“Kids. Right.”
“They’re too young and stupid to appreciate real beauty.” Hideki took Ryoko by the hand and pulled her toward the platform.
“And some people are more ‘mature,’ is that it?” Ryoko asked dryly as she followed him up to the car’s entrance.
“Definitely.” He looked over his shoulder at her. Ryoko was a lovely woman, her pink, supple lips demanding to be kissed. He was tempted to do it, too, but he’d promised Ryoko this trip together was just part of their friendship and nothing more. He was beginning to see a similarity between Ryoko’s and Toru's eyes that he knew was only his imagination and didn't exist.
Dwelling on what had happened -- or rather not happened -- with Toruhiko Nakai was foolish. Idiot, Hideki reminded himself. It was your fear that blew what might have happened.
Ryoko’s hand slipped out of his, and he stopped just short of getting onto the train. She was frozen a few feet behind him on the platform, oblivious to the people pushing around her to get on the shinkansen.
“Do you really mean that?” she whispered as he came back to take her hand again. “What you said about appreciating what’s really beautiful?”
Hideki touched her cheek. “Of course I did.” He knew how shallow people could be in this business, his appearance sometimes being more important than his music to the publicists. For someone who aspired to be a fashion model like Ryoko, with her looks being judged at every moment, and so harshly, it had to be hell to deal with so often.
“Did those girls back there really hurt your feelings?” he asked. “Trust me, they don’t know what they’re talking about.”
Ryoko leaned close, about to say something that, from the urgent look in her eyes, had to be important. But she pressed her lips together and seemed to reconsider it.
“You’re a wonderful man, Hideki,” Ryoko said a little sadly. “You’ll make a girl very happy someday.”
“Right now I’m only concerned with getting this woman on the train.” He grabbed Ryoko’s hand and pulled her on seconds before the doors closed.
Laughing, they jostled along to an empty space in the back. Toru felt himself fall even deeper for Hideki as they talked on the way to Minakami. They shared the same likes and dislikes about so many things and had even spent their school days dreaming the same dreams about “being somebody” and making the best music they could.
At least a dozen times on the journey, Toru wanted to tell Hideki the truth, but he couldn’t. This was too wonderful; he hadn’t ever felt this content with anyone, and he wanted to hang onto it just a little while longer.
* * * * *
Ninety minutes flew by like nothing. The more they talked, the closer they became, until it seemed like they’d been friends for years, a feeling Hideki confirmed. “I feel like I've known you my whole life, Ryoko.”
“Or perhaps in another life?” Toru teased. Hideki winked, and Toru was surprised at how it was starting to feel like they’d met in another lifetime completely. As Toruhiko, he didn’t have much of a chance with Hideki. But as Ryoko, he’d managed to spend the entire day with the man and now they were off to spend the rest of the night and the next day at a hot spring.
Before they knew it, the conductor announced their stop in Minakami over the speakers, and the train slowed to stop. Toru and Hideki pushed through the crowd to get onto the platform where the crowd suddenly dissipated.
“I know the best place here -- the Bungen Ryokan,” Hideki explained.
Toru listened and tried to sound like he’d never heard of that inn before. Actually, he’d spent a couple of weekends here in the province to unwind and was familiar with all the hot springs. Hideki had picked an exceptionally nice and luxurious one, but was trying to sound humble about it. Maybe the young man hoped to not make Ryoko feel uncomfortable, or like she might be taking advantage of his money and status.
Hideki really was a wonderful man.
It took a hell of a lot of self-control not to start kissing Hideki as soon as they climbed into the back seat of a taxi. Things got even harder later on when they reached the inn and were shown to their rooms. They were separate rooms at least, but the Bungen was set up like a very traditional ryokan, complete with tatami mats on the floor and nothing but sliding shoji to separate the rooms. Imagining Hideki undressing for bed on the other side of that fragile, almost-but-not-quite see-through screen was going to be torture for Toru.
The woman who showed them up to their rooms disappeared for a moment and then returned with some very warm sake. “There are dressing robes in the closets for when you come down to the springs. The water is very warm and just right this evening,” she said, bowing low as she left.
