Hideki would never be a part of Toru’s life.
Turning away from the backstage door, Toru jumped down the last two steps and walked into the damp, California night. He made it back to the hotel sober enough to be able to stand, but drunk enough to knock at Kyoru’s room.
The drummer opened the door dressed in nothing but a bathrobe, his hair still wet on the ends after his bath. “Want to spend the night?”
“Yeah.”
Kyoru took him by the hand and pulled him inside.
* * * * *
Hideki untangled Ayumi’s arms from around his neck -- again -- after they reached the hotel and made it past the shrieking fans that couldn’t get into the concert. “Stop, okay? Why are you even here?”
“I want to be with my fiancé!”
“I’m not your fiancé.”
“My father’s magazine says you are.”
“It’s wrong.”
“We’ll see,” she said with a coy grin before trotting ahead to hit the after-concert food and drinks in Kutani’s plush suite.
Hideki let the press and convention staff invited back for the party go ahead; then he ducked into the stairwell and went up to the room he shared with Sato. He took a shower and rang up room service, then pulled out his laptop to check his email. There were over a hundred from Ayumi that he deleted immediately, a bunch from his mom -- again deleted, and some from assorted acquaintances wishing him well in the States. He shut the laptop down without answering any of them, then lay back on the bed and leafed thought the convention program booklet.
A special full color insert had been added, thanking the men of ChildsPrey for agreeing to fill in for the previously scheduled main act at the last moment. There were old and new group shots and individual pictures, and Hideki found himself staring at Toru’s, reaching out to touch his fingertips to the two- dimensional features.
How could Toru have been so deceitful? How could he have played Hideki for such a fool? Had he enjoyed the game that much? Did he have any idea of how it made Hideki feel? “Probably not,” Hideki said miserably, letting the booklet fall to the floor.
* * * * *
Kyoru growled, then got out bed and went straight to the mini-bar in his room. “My left hand asleep gives me more ‘companionship’ than you’re doing.”
“I’m not in the mood.”
“If I was that boy, you would be.” Kyoru smirked when Toru glared at him. “Is that it? Do you want someone virginal and inexperienced?” He laughed. “That is such a waste, and you know it. I can do things to you he can’t even imagine.”
“To me and everyone else in Japan with a cock.” Toru laughed throatily and leaned his head back against the pillows.
“Don’t start getting bitchy with me.” Kyoru popped off the cap to a miniature bottle of Grand Marnier and downed the orange flavored liqueur in two gulps. “I’m not the one having problems getting it up, darling.”
Toru watched the other man toss the empty bottle into the trash and reach for another one. “How the fuck can you drink that sugary shit?”
“What the hell does that have to do with anything?”
“Nothing, forget it.” Toru sighed.
Kyoru tossed Toru’s pants to him. “If you’re going to sulk, go back to your own room.” He rooted in his own pants pockets and brought out a crumpled paper. “I think I’ll call the girls who gave me their room number at the hotel on the other block. I’m sure they’ll be better company than you.”
Toru walked over to the other hotel with him, but didn’t stick around to meet the party girls. Instead, he wandered around the back of the hotel and slipped into the small garden just off the main restaurant. The restaurant was closed for the night, but the walled garden was accessible. A few small tables and chairs were scattered here and there, with an assortment of white painted rocking chairs on the little verandah just outside the restaurant’s glass doors. And seated in one of the chairs, in the darkened corner of the verandah was Hideki Sakae, quietly strumming his acoustic guitar.
Toru leaned against the trunk of a banyan tree and closed his eyes. The music filled the garden and washed over Toru’s senses until his spirit was lost in the melody. Hideki softly brought in the vocals, at first just humming the main chorus, and then gradually building up his voice.
The song was the one Toru had taken a listen to shortly before leaving Japan, only the power of Hideki’s performance in this intimate moonlit garden transcended anything he’d done in the studio to date. The lyrics themselves sounded more haunting -- more emotional than before.
