‘Excuse me while I leave you girls together and go and wash up too.’
‘I ain’t never been outside Manhattan, apart from coming here, and this ain’t like no emergency room I ever visited.’ Vanessa rolled her eyes as Miles left. ‘Do I have to screw someone to pay for it?’
‘No, it’s all paid for, Vanessa,’ I reassured her as I watched her nod and her eyes began to droop like a puppy who had woken up to play and had suddenly run out of energy. It was difficult to believe that the sullen young woman I’d slept next to in rehab had tried to take her own life last night, and woken up this morning seemingly so happy . . .
Maybe it was the fact that both Miles and I were there for her. Or – my heart sank at the thought – was it more to do with the fact that she was probably on some kind of opiate for the pain and her brain was simply reacting to the stimulant?
‘She’s sleeping again,’ I said as Miles reappeared at the same time as a nurse came with the coffee. I gulped back the hot liquid after lacing it with sugar to replace my morning carbs. ‘What happens next, do you think?’
‘When I talked to the doctor last night, he said that the psych team will come to assess her. We both know that what happened last night was no practice run.’
‘And after that?’
‘I’m not sure, but as I said the other night, she needs more than a serenity prayer and petting some horses to steer her back. Maybe once she’s recovered and out of here the doc said that a spell in long-term rehab is the way forward. She did have a social worker back in Manhattan, though once she turned eighteen a couple months back, technically she’s no longer a juvenile, but I’m going to contact her anyway. In special circumstances, the care team can apply for an extension to maintain the supervision until she’s twenty-one. In basic terms, it means the state would pay for any help she needs.’
‘Hey, I don’t know anything about all that but I just think she needs to feel loved.’
‘You’re right, Electra, she certainly does, and that’s not something you can buy.’
‘I . . . what if I took her back to New York to live with me? I could take care of her.’
There was a pause as Miles turned to look at me, his expression one of shock and disbelief.
‘Are you crazy?! You’re a top model who spends her life flying around the world in private jets! You don’t have the time to give her what she needs. Besides’ – he lowered his voice as Vanessa shifted position – ‘you can’t put someone into that life when they have no hope of keeping it.’
‘You have no idea what I may or may not want to do with my future once I get out of here,’ I hissed back.
‘I . . . Look, let’s talk about this later, okay? This is no fairy tale, Electra, and Vanessa isn’t Cinderella. You can’t mess with her as though she’s a project you can forget about when you’ve lost interest.’
My cup clattered into the saucer as anger rose up in inside me.
‘Jesus, Miles! I’m only trying to help! Anyway,’ I added, trying to control myself, ‘you should know that I’m checking out of The Ranch today.’
‘Oh yeah?’
‘Oh yeah. I’m about as fixed as I can be for now and I’ve got stuff to get on with. A life to lead,’ I said as my hands clutched the coffee cup for some kind of moral support. I stood up and manoeuvred past him. ‘I’m gonna go find the doctor.’
‘Okay,’ Miles sighed. ‘You do what you’ve gotta do.’
‘I will,’ I said, marching to the door.
‘Just one thing before you leave, Electra.’
‘What?’
‘I wouldn’t step outside the front of the hospital right now. There’s a load of paps waiting to catch a glimpse of you.’
Because I was trying to be quiet for Vanessa’s sake, I didn’t even have the pleasure of slamming the door behind me as I walked towards the nurses’ station and asked if I could see the doctor in charge.
The woman made some calls, then nodded. ‘He’s on his rounds just now, honey. He shouldn’t be too long.’
With nowhere else to go, I retreated into the restroom and sat on the tiled floor to seethe. I just couldn’t work Miles out. Last night, I’d felt so close to him; sitting there with my head on his shoulder and his arm around me had felt natural. And now this morning . . . I let out a howl of frustration.
I took some deep breaths to calm down, and tried to get my brain into gear without the purple haze of the initial anger. I eventually realised he was trying to tell me that if I took Vanessa on, she would need all I had to give her, perhaps for a lifetime. She wasn’t like a novelty toy that I could just pick up then drop when I’d finished with it. She was a living, breathing and seriously damaged human being . . . And I was also a living, breathing, damaged human being . . .