Toru and Hideki both bowed to her as well.
“Do you want to go down?” Hideki asked.
“Um. Could we wait till tomorrow? It’s been a long day, and I’d hate to think of us relaxing so much that we both drowned.”
Hideki frowned. “If you’re tired, I’ll let you turn in.”
“No, no,” Toru said, reaching out to touch his arm. “I’m not tired, but to be honest, I’m not much of a water person.” He forced a laugh. “I’d much rather sit here with you and listen to you play the guitar.”
“But you have to play, too,” Hideki said, placing some of the large cushions on the floor before the small round table where the sake had been set.
“Well, I’m not very good.”
“I’ll be the judge.”
Toru glanced at the sake and poured Hideki and himself each a glass. “You’ll need this first,” he joked, and Hideki chuckled.
“I bet you kick ass.” Hideki smiled over the rim of the palm-sized saucer and then sipped the warm liquor.
Toru gulped his drink down, feeling the heat of the drink itself, as well as the effects of the sake spread across his chest. “There’s no arguing with you, is there?”
“Nope.” Hideki laughed. Defeated, but happy to be so, Toru reached for his case and pulled out the guitar.
“That explains it -- I just realized why your fingers are rough for a girl,” Hideki said.
“Huh?” Toru gasped. The damn guitar had given him away! Shit! “Uh, Hideki-san, before you say anything, I can explain --”
“Those are calluses from the guitar strings.” Hideki grinned. “I should’ve known.”
“Ah, ha-ha, yes.” Toru could’ve kicked himself right in the ass for almost screwing up the moment. “I try using a lotion to keep my fingers smooth, but it doesn’t work.”
“It’s better to be able to play nice music than have soft fingertips anyway.” Hideki quickly tuned a couple of his acoustic’s strings to match Toru’s guitar. He glanced up and his eyes widened. “Is that a ChildsPrey pick?”
Oh, crap. Toru looked down at the thumbnail-sized piece of thin, black and red plastic.
“That’s a Toru pick,” Hideki gasped. “An official one! How did you get that?”
“I bought it. On the Yahoo auction site. It was one of those silly impulse buys where I just had to outbid the other person.” Toru forced a laugh.
Hideki nodded. “Believe it or not, my friend Sato is like that. When we’re on tour and stuck in the hotel room or backstage before the concert starts, he goes crazy buying stuff online just because it’s there.”
“I’m not that bad,” Toru said, not wanting Ryoko to seem like some silly thing who’d go through his musical earnings in a flash.
“I’m sure you’re not,” Hideki said patting Toru’s hand. He poured them each another drink. “Go on, play me something.”
“I’ll try.”
Toru made it a point to stumble over the opening a few times before slowly picking out an old love song from one of their mutual favorite groups. He fumbled again without trying when Hideki began to softly sing along in that lovely tenor voice of his.
“Sing with me.”
“I couldn’t,” Toru said sipping the sake. “I sing worse than I play.”
“You play fi
ne.”
“You sing. I love your voice.”
Hideki held out his hand. “Can I try one with this?”
Toru nodded and handed the guitar over. Hideki played beautifully, of course. It was a song Toru wasn’t familiar with. “You wrote this?”
Hideki paused and nodded, then sipped his drink. “Just last week. It’s a little rough, but it came to me, so I jotted it down.”
“The beginning is lovely.”
Hideki thanked him, then began again, this time singing along. “That’s about all I have for the lyrics. It’s not that great, but I think it’s good enough to propose for SundayEveryday’s next CD.”
“You wrote it about a love affair that never was?” Toru asked, finishing off another cup of sake.
“No. It came to me as I was watching a movie at my mom’s while I was waiting for her to finish dinner.”
