This is true. I let the kids whale on me, especially when I'm covered in protective pads. But I can see this isn't going to convince Julia. She twists her mouth to the side and chews on her bottom lip. When she releases it there are tiny indentations from the pressure of her teeth.
"But what if I accidentally hit you someplace without padding?" she asks, wincing. It takes me a second to get what she's saying and while I stare at the fullness of her mouth I can see crimson creeping up her neck, making its way to her cheeks. "I mean, a few inches lower and I'll..."
My mouth pops open. "Oh, you're afraid you'll knee me... in the junk?”
Julia's face reddens even more as she combines a nod with an eye roll. "I don't want you to blame me later for keeping you from ever having children," she tells me, playing it off as a joke but still having trouble discussing what could happen a few inches lower than my belly button.
"Well, thanks for the consideration, but if you pull my shoulder down like we practiced it should be pretty hard to get your knee much lower." At the mention of "hard" Julia flinches. "I'll try to keep my..." Every possible euphemism runs through my head. "I'll try to keep myself out of the line of fire. In a real combat situation you could go for the crotch. I would highly recommend that, actually. You're tenacious, but a little on the small side." I tilt my head down to look at her.
Julia forces out a breath. "Fine, but if I miss and get you..." she stutters, "somewhere else, then it's on you."
"It wouldn't be the first time," I tell her, making a mental note to be sure to bend way over once her hand tugs my shoulder. "I'd eventually recover. Want to practice it slow one more time?"
Julia gets set with her hands in front of her face and I lift mine in the air to frame my own. I know I shouldn't, but I cross my eyes and stick out my tongue. Julia doesn't laugh, instead she gives me the sternest look of disbelief I've ever seen as she lowers her hands to her hips.
"Seriously?"
"Sorry." I try to act sufficiently chastised. "But, you know, you do a pretty good impression of my mother."
"Now I am going to kick your ass." Julia says it with the hint of a smile, but her face still manages to be menacing.
"Not with your hands down like that you won't." I'm expecting her to keep talking, so having her fist come up and make contact with one of my hands comes as a surprise. I've still got the pads dangerously close to my face and she puts some force behind the punches. She grips my shoulder to force me over and gives me two surprisingly savage knees to the stomach.
When I pop back up, she's smiling. Even after that I risk annoying her further. "That was okay for a slow one, I guess. How about this time we do it for real?"
Thirty minutes later I have to admit that my ass has been effectively kicked. Julia hasn't been doing this long, but she's beginning to pack one hell of a punch and I mean that quite literally. We're both breathing hard as we pull off our gloves. When she leans over to pick up her water bottle, I sneak one quick look at the curve of her backside and then pry my eyeballs away from her. I get really interested in getting the pad off my belly to keep from looking again.
When Julia flops down on the mat and closes her eyes, I sneak another peek at her. She's slightly sweaty—my sisters would call her "glistening" since this is apparently what Southern women do. They don't sweat; they glisten. I've laughed at this before, but Julia with a light sheen of sweat really does glisten. Her damp hair sticks to the side of her neck and when a tiny droplet of sweat makes its way down toward her chest I can't help but think of how her breasts would look with a little sheen. How I could follow the path of that bead until my tongue was tasting her nipple. The fact that I can see a faint pucker underneath the top she's wearing only fuels my fantasy. Then Julia stretches her arms out over her head, revealing a band of skin as the fabric of her top pulls away from her waistband, and I have to turn around to find my own water bottle before I can imagine my tongue circling her exposed navel.
"Did you always know this was what you wanted?"
I jump. "What?" Short of reading my mind Julia can't have any idea what's been running through my head. When I turn to face her she's sitting up, her shirt pulled down to cover everything it should. I stall for time. "I don't think I understand the question."
"The gym. Working with kids. Did you always know that was what you wanted to do?"
I let out the breath I hadn't noticed I'd been holding. "Oh. No."
"Really?" The shock on Julia's face manages to relax me a bit.
"Really. I used to work in an office." I come to sit next to her, careful not to let my arm brush hers.
"I can't picture you in an office." She tilts her head quizzically toward me.
"Totally true. I used to put a tie on every morning and go manage other people's money." Just thinking about it makes me shudder and Julia's laugh bounces off the walls of the gym in response.
"Was it that terrible?" She smiles like we're both in on some private joke.
"You have no idea." I roll my neck from side to side, feeling the tension creeping in just talking about my old life.
"Why did you do it, then?" She's genuinely interested and I turn so I can face her. I like looking in her eyes when I talk to her and this way I can see the expression on her face better. This way I can judge her reaction.
"Because my wife wanted me to." It sounds so fucking stupid when I say it out loud. I shrug. What else is there left to explain?
Julia scans my face and I notice a flash of pity. It's only there for a second, but it still pierces my ego. "You did something you hated so she could be happy?" It's more of a statement than a question. And even though now I know what a sacrifice I was making, at the time it didn't feel quite so heroic. At the time I was doing what I could to please the woman I loved. The woman I thought loved me. I could tell Julia this, make myself look even more like a sad sorry sack, but the words don't come. I nod.