‘Miss D’Aplièse?’ came a voice from the other side of the door.
‘Yes?’
‘Do you mind coming out for a quick chat?’
I recognised Dr Cole’s gentle voice.
‘Sure,’ I said, and opened the door to step outside.
‘Hello,’ he smiled at me. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Yeah, I’m fine. How is she?’
‘Vanessa is doing very well. Physically, anyway. She should be out of here in a couple of days and then ideally, depending on what the psych team here and then her social worker say, she’ll need to spend some time in a specialised institution that can really help her.’
‘Do you think Vanessa is . . . well, saveable?’
Dr Cole sighed. ‘Where there’s life, there’s always hope. I’m sure you’ve been made aware that every addict is somewhere on a spectrum. Some are lucky and get caught early on, and others, like Vanessa, are right at the end and are hardest of all to turn around. The good news is that The Ranch has begun that process, but now, she needs to continue in some form of medium- to long-term programme that she can integrate into her life when she leaves. She will need to do that in or near Manhattan. Not least because that’s where her funding is based, if her social worker can get her state care extended.’
‘I can help if necessary, Dr Cole.’
‘And that’s more than generous of you, ma’am, but the State has got the dollars to fund the help she needs. It’s a case of working through the red tape and having a strong arm on your side. There’s a lot of misappropriation and corruption in the various government departments, but your friend Miles seems to know what he’s doing there. Anyway,’ he smiled, ‘it’s good of you to take an interest in Vanessa and be prepared to help her.’
‘Well, I was given help myself not so long ago,’ I said. ‘Please keep her here for as long as she needs. You have my cell number, don’t you?’
‘It’s on the records, yes. And now, you must excuse me, I’ve got to get round to see other patients. Goodbye.’
He nodded at me and walked away, and I went back into my ‘office’ in the restroom and dialled Mariam’s number.
‘Hello, Electra. How is your friend?’ Mariam asked me before I’d said a word.
‘Oh, she’s out of danger now, thanks. Actually, I was just wondering if you could look at flights back to New York for me?’
‘For when?’
‘Tomorrow morning if possible. I was coming out Thursday anyway as you know, so it’s only a day earlier.’
There was a slight pause on the line.
‘Okay. Are we talking by private jet here?’
‘Probably.’ I thought about the crowd of paps that were apparently stationed outside the hospital.
‘What time would suit?’
‘I don’t know, around noon? That will get me in for about ten p.m.’
‘No problem. I . . . Are you sure you don’t want me to fly down and accompany you back, Electra?’
‘I have flown alone before, Mariam, and I’m not sick or anything. Besides, it’s a long way for you to come.’
‘I’m happy to do it if you need me.’
‘Thanks, I appreciate that, but I’m sure I’ll be fine.
’
‘Okay, I’ll check everything out and give you a call back between seven and eight when you have your cell phone.’
‘Oh, don’t worry about that. I’m going back to The Ranch to see my therapist now and I’m sure she’ll let me have my cell for the day. Bye, Mariam.’
As I walked back to Vanessa’s room, I wondered whether Mariam’s eagerness to accompany me home was because she cared, or because she was worried I might have drunk the on-board bar dry by the time I landed in New York.
I wondered whether I would too, but I had to face temptation alone some time.
Vanessa was sitting up in bed, picking at her breakfast of juice and a pastry. I was happy to see that the line was out of her arm and only the blood pressure monitor remained on her finger. She didn’t look as perky as she had earlier, so maybe grim reality was starting to set back in.
‘Hi,’ I said. ‘How are you?’
‘’Kay, thanks.’
‘She’s worried about the psych team coming to evaluate her,’ commented Miles from the other side of the bed.
‘Yeah, I ain’t going to no nuthouse. I might be a junkie, but I ain’t loco.’ Vanessa shuddered. ‘You won’t let them lock me away somewhere like that, will you, ’Lectra?’
