by Marilyn Grey
"I'm glad you reacted that way," she said, motioning for me to sit next to her on the couch. "I don't know how much Alistair has told you about his other girlfriends, but I can tell you one thing ... they were all selfish little things. As a mother you can just tell when someone really loves your kid. Those girls loved him on the outside and maybe for his music, but when you stood up for him I could see it in your eyes. Maybe that even scared me. He's all I have right now and I worry that he's finally found someone who loves him in a deeper way than I ever can." She wiped a tear from her face. "He's my only baby and he was always wise beyond his years. Grew up much too fast and I miss him. Having him back like this ... it wasn't what I expected. Or wanted. And he certainly doesn't want to be here like this. He's been gone since he was eighteen. Moved back to Bristol and now he's forced to come back to Mansfield and have his mother care for him in his early twenties. I know he's embarrassed and I knew about you. His nurses and I would joke that he was making it all up, thinking he fancied Jane Austen, but I saw the picture he keeps under his pillow and I knew. So I should apologize to you, Jane. I saw you in here and recognized you from the picture and I worried you would take the last thing I have." She cleared her throat. "I figured so long as he needs me, then I won't lose him. But it's not fair. I need to let him grow, even if that means away from me." She wiped another tear into her sleeve. "I'm sorry for rambling. I don't have many people to talk to."
"No, no, it's okay. I ... I don't know what to say."
"Say you'll love my son. Say you'll make him smile again. It's been too long."
"I ... I love him more than I've ever loved anything in my entire life. Being without him these last few months showed me that. I felt sick. Like a part of me died. I'm not stupid and I know I'm young and well, maybe I am stupid and don't know what I'm talking about, but I know that I love him." My voice trembled and cracked. "That I do know."
"I really am sorry for the things I said," she repeated. "I love him too. It hurts to see him go through something like this. I remember when he fell off of the bed when he was two and I put a little plaster on and kissed him to make it all better. And the first time he got his heart broken or got into a fight. I could help with those things. Make it better. I can't make this better. He may be a man now, but he'll always be my baby boy."
"My dad says the same thing to me. Well, except the boy part." I heard his bedroom door creak. "I don't want to take him from you. I have no desire to be his mother. I just want to be everything else." I smiled. "I'm half-kidding."
"Oh, I see why he likes you. That and the strange Batman obsession you two share."
"No," he said from the doorway. "I love her because she's everything I am and everything I'm not all at the same time."
We both looked at him, startled, and I smiled. It may not have been an image I imagined or could've fathomed a few months ago, but it was a beautiful one in its own broken way. I snapped a pretend picture with my hands and stored it away, hoping to add many, many more memories throughout the rest of my life.
His eyes turned up as his lips curved into a smile. His mom touched my shoulder and said, "Thank you." But I was still staring at the boy across the room. Who was still staring at me with a barely visible tear drop stuck in the corner of his eye. I stood, walked over to him, and kissed it away, tasting the salt of his tears as I closed my eyes and felt his love for me. No words needed. No kiss needed. Just ... him. We had officially fallen.
Chapter 59
His mom insisted I call her "Mum," which was weird at first for several reasons, but I got used to it before I had to go. She let me stay in the house, but made me sleep on the couch. I woke up in the middle of the night to his breath on my face and his body against mine and I can't describe how perfect if felt, no matter how imperfect we were. He was gone before the sun woke up and I thought it was a dream until he smiled at me in the morning with a mischievous little grin on his face.
Our goodbye was dreadful. Tears and heart-twisting pains in my chest. But he promised and I promised to talk every day at least once. No excuses. No way around it.
We texted while I waited for my flight and when I landed I immediately got an email from him.
Dearest Jane,
Thank you for this weekend. Thank you for finding me and caring enough to still come after all of those months of thinking I abandoned you. I'm still sorry whether you want me to be or not. I'm thinking of you. Hope the flight isn't too long. Can't wait to hear from you. (Takes forever to text with one hand, so this is a bit short, but my thoughts of you are anything but.)
Yours,
Alistair
PS- Don't know if I told you, but I thought it the entire time ... You are so beautiful. For so many reasons. In so many ways. That is all.
I emailed him back as everyone filed out of the plane.
My sweet Alistair,
You have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.
Yours ALWAYS,
Jane
PS - you'll always be gorgeous to me. Those eyes...
{ Readers - You can LISTEN to a few voicemails by clicking here }
And that was the start of days and days and days of constant emails, texts, and phone calls. And I do mean constant.
Carpe diem, right?
I couldn't visit during the entire summer. The shop had plenty of orders, but it was at a stage where it was too busy to leave and not busy enough to hire more people, but Alistair and I were faithful in our promise to speak every night. Looking back, I feel like that was one of the happiest times of my life. The joy of getting to fall in love not once, but twice, with the same person.
Occasionally he had some sort of emotional outburst, whether it was frustration, happiness, or sadness. But I read up on people recovering from TBI enough to know that it was the injury causing those reactions, not him.
