"I feel big and small—at the same time," she added. She pulled out the band from her ponytail and shook out her blonde hair, letting the long strands blow in the breeze.
She was so beautiful, her blue eyes sparkling, her cheeks pink from the sun and the hike, her smile so wide, so full of life and fun. He wanted to look at her face for a lifetime. He wanted her to be the last person he saw at night and the first person he saw in the morning. He couldn't imagine not having her in his life.
"You're staring," she said. "What are you thinking about?"
"How much I want you," he said quietly.
She caught her breath as she gazed into his eyes. "Really?"
"Yes. I want to make it official, Nicole."
"Ryan," she said warily. "I think the altitude is going to your head."
"It's not the altitude that's making my head spin; it's you. I want to marry you, Nicole."
The words came out in a rush. He hadn't considering proposing in this moment, but now that he had, it seemed perfect. It was just the two of them on top of the world. What could be better?
"Oh, Ryan," she said, a breathy note in her voice. "Are you sure?"
"Absolutely. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you make me the happiest man on earth? Will you marry me, Nicole?"
Her pause made his blood thunder through his veins. He couldn't stand it if she said no.
"Yes," she said, a smile spreading across her face.
His heart stopped. "Seriously?"
"Yes," she repeated, as she slid her arms around his waist. "I will marry you, because I love you." She pressed her mouth against his.
He put his arms around her and kissed her until they were both breathless.
"When?" she asked with a laugh.
"Whenever you want. But let's make it soon."
"Everyone will think we're crazy. We're so young. We're not done with school."
"I don't care about anyone else. We can finish school together. It's you and me, Nicole. It's us. Now and forever."
Her gaze grew more serious. "I like the sound of that."
"I wish I had a ring," he said, realizing his spontaneous proposal was a little lacking.
"We'll get one."
He leaned over and pulled a long blade of grass from the hillside. He tied the ends in a knot and slipped it over her third finger. It almost immediately fell apart.
"Damn. I thought that was going to be really romantic," he said.
Nicole laughed. "It was romantic."
"I'll get you a ring as soon as we get back."
"Oh, sure, with all the extra cash you have laying around," she teased.
Her words reminded him that he was long way away from being able to buy her a ring. "Maybe we should wait until we can do it right—"
She put her finger against his lips. "No. I don't care about jewelry. I just want you, Ryan. But…"
He saw the sudden hesitation in her eyes.
"What about children?" she asked. "I told you before that I might be able to have any of my own. And if that's important to you…"
"There are a lot of kids in the world, Nicole. We'll find one who needs us. I don't care about biology. In fact, this kid might be better off if it doesn't have my family genes. We'll make it work. Together we can do anything."
"Together," she agreed as she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him again.
"Ryan."
Nicole's voice suddenly seemed so much louder, so much sharper. He blinked and straightened in his seat, realizing that the happiest day of his life was a long time ago.
"Are you okay?" she asked with a worried look. "You almost drifted off the side of the road."
"Sorry," he said, focusing his attention on the highway.
"Can we stop for a moment?" Nicole asked. "I could use a restroom and some coffee."
"Good idea." He changed lanes so he could get off at the next exit. He didn't need caffeine, but he did need to regroup. He found a Starbucks a few blocks off the highway and turned into the parking lot.
As he shut off the car, Nicole said, "What were you thinking about, Ryan? You got really quiet there for a while."
"I was wondering how we got to where we are. And I'm not just talking about Brandon," he added.
"I know," she said, her gaze filled with pain and what almost seemed like yearning.
His chest tightened, but before he could say anything more, she was out of the car and on her way into the café. Maybe it was better that way. This wasn't the time to have that conversation.
Although, there never seemed to be a right time to talk to each other, which was probably why they'd ended up in separate houses living separate lives. But they were together now. Maybe they could find Brandon and their way back to each other.
Now who was the hopeless optimist?
Chapter Eight
As Nicole waited for her coffee, she glanced out the window of the café and saw Ryan leaning against the hood of his car. He had his hands in the pockets of his jeans and was staring off into space, the same odd expression on his face that he'd worn earlier in the day.
Her nerves tightened as she remembered what he'd said just before she got out of the car—wondering how they'd gotten to this place. She'd wondered that, too.
They'd once been insatiable for each other. Kissing for hours, spending days and weekends in bed together. And every time they made love, it was better than the time before, because they'd each wanted the other to feel as good as possible. There had been so much generosity back then, so much unselfishness.
Her skin tingled with memories.
Ryan had always loved to touch her. It was if he was making up for the affection he didn't get as a child. When they watched TV, he'd put his arm around her shoulders or a hand on her thigh. When they slept together, she always woken up wrapped in his arms. And any time they walked anywhere, his hand had been in hers.
She'd loved being so close to him, feeling like they were deeply connected in every possible way. And it wasn't just his touch that she craved, it was the laughter, the shared dreams, the feeling that they were building something important—a family, a home, a life together.
