to control the images and memories that were terrorising me. I couldn’t just shut them off, but I had to find a way to better control them, especially when I was in front of everyone. They were all already being so good, allowing me to be there. I couldn’t put them through even more drama with my mini meltdowns.
A knock at the door pulled me from my brooding. I sat up and wiped away the tears that had escaped.
“Come in.”
“Hey,” Cole greeted as he opened the door a little and looked in, with an unsure smile. It looked weird on him. He always seemed so sure, cocky even.
“Hey.”
“I don’t want to bug you. I just wanted to check in.” He stayed mostly behind the door, his head just poking in.
“You’re not bugging me.” I said with a smile of my own. He was cute and sweet.
“Oh Good.” He declared as he came into the room, closing the door behind him. “Matt told me I should let you have some space, but I was worried about you.” I realised then that was why he had been so unsure. Matt had told him not to bother me.
“I’m ok. I’m sorry if I scared you before.”
“What happened? You were just zoned out, then when Xand touched you, you freaked.”
“It was a memory…….like a flashback. It was the day I was taken. I couldn’t get out of it, then Xander touched me. He p-pulled me back, but I was confused and scared.” I tried to explain.
“Does that happen a lot…...the memories, I mean?” He asked as he walked past me to the top of my bed and climbed up. He sat back against the pillows, his head rested on the headboard and his knees pulled up in front of him. I turned to face him, my legs crossed in front of me. I was sat at the foot of the bed, opposite him.
“I guess so, more since I got away.” I admitted.
“It’ll get better. Matt was the same when he came here. He still has nightmares occasionally, but most of the things he struggled with eased over time.”
“I guess.” I agreed half heartedly.
“What’s wrong? You can talk to me you know? I know I act like an ass most of the time, but I’m here for you.”
“You’re not an ass.” I said firmly as I looked up to him, wanting him to see the truth in my words.
“So talk to me then?” He pushed. His dark eyes locked on mine and I felt like he held me with that gaze, held me until I opened up and told him the truth.
“What if I’m too messed up to ever be ok?” I asked shakily.
“Olivia, you’re already doing so well considering what you escaped. I can’t believe how far you’ve come since yesterday. When I first met you, you were hiding under the table. Now you’re sitting here with me alone, talking and opening up. I don’t think you realise how strong and resilient you are.”
“But inside I’m a mess Cole. I’m scared just constantly, and all of the images of…...of everything are playing in my head. As soon as I sleep, he’s there waiting to hurt me all over and when I wake up I’m a mess again. I don’t even know who I am now! Last time I had any kind of life I was nine years old. Now I’m all grown up, minus the actual growing up years, and I don’t know who that person is. I daren’t even look at myself in the mirror!” I cried, tears of fear and frustration escaping again.
“Come on.” Cole said as he jumped up and took my hand. He pulled slightly, but I remained frozen in place, confused.
“Where to?” I asked.
“I’m going to show you who you are.” He said simply. Scared, but comforted by the knowledge that I wasn’t alone, I went with him when he pulled again. He took me in the bathroom and stood me before the mirror, but with my back to it.
“I’m scared. I haven’t seen my face since I was a kid.” I told him tearfully.
“You’re not alone. I’m here with you.” He assured me. He had his hands on my shoulders and his huge body surrounded me completely. He was the bulkiest of the guys, but also the gentlest. I nodded once and turned fast, like ripping a bandaid off.
I gasped when I saw my reflection. The nine year old girl I had seen last was still there, my wide, dark blue eyes and a small nose that I had always hated, still just the same. My skin was pale and my complexion sickly looking, but I wasn’t hideous. My lips were a good shape, with a slight pout and I had high cheekbones. There was a scar on my chin, the one Evie had seen, but it wasn’t hugely noticeable. There was also a long line on my forehead where I hit a wall head first once in the early days, but it was faint. I was small, especially when I stood before Cole who was at least a foot and a half taller. My shoulders were slight and I was barely tall enough to see in the mirror, but I had always been on the small side and I guess eight years of little food, water or light hadn’t helped.
“You Olivia Byrd, are an extremely beautiful, amazingly smart, undeniably strong woman with a kind heart. You have been in this home for two days and everyone here already loves you.” Cole said quietly as I studied myself. “You have a scar on your chin and one on your forehead, symbols of your strength and ability to survive. You’re a pocket sized powerhouse, who has a brain built for numbers. You like to read really boring books and love to be outdoors. You eat real food like a sparrow, but sugar like a hungry bear.” Cole went on, making me laugh. “And that, for now is all I know, but it’s a good start. You have so much time to find out who else you are, and you don’t need to be scared of that because I know for damned sure, whoever you turn out to be, she is going to be very fucking special.” I looked up to his face in the mirror, studying
his reflection as he studied me. His dark eyes were still locked on mine, pulling me in with a wild intensity. I turned hurriedly, needing to feel him close.
