Now, as she lays beneath me, both of us riding out this intense feeling, it’s much better having her here in person. I came close to admitting how much I care about her tonight, but I’m glad she stopped me. This is all new—for both of us—and I don’t want to risk losing the few parts of her she has actually shared. I get the sense she’s trying, but still isn’t ready. I don’t know what happened to make her so guarded, but it must have been something majorly fucked up. If she is starting to trust me a little more now, even just as a friend, I don’t want to screw it up by changing the terms of our deal.
I’m still buried inside her, and have no desire to ever move from this very spot. But then I feel bad I might be crushing her, so I give her a soft kiss on her forehead and reluctantly pull away to lie on my back.
We both relax before she rolls over to curl up next to my side. Her head rests on my chest as her fingers lazily draw patterns against my ribcage. And damn it if my dick doesn’t start to stir to life again.
Calm down, boy.
“So, was it good for you?” she breathes, still tracing my skin.
I can’t help but chuckle, remembering what I lamely asked her after our first time together at the office party. Thank God we still seem to be us. “Eh, it was all right,” I tease back.
She gives me a playful shove and I wrap my arms tighter, pulling her so close that she’s half draped on top of me. She curls her left leg around my right and I kiss her hair. I breathe her in—she smells like flowers and cotton candy and it’s my new favorite thing to smell in the entire world. I rub my hands up and down her back, and as I glance down I notice some black script scrawled across her left shoulder. I move to sit up so I can get a better look and position her to sit between my legs, her back to my front.
I run my fingers along the dark colored words that contrast so perfectly on her pale skin. The soul that sees beauty must sometimes walk alone is scrawled in a delicate, simple script.
“I got that the week my parents died. I guess I was trying to deal with everything and needed a permanent reminder of this.” I can tell by the way she stiffens in my arms and keeps staring at the same spot in her lap that she is getting lost in her own faraway thoughts. She tries to put on a brave face and loves to tease and be playful, but I know it’s just the way she copes with things. Hell, I do the same thing. She thinks she’s able to hide her true feelings, but somehow I’m learning to see through to the real Kinsley. It only fuels my need to protect her and make her feel safe. I know what it’s like to lose a parent, but I can’t imagine how much tougher it was for her to have both of hers unexpectedly ripped away all at once.
I also know there is still more to her story than she is willing to share with me yet.
But I understand what it means to numb yourself, if only to try and feel something again, as twisted as that logic sounds. I did the same fucking thing and got my own tattoo when things got particularly bad after I ended it with Chelsea.
“You have one, too, right?” Kinsley asks, as if reading my mind. “Did you get it for your mom?”
She scoots to face me and starts scanning my right side. I lean back and prop myself up on my elbows so she can see it as I shrug. It’s a picture of an anchor, but the top is crumbling away to reveal a pair of angel wings breaking through and starting to soar upwards. Entwined around the anchor are the words The struggle is part of the story. Kinsley inspects it closely before looking gently up at me and whispering “Did it hurt?”
Not knowing exactly what she’s referring to, the tattoo or losing my mom, I respond truthfully either way with “Yeah, it hurt like hell.” Not wanting her to look so sad, though, I follow up with “But luckily I survived.” I lean in to give her a quick kiss on the lips. As much as I love getting to know the deeper parts of Kinsley, it’s been an emotional night and I want to see her happy again, not haunted. “Hungry? You didn’t eat much at dinner.”
“Maybe a little.” She admits.
“Good.” I stand up and start to walk toward the kitchen.
“Where are you going?” I hear her giggle, still perched on the bed.
“I wasn’t kidding when I said I make a mean grilled cheese. Just you wait—I promise you’ll be impressed.” I walk to the kitchen and begin to rifle through the fridge to gather up my ingredients.
“And do you always cook naked?” Kinsley trails behind me and leans against the wall at the end of the hallway. She’s still naked, too, by the way.
