by Lila Lacroix
Tina didn't say anything. She waited for Rosie to let go of her arm before pushing her way out of the room and walking towards the break room. She didn't want to have to cut her shift – she needed the money – but there was something that she had to do, even if she was hoping she was so terribly wrong. It would be a disaster.
All the way to the break room, she didn't make eye contact with anyone, and when she finally sank down onto the bench in the room, she hoped that she would be able to recover a little to think straight. She wanted to call Maria, and her mother, but she wanted to be sure before she did anything like that.
Rubbing her hands over her face, she gave herself ten minutes before she moved and made her way to the nearest pharmacy. She had something that she needed to buy and then she could cry forever over the state of her life.
“Oh god,” Tina said, staring down at the pregnancy test. This was the worst thing that had ever happened to her and she didn't want to believe it. She ran her thumb over the display and felt sick, stomach rolling with fear and apprehension and just a little excitement.
She placed the test on the basin beside the toilet and buried her face in her hands. This was the second test in the box – when the first one had come up positive, Tina was sure it was just a mistake and tore open the second packet, taking that test immediately afterwards. She was definitely going to have to call Maria and her mother – and Ryan. Feeling sick for a whole different reason, Tina felt the overwhelming urge to run. Breathing through her nose, she fumbled in her jeans pocket for her phone. Dialling Maria's number, and pretending her hands weren't shaking, she placed the phone against her ear and hoped that Maria wasn't working.
“Girl,” Maria said, when she picked up the phone. “If this is about Ryan-”
“I'm pregnant,” Tina managed, feeling terror seize her heart all over again.
There was a heavy silence on the end of the phone, but then Maria said, “I'm at work till five. Call your mom, and I'll be over as soon as I'm done.”
Tina hung up and sat back on the toilet, resting her head against the wall. She didn't want to call her mum, but if Maria was busy until five, then she didn't really have a lot of choice. Her mother was on her speed dial, and she called through, knowing that her mom always picked up on the third ring.
“Tina, sweetheart, what's wrong?”
Hearing her mother's voice was awful, and it only took a couple of seconds for Tina to get the overwhelming urge to want her mother there with her and burst into tears. She managed to get out what had happened, even though she knew it wasn't easy for her mom to understand, or to deal with, especially because Tina hadn't even told her she had met Ryan again in the restaurant.
“Is Maria there?” her mother asked, sounding upset and terribly far away. “Sweetheart, I wish I could be there.”
“I know, mom.” Tina rubbed at her eyes with the palm of her hand. “Maria will be over when she's finished work. I feel like she's been babysitting me the past however long.”
“Well, dating sometimes does that to you, darling.” Her mother was sounding less upset, even though Tina could tell she wanted to be with her. “Everything will be okay.”
Tina didn't believe that, not at the moment. It was hard to imagine she would ever be right again. “Mom-”
“Look,” her mom said, tone leaving no room for argument. “Here's what you're going to do. You're going to get off the phone, make yourself a coffee and wait for Maria. Then, when she's there, you're going to call Ryan and tell him.”
Tina could think of nothing worse. “I don't –”
“You know he has a right to know,” her mom said, talking over her. “This isn't just your child.”
“I'm having a child,” Tina said, voice sounding far away to her own ears.
“Yes, darling.” Her mom sounded soft, happy. Tina didn't know if she could be happy right now, but she wanted to be. “I'm here for you if you need me. Now go and make yourself a coffee.”
“Okay,” Tina said. “I love you.”
Her mom hung up, but not before reciprocating the feeling. Tina felt a little better, even if she wasn't completely happy. Her mother had always bugged Tina about her relationships, but Tina had to hand it to her – when Tina needed her, she was there. She didn't want to have to tell Ryan that she was pregnant, but there was no other option. This was something that she was going to have to do, but she could definitely wait for Maria before she had to do it.
“Oh, Tina.” Maria wrapped Tina up in her arms the instant she came through the door, and Tina was grateful. She pressed her face to Maria's shoulder and tried not to cry. She was ultimately unsuccessful, and Tina burst into tears, letting Maria lead her into the living room, and helping her down onto the couch. “It's going to be okay.”
“That's what mom said,” Tina managed to get out. “But how can it be?”
Maria shushed her. “Do you have any reason to believe that Ryan won't help you out?”
“No,” Tina said. She didn't know what was going to happen. “I just don't know what I'm going to do.”
Maria sounded certain. “Well, even if he is a dick and refuses to help you out with his child, you'll always have me. And your mom. I'm going to be an unofficial aunt.”
“Shut up,” Tina said, finally managing to smile. “You'll be an official aunt.”
Maria hugged her tightly, and Tina let herself feel it. It wouldn't be long before she'd have to tell Ryan, and then they would all know just how he would react to having a child.
“So,” Maria said, when the both of them had relaxed enough to sit side by side on the couch. “You ready to do this?”
Tina had been steeling herself ever since she had taken the test, and she was fairly sure she was finally at a place to do so. “I guess so.”
