‘Oh Electra, I’m so sorry,’ Fi said, and I realised there were tears in her eyes too. Which made my own waterworks start all over again.
‘And, like, all the sisters, they were grieving for him too,’ I said, ‘and I guess I thought that they all felt they had more of a claim on him than I did, because they knew that we fell out and I hadn’t been around, and I just felt excluded all over again.’
‘Your relationship with your sisters is something else we can work through if you want to?’
I nodded, blowing my nose hard. ‘Yeah, why not? We’re covering all bases, aren’t we?’
‘I’d also like you to think about whether you feel there is a connection between the relationship you had with your sisters, and how you gravitated towards an already established group of girls when you went to boarding school. You could have singled out a girl who might have made you a best friend, but perhaps you were used to being in a pack?’
‘Hey, I never thought of it like that before, but yeah, you could be right.’
‘And that the natural relationship you’d had with your siblings all through your childhood made your expectations of the new group you were joining unrealistic.’
‘You mean I expected them to love me and accept me because my sisters did? That I was blind to who they really were?’
‘Perhaps. Well now, think that one through, and that is enough for today,’ said Fi, looking at the clock. I saw that, amazingly, we were three minutes over. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, but Electra, you’re making amazing progress.’ Fi stood up with me, then held out her arms to give me a hug. ‘Seriously, I’m proud of you.’
‘Thanks,’ I said, and hurried out before I burst into tears all over again.
‘I’m going to miss you so much, Electra,’ Lizzie said as we drove out of The Ranch on Saturday (the first time I had done so since I’d arrived nearly four weeks ago).
‘Hey, we’ve only just passed the gate and we have a whole day together, remember?’ I said, feeling dazed as we hit the open desert road.
‘Yes, and I must enjoy it,’ Lizzie agreed. ‘I feel like we’re those two women in that film – what was it called? Thelma and Louise. That was it! Have you ever seen it?’
‘Maybe. Wasn’t it about two women who stole things and then drove their car over a cliff?’
‘That’s the one, yes,’ Lizzie giggled. ‘Don’t worry, I hope our little adventure won’t come to that, although it did feel like you were making the great escape.’
‘It’s crazy, having to check out for the day so I won’t sue them if I fall off a horse!’ I laughed.
‘But you will go back, won’t you?’
‘Yeah, course I will, I’m not quite finished there yet, but I’m getting real close.’
‘Hopefully you’ll know when you’re ready, unlike me, who had to be kicked out. These places can get addictive, you know, especially to addicts.’
‘It’s not just being at The Ranch for me; it’s this!’ I said as I opened my arms wide, embracing my surroundings. ‘I feel so free!’
‘So do I! Woo hoo! Let’s ride!’ Lizzie put her foot down and the powerful open-topped Mercedes sped us through the incredible Arizona landscape. The air shimmered with heat and tall cacti sat jaggedly in the orange earth, their arms reaching up to the blue sky. Brilliant golden flowers ran riot through the rough green bushes that gripped the desert sand, and I could see the odd rabbit scurrying to safety as our car approached. I’d previously pictured deserts as empty landscapes, but this was teeming with life and colour.
‘It’s always reminded me of Africa – the red dust and the wide-open spaces,’ said Lizzie. ‘Have you ever been there?’
‘No.’
As Lizzie drove, I thought again about Stella and the story she had started to tell me about the woman called Cecily who had fled to Kenya when her fiancé had dumped her. I had no idea how her story was related to mine, but I had to presume that it was. That probably meant that Africa was where I had come from. Which was maybe why, if Lizzie said Arizona was like Africa, I liked it here too.
‘Electra? Which way?’
‘Sorry, I zoned out there for a while.’ I looked down at the little map Hank had drawn for me. ‘Keep heading for Tucson and then we hang a right at the signpost for the mountain park.’
A few minutes later, the sign appeared in front of us and we turned off the main highway, heading for the mountains. Eventually, we saw a small sign for the Hacienda Orchídea and bumped down a narrow dusty track, which looked as though it was leading nowhere.
‘Goodness, this really isn’t the right vehicle to be in,’ joked Lizzie as the low-slung car scraped through the potholes. ‘Are you sure this is the right way?’