But when Brandon came along, their tight bonds had loosened a little. They were still madly in love, but now there was someone else to hold, to talk about, to worry over. Brandon became the center of their world and she'd been happy with that. Ryan had been happy, too.
And then one day Brandon woke up lethargic and very, very quiet.
She'd thought he had the flu. She'd forced fluids on him and taken him to the doctor, who'd told her it was probably a virus.
But the virus had gone on for over a week. And then there was another doctor's visit, a consultation, increasingly worried looks, and new tests.
When the diagnosis came a few days later, she'd been both shocked and unsurprised, because she'd known that something was terribly wrong with her son. And now it had been confirmed.
For days she'd gone over everything she'd done, questioning whether she'd fed him something he was allergic to, whether she'd been too lax in keeping his brain stimulated. Had she read to him enough? Had she sung to him enough? Had she missed some important developmental step? And what about the vaccinations? Some people thought they were responsible; others said absolutely not. She didn't know who to believe.
She supposed that Ryan had asked himself the same questions. But now it occurred to her that that was when the first break in their union had occurred. Her focus had turned completely to Brandon, and when she wasn't thinking about her son, she was wondering about herself, what she could do differently to help her son.
Ryan—Ryan had just been somewhere in the background.
He'd been supportive the first two years. He'd gone to the doctor appointments with her. He'd listened to her rant and complain that they weren't getting enough answers. He'd held her when she slowed down enough to let him, which wasn't that often, because she'd been acutely aware of a ticking clo
ck from the moment of Brandon's diagnosis. They only had a short window to get through to him, so she had to make every second count.
But the seconds turned into minutes, hours, days, months and years. And there was still no improvement. Nothing had changed—except her relationship with Ryan.
Deep down, she knew she was as much to blame for their separation as Ryan was; she just didn't know how to fix what had broken. Brandon was always between them, and he still was.
But as she stared at Ryan, a knot grew in her throat and an ache filled her heart. She had tried not to miss him. She had filled her days with Brandon and work and more doctor appointments so she wouldn't have to think about Ryan. And she'd managed to push him out of her head most days. But Ryan was easier to handle from a distance than up close. When they were apart, she could remind herself of everything he did that annoyed her. When they were together, she stopped seeing his flaws and started remembering all the good times they'd had together.
She let out a sigh as her gaze traveled down his beautiful, masculine body. He'd always been attractive, but he was better looking now that he'd grown into his looks. His hair was thick and wavy with gold highlights lightening the dark strands. His shoulders were broad, his body lean and fit. He'd always loved to run, bike, or hike, and there wasn't an ounce of fat on his body.
A familiar yearning ran through her, making her feel frustrated and restless and needy. She'd always been attracted to Ryan. She'd loved his body and she'd explored every inch of it with her hands and her mouth, as he'd explored hers. He'd been her first time, and her first love, and she'd never been with anyone else besides him. She'd never wanted to be with anyone else.
Her sisters had thought she was crazy to marry the first and only guy she'd slept with, but she'd known Ryan was the one. She'd been so certain that they would last forever.
Forever had turned out to be way too short.
She started as the clerk called her name. Her coffee was ready.
Thank goodness. She turned away from the window, grateful for the interruption. She needed to stop thinking about Ryan and everything they'd lost and concentrate on the present. She picked up her drink and made her way out to the parking lot.
As she neared the car, she saw Ryan talking on the phone. Her pulse sped up, wondering if there was news.
"Thanks," Ryan said, as he ended the call.
"Who was that?" she asked impatiently.
"Max. I called for an update. They're still working on a court order to get Mr. Reynolds's records. The Angel's Bay Police Department informed them that the Schilling's attorney passed away two years ago. Their lawyer ran a very small office, which closed after his death. They're trying to locate his records."
Her heart sank. Every time they turned around, they seemed to hit a wall. "Anything else?"
"Max assured me that Brandon's photo will continue to be shown on the local news broadcasts and in the newspapers. Your family is working with the Center for Missing Children so everything that needs to be done is being done."
She really hoped so. She'd thought it was a good idea to go with Ryan to Angel's Bay, but now standing by a lonely highway in the middle of California, she was assailed with doubts.
"We're doing the right thing," Ryan said, reading her mind. "We need to join forces with the Schillings, compare notes. Find out what they knew at the time of adoption, perhaps it's more than we knew. Together, hopefully, we can figure out who has our kids."
She stared back at him, a little surprised by his optimism. He'd become so cynical in recent years that she'd forgotten he could be any other way. "It's weird, but I feel like we've changed places," she murmured.
"What do you mean?" he asked, a wary note in his voice.
"You're the one leading the impossible charge, pushing aside the doubts, forging ahead with a plan you're sure is a good one, even if it might not be. Sound familiar."
"A little." His gaze clung to hers. "Are you still with me, Nicole?"
It was such a charged and complicated question, but there was really one answer.
"I'm with you."
He nodded approvingly. "Good. Next stop Angel's Bay."
