by Jamie Beck
David briefly closed his eyes and shook his head while a shiver traveled the length of his entire body.
She had to see his rationale. Maybe she’d even be sympathetic due to the magnitude of what he’d confided in her. Surely, at least, she’d understand he hadn’t used her the other night.
Her fingers fiddled with the pencils on the table while she considered his last remarks. But when she looked at him, he saw no compassion in her eyes.
“You’re wrong, David. I know exactly how it feels to find out everything you believed about someone is false, because you’re just like your dad. You’ve basically betrayed one woman with another. You’re keeping secrets to protect yourself, or your image, or whatever. Funny you can’t forgive him, yet you expect me to forgive you.”
“I’m nothing like my father!” Her insult ripped through his heart. “I’m not married to Laney. We don’t share children and a life. She hasn’t sacrificed anything for me. And besides, we were essentially broken up when I acted on my feelings for you.”
“Essentially broken up?” Vivi shook her head. “Laney moved her life to be close to you. Maybe you didn’t take vows before God, but you owed her better than you gave, David.”
Her words stopped him, scattering his thoughts before he could defend against her twisted rationale. He’d failed to convince her. With nothing left to lose, he tried guilt. “If you think I’m as selfish as my father, then you’ve never known me at all.”
“That’s exactly what I’d already admitted in my e-mail. You’re neither loyal nor selfless. And you’re a coward.”
“A coward? Why? Because I prefer to preserve a long-term friendship rather than roll the dice on a risky love affair?” He stood defiantly while she stared. He bit back a scream, settling for something less than a shout. “So you’d risk your relationship with Cat and Jackson, and our friendship, on the chance of love?”
“I’d have risked anything for your love, David.” Her answer came quick and direct, then she looked away. “But not anymore.”
She stood and clasped her hands together in front of her hips. “I’ve heard you out. We disagree. You should go now.” She turned away from him, then glanced over her shoulder. “I’m sorry I can’t feel much sympathy for you now. I will keep both secrets—ours and your dad’s. You can count on me for that much, anyway.”
His world went black. Perspiration beaded on his forehead and his eyes stung.
“Vivi, your friendship means everything to me.” He crossed the room and came up behind her. “I don’t want to lose it.”
“Of course you don’t. Who would willingly let go of someone who gives everything and asks for nothing in return?” She turned toward him, her arms wrapped around her waist. “For years, your attention convinced me I was unique and lovable. I savored every minute we spent together, and in return I gave you absolutely everything I had to give.
“Instead of turning to me, you disappeared and cut me out. Now you’ve come back as someone I don’t recognize. I’ve tried to be supportive, to defend your recent choices, but I can’t do it anymore. Not after the other night. Now I’m tapped out, too.”
“Don’t say that.” He hugged her to his chest and kissed her head, though she remained rigid in his arms. “If I took our friendship for granted while I was away, it wasn’t because I don’t care. Jesus, Vivi, our night together was exceptional. Better than with any other woman. Please believe me. I never wanted it to hurt you. Tell me, at least, you know how much you’ve always meant to me.”
“If you care at all, then you’ll leave me alone. And you’re wrong about something else. This isn’t just about forgiveness, David. It’s about self-respect.” She tipped up her chin. “I’m done groveling for scraps of affection from you, from anyone. You can’t give me what I want, so let me go.”
“I can, Vivi. I’ll do better as a friend, I swear it.” Her breath grazed the skin on his arms. “Just tell me what you want.”
“Everything.” She pushed free from the embrace. “I want everything.”
“Everything or nothing?” He sighed. “You’re being unfair.”
“Life’s never fair. I’ve learned to adapt, and you will, too.” She turned away. “Please leave, David. You’ve worn me down. I don’t want your company. I don’t want to think about the past, or why you want to blame everything on your dad, or anything else you’ve said.”
He stood, motionless, searching her eyes for any mercy. None.
“Just please go.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
St. Jameses’ House
Nineteen Months Ago
Mr. St. James opened the door, looking more imposing than ever. Unlike his wife, his handsome features were austere. Countless interactions hadn’t made Vivi much more comfortable than the first time she’d met him. Even now, she referred to him formally, while years ago she’d begun to call his wife by her name, Graciela. Vivi’s heart warmed at the thought of her pseudo-mom.
“Hi, Mr. St. James!” She flashed him her best grin and stepped forward to enter the house.
He unexpectedly blocked her entry.
“Today’s not a good day, Vivi.” Despite his stiff manner and firmly set mouth, he appeared flummoxed.
“But she’s expecting me.” Vivi held out the book she’d been reading to Graciela each week since she’d been confined to bed. “It’s our reading day!”
“She’s not up to it today. I’m sorry.”
A lump swelled in Vivi’s throat. Cat had estimated two months before Graciela would pass away. Had her condition taken a turn for the worse? Before Vivi could ask, David barked at his father from inside the house.
“Let her in.” David appeared beside his father. His flushed face warned of his mood. “Mom needs cheering up.”
