by Selena Kitt
“Surely not that many.” Rob smirked, wiping away sweat with a napkin.
It reminded me of the way we’d both been dripping sweat yesterday afternoon, the heat of the day adding to our own as he pounded me to oblivion on the living room floor, making me come so many times I lost count.
I still had rug burn on my knees and elbows. I smiled to myself, rubbing my elbows with my fingers, shivering with the memory. All the windows had been open, and I was sure all the neighbors had heard. Old Mr. Fisher had given us a strange look when Rob and I got into my car that morning to head off to school.
My God, if we could just stay cocooned together somewhere, lost in each other, everything would be perfect. Him and me and our baby. My hand dropped to my lap and I touched my lower belly, something I did often now, thinking about, dreaming about, who might be in there. It was becoming more real as my belly started to protrude. Not much, but enough that I could tell. Rob could tell too. His hand moved there, fingers drumming gently, whenever we spooned.
“There are a couple of ‘ifs’...” I glanced up at him, thinking about all the possibilities.
“We’ll work it out.” He sounded so confident as he lifted his chopsticks, digging back in to his Pad Thai.
“But you’re going back on tour... again,” I reminded him.
I hated the thought of being separated again. When I’d gone to see him in April, I didn’t know what would happen. Now I knew what he wanted—I really knew, not just through words over a phone line or over the computer, but through his actions. He said he wanted to be with me, and he’d proved it, moving into my little yellow house instead of staying in his giant palace in L.A. But now his work was going to take him away from me again and there was nothing I could do about that. It was the same dilemma I’d been faced with at the beginning, and I was struck with a weird sense of déjà-vu.
“It’s just Europe for three weeks.” He reached for his glass of water again, gulping. “Besides, it will be a great vacation for you.”
“For me?” I looked, up surprised.
“Yeah, you. You didn’t think I was going to leave you here, did you?” He cocked one eyebrow at me, shaking his head. “School will be out by then. No excuses.”
“The baby,” I replied, blinking at him. How had he not considered that? Maybe it just wasn’t as real to him yet as it was to me. Every night, I flipped through the pregnancy books I’d ordered from Amazon, looking at fetuses, checking the photos against my dates, seeing what the little bean looked like now. I’d tried to get him to look, be interested, and he’d humored me, but he didn’t seem as intrigued as I was. Maybe just because it wasn’t happening to him. It was happening inside me.
But I couldn’t be pregnant and touring with Trouble! That was insane. Wasn’t it? I mean, pregnant women weren’t even supposed to fly, let alone travel for hours on a bus.
“I’d at least have to clear it with my obstetrician.” Was I really considering this? I was. God help me, I was.
“I’m hiring a doctor to come with us.” Rob waved away my concern, finishing up the rest of his Pad Thai. “But we can clear it with your guy.”
“Girl.” I smirked.
“Oh.” Rob’s head came up, surprise in his eyes. “Would you rather have a woman doctor?”
“If I have a choice, yeah.” I smiled, wondering if he’d already hired a doctor. He was clearly thinking ahead. But he hadn’t thought of everything. “What about Katie?”
“Last time I checked, she wasn’t pregnant.” He wiped his mouth with a napkin and sighed. “Thank God.”
“No, I mean—she’ll be out of rehab right around the time the tour starts,” I reminded him. “I don’t want to leave her alone.”
“She won’t be alone.” He sat back, stretching his arms out on the back of the booth, a pose I found incredibly sexy, especially when he had that smug smile on. He seemed to think he’d anticipated all my objections and had already taken care of them.
“She can’t come on tour, Rob.” I used my fork to twirl Pad Thai noodles, chewing thoughtfully. “No way. That’s what started this in the first place.”
“I know.” He nodded. “I don’t want her and Tyler together anyway. It’s a disaster waiting to happen.”
“Well, I don’t know if it’s a disaster...” I tried to imagine what I’d feel if someone said that about me and Rob being together. I probably would have gone ballistic. Of course, he and I didn’t do heroin together. But I wasn’t sure we were any less addicted. We were just high on each other.