‘Everyone is only trying to help you, Vanessa,’ I said, ‘and you’re going to have to trust them, okay?’
‘Yeah, but they’re not gonna lock me up in an asylum or nothin’, are they?’ she repeated.
‘Listen . . .’ I could see that Vanessa was getting worked up. ‘I just spoke to that nice doctor who admitted you last night. We talked about trying to find you a facility nearer Manhattan that can give you the help you need. It would be like The Ranch, but without the horses,’ I joked. ‘Miles and I got scared last night and we don’t want that happening to you again.’
Vanessa stared at me hard. ‘An’ why would you care what happens to me? You, with all your dollars in the bank?’
‘Because I do. And so does Miles. And you have to trust us and the doctors who all want to help you.’
‘Why should I trust you any more than I trusted Tyler? He said he’d look after me, but he just got me hooked on the junk.’
‘Because I said I wouldn’t leave your side last night, and I didn’t. At the end of the day, you’ve got two choices: you trust us and the professionals who want to help you, or you go back to your old life.’
‘Or I end it and leave you all behind,’ Vanessa muttered.
‘Remember, you’re doing well,’ said Miles. ‘You’ve been off the hard stuff for almost two weeks now.’
‘Yeah, and it worked out so good I tried to kill myself.’ Vanessa rolled her eyes, pushed her breakfast tray away and stared at the ceiling.
I looked at Miles for guidance.
‘Me and Electra are just gonna go out and have a chat,’ he said, standing up.
‘Yeah, you guys had enough of me already, see?’
I opened my mouth to speak but Miles shook his head and I followed him out of the door.
‘Shit! She’s so negative!’
‘The doc says she’s got post-withdrawal depression and she needs a shrink to prescribe her some meds that will help.’
‘But the doc also said that Vanessa is off the junk now and just needs the right help and support to keep her off. So that’s got to be positive.’
‘Yeah. Look, I’m sorry I lost it earlier, Electra. I know you only want to help her.’
‘Yeah, I do, but I understand she needs more than I can give her.’ I felt so tired, physically and mentally, that I was swaying where I stood.
‘Why don’t you go back and get some sleep? I’ll stay with her. One of The Ranch nurses has arrived to drive you back in their jeep. There’s nothing more you can do here.’
‘I will. I feel totally out of it, to be honest. I’ll come say goodbye to Vanessa first.’
‘Okay, then I’ll just use the facilities while you do.’ He smiled at me and walked off down the corridor.
‘Vanessa? Are you awake?’ I asked as I stood looking at her. I got a shrug in return. ‘Listen, I just wanted to tell you that the doc says you’ll be out of here as soon as you’re feeling better.’
‘An’ then they send me to a funny farm, right?’
‘No, Vanessa, I swear on my life I won’t let that happen to you. I’m going back to New York tomorrow and—’
‘So you’re leavin’ me after all?’
‘No! I’m going back so I can sort stuff out to help you. And other kids like you who get into trouble. Please, Vanessa, trust me. Miles and I are gonna make sure you get the best care we can find. I won’t abandon you, I swear.’
‘Then take me with you. I wanna get outta here now,’ Vanessa moaned.
‘Listen to me now, and listen good,’ I said, my grandmother’s words suddenly coming to mind. ‘You’ve had a shit time, but when you needed it most, help appeared. And now you’ve got it, when a lot of kids like you don’t. I’m not saying I’m your fairy godmother, or Miles either . . .’
I watched the tiniest of smiles appear on Vanessa’s lips.
‘But,’ I continued, ‘we are here, and you are safe and we are gonna get you well, okay? And one day, you are gonna help others like you’ve been helped.’
I don’t know how I knew this, but somehow I just did. (‘Tiggy’ was becoming my middle name.)
‘So, missy, you do what the docs tell you and count yourself lucky, okay? And I’ll see you in New York and when you’re fixed, we’ll go for a fancy dinner someplace. And everyone, including Tyler, will see you with me in a magazine and know you’re a winner, not a loser.’
‘That’d be cool,’ Vanessa said eventually. ‘Swear on that?’
