by Marilyn Grey
"Pliers?"
He sat beside me and held up the tool. "Pliers," he said. "I'll pull it out. Real quick."
"No!" I scooted away, unable to stand because my tendon freaked out every time I moved. "I don't see the ball in there. It went in ball side first."
He touched his chin to his neck. "The ... ball?"
I laughed and squeezed my knee. "There are balls on the tops of pins. This went into my leg ball first. If we pull it out I'm gonna get a ball stuck in my leg and get infected or something." I clenched my teeth. "It hurts."
He waved the pliers. "Just one second and it'll all be over."
"The ball. And look." I pointed. "It's bent in there. The pin is this big." I held up my fingers. "What if it went into my bone? Oh my gosh ... what if it's in my bone, Donovan?"
He pushed his lips to the side of his face.
"It's not funny." I tried to move. "I need to go to the ER."
"Can you walk?"
I attempted to stand. "It hurts. If I move that tendon it kills."
"Here." He put my arms around his neck. "I'll carry you to my car."
And he did.
We stopped at one of those quickie emergency places, but they were closed. To the real deal ER we went. Only weeks after my toe incident. Thankfully the toe wasn't broken, just crushed at the tip and healed pretty fast. Otherwise I would've looked like an idiot coming in with a foot wrapped up and a sewing pin sticking out of my knee.
Donovan carried me into the ER and sat me next to someone with blood soaked on his shirt and a child with a gaping hole between her eyes. And so basically ... I felt like an idiot anyway.
Once we finally got to my room the doctor or nurse or whatever he was came in, pressed on it, and came back with ... pliers.
No joke.
Donovan pushed his lips around again, trying his hardest not to laugh in my face.
"Um." I put my hand between the pliers and my leg. "What if it's in my bone?"
The doctor guy shook the pliers. "This'll do it. It's not in the bone. I can feel right where it is."
"Is it possible to numb it first?"
"Are you serious?" Donovan said. "Give me that thing."
"I can numb it," the guy said. "It won't hurt but a second though."
"Numb, please."
"The needle to numb you will hurt worse than pulling this one out. Come on." Donovan held my hands. "Squeeze my hands, close your eyes, and let's go to Wendy's for a junior bacon cheeseburger, shake, and fries with nacho cheese."
"You're horrible."
"Or the diner."
"Ready?" the doctor said.
"Are you a doctor?"
"Physician's Assistant."
"Okay." I gripped Donovan's hands and closed my eyes. "Go!"
Out it came.
And Donovan shook his head. "Shoulda let me use the pliers."
I laughed. "Sorry." I felt all around my knee. "What if the ba—"
"There's no ball in your knee." He laughed. "Let's go. I'll even carry you out for fun."
He carried me back to the car and we laughed about the pin during our entire Wendy's excursion. Then he took me home and gave me a hug goodbye.
"You wanna have a sleepover?" I pointed toward the door. "I've got Batman sleeping bags."
"Tempting." He smiled. "But I've got work in the morning and I don't want to see Zoe until she's moved on. Oh"—he tried to wink and failed—"who's the shy girl you've got working for you? She's cute."
"Yeah. That's Han. She's from Korea. Brilliant. Talented. Creative. She's really sweet too. Not your type."
"Han?"
I nodded.
"I want to ask her to dinner or something. Will she do it?"
I glanced down and picked at my overgrown cuticles. "Probably. Everyone loves you."
"Not everyone." He tapped my chin.
"Heh." I almost managed a smile. "Yeah."
Chapter 15
After a week of intense sewing—I'm talking fourteen hours straight every day—I took a break to paint the walls. Han and Brooke kept up the sewing for me while Donovan, Autumn, and I painted the interior a nice cool grey.
Thankfully Zoe was at work, because I doubt she would've appreciated the way Donovan flirted with Han the entire time. Only in America two years, she brought with her this charm from Korea that made her impossible to dislike. Even I loved her and that's pretty strange when it comes to the girls Donovan likes.
Autumn dipped her roller into the bucket and slathered more paint on the wall while I worked on taping the other half of the room. Donovan disappeared again. With Han. Somewhere in the back.
I waited for Autumn to say something about his girl of the week, but she didn't.
"So," she finally cleared the air. "I decided to stay home this year."
"What?" I stopped taping. "Why would you do that?"
She twirled her hair and accidentally dropped a glob of paint on her foot. "I kinda met this guy."
"No." I went back to taping. "I'm not even acknowledging this."
"He's perfect for me, Jane."
"I wish I could explain to all of you that we are eighteen year olds and marriage should be the last thing on our agenda. Go to school. It's your dream to become a doctor. You've wanted to help people since you were a kid. So do it and if he's still around when it's done, then maybe he's the one."
"Don't be so negative."
"I'm being pretty positive actually. You have a free ride to the college of your choice. Don't ruin it for some guy who may not love you in a few years."
She painted in silence for a few minutes, then said, "So that Han girl and Don—"
"Yes. They're dating. Or going on dates. Not sure I know the difference, if there is one."
"She's like your twin."