I stand tall, holding cheese in one hand and a loaf of bread in the other, giving her a full frontal view. I feign a shocked expression. “And risk getting burned by hot cheese or some shit? Of course not.” I plaster on a big grin and motion to a scrap of fabric hanging on a nearby hook. “I wear an apron, of course.”
The sweetest laughter erupts from her lips. I’d do anything to hear her make that sound forever. “But we have to eat it naked. Tastes better that way.” I wink at her and she continues to laugh. I’m pretty sure I hear her mumble “You’re crazy” as she turns and makes her way back to the bedroom.
“And you love it,” I call out loudly as I focus back on the task at hand.
“Mmmmomhygoodnessthisissooogood.”
“Told you you’d be impressed.”
I set up an impromptu picnic on the bed and Kinsley chews her first bite of the grilled cheese I made her. She smiles in between bites and I scarf my own down right beside her.
I hear my phone beep from my pants pocket, still on the floor, so I reach down to pick it up. I see two missed calls from the DSGN offices. It’s late on a Friday, so this can’t be good. I look from my phone back to Kinsley, who looks completely content laying back, eating a grilled cheese sandwich naked on my bed. In theory this shouldn’t be sexy, but it is. I’m just about to toss my phone and the food aside to ravage her all over when my phone beeps again. Damn it.
I grudgingly pick up the call with a frustrated “Yeah?”
“Lucas? Hey, it’s Chelsea. I’m so sorry to keep calling you on a Friday night, but I’m here at the office working late and I think I screwed up. Erik asked me to back up some new files for the new site and I think I accidentally erased them. I really, really hope I didn’t lose them for good, so I don’t want to stress him out even more if I don’t have to. I thought since you also know this system inside and out, you might be able to help? If you’re not busy, that is . . .”
Shit. I run my hand through my hair and rub the side of my face as I contemplate the situation. I really, really don’t want to leave Kinsley, but if DSGN can’t launch next week as planned we will have a big problem.
“Give me ten minutes.” I don’t bother with a goodbye as I hang up. I get up and start to put my clothes back on. “I’m so sorry Kins . . . I have to run to the office. Chelsea thinks she might have screwed up some important files so I have to go see if I can sort it out.”
Kinsley looks confused. “Wait, Chelsea . . . like your ex-girlfriend Chelsea?”
Did I forget to mention she works for Erik? I nod. “She’s actually Erik’s assistant at DSGN.”
She looks dazed before a realization must dawn on her. “Is she the tall blonde you were talking to at the bar?”
“Yeah, that must have been her. Why, did you meet her?” I pull my shirt over my head and zip up my pants.
Kinsley shakes her head and looks as if she might be sick for a second. I hope there wasn’t something wrong with the food . . .
But then she takes a deep breath and also gets up to begin searching for her own clothes. “I’ll get my stuff and you can drop me at my place . . .”
I pause to place my hands on her shoulders. “No, please stay here. I’ll be as quick as I can.”
She looks as if she’s having an internal debate before conceding. “You’re sure you want me here?”
“There is no place I’d rather have you. In and out, I promise.”
I give her shoulder a light squeeze and grab my keys as I rush out the door.
The sooner I go
and get this over with, the sooner I can be back home with Kinsley.
Home.
As I practically jog to my car, I realize that this is the first time ever I’ve thought of my apartment as a real home, and it has everything to do with the girl currently half naked inside it. Home was always the house I lived in with my mom and my dad, but Kinsley makes me start to want things I didn’t think I was capable of.
And that thought both comforts and scares the shit out of me.
I pull up to the DSGN offices, park my car in the garage, and head to the elevators. As I arrive to the twenty-sixth floor and the doors ding open, I notice it’s extremely dark and quiet. Not that I expect a full staff, but it’s almost eerie.
I walk down the hall and see a light coming from Erik’s office. I make my way to the door and push it open. Chelsea is sitting behind Erik’s desk. She looks extremely relieved to see me.