In September I was finally able to visit again and he had significant more function in his leg and face. So his facial muscles had less spasms and his face was starting to look like his old self again. He was so proud and Mum was too. I met his Dad during that visit and when I left he gave me a really good hug and told me that Alistair had changed since I came back. He thanked me for loving him and told me to come back soon. They didn't know I had plans to move there in the spring. It was my birthday present to myself and I was planning to surprise Alistair on the day we met, which was my birthday.
So when I left his house that day I stayed a few extra days to sort out some details with a shop I found in London. I was hoping for Bristol or something a little less busy, but that's where it ended up working out. Before leaving I signed a lease for a place on Regent Street. It was extremely busy, a stream of people always on the sidewalk, and the rent was not cheap, but I thought the populated, heavy shopping area would work out well. Plus it was gorgeous. The building ... just wow. Stone buildings with large windows. I couldn't wait to show Alistair.
I applied for a work visa and was given a Tier 1 visa for being an entrepreneur or having special talents. It took a lot of work and help from Dad, but I prepared an amazing document and business plan when I got home. It helped that I already placed a deposit on the store too.
I was given two years to live and work in the UK and would apply again for a three year extension. At five years I could apply for an Indefinite Leave to Remain, which gave me chills just thinking about it.
Alistair would be so surprised and I couldn't wait for May to come. Of course it came as slow as possible. I spent Christmas in Mansfield with Alistair, Mum, Dad, and his aunts and uncles. Alistair's mobility was even better, but what I loved most was his smile. I felt like he smiled the entire time I visited and the passionate kisses we snuck in the middle of the night brought back old memories.
My next visit would be in May, as a new resident of London. And he had absolutely no idea. And I could absolutely not wait. Soon enough, I kept telling myself, and with every paper I f
illed out and every detail I planned the butterflies returned and my hands would literally shake. I really, really couldn't wait to see his face when I showed him and it brought tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
Chapter 60
May! Beautiful, sunshiney, warm, lovely May! Today was the big day. No, not that big day. My moving day. It was a little complicated, but I had a lot of stuff shipped over to London and decided that in some cases it would be cheaper to buy new stuff once I got there.
Dad, Mom, Eddie, Zoe, Donovan, and Han flew over with me to stay the first few days and help me get acclimated. Once we got there we set up some things in my flat and went out to eat in London. I was still weeks away from telling Alistair, but I couldn't focus during dinner and I could barely eat. I kept getting nervously excited that this. was. really. happening. Really, really happening. Really. Really. Really. Happening.
I leaned into Zoe while she finished her dessert and whispered, "I want to tell him now."
"I heard that," Don said from the other side of her. "Don't do it. Wait for The Big Day."
We had this fun surprise planned for The Big Day. It would be two years from the time we met, on the dot, and I wanted to bring Alistair on holiday to London, then causally walk by the store and show him.
I had three weeks left to torture myself waiting. I'm horrible at keeping secrets from Alistair. Horrible. Every time I got him a gift I ended up giving it to him early, unwrapped, because I just couldn't help myself.
But Don was right. I should wait.
I looked around the table during dessert and missed Autumn. Since she started college things never got back to normal. She started smoking pot and calling me while high, which annoyed the hell out of me. One, because she laughed the entire time and made no sense. Two, because she only talked about boys and didn't keep one long enough for me to remember who she was talking about. She was one of those sorority peeps too and way, way into her new girl friends. She was a different person and we grew apart more and more each day. Something I never imagined happening when we held each other on her bed before she left. But that's okay. I was okay with it. Broken promises change you for the better if you let them. It was all part of the plan.
"I think I should move here with you," Zoe said. "Would it be hard?"
"Maybe not. I could hire you and you could apply for a temporary work visa."
"Hm. I'll look into that."
Mom and Dad paid for dinner and we all went back to my new flat about forty minutes from the shop. It was a nice one bedroom flat on Floyd Street in Charlton. Even had stairs going up to the bedroom and bath. Unfortunately though, the bath wouldn't fit both of us in it. Yes, I considered that when looking for a place. I'd been wanting to repeat that memory ever since.
It wasn't a big place and everyone wanted to stay the night to make it easier and less expensive, which was fine with me, but cramped. Zoe and Han slept with me in my new queen size bed, Mom and Dad slept on the couches downstairs, and Donovan slept on the floor beside my bed.
Did I mention I loved every second of it?
Over breakfast Mom and Dad told funny stories about Don and me. Eddie chimed in a few times too.
"Remember the time Don tried to throw a pebble at your window and it broke the window?" Eddie said. "You came running in my room thinking someone was trying to shoot you."
"Hey, man," Donovan said. "There comes a point in every boy's life where he realizes the difference between the pebble and the rock." He made a goofy face. "Some of us mature faster than others."
I shook my head. "You're seriously the biggest dork."
"I think he's adorkable," Zoe said, then looked at Han and flushed with pink.
Ah. Yeah. Awkward moment two point O.
"Well, if my opinion counts," Don said. "I know two huge geeks who have Batman pajamas, bathing suits, and tattoos, and throw movie and comic book quotes into serious conversations."