I laughed and looked to make sure they weren't around. "She's Korean. We don't look anything alike. Just our hair maybe."
"No," she said. "She's so much like you. Only more shy and...."
"Go ahead and say sweet." I smiled. "I know it's true."
"You're just a little feistier and opinionated."
"Sweetness has never been my best trait."
"You're sweet." She laughed. "Seriously."
Han and Donovan came back into the room, eyes on each other Mom and Dad style. Don's eyes were brighter and Han's smile matched the brightness perfectly. They looked cute together. And they were cute together. She was the first girl to actually appreciate him and that made me feel like crap.
I was no longer the only girl who knew him, really knew him. They'd been dating a few short weeks, but she already knew things about him only I knew.
I thought back to the day in the hospital where I silently told him not to die. It felt like that now. Like he was dying. I was losing him.
Donovan went back to painting. Han sat down at her sewing machine. And they glanced at each other every few minutes. Her smile, all simple and surrounded by blushing cheeks, was killing him. In a good way. I could just tell.
He never looked at a girl like that before. Just me.
I finished taping the room and pretended not to watch them as I painted. Last time Donovan looked at me like that was in eleventh grade. We were cuddling on top of his car as the sun went down and he said something he shouldn't had promised.
"I'll wait forever for you or die waiting."
I'll never forget his face as I said, "You'll die alone then. Don't do that to yourself."
He lost the light in his eyes. He never told me that he gave up, but I could tell. His spark was gone. I killed it. He started dating all kinds of girls and the dynamic between us changed. Still good. Still close. But it changed. I knew I could bring the light back though. If I ever fell in love with him I knew he'd still love me. But now I doubted it because Han brought the sparkle in his eyes back. She beat me to it.
"You told him to die trying. What did you expect?" I whispered while spacing out at the wall.
Autumn tapped my shoulder. "You're talking to
yourself in public again."
I slapped my hand over my mouth. "Did anyone hear me?" I quickly looked around the room and everyone was working. Everyone except Donovan. His eyes were on me.
"I heard you," Autumn said. "Not sure what it meant though."
We stared at each other. Donovan. Me. The rest of the room didn't disappear like I thought it was supposed to. The sewing machine hummed in the background. Rain dripped down the windows and tapped the sills. Autumn kept talking. Cars beeped outside. My phone buzzed across the room. Someone else's phone rang with a ridiculous pop song. Chaos. Absolute chaos around us.
But we stood there. Completely still.
I tried to smile.
He shrugged and crinkled his brow.
Comfortable awkwardness.
My phone vibrated itself right off the counter and hit the floor. Great timing. I needed an escape from the weirdities. I picked up the phone and opened the email.
Jane,
Did you get my last email? I hope I didn't scare you off. If you'd rather I hadn't been thinking of you, just pretend I didn't say that. ;-)
Jane?
I read it again as Han and Donovan kissed under an umbrella in front of the building. Looked like a freaking Nicholas Sparks cover.
I sighed and tried to reply.
Why wouldn't the words come?
"Hello, blinking cursor," I said. "Would you like some eye drops?"
"Don't mind her," Autumn said to Brooke. "You'll get used to it."
"I already am." Brooke laughed. "Hey, Jane. I've got another one finished. Wanna check it?"
"One sec."
Time to declare war with the blank email.
Dear Alistair,
I stopped. Inhaled. Exhaled. And tried to tell myself this was NOT a love letter. Just a friendly letter.
I continued:
Sorry. I've been super busy.
Well, that was painless. I thought about telling him that I was thinking of him too or at the very least acknowledging his declaration, but....
How are things in England?
That came out instead. So I kept going, promising myself I'd try.
I thought of you the other day when I was at the airport.
There. That should do.
Hope all is well!
Jane
And send.
Away it went. I checked Brooke's dress and approved it. "You're so good at this, Brooke," I said as my phone buzzed off the counter again. "If we make money with this place you're definitely getting a raise."
"I'm just happy to be here," she said. "I never thought my boss would be five years younger than me, but I have to say it's been fun. Your energy and passion for this has inspired me to start sewing again."
"That's so good to hear."
I picked the phone up again.
"Who's that? Mr. Anonymous?" Autumn teased. "I'm done with this wall. What's next?"
"We can start the trim where the walls are already dry."
Another email. So soon. With barely any contents.
Jane ...
That was all it said, but it was enough to bring those dreadful butterflies back.
I wrote his name, added some dots at the end, and hit send.
Another minute and he popped up again.
I got us a show booked at TLA like you said. October 27th. I know it's months away, but can I see you?
I wrote back:
That should be fun.
Good thing I wasn't trying to win an award for most flirtatious or anything. He emailed one last time and said he needed to practice. The guys were waiting for him, but he'd email me as soon as he finished.
Han came back into the store. Glowing. Then, in her cute little accent, she said, "He is very nice guy. Ah joh-eun."
"He is," Autumn said. "Are you in love with him?"
"Autumn!" I cut in.