“Thank you.” I whispered as I wrapped my arms tight around his waist. My head barely reached his chest and I had to admit, I had never felt safer. He was just so tall and ripped, it was impossible not to feel wonderfully protected with him. He held me back, his arms wrapping around my back and holding me, his heat pouring into me
“You’re going to be ok beautiful girl, we’re all going to make sure you are.” He soothed and I felt for the first time, that he was really right, that there really was hope that I could find my way out of the darkness and into at least some semblance of light.
CHAPTER 8
COLE
I had stayed with her that night as she snuggled into bed to sleep. After she had told me how bad her nightmares were, there was no way I was leaving her. I sat where I had been earlier, leant against the head of the bed, holding her hand and quietly talking away as she laid down and slowly drifted off to sleep.
I had been so worried about her earlier when she had simply slipped away from us all at the dinner table. Matt had noticed first, saying her name over and over trying to get her attention, but she was gone. We looked to Xander and that was when he had touched her and scared her badly. She pulled it back, came back to us and got it together so well, but it had scared us all.
After she ran to her room after dinner, Xander had checked on her and told us she needed some time, and to leave her. Matt had agreed and told me not to bother her, but I had to. I was just so worried she was in here alone and upset. The thought had plagued me until I got up and came to her. Now I was glad I had. She had really opened up and I was pretty sure getting her to actually look in the mirror had been a good step forward.
The guys all saw me as the joker of the group, and I was, but I could be serious when I needed to be. I could be serious and sensitive for Olivia. She needed me, both sides of me, and I would be there for her.
I looked down at her, quietly snoring. She was curled up tight on her side facing me, her hand beneath her cheek. She was the opposite to me, small and dainty and so fragile. When I held her earlier, I had been scared I would crush her, but I knew she was tougher and stronger than she looked. She was a fighter and we all needed to make sure we remembered that. Yes we all needed to keep her safe, but we couldn’t coddle her. She needed to keep her strength, she had fought damn hard to earn it and she didn’t need a load of overbearing men taking it from her.
The door to her room opened quietly and I looked up hurriedly from where I had been staring at her. I was pretty sure Mom wouldn’t be mad I was in here, but I didn’t want anyone to wake her.
“Kyle?” I whispered as I saw his outline in the dim light from the lamp beside the bed.
“Yeah. I said I’d check on her when I got home. How is she?” He asked quietly. He looked tired, his shirt pulled from his dress slacks and his suit jacket slung over his shoulder.
“She had a tough evening, but I think she’s doing better.” I told him. “She’s been sleeping pretty soundly for a while now.”
“That’s good. You staying with her?”
“Yeah. She’s been having nightmares so I want to be here, in case.”
“Ok man. I’m going to bed, but grab me if you need anything.”
“She is going to be ok, isn’t she Kyle?” I asked, scared for her.
“We’ll make damned sure of it.” He said firmly, settling my fears.
“Night bro.” I whispered with a nod of thanks. He nodded too, then left the room, closing the door behind him.
I lay my head back on the headboard and closed my eyes. I was exhausted, but there was no way I was leaving her. I’d just sleep there, staying close by and ready to fight that kidnapping fucker if he tried to get to her through her nightmares as she slept.
OLIVIA
My eyes shot open as I felt cold hands gripping my waist and swinging me into the air. I fought for a breath as I flew through the cold damp air, and landed hard against a crumbling wall. My arm hit the sharp stone and burst open, warm blood running down past my elbow and over my fingers. I looked up in time to see him, storming toward me angrily. He was pissed and that meant one thing. Pain. He crouched and hit me twice in the ribs on my right side, stealing the breath from me. The thought that this wasn’t right knorred at me, but I barely had time to think as he grabbed my ankles and began dragging me to his torture table. My body shook violently with adrenaline as the desperate urge to scream and beg came over me, but I didn’t. I didn’t make a sound. It would only make things so much worse. The thought that this wasn’t right hit me again and then a voice, a deep male voice.