"I understand," she tells me even though she doesn't. She can't. "I'm only asking because it looks like I'm going to need to decide what I want to be when I grow up."
"I thought you were grown up." I mean it playfully, but Julia's mouth tightens.
"Apparently not everyone agrees."
"You look pretty grown up to me." Once it's out I cringe. The only thing worse would have been leering at her tits as I said it. Luckily, Julia doesn't seem to notice that I've said anything even slightly inappropriate. Unluckily, she's staring sadly off into space. Now I'm the one feeling a twinge of pity.
"I'm a single parent who's never worked a day in her life. Well, with the exception of internships and summer jobs. That doesn't sound very adult, does it? I'm going to be one of those women who tries to put 'CEO of Andrews Industries' on her resume and describes her ability to handle making dinner and cleaning up finger paint as 'multitasking.' And my family and friends have doubts that I can be on my own. How grown up does that sound to you?"
I lean back on my elbows and look at the ceiling. "How have you never worked, exactly?" I already know the answer. Abbey didn't work while she was in law school. That was the agreement. Julia has two little boys. I can see how she ended up at home rather than running a Fortune 500 company.
"I was finishing my Masters when we decided to start trying." Julia pauses, and then clarifies. "Trying for a baby. We thought it would take longer, but I got pregnant right away. I had terrible morning sickness and Paul encouraged me to take a semester off. And then right when I started to get the hang of things and could even think about going back to school, boom! Noah. Then it seemed like there wasn't any reason to go back. Paul was doing well at work and with childcare and juggling schedules..." She throws herself back down on the mat and covers her eyes with her arm. "Life just got in the way, you know?"
I know. Better than she can imagine, but I keep my pep talk to myself since I'm still not exactly the person most people come to for life advice. "Do you want to go back to finish? Could you?"
Julia groans. "I guess I could, but ho
nestly, I don't have much interest. I was studying for a teaching degree and now, even if I could get credit for all my old classes, I can't see myself spending all day with other people's children." She waits a beat before adding, "No offense."
I smile. "None taken. I happen to like other people's kids." I wait a beat before adding, "Most of the time." I get a slight grunt for that, but not the laughter I was hoping for. "But it isn't for everybody."
Julia moves her arm from her face and looks up at me. "How did you figure out this was what you wanted?"
I think for a minute. I know how I figured things out—I got so miserable that there was no choice but to change. Julia doesn't need to know all the gory details, though. No use in freaking her out. No reason to tell her about how my marriage was falling apart around me and changing jobs was the least of my concerns. Although, her life has been upended as completely as mine had been, maybe even more. "I guess I thought about what I liked to do. About what made me happy. And I tried to make a life centered on that. Does that sound stupid?"
"Stupid?" Julia sits up. "No, that actually sounds nice. It sounds wonderful."
"So, what makes you happy?"
"Would you believe me if I told you I wasn't sure anymore?" She sounds miserable.
"I would believe that." I can't fix the real reason things aren't going the way she planned, but I can talk her through this part. "Now your job is to try and figure out what makes you happy."
"That sounds too easy."
I shrug. "Maybe. For me, it was all about being able to move around. I'm physical. I like to run and I like to be here, working out. I like kids. So when I thought about all those things, having a gym and helping other people train sounded like a good idea. No more desk. No more nine-to-five. No more looking out the window on a beautiful day and wishing I could be out in it. It isn't the money maker my old job was, but I'm okay with that because I'm happier."
Julia frowns.
"Or you could just look for a job that pays the bills."
Julia's frown deepens.
"But you've got the chance to be deliberate if you want to. Do you have the time to do that? The resources?" I think of the check she writes me every week and consider not cashing it.
"I do. I don't have forever, but Paul was a planner. I'm okay—more than okay—for a while at least." Julia reaches for her water bottle. "How do I figure out what makes me happy?"
"You try lots of things. Different things. And you keep doing the things you know you like. What do you know you like?"
Julia's bottom lip sticks out a bit as she considers the question. I'm so focused on her mouth that I barely register her answer when she makes a move to speak.
"I take photos, but that's never been something I do for money. I haven't done it in a while because it reminds me of all the things you usually want to photograph: birthdays, weddings, celebration kind of things. I've done some stuff for other people, but mostly I've done things for myself. That's not a job, exactly."
"Don't worry about that part just yet. You're just giving yourself permission to do the things you like to do and then seeing where that takes you. If you have time you shouldn't rush into anything. You should find something you love, something that works for you and the boys and that makes you feel, alive, I guess. Happy. Something that can be a job but that makes you happy at least some of the time."
She thumps her head back on the mat and groans. I look down at Julia's face, her features mashed into a pout that makes her look like the girl version of Charlie. I want to trace my thumb over the outline of those lips, position them back into the smile I'm becoming addicted to seeing.
"I need new photos for the website. My sister's always bitching about my terrible attempts at self-promotion. Want to help me with that? I could pay you." It's out before I can think it through. I hate having my picture taken and avoid it whenever possible, so setting myself up for hours of it will be painful. But I want to make Julia happy and the idea of putting a smile back on her face overrides my hesitation.