* * *
It was after ten by the time they reached the outskirts of Angel's Bay, a small community on the central California coast. Nicole had called the Schilling residence from the car, but had been told by Jessica's friend, Charlotte, that Jessica was finally sleeping, and she didn't want to wake her up.
Knowing that Mrs. Schilling had already gone through two more days of hell than they had, Nicole had asked Charlotte to tell Jessica they would stop by to see her in the morning.
"So, I guess we should find a hotel," Nicole told Ryan, feeling like their arrival was more than a little anticlimactic.
"I wish we could talk to her tonight," he grumbled. "How can she sleep when her kid is missing?"
"She's been dealing with this longer than we have. Her friend said she collapsed when she found out about Brandon's disappearance. I guess the shock sent her over the edge. So the morning will have to do. We need to find somewhere to stay tonight." She glanced down at her phone, surfing the Internet for hotel recommendations. "The Seagull Inn is about two miles away. It has good reviews and four stars."
"I don't care where we go."
"Then turn right at the next corner," she said, giving him directions to the boutique hotel, which was located on a bluff overlooking the Pacific Ocean.
As they got out of the car, a cold, blustery wind, and a misty spray of salty seawater greeted them. Nicole shivered. It definitely felt like fall in Angel's Bay.
They grabbed their bags out of the car and walked into the warm, cozy lobby. A middle-aged man with gray hair and glasses greeted them with a smile.
"Hello, folks," he said. "Need a room?"
"We do." Nicole hesitated, glancing over at Ryan. "Should we get two?"
Before Ryan could answer, the innkeeper said, "Oh, I'm sorry, but we only have one room tonight. It has two beds though. Will that work?"
"Fine with me," Ryan said shortly.
Sharing a room with her almost ex-husband didn't seem like a great idea, but Nicole was tired and didn’t want to spend time driving around town looking for somewhere else to stay. "We'll take it."
"It's one of our best rooms. You'll have a great ocean view. How long will you be staying?"
"We're not sure yet."
"Well, we don't have anyone coming into that room for another week, so if you want to stay a few days, you're welcome. Or if you want a second room tomorrow, we should have one opening up."
"Thanks," she said, as he ran her credit card and then handed her key cards.
They walked own the hall to the elevator. As Nicole pushed the button, she was shocked to see a flyer for Brandon. Actually, it was for Kyle, but once again the similarity between the two boys took her breath away.
She turned to Ryan. His jaw was tight, the pulse in his neck beating fast. She wanted to say something, but she had no words. Neither did he.
The elevator doors opened and they stepped inside. They got off at the third floor; their room was two doors down.
As they stepped inside, Nicole realized that the innkeeper hadn't been bragging; the room was beautiful with two full-sized beds covered with beautiful quilts, fresh flowers on the table and seascapes on the walls.
Ryan dumped his bag on the floor and then walked to the double doors leading out to the balcony. He opened them and stepped outside.
She followed him a moment later.
Large, white-capped waves crashed on the rocky beach below. It was a wild rugged scene under an incredibly starry sky.
Looking up at those stars, Nicole sent up a silent prayer to the universe to watch out for her little boy.
"I think I'll take a walk," Ryan said.
"Really? It's late."
He shrugged. "I'm not sleepy." He hesitated. "Do you want to come?"
She'd been sitting in a car all day. And she wasn't in th
e mood to sleep, either. "All right."
She grabbed her coat as they headed back out of their room.
There was a lighted path that ran from the front of the inn, down the side, to a long stairway leading to the beach below. Once they hit the sand, the moon and stars provided just enough light to see where they were going.
They walked along the water line for almost a mile until an outcropping of rocks prevented them from going any further.
Nicole flopped down at the sand, breathless from the brisk walk.
"I like it out here," she said as Ryan sat down next to her.
"You always loved the beach."
"You're right. The sea makes me feel happy and optimistic. I need those emotions now more than ever."
"Then I'm glad we came."
Silence followed his words, but she wasn't in a hurry to break it. It was soothing to listen to the relentless pounding of the ocean on the beach. She tried to slow her pulse down to match those beats, and after a few minutes, she felt a lot less tense.
She glanced over at Ryan. "Do you know the story of Angel's Bay?"
"There's a story?" he said, arching an eyebrow.
"Yes, I looked it up on my phone on the way down."
"Why?"
"Because I wanted to know more about the place that I was going to. And it was a long drive." Not to mention the fact that she'd wanted something to occupy her mind besides Ryan and Brandon.
"You've always been a planner."
"You may have come late to the planning party, but I know you don't just fly into the wind anymore," she said dryly. "You have flight routes and computer back-up systems and contingency plans."
"True, but that's when I have passengers. If it were only me, I'd take off and see where I ended up." He gave her a small smile. "You used to enjoy that kind of impulsive freedom."
"Never as much as you. I was terrified the first time you took me up in a plane."
"I remember. But you had a good time that day—after you got over being nervous. After you let yourself trust me."
"I did. You were good at pushing me to try new things."
"And you returned the favor. I would never in my life have seen a ballet if you hadn't taken me."
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