“Oh, I don’t mean forever. Just for now,” he explained.
“But she’d still be home alone.” I didn’t want that. I knew Katie. She was far too impulsive for her own good, always had been. Katie addicted to heroin? That was an impulse issue I couldn’t even imagine.
“Nope.” Rob gave me that smug smile again. “Sarah would come here to stay with her.”
Jeez, he had thought of everything.
“I don’t know...” I picked through my Pad Thai, thinking about Katie. She didn’t even have any family here, and she’d lost her dental hygienist job before the tour. The only thing she had here was me, and if I went on tour with Rob, I wouldn’t be available for her.
“Sabrina, I want you with me.” That smug smile faded, and his eyes grew dark, serious. He leaned forward, taking one of my hands in his. The touch was electric, searing.
Every. Single. Time.
“I know, but...”
“I’m weak, baby.” He gave me a rueful little smile. “I can’t live without you.”
“Oh stop.” I laughed, nudging him under the table with my foot.
“I’m not really kidding.” He met my eyes and I saw it was true. Was he really as addicted to me as I was to him? Was that even possible?
Rob was like my heroin—but did that mean I should stay away from him? Were there things in the world you could be addicted to that were good for you? Because the way I felt about him, how I craved him, how I thought about him constantly when I wasn’t with him and couldn’t wait for that high of seeing him again, all of that felt far more to me like addiction than love.
But then again, I’d never really been in love before, not like this.
“Rob...” I turned his hand over in mine, tracing the lines on his palm, feeling the hard callouses his guitar had given him over the years.
“Sabrina, you’re the mother of my child.” His voice was low, soft, as he closed his hand, swallowing mine whole. “And you’re going to be my wife as soon as I can arrange it. You belong with me. You’re mine.”
I tried to choke back the tears that came to my eyes at his words. I wanted to be his, I wanted to belong wholly to him, forever. It was a dream I could barely contain. But even though he said I was his, and I wanted to be, there were things standing in our way.
“And when do you think we’ll be able to make those... arrangements?” I looked up and met his eyes, thinking about his wife, Catherine, the biggest obstacle in our way.
“When my soon-to-be ex can agree to settlement terms.” Rob sighed, sitting back in his seat, letting go of my hand.
“Is that what the call was about?” We hadn’t had a chance to talk about it, but I hadn’t forgotten that morning’s phone call.
“Yeah.” That tightening of his jaw was back, the dark look in his eyes. I didn’t blame him for being angry. Catherine had hurt him, had cheated on him, had left him, and now she wanted half of what he’d made with Trouble.
The waitress came over to fill our water and bring the check. Rob handed her a credit card and asked for a box for the rest of my Pad Thai. I smiled. He knew me so well already. I could never finish it and always took it home, so I could take it to work the next day for lunch.
“So, she wants half your assets?” I winced at the thought. How much was that? Did I even want to know?
“She wants half my damned soul,” he murmured, looking up at the waitress when she returned with a Styrofoam container and his credit card.<
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“It can’t be that bad.”
“Trust me.” He snorted, slipping his card back into his wallet. “She’s got me by the... technicals.”
Our eyes met and we both cracked up, remembering Mikhala’s mistake. Then Rob got a text and dug his phone out of his pocket, making a face.
“Speak of the devil.” He sighed, shaking his head and slipping his phone back into his jeans. “Hey, hurry up with that, we’re gonna be late.”
“Well I can’t leave it,” I protested, grinning as put the rest of my Thai food into the Styrofoam container. “My taste bugs love this stuff.”
Our eyes met and we both burst out laughing again.
Chapter Eight
“You look great.” I leaned in and kissed Katie’s cheek.
She took my hand and squeezed it as we sat at a white plastic patio table on mismatched chairs. It was a gorgeous spring day, leaning far over toward summer. Rob sat beside me, draping an arm over the back of my chair.