“I think I know what my wife needs, David,” his father countered. “She’s exhausted.”
“Let’s not pretend you’re thinking of her needs right now.” David reached past his father and yanked Vivi into the house. “I am, and she needs Vivi today.”
Vivi watched the two men engage in a silent contest of will. Mr. St. James shocked her by backing down without another word and disappearing into his study. The door clicked shut behind him.
David glared at the closed door as if he could burn it down with his eyes. She reached for his arm, unaccustomed to seeing him so wound up. His chin dropped and his eyes closed tight. Were his lips quivering?
“What’s wrong?” she asked. “Has your mom gotten much worse?”
He lifted his head, gazing at her through teary eyes. Instinct took over. She wrapped her arms around him, rubbing his back while pressing her head to his chest. His body trembled as he cried. Then quite suddenly, he straightened up and wiped his eyes.
“I’m sorry.” He grabbed his keys from the entry table. “I’ve got to get out of here.”
“Wait!” she called. “What’s happened?”
She noticed his hands fist by his side before he said, “I can’t say.”
“You can tell me anything, David. Let me help you.”
Except for the involuntary slow shake of his head, he stood perfectly still. His gaze remained unfocused until he looked directly at her.
“No, Vivi. Please don’t pry.” David closed the distance between them and gathered her to his chest. He laid his cheek against her head and spoke softly. “Thank you for caring. At least I know I’ve never misjudged you. You’re the most generous, loving person I know. Don’t ever change.”
Without another word, he released her and strode out the door. Through the side transom window in the entry, she watched him jog to his car.
She hesitated, choosing between chasing him down and visiting his mother. The book in her hand helped her decide.
She glanced at the closed study door. No. She couldn’t intrude on Mr. St. James to ask what had upset David. Something
awful must have provoked David to fight with his much-adored father. Her stomach tumbled over at the thought. Perhaps she would find answers with Graciela.
She went upstairs toward the master suite. Family pictures hung on the wall of the now-familiar hallway of the St. James home. This would be Graciela’s legacy—a beautiful, happy family. In many people’s eyes, Graciela probably led a small life. But Vivi knew her love would leave an indelible imprint on everyone it touched. What mattered more than love?
She arrived at the threshold of the master bedroom, hesitating before tapping on the bedroom door.
“Come in.” Graciela’s voice sounded hoarse.
Vivi entered the dim room and crossed to the windows to part the drapes.
Used tissues were tossed on the nightstand. Graciela’s eyes were red despite the smile she forced when she saw Vivi.
“Mija, come sit.” She patted the bed.
Vivi loved being referred to with motherly affection. But as she slid onto the bed and sat crossed-legged, she grew concerned by Graciela’s mood.
“Is everything okay?” she asked. “You look upset, and I’ve never seen David so shaken.”
Graciela glanced out the window. Vivi noticed her lip quivering. Without meeting Vivi’s eyes, Graciela clasped her hand.
“David will need time to wrestle with a demon. He’ll need a lot of understanding, without demands.” She turned her gaze on Vivi. “You be there for him when I can’t, Mija. I know I can count on you. You love him and he loves you. When he confides in you, tell him family matters more than pride. Will you do that for me?”
“I’ll do anything for you,” Vivi said, puzzled by the request and message. “But you give me too much credit. David might not confide in me, and he certainly doesn’t love me.”
“I know my son.” Graciela smiled and fingered a lock of Vivi’s hair before cupping her cheek with a bony hand. “Now, enough of this. Where did we leave off with our little story?”
Vivi tamped down the thrill of hope coursing through her body. David loved her? Settling back against the headboard, she refrained from questioning Graciela further, and opened The Help to chapter sixteen.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Present Day
Having spent most of August frustrated by her torn feelings for David and her inability to feel anything more than friendship for Franco despite his best efforts, Vivi welcomed the surge of optimism prompted by her first teacher in-service day. She loved the Catholic elementary school where she’d worked for the past four years. Soon the students’ laughter and boundless wonder would fill her days.
For nine months of each year, Vivi soaked up their love and admiration like a dry sponge pitched into a lake. The accumulated hugs and approval always sustained her through the dry spell of summer.
Between grade-level team meetings, she’d stocked her art room with brushes, markers, crayons, paints, papers, clay, and glue. She’d revised and updated her curriculum for each grade, and decorated her classroom with a few personal touches. While she was checking her class rosters against the name tags she’d created, her phone rang.
“Hi, Cat,” Vivi said.
“What are you doing right now?”
“Getting my classroom ready.”
“Oh, well, don’t forget about tonight. I’ve got birthday plans for you.”
Vivi had seen Cat only once since Block Island, partly because Cat had been traveling frequently for work, and partly because Vivi had feared Cat discovering the secrets she’d been struggling to keep. Time apart had enabled her to sort out her feelings about everything that happened during that trip. Today she felt reasonably certain she could act indifferent if David or his dad came up in conversation.
“How could I forget?” she replied. “What have you planned?”
“Something fun and frivolous . . . so dress up.”