“Olivia? Olivia, wake up beautiful. You’re safe at home with me.” The voice said and then I was opening my eyes, this time for real. I looked up panicked and found Cole knelt on my bed at my side, his face leant in close to mine. I was shaking and fighting to breathe, my PJs once again soaked through with sweat.
“Cole?” I whispered confused.
“Hey you.” He said with a smile, forced though his panic. I tried to sit up and he quickly moved to help me, cradling my back with his huge arm. “I fell asleep. When I woke up you were like this. Are you ok? Can you take some deeper breaths?”
I nodded as I fought to convince myself this safe, comforting place was real, not The Darkness, not anymore anyway. I managed to get a couple of deep breaths in and the rest came easier after that.
“You stayed with me all night?” I asked when I realised the sun was up outside the window.
“I didn’t want to leave you alone after you told me about the nightmares.” He admitted. “I stayed at the top of the bed though.” He added in a rush, making me smile.
“Thank you.” I whispered gratefully. “I slept better with you close.”
“Then that’s all that matters. You ok now?”
I nodded, then added, “It was a good night. Only one nightmare. I can deal with that.”
“Then I’ll stay with you every night.” Cole offered.
“You can’t sleep sitting there every night. I’ll be ok, but thank you.”
“We’ll all stay. We can take it in turns. I’ll talk to the others.”
“You guys can’t do that forever.” I sighed.
“We won’t need to do it forever, but for now, until you start sleeping better, I think it’s a good idea. Will you be ok with one of us here with you?”
“It did help last night.” I admitted, knowing I had slept ten times better with Cole there than when I was alone the night before.
“Ok. I’ll talk to them. We’ll figure it out.” He said firmly. He had been so different since he came into my room that night. The fun, joking Cole was still there, but he was also so much more serious and take-charge. I liked that side of him too. He made me feel cared for and protected more than ever before.
“Thank you.”
“Anything for you, Brains.” He replied, making me smile. “I need to hit the gym for a bit, stretch my aching muscles. You want to come?”
“Exercise?” I asked with raised eyebrows. “No thanks. I think I’ll get some tea and read my book until you guys are ready for breakfast.” I had learnt the day before that all of the guys hit the gym before breakfast if they weren’t working, including Grant.
Keira, who hated mornings, stayed in bed as late as possible and Evie usually stayed in her room watching cartoons for as long as possible. But this was a weekday, so I guessed things would be a little different. The guys would still hit the gym, since Matt already told me they did that everyday, but I guessed Evie would likely be heading to school and Keira to work after dropping her off already. Cole and Matt had permission to stay home and study this week, even though I wasn’t even enrolled until the week after. It was pretty obvious no one wanted to leave me alone in the house, not with the way I was flipping out every two minutes, hence why I had the guys home.
“O
k. Keira and Grant will have already headed out with Evie, so you should have peace. Matt will make us all breakfast once we finish up in the gym.”
“Sounds good. I’ll see you down there.” I agreed.
“Ok beautiful girl.” He bent down and kissed my forehead, then left the room in a blur. I was so glad he had stayed that night and that he was going to ask the guys about other nights. I hated being alone, even as selfish as I knew it would be having them stay with me nights. I needed them though, at least for a while.
***
An hour later I was in the kitchen making green tea, just as Matt had shown me the day before. I had showered and dressed in leggings and a long black sweater. My hair, still wet, was braided over my shoulder and I was already back into my book as the kettle boiled. Elinor had just found out that Edward was to marry Lucy Steele and I was crying at her heartbreak, tears streaming down my face. I put the book down and took a deep breath, trying to compose myself as I poured the freshly boiled water over the tea bag. I was desperate for Elinor to get her happy ending. I needed a happy ending.
Feeling sure Keira wouldn’t love a book that ended badly I picked up the book and my tea and headed for the sliding doors out to the garden. I knew it would be cold, but the sun was shining and I wanted to feel the sun on my face, even if just for a little while.
I turned my back to the glass door and used my elbow to push the handle to get out, but it was locked and didn’t open. The second I tried, a blaring alarm sounded through the house, scaring me badly. I dropped the tea, the boiling water splashing my bare feet as it landed with a smash. But I barely even noticed as I slammed my hands over my ears and went into my automatic panic mode, searching for a place to hide as adrenaline surged through me.
By the time I ducked under the dining table images of attack after attack were flying through my mind one after the other. I had my hands clamped tight over my ears, my knees tucked tight into my chest and I was rocking back and forth in an attempt to make myself feel safe, even though I was sure I wasn’t. I was gone then, to a place of darkness, pain and terror.