Maria handed her the phone handset, nodding down at it. “Come on. I'm here, and there's no time like the present.”
It was embarrassing enough that Tina didn't have to dig through her phone to get Ryan's number, even though it had been months since they had properly spoken. Still, it didn't seem to matter much when she was dialling, and holding her breath, waiting for Ryan to answer.
“Tina?” Ryan sounded surprised, but also pleased.
Tina clenched her hand into a fist, resting it on her knee. She was startled when Maria took her hand and squeezed. “Hi.”
There was a brief pause. “IS there something wrong?”
“I-” Tina started, and then cut off, not sure how to tell him. “I have to tell you something, but I don't want to do it over the phone.”
“Okay,” Ryan said, sounding confused. For all he knew, Tina could have been asking him out again. She wished that was all it was. “Anywhere in particular?”
Tina looked at Maria for help, not sure what to say. Maria shrugged and then frowned. “Restaurant,” she mouthed.
“Um, a restaurant maybe? There's one on the main street that I like, family run.”
“I like family run restaurants,” Ryan said, his voice warm. Tina hoped that his voice would be as warm when she told him the news. “I'll be there. Tonight?”
“Yes,” Tina said quickly, before she could change her mind.
They arranged to meet around seven, and Tina hung up. Letting out the breath she didn't realise she had been holding, she collapsed back against the couch. “I can't believe I'm going to do this.”
Maria rested a hand on her arm. “I can. And you will.”
“Yeah,” Tina said, not completely sure. Whatever happened from here on out, she was just going to have to deal with it.
* * *
The restaurant had been one of Tina's favourites for as long as she had been in the city. It was a great place to eat, and she was friendly with the family that owned it. She didn't want to ride with Ryan, just in case he decided he was going to react badly, so she arrived on the bus, dressed up nicely, but with a coat that hid her dress. She wasn't looking to invite any attention, especially now that she was pregnant.
“Hi,” Ryan said, leaning in to kiss her cheek.
Tina allowed it, reaching up to wrap her arms around his shoulders. “Hi.”
Ryan smiled, and led the way into the restaurant. It was more café than some of the places Ryan had taken her too, but Tina was happy with her choice. She was content as they chose a table, but it wasn't until they were sitting down that the awkwardness set in.
“So,” Ryan said, when the drink choices had been made and the server had disappeared, but Tina didn't know how to even begin. “What did you want to talk to me about?”
Tina played with her cutlery and couldn't meet Ryan's eyes. “I didn't know how to tell you this, but I – after what happened in the café, I had to tell you. But I'm-” She raised her eyes and saw the intense look on Ryan's face, and had to sigh. “– I'm pregnant.”
There was a long silence and Ryan wasn't saying anything. Tina didn't know what to do. She was nervous, fingers twitching.
Finally, Ryan reached across the table, taking Tina's hand. “Look at me.”
It took Tina a while to raise her head, but when she did, she saw a smile on Ryan's face.
“It's okay,” Ryan said, and even though Maria and her mother had already said it, for the first time, Tina let herself believe it.
Tina was convinced that would be the end of it, but Ryan turned out to be a lot more intent on helping her out than she had realised. She didn't know exactly what to expect from him at the beginning, but it quickly turned out that she had no idea just how much Ryan would go out of his way to make her feel better.
She had been subconsciously worried that once he found out, Ryan would be okay with the baby, but would leave it all to her. That didn't seem to be the case. He spent the first few days constantly texting her, seeing if she needed anything. He was concerned about her, she knew that, but she didn't know how to make him see that she was fine, and that everything was just fine. He kept trying to convince her that walking up and down the apartment steps all the time wasn't going to do any good.
“I've told you a hundred times,” Tina told him, sitting down gingerly while Ryan put her groceries away in the kitchen. Her whole body was aching and she was definitely feeling the effects of being pregnant. “It will be fine. I can handle it.”
Ryan gave her an unimpressed look, and Tina resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “I'm just saying that it would be better if you were somewhere on a ground floor, so that you didn't have to do all this if nobody is around.”
“You're around,” Tina told him with a grin, tipping her head over the back of the sofa. She squinted, trying to focus on him, and he laughed. “You could always do things for me.”
“I could.” Ryan's expressions surprised her. It shifted from certainty to uncertainty to determination. “Even more so if you lived in my apartment.”
Tina didn't know what to say. She frowned, and then looked down at the floor. She couldn't pretend that she hadn't thought about it, that the idea of living with Ryan didn't thrill and terrify her all at the same time. She licked her lips and finally met Ryan's gaze. She could see by his expression that he was trying hard not to be hurt by her silence, so she gave him a smile. “I know you want me to move in with you. Pretty sure you've been hinting at it for a while.”
“I try,” Ryan said, voice tight.
“I just – I don't know?” She sighed at the expression on his face. “Please don't take that to mean I don't want you, because I do. I just – it's a difficult thing to decide, you know?”
Ryan rounded the counter and came to sit beside her on the couch. He took her hand in his and just held it for a while, neither of them saying anything. Tina didn't want to break the comfortable silence, and she could see the indecision on Ryan's face – whether or not to actually say what was on his mind. Tina nudged him with her elbow.