When Hideki finished and the last chord faded into nothingness, Toru couldn’t stop himself from moving around the tree so he would be in full view of the young man.
“This is what you were born to do.” Toru broke the silence first, stuffing his hands into his jeans pockets. “If you believe in destiny, or whatever it is.” He smiled sadly, knowing he wasn’t part of Hideki’s destined future. “You were wonderful tonight. But everyone’s told you that already.”
Hideki stood and watched the faint garden lights play upon Toru’s thin form. He was the most beautiful man Hideki had ever seen. “It’s my job. I do it well, the same as you.”
Toru shrugged. “But it’s more than a job for both of us.”
“I suppose,” Hideki said, setting his guitar on the chair. Though he tried to fight the pull, he couldn’t stop himself from approaching Toru.
“Do you have any idea how fucking sexy you are when you dance?”
Hideki frowned and took a step back. “You’re drunk.”
“Not nearly drunk enough.”
Folding his arms across his chest, Hideki turned away. “Why did you come here?”
“Am I that offensive to you -- you can’t even stand to look at me anymore?”
Hideki bit down on his lower lip and stared down at his shoes. No, that wasn’t it at all. Looking at Toru stole Hideki’s breath, and he would’ve given anything to tell the older man just that. But was the hurt in Toru’s voice a lie now, too?
“I don’t want to play any more games,” Hideki whispered.
“Just one more, for my sake.” Toru pressed close from behind, his arms wrapping around Hideki’s shoulders. His lips brushed the back of Hideki’s neck in only the faintest hint of a kiss, his breath carrying the fruity scent of wine. “Pretend you don’t hate me so much ... and that if things were a little different, we wouldn’t have to say goodbye.”
“It’s too late for that, isn’t it?” Hideki turned and found his lips irresistibly close to Toru’s. God, the man’s mouth was incredible in so many ways. He closed his eyes a moment, remembering the feel of those lips and the intimate kisses they’d given.
“You once told me you were a Buck-Tick fan.”
Hideki opened his eyes. “What? Yes, but --”
“Just One More Kiss...” Softly, he sang the words as they were in the song and captured Hideki’s mouth with his own.
Their lips slowly worked apart as the kiss deepened. Toru tugged on Hideki’s lower lip almost playfully, his tongue sliding across the soft skin. When the man pulled away, Hideki sighed. He hadn’t noticed until now that he’d even been holding his breath.
Toru caressed Hideki’s cheek and then leaned in for another kiss. This one was just a gentle press of his closed lips against Hideki’s, but if anything, the touch felt more intimate -- more emotional.
“I’m sorry I put you through all of this.” Toru dropped his hand to cradle the back of Hideki’s neck. “You don’t have to forgive me, but at least know that I am sorry.”
“Sorry for lying or getting caught?” Hideki blurted, spurred by wounded pride and the unspoken fear of what the truth might mean for his career.
“Hey! There you are!”
Hideki jumped back and looked toward the rear of the garden. On the other side of the low wall, Toru’s band mate and two American women, all three drunk and giddy, motioned for Toru to join them.
“Congratulat
ions on that engagement,” Toru said simply, before disappearing through the gate.
Hideki followed and watched Toru slip his arm around one of the girls’ waists and accept her groping touches.
Out of sight of the garden, Toru broke away from the girl. “Not interested,” he muttered in English.
“I can make you interested, To-chan.”
He silenced the girl with a look, and Kyoru was only too quick to step in and slip his free arm around her. “I am interested. You two give me a private English lesson, yes?”
“Very private,” the girl said with a laugh.
Chapter Thirteen
Jun was waiting in the hotel lobby, sipping a cup of tea when Toru returned. “Where’s Kyo-kun?”
Toru shrugged. “He found women.”
Jun cursed under his breath. “That little shit better not be too hung over to play tomorrow.”
“I’m sure he’ll be all right. It’s not the first time he’s done this on tour.”