“Lucas, thank goodness you’re here! I think I really screwed up.” She looks down at the floor, obviously embarrassed.
I walk around the side of the desk so I can see the computer screen. It sure seems like the files were wiped all right. Chelsea looks like she’s about to cry. “Hey, it’s all right.” I squeeze her shoulder. “I think I can fix it.”
I load up the external hard drive, which does an automatic backup of all the systems every day. After clicking around a bit, I find the most recent backup, and wait for it to load in the system.
Chelsea looks at the screen as the progress bar moves slowly to the right. “Oh my God, Luc, you’re the best!” She jumps up and wraps me in a tight hug. I give her a platonic hug back, and I can’t help but notice how much different it feels to have Kinsley in my arms.
We release each other and Chelsea takes a step back. I look at the girl in front of me—a girl who I spent five entire years with—and realize I know nothing about her. Nothing that matters, anyway. I have no idea how to really read what she’s thinking or how she’s feeling. In the short time I’ve known Kinsley, I feel like I just get her. I may not know many factual details about who she is—where she grew up or her first pet’s name or how old she was when she learned to ride a bike—but I know her. I know her soul. She may be kind of crazy, especially when it comes to love, but then again, so am I.
I’ve always used Chelsea as a reference point to compare every woman, but that’s not fair—nor is it accurate. What Chelsea and I had was what Chelsea and I had. What I feel with Kinsley is something completely different. It might be confusing as hell, but it’s us.
I look back at Chelsea and smile, because I finally know it’s time to let her go. She stares back at me expectantly.
I put my hands in my pockets and take a step back. “You know, Chels, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I want you to know what happened between us wasn’t your fault. I didn’t know who I was or what I needed, but I want to thank you for always being there for me.”
The computer makes a beeping noise, indicating the download is ready. It’s enough of a distraction to make me realize this isn’t the time nor the place for a full, heartfelt conversation. That will come later, but for now I need to get back to Kinsley.
I motion to the computer. “This should be all set now, just double click the file and wait for it to load.”
I head for the door when Chelsea calls my name. “Wait, Luc. Are you OK? Did something happen? You seem . . . I don’t know. Different.”
I think of all the ways Kinsley has helped change me. “Yeah, I feel different. I really think I’ve changed. For the better. Now it’s time to step up and be the man I always hoped I could be.” I smile, remembering the way Kinsley’s entire face lights up when I make her laugh. Suddenly I can’t stand being away from her for another second. “Don’t worry, I’ll tell you all about it soon.”
And with that I rush out of the office, ready to head home to the crazy, beautiful girl waiting for me.
Kinsley
I stand alone in Lucas’ bedroom after he leaves for the office. I know he said they were still friends, but I didn’t realize Chelsea and him basically work together. I completely understand his job being important to him, but I might be just a little jealous he went running as soon as she called. I thought we’d have more time, but maybe he’s already realized he’s ready for a real relationship again. That he can play the hero to some special somebody who needs him—and whom he needs right back. Something definitely seemed more . . . intimate? passionate? . . . with us tonight, and since he knows I’m not a forever kind of girl, he might want to give things with Chelsea another shot.
This is why I don’t do serious. This is why I put up walls. This feeling of getting too close only to have it ripped away is like a glass of ice water to the face. Familiar, painful memories start to creep in, and that’s all it takes for the same anger and confusion to take root again.
I know it’s my own fault and, given my past experiences, I just can’t shake the feeling that I’ve suddenly gotten in way over my head. Being alone is better. Easier. Isn’t it?
I knew it was dangerous to open myself up, even a little bit. Sometimes all it takes is one crack for an entire building to crumble. I’m stuck in a self-destructive spiral that makes me want to scream.
I don’t want this.
I can’t want this.
But in such a short time—especially after tonight—I’ve grown so attached to Luc that I’m not sure I have the strength to walk away. He’s so sweet and funny and caring and he’s slowly working his way into my heart. I know it’s crazy, but I’m willing to take whatever he’ll give me for now, even if it means sharing him. I want so desperately to believe that I make a difference for him . . . that he can be different for me, too.