Julia opens one eye and considers my offer. "You don't have to do that. I'm not really a professional or anything."
"Okay then, we would trade. I'll let you practice on me in exchange for lessons. We'll barter. How's that? Deal?" I stick out my hand and offer it to Julia. She hesitates but ultimately sits up and slips her hand into mine. The tingle from our handshake leaves me reaching for my water bottle again. She's looking at me with a twinkle in her eye and an amused smile on her lips.
"What?" I ask, suddenly self-conscious after my find-what-you-love tirade and my body's reaction to touching her hand.
"Just thinking about your advice, sensei." She's smiling wide now.
"Are you making fun of me, grasshopper? Because no great teacher would accept that." I put on my best expression of mock outrage, letting my mouth hang open as if I'm truly offended.
Julia laughs. A full belly laugh that fills the gym and makes goosebumps rise up on my arms. We're sitting hip to hip now and she gives me a poke in the ribs.
"I would never dream of making fun of someone who could end me with his ninja skills." She tries and fails to keep a serious face, looking at me like she might burst out laughing. Our faces are close enough that I can feel the tickle of her breath on my chin.
I try and fail to keep from kissing her.
I can feel myself crossing the line and ruining everything but I can't stop myself from leaning in the extra four inches and closing the space between us. I brush my lips against hers. Julia relaxes into me, slanting her mouth over mine, and I slip a hand to the back of her neck. I can't resist letting my nose slide against hers and nipping just a bit at the fullness of her bottom lip. Because kissing her is all I want to do and once I have her pressed up against me I know I'm going to want to do it over and over again. It happens in slow motion and I'm relieved when Julia doesn't pull away immediately but instead lets her forehead rest against mine for a second before her eyes turn up to look at me.
The smallest whisper of an oh escapes her lips, lips still inches from mine. "Zach..." she starts but I'm already giving her an out. Already taking it back.
"I'm sorry," I blurt out, pulling away and shaking my head. "I should not have done that."
"It's okay. Really. It's... it's fine." She's confused and so am I as we untangle ourselves and separate. "It's just, in the interest of not rushing into anything..." She's trying to lighten things, to joke a bit. I appreciate the effort even if I'm dying inside. "I just can't." Her eyes plead with me not to fight her on this, not to kiss her again.
"I get it." I force the words out. I don't want her to leave here thinking I don't understand. "I misread the situation."
"No," Julia confesses. "No, you didn't. I should have been more careful, I think. I value our friendship but I can't... Right now, I can't."
"Julia, I'm so sorry." This is apparently the only thing I can manage to say.
"No, don't apologize. We're good. I should go." She's already grabbing her things and moving toward the door. I have one last chance to make things right, but before I can think of anything to say Julia beats me to it. "Why did you get a divorce?"
The question catches me off guard, making me stumble. "What?"
She's waiting for my answer, her hand resting on the handle of the door.
"We stopped being a team," I tell her. Her eyes shift from the door back to my face. "And she slept with her boss. Repeatedly." I don't talk much about that last part, but for some reason I tell Julia. I leave out the yelling, the accusations, the anger.
Her hand slips from the door back down to her side. "I'm sorry."
"Me too," I say because I am. I'm sorry about all of it but there's no taking back what happened with Abbey or what's happened today with Julia.
Julia turns from the door. When she's back in front of me she leans in and puts a hand on my chest. I try not to breathe as she rises up on her toes and puts a soft kiss on my cheek. "I meant what I said before, Zach. We're good."
I resist the urge to pull her back in, wrap her up in my arms and keep her pressed against me.
I fight that feeling like my life depends on it because my friendship with Julia most certainly does. I try to remember this as she walks out the door and into the parking lot. Try to remember it as I turn off the lights and start my run back home. But the only thing I keep remembering is how it felt to put my lips against hers, and no amount of running makes that memory fade.
10
Julia
Cassie pauses, wine glass raised, mouth open. "Can you repeat that, please?"
"You heard me." I take a big gulp of my own glass of red wine. I can already tell I'm going to need it for this conversation. Cassie's here for some late-night commiseration and for once I have something to add. Usually it's just Cassie bemoaning the lack of eligible men or dissecting her last bad hook up. I'd love to have taken this girls' night out of my living room, but with the boys fast asleep on a school night my couch is serving as our drinking spot. And having just told Zach that I don't want any more kissing despite the fact I'd enjoyed it more than I'd like to admit, I need advice.
"Oh, I don't think I did because it sounded like you just said you kissed Zach Winston."
"I said we kissed. I didn't say who kissed who." It's splitting hairs, I know, but with Cassie you have to be careful with the details.
"So he kissed you. Did you kiss him back? We are talking mouths here, right? Was there tongue?"
"Of course we're talking mouths! Where else would we... don't answer that!" Leave it to Cassie to turn a simple kiss into something much more complex. And much dirtier.
"And the tongue? Please tell me there was tongue! Julia, this is a major breakthrough for your vagina!" Cassie's animated now, spilling red wine all over the coffee table. "Shit! Sorry, Jules. I'll clean that up." She swipes her hand across the table, making more of a mess than before. I'm up to get paper towels from the kitchen before she can do any more damage.
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