“I just think it would be better for both of us. I wouldn't have to worry about you, and you wouldn't have to lift a finger to do anything.”
That, right there, was what was scaring Tina. She still wasn't entirely used to the money Ryan had being such a cushion behind her, and while it still frightened her sometimes and made her wonder just what Ryan saw in her and why he wanted to stay with her, she couldn't help but want it so badly.
“Look, just,” she started, and then actually looked at Ryan's face. It took her by surprise, sometimes, and she couldn't breathe. He was so – she wanted. “I don't want to get rid of my apartment just yet.”
Ryan's smile was huge and bright and Tina could feel her chest tighten in response. “That's fine. I wasn't expecting you to give in as easily as that.”
“Even if that's what you wanted,” Tina said with a grin. “Just as long as you realise that this means there can still be –”
“A means for you to leave, yes I know.” Ryan didn't look offended that she wanted a back-up plan. It was the opposite, in fact, and she was perfectly happy to curl up against him and spent the rest of the evening confident in the knowledge that she wasn't going to be alone in this.
* * *
“Girl, you just keep landing on your feet.” Maria walked through the door, whistling low.
Tina rolled her eyes and gestured at the couch. She had to agree that Ryan's apartment was amazing, even by Ryan standards, though she had been here before. Still, she remembered her first reaction to seeing it, and could appreciate Maria's expression. “It's pretty nice.”
“Nice?” Maria gave her a judging look. “This is more than just nice. Your apartment is nice. This is luxurious.”
Letting Maria have her moment, Tina put her feet up on the little stool and ignored the twinges her body was trying to alert her to. She was starting to feel the effects of pregnancy more, though she was determined not to let Ryan wait on her hand and foot, twenty-four seven. She was still more than capable of taking care of herself and she would continue to do so until the last possible minute. Not that she didn't let Ryan take control from time to time. There was definitely something to be said for being pregnant and having such an attentive boyfriend.
She didn't have as many duties at the hospital as she had before, though it was still early enough in the pregnancy that she was able to work with patients – and to sympathise with them somewhat. The children on the ward had always been a delight to Tina and she couldn't believe that in no time at all, she would have one of her own. When she said so to Maria, Maria's face went soft.
“I never thought I would see you actually settle down.”
“To be fair, you didn't think I would ever find someone to settle down with,” Tina pointed out.
Maria laughed. “This is true. Your dating life was a bit of a disaster.”
Tina stared at the picture of Ryan on the wall. “Did you know he even offered to go to parenting classes with me?”
Not looking that surprised, Maria shrugged. “I've already told you he sounds like a keeper – and okay, you can stop looking like that, you know I have your back. Whatever I think of him, when you're broken up, he's the enemy.”
“I knew there was a reason that I loved you best,” Tina told her, shuffling a little further down in the couch. “When are you back to work?”
“You know I don't want to talk about work when I'm in a rich dude's apartment that he's incidentally sharing with my best girlfriend. Tell me more about the things he does for you.”
To be fair, it was mostly Tina doing what she needed to do for herself. She hadn't been eating as many sweets or drinking alcohol, and though her cravings led her in some weird directions sometimes, she was doing her best to be good with almost everything. She did tell Maria about all of that, as well as Ryan a
ctually wanting to spend time with her, even though she was being crabby and bitchy about the stupidest of things. Anyone that could put up with her when she was in a mood like that was definitely a keeper.
“So,” Maria said, putting her glass of wine back on the table. “How are you feeling about all of this? Really?”
“It was overwhelming,” Tina admitted. “I didn't want to do it at first.”
Maria looked at her like she was crazy, and Tina sighed. “I just meant that it's one thing to move in with someone, but what if things had ended badly? That would have ruined everything and I'm pregnant now.”
“I understand,” Maria said. “Well, in some ways. Obviously I don't know everything, but you're definitely going to have to be sure that it's something you really want when there's a baby on the way.”
“It's weird, sometimes, to remember that I'm not just thinking about myself anymore.”
Maria's face went soft again, and Tina could only imagine what she looked like when she talked or even thought about her child.
“Don't worry,” Maria told her, and Tina was startled to realise that she had spoken aloud. “I'm sure Ryan is even worse.”
To be fair, Maria couldn't even imagine the way Ryan got about the baby. He was extremely attentive, and he would often try and convince Tina that a certain thing was good for her, or something else would be amazing, and Tina would take all of it in good grace. It would become annoying, especially when she was in a mood, but she did her best to accept it the right ways.
They were curled up on the sofa one day, Tina's feet tucked under her legs, and head resting on Ryan's shoulder. He had an arm around her shoulders and would occasionally lift a hand to stroke her hair. Tina was happy – happier than she had been in a long time. Tipping her head back a little so that she could see Ryan better, she gave him a wide grin. “I'm happy.”
“Yeah?” Ryan kissed the top of her head, and Tina hummed happily.
“Yes. I've got everything I need right here.”