‘Yes, look.’ I pointed between a couple of huge cacti at a horse grazing in a fenced-off field. A little further along, a low-roofed building came into view.
Lizzie pulled up in front of it and we both got out of the Mercedes.
‘I hope the horses are fit, because I’m not sure this set of tyres is going to get me back to LA and I might have to ride back home,’ she giggled.
There were no signs telling us where to go, so we walked up the steps onto a wide veranda, shielded from the sun by an oversized roof and filled with huge turquoise planters of oleander. A long rustic wooden table and chairs sat on the deck and as I looked at the desert plain that led up to the mountains, I found myself imagining balmy nights sitting out here, eating in perfect solitude.
‘Hi there!’ A man opened the door before Lizzie had raised her hand to knock. ‘You two the friends of Hank?’
I looked up at him, wondering if all men in Arizona were built tall and handsome – this one looked Latino, with his dark skin, brown eyes and head of shiny blue-black hair. ‘Yup, that’s us.’
‘Welcome to the Hacienda Orchídea,’ he said, extending an arm. ‘I’m Manuel. Can I get you a cool drink before I take you around to the stables?’ he asked as he led us both inside. The temperature dropped by several degrees, due to the air conditioning.
‘Thanks,’ Lizzie answered as I looked around.
If I had been expecting a rancher’s shack that smelt of horses and dogs, I could not have been more wrong. I was standing in a huge square room with two walls made entirely of glass, which gave glorious views of the mountains at the back of the house. Colourful indigenous plants and flowers wrapped around the house, and I could see more horses grazing in a paddock in the distance.
The floor was made of shiny red wood and in the centre of the space there was a huge stone chimneybreast, with big comfortable couches on either side of it. There was a kitchen area as well, filled with sleek, shiny units, which reminded me of my apartment in New York.
‘Wow! What an amazing place you have here,’ I said as he poured water and ice from the refrigerator into two glasses.
‘Glad you like it,’ Manuel smiled. ‘My wife, she design all this. She is talented, sí?’
‘Very,’ said Lizzie, joining us as we gazed out of the back window onto the mountains. There was another large veranda beyond the kitchen and Manuel opened the glass door, indicating that we should follow him. Again, the space was covered by an oversized roof and I could hear water playing in the background as we sat down at a curved wooden table that looked as if it had been carved whole from an ancient tree trunk.
‘Is there a stream round here?’ I asked him.
‘No, but my wife, she says hearing water makes one feel cool, so we had that piped from the house.’ Manuel pointed to a rectangular stone-clad pond in which large koi carp were meandering. It was surrounded by blooms of hibiscus and oleander and I thought it was one of the prettiest things I had ever seen.
As I lifted the glass of water to my lips, the clink of the ice made every inch of me long for the burn of alcohol. But I told myself that I was in my first social situation outside The Ranch, and it was going to be tough.
I took a deep breath and grabbed a handful of the chips Manuel had put on the t
able. At least they had a slightly spicy taste to them – for some reason spice helped stem the cravings – and I swallowed a mouthful fast, hoping I wouldn’t end up back in here in a few months’ time with a food addiction like Lizzie.
‘Manuel, this is the most delightful place I think I’ve ever seen,’ Lizzie said. ‘How did you find it?’
‘It was my father’s ranch, and his father’s before him. He died two years ago and I inherit it. My father, he had sold off much land by the time he died, and what’s left is not enough to run as a business. My wife, Sammi, and I decide we should put in all our savings and renovate it as a private home for someone who want to keep a few horses. But so far, no luck.’
‘It’s for sale?’ I asked him.
‘Sí, señorita. Sammi and I live in the city – she has the interior design business and I work in construction,’ he explained. ‘Okay, you ready for a ride now?’
‘Yes,’ I said, standing up eagerly and hoping I wouldn’t decide to canter off straight back to the liquor store we’d passed in Tucson, because the craving for alcohol was now something else.
‘Goodness me,’ said Lizzie, as we followed Manuel off the veranda in the direction of a newly built stable block. ‘This place is just magical, isn’t it? I could so live here, couldn’t you?’