I pull my dress over my head and curl up on the edge of Lucas’ bed. As my eyes drift closed, I uselessly let myself imagine a life beyond being just friends with Luc. We both have pasts, but maybe our future together can help fade that.
If anyone is going to piece me back together and make me feel whole again, it’s Lucas.
Which means he also has the potential to seriously shatter me.
Lucas
The next morning I wake up to the smell of bacon, eggs, and pancakes wafting from the kitchen. It takes me a second to fully get my bearings and I realize I’m alone in my bed, still fully clothed from yesterday. When I got home last night, Kinsley was already curled up asleep. She looked so peaceful, so content, that I didn’t want to wake her, so I got in bed and passed out myself.
I jump in for a quick shower and throw on a new pair of jeans and white t-shirt before heading into the kitchen. Kinsley is wearing her dress from last night and has her hair pulled up into a messy bun on top of her head. She stands at the stove, scraping the last of some eggs onto a plate. She turns to place it next to the other fully loaded dish at the bar of the island and looks startled when she finally sees me.
“I could get used to this,” I say as I make my way to sit on one of the stools.
“It’s only fair—you bought dinner and made me a snack last night.” She sits beside me and starts to dig into her own plate. “I hope it’s OK I raided your fridge.”
I load my fork with a big helping of eggs and pancake and shovel it into my mouth. I finish swallowing before responding, “You’re welcome to anything in this place to do what you want with, babe.” I grab a piece of bacon and give her a cocky wink before devouring it. “Especially me.”
She laughs and sips her glass of water. “I’ll keep that in mind.” She clears her throat and then asks, “So, how did it go last night?”
“Sorry I was gone so long. Chelsea felt really bad about deleting some files so I had to help. It might have screwed up the launch and we can’t afford the setback right now.”
Kinsley mumbles sarcastically, “Quite the hero, I see.”
I tease her back. “You know I’m all about helping a woman in her time of need.” I smirk, thinking about how much I loved meeting Kinsley when she tried to fix the sink. The pur
e joy I felt coming home to find her asleep in my bed only confirmed my deeper feelings. I still need to take things slow so she doesn’t shut down on me, but I’m confident this is the right move.
Fuck just being friends. I want more. I’m ready for more.
Speaking of Moore, Kinsley looks back at her plate and says more seriously, “I’m glad you were able to help then.”
I rest my elbow on the counter and lean toward her. “On Saturdays I usually go to my dad’s. He comes home today and I was going to check-in and see how his trip went. Would you like to come with me?”
“I’d love to but I have some work to do. Catch up on some bookkeeping and emails. Raincheck?” She busies herself with clearing her plate, even though she hasn’t eaten half of it.
“You got it. I’ll drop you off on my way then.” I know it’s lame, but I can’t stand the thought of not knowing when I’ll be able to see her next. I try to think of a way to make plans. “Tomorrow Tristan and Logan are having a party at their beach house. Ryan and I were going to stop by. You should come. Kelley, too.”
She doesn’t answer right away, but finally agrees. “Sounds good. Text me the details and I’ll talk to Kelley. Would you mind if I used your shower first before we leave?” The way she asks so innocently makes me smile.
“Only if I can join you.” I give her a smoldering stare.
“I thought you just took a shower?” she shoots back with a matter-of-fact tone.
Thinking quickly, I swipe my finger through the puddle of syrup sitting on my plate and smear it across my cheek. “I seem to have gotten dirty again.” I look at her with a not-so-innocent grin.
“Oh, you’re dirty all right . . .”
She’s just starting to give into her laughter when I reach out and grab her, picking her up in a fireman’s hold and heading for the bathroom. I give her a playful slap on the ass and say “Come on babe, I’ll show you just how dirty I can really get.”
Crazy Beautiful (Crazy Beautiful #1) Page 10