“But it’s the first time you haven’t joined him,” Jun said, following Toru into the elevator.
Toru gave him a cold look but said nothing. The elevator doors slid closed, and Toru leaned against the polished brass back wall. “I saw Hideki. I apologized. Said goodbye.”
“So it’s finally over? Good. It’s for the best.”
“Of course it is.”
Jun watched his old friend trudge into his room like a condemned man headed to prison.
* * * * *
The following morning, a press conference was held at the anime con’s media room for all the bands participating in the event. The area had been set up with three long tables arranged in a U-shape at the front of the room, the reporters and magazine photographers clustered in the middle. A few VIP fans and convention attendees were allowed to hang out in the back of the room just behind a thin red rope that separated them from the media “pit.”
As ChildsPrey filed into the crowded room and took their spots at one of the tables, Jun caught sight of SundayEveryday in the row directly across from them. He cursed under his breath and glanced over at Toru, who was dropping into a chair one place down from him. The bassist actually seemed okay about everything. At least on the outside.
Toru hadn’t said more than two or three words since the band met up in the hotel’s restaurant for breakfast, and was still all but silent now. Kyoru lumped into the chair between them, his face half-hidden behind a pair of large sunglasses. The drummer looked pale and smiled only half-heartedly at the fans who called out his name.
“I feel like shit,” Kyoru mumbled and waved at the girls weakly.
“Hey -- I warned you about getting a hangover,” Jun said, testy with the drummer’s recklessness.
“Yeah, yeah.” Kyoru sighed. “I’ll be fine later, don’t worry.”
Toru was staring at the print out of translated questions from the reporters and didn’t acknowledge the fans who called out to him at all. He glanced up when one of the photographers asked if Hideki and Sato could pose for a pic, but then went back to pretending to be engrossed with the sheet of paper.
“Hideki-san. It’s been reported in the Japanese press that you’re marrying next summer. Do you feel that will injure your popularity with the fans?”
“There has been no official announcement, but if one of us were to find love I would think our fans would be happy for us. They follow us because they like our music, I hope.”
When the translator relayed Hideki’s reply, the gathering of girls at the back of the room cheered and chanted, “We love your singing, Hideki!”
Toru glanced up and was more than a little surprised to find Hideki’s gaze upon him from across the room. He looked away, thankful for the questions that were directed to ChildsPrey.
* * * * *
“We’re heading over to the theater?” Imai asked Jun when the press conference broke up.
Jun nodded. “You guys go on ahead. I’ll catch up.”
Grinning, Koji nudged him with his elbow. “You’re gonna go to the dealers’ room and check out that yaoi doujinshi they have of us, right?”
Jun rolled his eyes. “Yeah. Rumiko gets a kick out of it, especially the ones that have us all in a wild orgy.”
“Those were the good old days,” Kyoru said, punching Toru in the arm.
“Fuck off,” the bassist growled.
“Come on, you guys ...” Jun’s voice trailed off as his band mates dispersed without further incident. Though Toru was the one who’d founded the group, it had fallen to Jun, as the “mature settled one,” to be the band’s leader-sama. He took the role seriously, even when it felt as though he was more like a mother soothing bruised egos and breaking up bouts of sibling rivalry. Personally, he liked to think of himself as the figurative “older brother,” and that -- and his wife’s trans-Pacific nagging -- made him linger and approach Hideki Sakae.
He was intercepted by SundayEveryday’s manager. “I’m sorry, but my boys have an appearance to get ready for.”
“This will take just a minute of Sakae-san’s time.”
“Forgive me, but that’s impossible.”
Jun removed his sunglasses. “Look --”
“Ikeda-san,” Hideki said, placing himself between his manager and Jun. “It’s all right. I’ll meet you all outside.” When the older man left, Hideki turned to Jun. “Is there something you wanted to ask me?”
Jun hesitated. This really wasn’t his business, no matter what Rumiko said.