“Will we be meeting up with Justin and his friends at some point?” Vivi’s nose wrinkled at the thought. Cat had reunited with Justin soon after she’d returned from Block Island. Having learned more about Justin’s private behavior had sickened Vivi. Then again, she’d never particularly liked him.
In fact, he reminded her of the typical asshole jock in every high school movie she’d ever seen. The arrogant, controlling jerk who dated the head cheerleader and laughed at her mean-girl antics. Vivi snickered at the analogy, considering he and Cat were sometimes only as mature as a high school couple.
Then again, Justin had never liked Vivi any better than she’d liked him. He’d so obviously considered her, with her average appearance and unglamorous job, far beneath him.
“No, I won’t be seeing him tonight or any other night,” Cat said.
Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise. Vivi should feel sad for her friend, but this news made her happy on too many levels.
“I’m sorry if you’re unhappy.” She tried to disguise the glee in her voice. “I guess we can talk about the gory details tonight.”
“I’m sick of talking about Justin. I just want to have fun with my best friend on her birthday, okay?” Cat’s overly bright voice was less than convincing, but Vivi didn’t argue.
Besides, Vivi had earned a girls’ night out on the town. Cat’s plans would be fun. Of course, she didn’t delude herself, either. The girls-only part would end abruptly after dinner.
Undoubtedly Cat would drag her all over Manhattan, where Vivi would end up playing the sidekick. Whenever Cat and Justin broke up, Cat needed to remind herself of the other fish in the sea by going out and being flirted with by every man within a mile of her presence.
Cat’s insecurities boggled Vivi’s mind, but she wouldn’t deny her friend this indulgence. Everyone had their own way of handling loss. Who was she to refute Cat’s right to party right through it?
“Sounds great, Cat. And I promise to do at least one thing to make you laugh, even though I know it will probably be at my own expense.”
“That’s why I love you!” Cat laughed. “Can you come by at seven?”
“See you then.”
Vivi organized her name tags, cleared her desk, and put her phone in her purse before leaving the art room.
She strolled home, passing various cafés in her neighborhood and smiling at the patrons who sat at crowded café tables clustered on the sidewalks. Even the typical late-summer air—muggy, hot, and a little stinky—didn’t faze her. Her hair, on the other hand, reacted with its usual flair, growing more unruly with each tenth-mile of her journey.
Vivi unlocked the front door of her apartment building. On the terrazzo tile floor of her small entry sat a bouquet of vibrantly colored Gerbera daisies and a small box. The cheerful flowers stood out against the vestibule’s dull grays and browns.
She noticed her name scrawled across the small white envelope fastened in the plastic cardholder. David had sent the bracelet he’d bought her and two other floral arrangements during the past three weeks, so she guessed these and the gift were also from him.
She picked up the flowers and climbed the stairs to her apartment, thinking about the plans he’d wanted to make for her birthday. No doubt she would’ve enjoyed running around SoHo with him. These gifts made it hard to block him out, to not worry about how he was handling the upcoming wedding. But she’d needed to push him away in order to protect her heart, so she’d been refusing to speak with him ever since he left her apartment weeks ago.
Once inside, she set the vase on her table and sat down to read the card.
Happy birthday, Vivi. These remind me of the colorful, playful girl I miss. In lieu of my other birthday plans, I picked a gift for you. Let me know if you’d like to return it in favor of something else. P.S. Please forgive me.
Two months ago, she would’ve rocketed to the moon on unbridled happiness from this gesture. She would’ve danced around her apartment in victory, convincing herself he wanted more than fr
iendship.
Today, the fuchsia and lemon-yellow blooms served merely as a reminder of her reckless behavior on Block Island. She’d fallen into bed with David the instant he touched her, without first demanding something in return.
No promise, no commitment—nothing.
And that’s exactly what she got, too. No promise, no commitment. Nothing. In fact, she got less than nothing, because now they weren’t even friends.
At first, she’d heaped all the blame on him. He’d wielded all the power, all the control. He’d taken advantage of her.
In hindsight, however, she could admit he’d warned her off, begged her to stop him before it went too far. She could also acknowledge the tremendous distress he’d been suffering, which clearly usurped his judgment that night. Unfortunately, her private admissions didn’t mean she could easily resume the friendship they’d developed over the years.
She just didn’t know how to face him in the wake of their lovemaking.
Not when the intense passion of their night together still affected her. When the imprint of his hands lingered on her skin. When the rapt look in his eyes haunted her every time she closed her own.
Thank God she’d agreed to keep their one-night stand a secret. David’s discretion had spared her further humiliation. Now she needed time to put those memories and broken dreams behind her once and for all. Time to meet him on equal footing without wanting more from him than he did from her. That day seemed a long way off because, despite seeing David’s flaws for the first time, she still loved him. Her irrational heart couldn’t untangle itself from those bonds. She doubted he’d break down and attend his dad’s wedding, but if he did, that still gave her a couple of weeks to prepare to see him again. Of course, each of David’s attempts to soften her resolve distracted her for hours.