“Hey Katie,” he said, giving her a brief, one-handed wave. “How you doing?”
“Better than I was the last time you saw me, that’s for sure.” Katie tucked her long blond hair behind her ears, her pale cheeks slightly red. She wasn’t wearing any makeup at all and she looked tired—she had dark circles—but her eyes were bright. She looked okay.
“How is it here?” I asked. We’d only started being allowed to talk on the phone the week before. She’d finally finished with detox and had started individual and group therapy. She had told me she was busy all the time, either in therapy or doing assignments afterward. They did a lot of journaling, a lot of talking.
“It’s horrible.” She made a face. “Painful. Awful... and amazing.”
“That’s what Tyler said.” Rob laughed. “Except for the amazing part. And his facility is, uh... a little posher than yours.”
“Thank you, by the way.” Katie leaned her elbows on the patio table. “My COBRA insurance ran out last month. I never could have afforded this. And without it... I’d probably be dead by now.”
“It was the least I could do, Katie,” Rob said softly, his hand massaging my shoulder. “I’m just glad you’re taking full advantage of it”
“It only works if you work it, right?” She gave him a rueful smile.
“One day at a time.”
I looked between them, feeling like something was going over my head. I understood addiction on a rational level, but I had no personal experience. Unless you counted Rob as my personal addiction—and I wasn’t giving him up!
“So...” Katie traced the lines on the table. “How’s Tyler?”
“He’s out,” Rob replied. “Getting ready to go on tour.”
“Clean?”
“For now.” He nodded.
“Please don’t let him pick up again, Rob.” Katie lifted her head and her eyes were shiny, wet .She said she loved him, said she’d fallen for him as hard as I’d fallen for Rob. If that was true, the pain she was in had to be excruciating. I couldn’t even imagine.
“You know I can’t promise anything,” he said softly. “It’s his disease, not mine.”
“I know. I just...” She lowered her head again, tracing those straight lines. “I love him.”
“I know.” Rob squeezed my shoulder, as if he could comfort Katie by proxy.
“I just want the best for him.” One of Katie’s tears fell onto the table, beading and magnifying the scratches on its worn surface. “I want him to be happy.”
“Well, I had to practically put him in chains to keep from flying to Michigan, so I think the feeling is mutual.”
“I can’t.” She sniffed, wiping her cheeks with the backs of her hands. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen Katie cry. She was impulsive, a little crazy, but never overly emotional. Not like this. “Not... not yet.”
“No, not yet,” Rob agreed.
“I wish I could come with you.” Katie smiled at me, putting on a more Katie-face, a face I was used to, and it suddenly occurred to me that maybe the Katie-face I saw most of the time wasn’t really Katie at all. “Are you going on tour?”
“Ummm... I don’t know.” I glanced over at Rob. “I have to check with my doctor. We have an appointment today.”
“How are you doing?” More Katie-like now, as if every word away from the talk of Tyler and her addiction helped add layers to some shell she wore. “Still throwing up all the time?”
“No, thank God.” I found myself more comfortable talking like this, with the Katie I knew, although I wasn’t so sure that was a good thing. It said something about me too, I was sure. “I’m feeling good, actually. Starting to show a little.”
I lifted my shirt, running a hand over the little baby bump there. Katie’s eyes widened, and she smiled, reaching out, impulsive as ever, to touch it. It wasn’t much, really—I could still hide it, cover it with loose-fitting clothing.
“Can you feel it yet?” she asked, rubbing her hand back and forth under my navel. “Can I feel it?”
“I can,” I said. “But no one else can yet. It’s too light. It’s like... little butterflies.”
“Like that feeling you get just before a concert starts?” she asked, sitting back in her chair and giving me a knowing look.
I laughed. “Yeah, kind of like that.”
“Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?”
“We’ll found out today, I hope.” I smiled over at Rob. I’d hardly been able to sleep last night, between the anticipation of seeing Katie and the idea that Rob would be with me when we found out the gender.