He debated just wishing the boy luck with his career and bolting for the door. “Hideki-kun, you’re doing such a wonderful job with your music,” Jun said, clapping the younger musician on the shoulder. He might’ve left it at that, but then Jun pictured his wife’s scowling face, and the desire to keep his nose out of this business waffled.
Rumiko was a wonderful woman who put up with enough of Jun’s shit most of the time, but when she got pissed off enough ...
“Thank you, Jun-san.” Hideki gave a short bow and waited to see if the man would say anything else.
Jun sighed. “There was something else I wanted to ask you about.”
The small, forced smile on Hideki’s lips faded.
“Please, just listen,” Jun went on, quickly. “The way things happened with Toru, you must think he’s the worst kind of liar. But if you knew him a little better, you’d realize how much he cares for you, Hideki-kun. He’s never been this close ... or as in love with someone, as he is with you.”
Jun paused, and Hideki looked away, his hands shoved into his pockets. When the boy said nothing, Jun continued. “Toru tells me that last night he ended everything between you two, and that’s fine -- I’ll accept that, if it’s true.” He frowned. “But I see he’s still hurting inside, and it’s affecting even his music. It’s almost like part of his soul is missing without you.”
“But ...”
As Hideki searched for the words, his manager and some girl rushed forward. The girl began blabbering at Hideki. “Don’t talk to him; they’re has-beens. You’re a big star.”
The manager cornered Jun. “I must respectfully ask you leave Sakae-san alone now. Or we will be forced to take legal action.”
Scowling, Jun backed away, his hands raised in defeat. “Screw it.”
Hideki watched the rocker stride away, and he pulled away from Ayumi’s clutching hands. “I’m going to the hotel. I don’t feel well.”
* * * * *
Waiting for Jun to join them at the theater, Toru spent the time mentally preparing himself for that night’s show. He owed the fans their money’s worth even if he felt like shit. He’d wanted the band to go international from day one, and last year’s concerts in Germany and France were just the beginning.
Jun came in holding up an envelope. “They tallied those votes at the convention. The fans have spoken about the song they most want us to play.”
All eyes turned to Toru and he knew the answer even before Jun took the paper from the envelope. “Orange
Moon.”
Jun held the slip of paper up for them all to see. “Yeah. You all right with it?”
Toru nodded. “Yeah.”
* * * * *
They spent the rest of the day as they did for most shows, doing last minute instrument tuning and set up, taking their positions for a quick run-through of the lighting effects, and then performing a last sound check. They could hear the chant of the fans lined up outside as they ran through another fan favorite -- the hard rocking, head-banging Killer Void.
And later when the house lights went down and the curtain rose, Toru lost himself in the driving rhythm, letting the music fill the dark, empty place that wanted to gnaw him away inside.
He and the others played to the crowd as they always did, only this time it was like back in the old days when they were new on the scene and the onstage antics between them fueled the crowd as much as the music. Over the years, they’d pulled away from the crazy costumes and the homoerotic “fanservice,” but tonight nearly all the stops were out, and he flirted openly with Koji, Jun, and Imai and blew kisses back to Kyoru. The crowd ate it up, and Toru found himself laughing along with his friends. As the show wound down and they slipped backstage for a quick break before doing their signature five song encore, he found that he wasn’t even dreading playing the emotional Orange Moon.
When the time came, he took a seat at the piano that had been wheeled out on the opposite side of the stage and began a slow introduction, much as he had that time at the wedding. The crowd quieted down, save for chants of “ChildsPrey” and the occasional shouts of their individual names. Toru closed his eyes when the rest of the band joined in and let the slow pulsing melody take him away.
He faltered when, expecting to hear Jun’s distinctive voice, another voice began to sing. Toru glanced around, not really believing his ears, and even now he couldn’t quite believe his eyes. A murmur rose up in the crowd, but the band, including Toru, played on, as if to do anything else would end this unusual moment.
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