The answer was an enormous yes, but I could only nod as a bottle of Grey Goose came into view in my imagination.
‘You okay?’ Lizzie looked at me.
‘Yeah, I will be.’
She grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze. ‘One day at a time. The first trip out is the hardest of all. You’re doing so, so well,’ she whispered as we reached the stable and Manuel handed us boots and riding hats.
‘So you don’t run this as a proper stable?’ I asked.
‘No, but at weekends I like to leave the city and come here to ride out.’
‘You won’t have that option when it’s sold, though, will you?’ said Lizzie pragmatically.
‘Oh, we will keep enough land back for a small paddock and we will renovate the shack just behind it.’ Manuel pointed across the flat red plain to a tumbledown wooden building some hundred yards beyond the stables. ‘We wait for the sale of the big house to give us the cash to do it,’ he shrugged as he put on his own hat. ‘Now, when Hank call me to ask if I will take you out, he say you are both strong riders.’
‘That might be an exaggeration for me,’ Lizzie said, rolling her eyes. ‘I haven’t been on a horse for almost thirty years.’
‘Then I will give you Jenny. She is very gentle. And you, Electra?’
‘The same as Lizzie, but it hasn’t quite been that long for me.’
‘Charmed, I’m sure.’ Lizzie stuck her tongue out at me as Manuel led Jenny out of the stables and handed her the reins.
‘How about Hector?’ Manuel beckoned me over to a huge black horse who was moving restlessly around his box.
‘I’ll give him a go,’ I said.
‘He’s fine once he know who is boss. And you look like a boss girl to me.’
‘Do I?’
‘Sí, like my Sammi is the boss girl,’ Manuel clarified as he grabbed the reins and drew Hector out of the stable. ‘Now, you climb on, okay?’
As we clopped out of the courtyard behind him, Hector did a lot of whinnying and tossing of his head, while I tried to find my seat on top of him.
‘Okay, so we go slowly at first, and then we see,’ Manuel suggested as he pulled up next to us.
I watched Lizzie move ahead of us and thought how elegant she looked on horseback.
‘She is English, your friend?’
‘She is.’
‘Hah! I can tell from the way she sits on the horse.’
‘Whereas I’m a mess, I know,’ I said as Hector threw his head back impatiently.
‘He will calm down once we are on the move. He just like to go fast.’
It took a good fifteen minutes before I got the hang of Hector, and when I did, Manuel signalled to me.
‘So, now we can go.’
Manuel and I arrived back a couple of hours later, filthy from the red dust, which I could taste on my lips. But wow, I felt euphoric. After setting off at a polite trot, I’d begun to feel the thrum of Hector’s engine revving up beneath me. I’d glanced at Manuel, who’d nodded, obviously confident in my riding skills, and let Hector take the lead. We’d flown across this magnificent plain, and I thought I couldn’t remember feeling happier in a very long time. I was free, yet in control, and it was incredible.
‘Did you enjoy that?’ Lizzie asked as I clopped back into the yard, shadowed by Manuel. She had turned back twenty minutes before us.
‘Oh wow, Lizzie, I just adored it,’ I said as I dismounted. ‘Sorry if we went too fast.’
‘Not at all, it was fantastic to watch you both. Sedate point-to-points were more my thing in England. You’re a natural, isn’t she, Manuel?’
‘She is,’ Manuel smiled. ‘Now, time for a cool beer.’
After Lizzie and I had taken ourselves into the big, modern bathroom to wash the dust from our faces (and had a sneaky peek into the incredible master bedroom, which faced the mountains and had a plunge pool built into a small enclosed terrace just beyond the glass wall), we joined Manuel on the veranda and sat down.
He was already halfway through a beer and there were two more on the table, along with a jug of water.
‘You want?’ He indicated the beers.
‘Thanks,’ Lizzie said, taking one.
‘Er . . .’ I swallowed hard. ‘No thanks. I’ll stick to water.’