‘I already did. And you know what?’
‘What?’
‘Your hair will always look better than mine. Love you, Vanessa. See you soon.’
I kissed the top of her head and left the room. Miles was waiting in the corridor.
‘All okay?’
‘Yup. I’m off now. Keep me updated.’
‘I will.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Oh, and the jeep’s parked discreetly round the back of the hospital,’ he called before disappearing into Vanessa’s room.
As I stepped into The Ranch jeep, for the first time ever I appreciated my fame and what it could do for others. I had power. And now it was time to channel that into something positive.
‘So, are you sure you want to leave tomorrow morning?’ said Fi later that afternoon, after I’d had some sleep and we had discussed the events of the night before. ‘Why not stay on? Last night was a traumatic experience for you, Electra.’
‘Because I need to go,’ I said simply. ‘I want to get back to my life and begin making some changes, rather than just sitting here thinking about them.’
‘Would you like to share with me what those changes are going to be?’
‘Well, firstly, I’ll be clearing the booze from my apartment and deleting my dealer’s number,’ I joked.
‘Well, that’s a start. And?’
‘I’ll be meeting with my agent to work out a way to give me some free time. I’ve already arranged a meeting with my business manager to discuss my finances, because there’s other stuff I want to do.’
‘Such as?’
‘Help kids like Vanessa,’ I said. ‘And not just by giving money, but by maybe becoming a kind of spokesperson for them and getting involved in the fight against drugs.’
‘That sounds fantastic, Electra.’ Fi gave me a genuine smile. ‘Boy oh boy, do these kids need someone to fight for them. But just be careful that in the first few weeks especially, you don’t wear yourself out implementing all your new ideas. You need to spend time on yourself, like you have here: your morning run, daily AA meetings, at least for the first six months, good food, early nights . . . You’re in recovery too, Electra, and you can’t afford to forget that. You’re no good to anyone if you fall off the wagon. Do you ha
ve any vacations coming up?’
‘Yup, actually, I do,’ I said, then I explained to Fi about the planned reunion for all us sisters to sail on the Titan to the Greek islands to lay a wreath for Pa.
‘Spending time with your family is crucial,’ Fi agreed. ‘What about at home in New York? Do you have people there to support you?’
‘Mariam, the PA I’ve told you about, and my grandmother, Stella. I didn’t get round to telling you much about her, but I know she will be there for me.’
‘Okay, well, don’t be afraid to call on them, and Maia of course, who has been so concerned for you. I’ll be emailing her and your assistant a list of local AA meetings, plus the names of a couple of good therapists I know in New York. You can’t forget that you need other people, Electra, and to trust them.’
‘I won’t, but I also want to be there for Vanessa,’ I added.
‘Well, that’s a good thing, but the stronger you are, the more you can help her.’
‘She needs me,’ I said, ‘and besides, seeing what I did last night was, like, the most powerful reality check I could ever have.’
‘True,’ Fi agreed. ‘Is the fact you feel she needs you a good feeling?’
‘Yeah, I guess it is.’ I watched Fi’s eyes glance up to the clock and knew my time was up. ‘Listen, Fi, before I go, I just want to say sorry if I was difficult to begin with, but thanks for everything. You – this – has been amazing. It’s changed my life.’
‘Don’t thank me,’ she said as we both stood up, ‘you’ve done it all by yourself. Good luck, Electra,’ she said, then opened her arms wide and gave me a hug. ‘Keep in touch, won’t you? Let me know how you’re getting on.’
‘I will, yes.’ I walked towards the door, then turned back and smiled at her. ‘I never thought I’d say this, Fi, but I’m sure gonna miss you. Bye now.’
That evening, I spotted Miles in the canteen.
‘How is she?’ I asked him, setting down my tray opposite his.
‘Scared, negative . . . pretty much like she was when you left this morning,’ he said.
‘What did the psych team say?’
‘The shrink said he knows a good place in Long Island that specialises in dealing with kids like Vanessa. I’ve already contacted her social worker and I’m going to talk to Vanessa’s probation officer as well.’
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