“I can’t believe you’re going to have a baby.” Katie shook her head, incredulous.
“I can’t either.” It was more of a reality now than it had been in the beginning, but I was still getting used to the idea.
“Of course, I can’t believe I got addicted to heroin.” She laughed, shaking her head. “We’ve come a long way, baby.”
“Don’t beat yourself up,” I said, putting a hand on her arm and squeezing.
“You either.” She took my hand and laced her fingers through mine. “Have you told your parents?”
“Not yet.” Damnit, she knew me so well. It was the thing I dreaded most. “I was kind of hoping Rob would be... free...”
“Ughhh that’s not over yet?” She made a face, squeezing my hand.
“It’s complicated,” Rob said, his words making me wince. Complicated sucked.
“Isn’t everything?” Katie sighed, looking at him for a moment before changing the subject. “My parents have been great... Surprisingly great. My mom came to visit yesterday. And Dad is coming tomorrow. Flying all the way from California.”
“And you’ll be out by this weekend,” I reminded her. “You have to be going stir crazy here, ready to get back home?”
“Yeah, well...” She let go of my hand, sitting back in her chair and crossing her arms over her chest. “I... I’m a little scared to be out there on my own. I don’t have anything anymore. I’m about to be evicted from my apartment because I don’t have a job. I can’t...”
“You won’t be on your own.” I gave Rob an “I told you so” look. Now I was even more determined to stay home. It was only three weeks. I’d survived during that first separation from Rob. I could survive this one. Katie was worth the sacrifice.
“You’ll be on tour, Bree.” Katie shook her head and sighed.
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that,” Rob chimed in. “I have a plan.”
I gave him a sharp look.
Katie laughed. “An evil plan?”
“Well, I have to admit, it’s not completely altruistic.” He grinned. “But I think it will be a win-win for everyone.”
“So, what’s your evil plan?” she asked.
“I want you to stay at Sabrina’s with Sarah,” he announced. I gaped at him, but Katie frowned, head cocked, considering.
“Sarah?”
“You guys can be roommates for a while,” he told her, sell
ing the idea, and not just to her, I knew. He was selling it to me too. “Just until you’re settled. Until you’ve got a job and you’re going to regular meetings. Until you’ve built up your support system.”
“I’m her support system,” I countered. My best friend needed me, now more than ever. I couldn’t abandon her to some stranger—even as kind as Sarah had been—not when she didn’t have anyone else.
“I think Katie has to do this,” Rob said, looking across the table and meeting her eyes.
“He’s right, Bree. I do.” Katie nodded slowly.
“But...” I didn’t even know what to say in protest.
“Look, I love you, Bree.” Katie smiled, nudging me with her knee. “But I have to stop relying on you to be the sensible one. I have to learn to be sensible too.”
I stared at her, not saying anything. I knew what she was saying—that I’d enabled her somehow. But how?
“I’ve always been the wild, crazy one.” She sighed. “I get you into trouble—and you get me out of it.”
Well, that was true enough. That had been true since we’d met. We complemented each other that way.
“But I can’t always count on you to get me out of trouble.”
“Yes, you can!”
“And you can’t always count on me to push you into going after the things you really want.”
Understanding came slowly, a dawning, and I sat back in my chair, unable to speak. I felt responsible for Katie, for what had happened with Tyler, for her getting mixed up in it. I always felt responsible for Katie. And Katie... she was my wild side. I lived vicariously through her. She did push me, often, into doing things, and I let her. Things like hooking up with a rock star—which was something I had wanted but would have been too afraid, on my own, to pursue. I wouldn’t have Rob without Katie, it was true.
But it was more than that. I felt responsible for Katie when she got in trouble—but Katie served to absolve me of responsibility for myself. Whatever “crazy” actions I took weren’t my fault, after all. Whenever we did something wild together, if it ended badly, I could always blame Katie for getting me into “trouble.”