I held my hands up. "Guilty as charged."
"I'm so happy for you, Jane." Mom reached her hand across the table and held my wrist.
"Oh, not the tears, Mum," I said. "You're just happy I'm dating a British boy and living in your favorite place ever."
She held up her hands. "Guilty as charged." She smiled. "No, really, Jane," she said in her English accent. "I'm so proud of my little girl. You've grown so much in the last few years."
Dad crossed his arms over his chest, leaned back in his chair, and chewed the inside of his cheek.
"Dad? You're getting emotional too?"
He pinched the top of his nose. "Just going to miss you, honey."
"Oh, no," I said. "Don't make me cry guys."
Zoe scooted her chair back and hugged me. I stood and hugged her back as she cried into my shoulder. Then Donovan and Han joined in on the hug while Dad kissed Mom's tears away on the other side of the table, Eddie sitting oddly beside them.
"Guys, I'll be visiting and we'll talk," I said, but then it all hit me. My life was changing. These people helped me get to where I now stood. They were there for my first steps. And my first kiss. They raised me and supported me and taught me and ... loved me.
And now they were letting me fly.
Eddie walked over and pulled me from the group hug, took me into his arms, and said, "I admire you and always have. I'd say I'm gonna miss you, but you already know that."
A lonesome tear fell from my eye and into his shirt as I looked at Mom.
She smiled back at me and mouthed, "I love you."
And then the tears ... they were unstoppable.
Chapter 61
The. Big. Day.
May 17th.
IT WAS FINALLY HERE!
AHHH!
Okay.
Yes.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It’s safe to say I didn’t sleep. Alistair didn’t even know I lived in the UK now, much less owned a new store that would be opening in June and had my own flat. I knew it was going to make him so, so happy and I had this little paper taped to the door of the store that told him how I felt and what I did.
He still didn’t feel comfortable driving, so he wanted me to come pick him up first. And since it was almost a four hour drive, I planned to stay the night there and then bring him to London for the surprise. I hadn’t told Mum either. No one knew. It was going to be a long, long night of no sleep again.
When I pulled up to Mum’s house I nearly ran to the door, so excited to see him. She was at work, so it was just him, but he didn’t answer.
I tried knocking on the windows, but nothing. Last time he told me where the spare key was hidden, in the backyard under a stone, so I quickly ran back there and saw a note taped to the stone instead.
Jane … meet me at the treehouse. I’ll be waiting.
I held my hand over my mouth. He remembered my birthday. I didn’t think he would. Since the accident he was horrible with numbers. He could barely remember his own birthday. What did he have planned? I wondered and had the fleeting thought that maybe, just maybe, maybe, maybe … he’d propose.
But I didn’t want to get my hopes up.
“Actually,” I told myself. “Screw it. Get your hopes up.”
“Yep,” I said back to myself. “In the words of Nightwing, ‘You’ll never know if you can fly unless you take the risk of falling.’”
“Hopes. Are. Up.”
I jogged back to my car, buckled up, and drove as fast as I could without being reckless. It was another few hours in the car, but it was worth it. He was worth it. Thankfully he was smart enough to put the address on the back of the note, otherwise he would’ve been waiting a heck of a long time.
By the time I pulled up in front of the house, it was dark, but I saw lights glowing from the backyard and I wondered … could he really propose right now? And how would these people not notice the lights in the back? And … who drove him?
I couldn’t wait any longer.
Running to the back, hair in the cool spring breeze, my entire body
filled with butterflies. I think even my mind was fluttering. Every inch of me felt like one twitchy, adrenaline-filled mess of a person.
Then I stopped.
And so did my heart.
I brought my hands to my face, closed my eyes, and although I desperately wanted to maintain a composed state of being … I started to laugh.
He stood there, holding his cane instead of the walker, wearing the Alfred Pennyworth suit his dad bought from my store. His face was brighter than the thousands of candles surrounding him. So bright I barely noticed my friends and family standing around him. 1812 Overture played in the background, coming from the person’s house it seemed.
I stood there for a few minutes, unable to move. Then he walked through everyone—he walked—and took my hand.
“Jane,” he whispered.
I breathed in and let out a soft cry. “Alistair.”
We stood in silence for a few minutes as the song hummed sweetly in the background.
“Happy birthday,” he said against my ear.
Shivers. Shivers. Shivers.
I expected him to kneel down any minute, but he stayed there holding my hands and after another minute of looking into each other’s eyes, he finally said, “I want you to know that the reason I’m standing here right now without that walker is because of you. Before you came back I had such little motivation to go on, to get better. But after that, after you came back that first time, I knew I needed to be strong for you, for us Jane. For us, do you hear me?” He held my face in his hands. “Us.” He kissed me, then stepped back. “So, I was intending to propose to you today, because this is The Big Day as I’m sure you’re well aware, but … thing is … what’s the point of proposing when you know you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone?” A man, a stranger, stepped up to him, then Alistair took a box out of his pocket and gave it to me. “Open it.”