“Oh.” Toru poured himself another drink, then piled two more cushions on the floor and stretched out on his side, his head resting on his elbow. He was captivated once again by Hideki’s innate sensuality as he put the twelve-string back in its case then took out his own guitar. It would be so cool to do something like this often, just get away, stay up all night, and write music together. He tossed back the sake, then sat up and poured another. A gentle lightheadedness swept over him, but he didn’t care. Maybe it would be best to get stinking drunk, pass out, and have Hideki blow Ryoko off because of her bad habits.
Toru stepped off the Pity Me Express when Hideki began to play again. This song was faster, harder and hit him low in the gut, the power and anger that created the melody a very real and tangible thing. He sat up, his gaze locked onto the stern expression Hideki wore as he played.
Just playing a game
No one can win
Hurt me so bad
Drive me away
Touch me tease me
Want to please me
Touch me tease me
Please release me
Toru downed two drinks in quick succession, not really caring what Hideki thought of Ryoko. Toru doubted that he’d noticed, because his eyes were closed now as he sang of the anger tearing him apart -- anger at Toru for coming onto him the way he had that evening at the apartment.
Touch me tease me
Want to please me
Touch me tease me
Please release me
Each word hit Toru like a punch to his gut, forcing the air out of his lungs until he couldn’t breathe.
The song had so much hurt in it, so much anger. It was beautiful and raw, the emotion amplified by the power of Hideki’s voice. He strummed a powerful minor chord and let the notes fade as he reached the end of the song. Not a sound could be heard from anywhere else in the inn. Maybe they’d all stopped whatever it was they were doing to listen too.
After a while, the silence became heavy. Toru remembered to breathe finally and finished the few drops of sake left in his glass.
“You never sing like that in your concerts with the band,” Toru said quietly.
“Things are different with SundayEveryday.” Hideki still hadn’t opened his eyes, his hands resting on the neck and body of the guitar in his lap. “Songs like this are too ...”
“Powerful,” Toru finished the sentence. He thought he’d messed up before. Now it hit Toru just how badly he had fucked things up.
With a sigh, Hideki collapsed backwards. Placing the guitar next to him on the tatami, he draped his forearm over his eyes, but said nothing else. He didn’t have to; the music had already spoken for him.
“Hideki,” Toru whispered. He should leave, he knew that. But he couldn’t bring himself to pick up and go, because no matter how much Hideki hated Toru, Toru loved him.
Against any kind of better judgment, Toru set his empty glass aside and crawled forward. He leaned over Hideki and placed a soft kiss on his lower lip.
Hideki moved his arm, partially sat up, and Toru placed his hand on the younger man’s shoulder. “Ryoko --”
Toru touched his fingertips to Hideki’s lips. “People can be really stupid sometimes. They get caught up in the moment, see things and people the way they want them to be and not how they really are. I’m sure whoever you wrote that song about isn’t an evil person. I think they may have just made a stupid mistake.” He forced a halfhearted smile. “Maybe she was drunk out of her mind and not thinking clearly.”
“But --”
Toru touched Hideki’s lips again. “You don’t need to tell me. It’s your business. The past is past. I just want to be your friend. A good friend for as long as I’m in Tokyo.”
Hideki touched Toru’s wrist and pulled his fingers away. “Ryoko, I’d like that. A lot more than maybe you know.”
“Actually, I have a pretty good idea,” Toru whispered. “It’s hard to find someone you can just be yourself around, and still have their love in return. It gets lonely.”
Dropping back down on the cushions, Hideki closed his eyes. “God,” he breathed. “That’s it exactly.” He tilted his head and looked over at Toru. “It’s like we’ve known each other for so long.”
Dipping down, Toru kissed Hideki on the cheek before the young man could say anything else. “Let’s just enjoy each other’s company tonight,” Toru whispered. “Nothing has to mean more ... or less ... than it does.” He let his lips trail down to Hideki’s chin and then down along his throat to his collarbone. Toru left another kiss on the skin just above where the first button of Hideki’s shirt was still safely fastened, and then he sat up with another half-hearted smile. Toru had fucked things up moving too fast; Ryoko had better sense than that. At least he hoped so.
Chapter Six
“I should let you rest,” Toru said. “It’s pretty late.”