"I don't know." The girl lit the room on fire with her radiance and she didn't know? "My father taught me to be in love, not to fall in love. He told me love is not something we feel. It is something we do. I have always been careful about feeling things. There must be harmony and peace around two people who marry. Everything make sense, you know?"
Autumn nodded. Brooke nodded. I figured I should nod too. So I did.
Han went back to her machine and smiled as she worked. I looked over a few times over the course of the day and I can assure you the smile was now a permanent part of her face.
For the first time ever—that I could remember, anyway—I knew what people meant by a pang of jealousy. Except it's kinda more than a pang. More like a twisting knife-in-the-chest desire to have something someone else has.
Of course.
No matter how much I never wanted to admit it ... Mom was right. She was always right.
Chapter 16
I liked Han. Really liked her. Maybe more than Donovan liked her. Okay, that wasn't possible, but she had to be the sweetest person to ever walk the earth. She always stayed late to help me out and she worked so fast and rarely made mistakes. If I asked her to come in and help at nine in the morning she would show up at eight. What I loved most was that she did it out of genuine care and not to kiss up to Donovan's best friend. She smiled. All day. Even on bad days. She always went out of her way for others and put herself last. She amazed me.
Zoe, in other news, did not share these sentiments. So I sat her down with a big bowl of ice cream and let her vent. The first thirty minutes sounded like insanity and I barely understood a word, but finally she calmed down a little and made more sense.
"It's not like we weren't serious," she said. "We were talking about getting married."
"Zoe, you have to remember that he's never committed to anyone. Ever. He thinks he's in love whenever a girl smiles at him. It's an illness."
She stared at her ice cream.
"Don't take it personally. Someone better for you will come along."
"He was the best." A tear took a stroll down her face. "For me."
"This is exactly why I don't like this stuff."
She blew her nose. "What stuff?"
"Romantic relationships. My life is perfectly fine right now. Guys bring nothing but drama, tears, and confusion."
"There are good things that make the pain worth it."
"No." I shook my head. "No break up is worth this many sleepless nights. No guy is worth that, I don't care who he is. If he was willing to leave you, then you need to move on. The only one worth crying for is the one who never leaves you."
"I just really thought Donny was the one."
"You and seven thousand other girls."
She set her empty bowl on the table beside the couch. "Want to watch a movie?"
"Absolutely. How about Shutter Island?"
"What's that? I was thinking The Best of Me or If I Stay."
"Romance movies?"
She nodded.
"No way." I pretended to hide the remote behind me. "I am not interested in deepening your depression."
She smiled. "It's inspiring."
"Right. Ten minutes in and I'll be carrying a heap of sadness to her bed."
"Fine. Let's do your manly one."
I laughed and started to bring the movie up.
"Jane," she said.
"Yeah?"
"Thank you."
I'm one of those people. Either I fall asleep immediately because I'm exhausted, or I stare at the ceiling until the sun rises and try to turn my brain off. Oh, how I wanted to turn my brain off.
I checked my phone. Lovely. Two in the morning. I had gotten into bed at eleven.
I rolled to my side and opened the Kindle app on my phone, scrolled through the books, and closed it out. Already read them all. So I opened the Internet on my phone and browsed for a new book. Nothing really caught eye. Then it happened. Again. An email from Alistair.
Dear Jane,
It's morning here. I've got a cup of coffee in my left hand and my phone in the other and wanted to write you real quick.
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Hey, I don't want to bug you ... it was great to hear from you, but if you want for me to leave you alone just leave this message go. No need to respond.
Alistair
I sighed and rolled to my back. The screen lit my skin as I typed back.
Dear Alistair,
What's your real last name?
Jane
Jane ... what time is it there??
It's Gladwyn.
It's after 2am. What time is it there?
Get some sleep, okay? It's 7:23am here. Please get some rest. Sorry to wake you.
You didn't wake me. I'll try to sleep. One of those nights.
A few minutes passed. My eyes wanted to close. Finally my breathing slowed a little. Sleep was coming. So close.
And ... another beep.
Jane....
Alistair....
Goodnight, Jane.
Good morning, Alistair.
I didn't realize that I had emailed Alistair until halfway through the afternoon. It bled right into a dream about texting him that turned into a weird nightmare about a bird trying to eat my eyes out while I tried to have a conversation with Beethoven. If anyone knows a good dream interpreter ... that was definitely one of the strangest....
After a hectic morning of sewing, I took a break. Thread in my hair, fabric remnants stuck to my pants, way too many needs for the seam ripper—I just wasn't myself today. Or maybe just a more frazzled version of myself.
I walked away from the machine and exhaled.
"You okay?" Brooke looked up from her work.
"Tired. Couldn't sleep last night."
"Maybe a walk for fresh air," Han said. "I will try to finish the dress you are working on."
"Thank you, Han." I smiled. "I'm gonna head out for a few minutes, maybe get some coffee. No need to work on the dress though. I'll be back in a few."
"You are sure?" she said. "I would be happy to!"
Brooke handed me a five. "Could you get me a coffee too? Latte if they have them."
I pushed her hand back. "My treat. Han, you want anything?"
"No, thank you."