Lizzie turned and gave me a look of approval as I poured myself a glass from the jug. I had to get used to the fact that people would be drinking around me constantly when I went back to my old life. The good news was that I was getting a soft entry, as beer was not a drink I liked. I let Lizzie’s and Manuel’s voices wash over me as I breathed deeply, took in the view and enjoyed the desert breeze.
‘Now, ladies, I am sorry to tell you, but I must leave,’ Manuel said eventually. ‘Sammi and I have a dinner party in the city this evening.’
‘Of course, and thank you so much for today,’ said Lizzie, draining her beer. ‘And your house is absolutely beautiful. I hope you sell it soon,’ she added as we walked back through the house towards the front door.
‘We hope so too. We borrow the money to do it when things were good and now . . . well,’ he said as he opened the front door, then shook both our hands. ‘It was a pleasure meeting both of you.’
‘And you,’ Lizzie said as she headed down the steps.
‘Maybe I could come again?’ I said, as Manuel locked up the house and we walked to his jeep, which was parked next to Lizzie’s car.
‘Of course, I am always here at weekends.’
‘Okay, do you have a cell phone number?’
‘Just ask Hank, he will have it. Hasta luego, Electra, Lizzie.’
We followed Manuel’s jeep back into the city, and I watched as the desert sky around me began to turn different shades of magenta and purple as the sun prepared to retire for the night.
‘I think I need one of those cars,’ I said as Manuel put a hand out of his window and waved as he turned right and we carried straight on.
‘What for?’ Lizzie asked me.
‘For driving in and out of the city, of course. When I get back to The Ranch, I need to call my business manager.’
‘Why?’
I turned to her and smiled.
‘Because I’m going to buy that house.’
As it was a Saturday, there were no therapists on duty, and there was another group outing to the local cinema, so The Ranch was blissfully quiet. So far, I’d liked it best at weekends because there were no therapy sessions, but tonight I found myself wanting to tell Fi, or at least someone, about my amazing day. After dinner in the almost deserted canteen, I went back to my dorm, thinking I needed to finish my apology letters and have them mailed. I’d decided there was also one to write
to Susie, my agent, and another to dear, sweet Mariam.
Vanessa was lying on her bed with her headphones on, staring at the ceiling as usual. I’d seen her with Miles, sitting in the Serenity Garden after I’d had a tearful goodbye with Lizzie and was walking back inside. I sat down in the chair and pulled paper, pen and envelopes out of the desk drawer.
‘Where’d you go today?’ Vanessa asked, startling me because she spoke so rarely.
‘I went out riding.’
‘They let you outta here? Alone?’
‘Yeah, but I was with Lizzie. We’re not prisoners in here, you know,’ I reminded her. ‘We can walk out of the door anytime we want.’
‘Yeah, I so would, but I ain’t got no place to go.’
‘You’re homeless?’
‘No, but I can’t go back there no more. He’d kill me.’
‘Who’s he?’
‘My boy, Tyler. He ain’t good news. You ever had a guy rough you up?’
‘No, I haven’t.’
‘Then you lucky, girl.’
‘So what will you do?’
Vanessa shrugged. ‘Miles said he’d help me find a place in the city, and a job. But I never finished high school and I’m never gonna get my diploma.’
‘Miles?’
‘Yeah, he’s the one who picked me up off the streets and brought me with him to this place. He’s payin’ for everythin’, but that don’t make him Jesus Christ my Saviour,’ she muttered.
‘Right,’ I replied neutrally. I was out of my depth with this girl and I knew it. ‘You doing all right now with the detox?’
‘Yeah, they pump you full of gear to get you off the gear!’ A glimmer of a smile came to Vanessa’s lips. ‘But as soon as I’m back in the city, I’ll be back on it.’
‘If Miles says he can get you a job and some place to live, then you have to trust him.’
A ‘humpf’ emanated from Vanessa as she rolled her eyes and stuck her headphones back on. I looked at the pen and paper, then put it all back in the drawer and left the dorm to get some fresh air. I’ve never felt more like a privileged princess than I do at this moment, I thought as I went outside to the Serenity Garden and sat down on a bench. And what made it even worse was that I had been aware of the drugs and prostitution that hummed in the background of my daily life in New York. Yet up to now, it had only ever been a hum.
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