Hideki sat up. “Honestly, I’m not that tired. I usually stay up pretty late due to work and all.”
Toru nodded. “I’m the same way.” Hideki smiled. And Toru fell even more for him.
“We could go for a walk. If you want to.”
Toru smiled and stood. He held his hand out to Hideki, who took it and laughed.
“You make me feel like a slacker as a gentleman.”
“You could never be that,” Toru said, impulsively sweeping a lock of hair from Hideki’s eyes. As he lowered his hand, Hideki grabbed it and kissed his fingers. “Ryoko, if you can’t find what you’re looking for in Tokyo, I hope you find happiness wherever life takes you.” Hideki brought Toru’s hand to his lips and kissed it gently.
“If I didn’t know better, I’d think that sounded like a goodbye.”
Hideki shook his head. “No, it’s just a wish for a friend.”
He guided Toru out of the room and onto the porch outside. The night air here in the mountains was warm, reminding Toru of the feel of Hideki’s breath on his hand. The leaves rustled softly in the trees and plants as they walked down the wooden steps to the garden.
“It’s so beautiful here,” Hideki said as they stepped onto the stone pathway hand-in-hand.
“Especially with the company,” Toru added, giving Hideki’s hand a soft squeeze.
They stopped underneath a mon, a gate made of two red pillars about eight feet tall with a curved arch resting on top. Toru caressed the side of Hideki’s cheek. “Thank you for inviting me.”
“There’s no need to thank me.” They walked on in silence, simply enjoying the warm, peaceful night and each other’s company. When they came upon a small stone bench beneath a towering cedar tree, Hideki motioned for Toru to sit. He remained standing, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans.
Tilting his head back, he gazed up at the sparkling stars a moment then back down to Toru. “As much as I love music and show business, sometimes I wish things had been different. I started performing when I was still in school, you know. I missed a lot of things other people take for granted like the sports and the parties. Having a girlfriend. Sometimes I feel so backward about things.” He paused and breathed a sigh, then looked back up
at the sky.
“I know what you mean,” Toru said. “I worked a lot too growing up. Most of my friends were other people I knew from work. It was hard meeting people to just be with. I met some, of course, and had some good times, but it was just that -- a casual good time, nothing more.”
Hideki grinned and took a seat on the bench. “I feel like I even missed out on the plain old wild, fun times.” He grinned, clearly embarrassed. “I never even kissed a girl ‘til I was nineteen.”
Toru couldn’t help it -- he laughed. The sound burst out of him unexpectedly in his natural voice. Catching himself quickly, he burst into a series of coughs to cover up the masculine tone and covered his mouth with the back of his hand.
Hideki blushed and looked away, resting his forehead in his hand. “Shit,” he mumbled under his breath with an embarrassed smile.
“That I can’t believe,” Toru said as soon as he regained his composure. Not that he’d wanted to make the younger man feel awkward, but by the time Toru had been nineteen, his virginity was long gone.
There were the girls that hung around backstage in the nightclubs his visual kei band, Gothic deSade, played in during those early years. And there were some boys, too, the kind who knew how to use their mouths in ways none of the schoolgirls he’d made out with had. When he joined up with ChildsPrey, Toru had a few flings with Kyoru, nothing serious, but the sex had been great.
Physical pleasure Toru understood well enough. He was old enough now to realize he wanted someone to give his heart to as well as his body.
“You’re too handsome and too good a person, Hideki-san.” Toru smiled at the young man, no trace of laughter on his lips now. “How could anyone resist kissing these lips?” He brushed the tip of his forefinger over the soft swell of Hideki’s lower lip.
“There was never time. I was always busy with school and music.”
“But time isn’t a problem now,” Toru heard his traitorous lips say as his willful body edged closer to the younger man’s.
Hideki stiffened at first when Ryoko kissed him, but he couldn’t push her away. Her lips were so warm, so intent, so experienced, the way that Toru Nakai’s had been, and he wanted that feeling back again, even if it was only a substitute. I’m sorry, Ryoko, he silently apologized, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her deeper.
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