‘Well, she can still wear it, Zoe! I don’t think they’re going to say we’re not fit parents just because she has a smudge of biscuit on her top. They’re not interested in that!’
‘We don’t know what they’re interested in.’ Zoe went around to the other side of the car and laid Louise down on the seat, where she struggled to get her undressed. ‘We don’t know what Nadia’s been saying to them.’
Lachlan was behind her now; he held a change of clothes over her shoulder. Zoe snatched it from him, dressed Louise again, then handed her to him. ‘Hold her while I get all this cleaned up.’
Louise began to cry and fuss in Lachlan’s grip, holding her arms out towards Zoe. Zoe closed her eyes for a moment, trying to compose herself. Louise was picking up on their tension, and she hadn’t had her nap this morning. Today of all days, Zoe needed to stay composed, and keep everyone else calm. Everything that happened in the assessment today was admissible in court. Her future with Louise depended on a stranger’s scrutiny of her family on this particular morning, in an artificial setting where she and Lachlan knew they were being watched. What if Louise was clingy, or cried all the time? What if Lachlan couldn’t cope with the stress and unravelled, became upset or angry?
He put his hand on her shoulder. ‘Come on,’ he said.
Zoe opened her eyes, and put her own hand on top of his. ‘I’m scared, Lachlan.’
‘Me too.’
Zoe turned around and took Louise from him. He locked the car, then hugged her, with Louise between them. Hand in hand, they walked into the building.
* * *
At exactly ten am, a woman came out into the waiting room and smiled at them. She held a clipboard under one arm. Her face was unlined, but her long hair, tied back in a low ponytail, was ash grey. ‘Mr and Mrs McAllister?’
‘Yes, good morning …’ Zoe stood up, balanced Louise on her left hip, smiled and held out her right hand.
‘I’m Diana,’ the woman said, shaking Zoe’s hand. She turned to Lachlan, also standing, and shook his hand too. ‘I’ll be chatting with you all today.’ She beamed at Louise. ‘And this must be the little lady. Hello!’
‘Say hello to the nice lady, Louise!’ Zoe said in a high-pitched voice, although of course Louise couldn’t speak yet. What was she doing, putting on an act for this woman? She had to stop doubting herself. She was a good mum, Lachlan was a good dad, so why couldn’t she just be confident that they were good enough? Perhaps because simply being good enough wouldn’t do; this was about being better than Nadia.
They followed Diana down a corridor lined with paintings of beach scenes and into a small room. One wall was made up of a large mirror, with a small wooden table underneath it. A two-way mirror, Zoe knew. There were two pale blue couches against the other walls, and a bright patchwork rug on the floor. On it was a white plastic tub full of toys. In the corner, up above the door, was a small black video camera. Zoe breathed slowly, then lowered herself onto one of the couches, clutching Louise on her lap. Lachlan sat next to her and wiped his palms on his beige chinos. She glanced at him, trying to communicate a reassurance that she didn’t feel herself. The court knew about his problems: his diagnosis, his drinking. She needed him to show Diana that he could be calm under pressure – and this assessment was probably the biggest pressure imaginable. If he could get through this, Zoe was sure she could depend on him to cope with anything. She knew he hadn’t slept last night; neither of them had. She also knew that he blamed himself, not just for the accident but for everything that had happened since, and that if they lost Louise, he’d never forgive himself. Never.
Since Lachlan had been getting help, Zoe had seen only a little improvement in him. She knew how hard he was trying, but he still thrashed around in his sleep, and Zoe still sensed the irritability just below his skin, and his deep, deep sadness and guilt. She had told him over and over again that she understood now what he had been going through, why he had acted the way he had, but they both knew that if they lost Louise, she would never forgive him either.
Diana sat opposite them on the other couch and put her clipboard down next to her. She looked at each of them in turn and smiled again. ‘Thank you so much for coming in today.’
‘Pleasure,’ Lachlan said automatically. Zoe glanced at him.
‘I’m a family consultant, approved by the court to work with families going through the court process, particularly when there are custody disputes. I understand that your situation is slightly different to the usual families we work with, but the principles will be the same. My job here is to get to know you and Louise, and make an assessment of the main issues. What we want to keep in mind is that the court will always act in the best interests of the child. As you know, the judge has asked for a family report, so I need to remind you that I will be providing the court with a written account of our time together. That means that this session isn’t confidential, as you might be used to.’ Diana looked at Lachlan as she said this. Zoe saw his face redden, and her heart sped up. She shifted ever so slightly towards him so he could feel her support.
He cleared his throat. ‘That’s fine. We understand.’
Louise writhed in Zoe’s arms; she set her down on the floor, but Louise immediately cried and tried to pull herself back up. Don’t do this now, Louise, Zoe begged silently. Please be happy and show them how settled and confident you are. Just like you are at home. She reached for a doll from the toybox, then lifted Louise back up onto her lap.
‘For today, I just want us all to have a talk,’ said Diana. ‘Please try to relax and just do whatever you’d normally do with Louise. I know how hard this will be for you. Please don’t feel that I’m here to judge you.’
Zoe nodded. But judging her was exactly what Diana was here to do, what the court would do too, and it was exactly what Nadia had already done.
* * *
Nadia stood at the back door watching the children jumping on the trampoline, dead leaves and windblown twigs catapulting into the air with each bounce. She turned around and went back into the kitchen.
‘Eddie?’ she shouted. ‘What are you doing? They’ll be here soon.’
‘Coming!’ He came out in bare feet, wearing jeans and a faded grey t-shirt.
Nadia frowned. ‘Are you ready?’
‘It’s only your parents,’ he said.
The doorbell rang. She shook her head. ‘Please, put something nicer on.’
She walked to the front door, smoothed down her hair, then opened the door wide with a big smile on her face. ‘Hi, Rosemary! Hi, Dad! Come in!’
Martin leaned forward to kiss her cheek; Rosemary nodded curtly, not meeting Nadia’s eyes.
In the kitchen, Nadia opened a bottle of riesling and poured two glasses, then handed a beer to her dad. Eddie returned, still wearing his jeans but in a red polo shirt and with some thongs on his feet at least, and greeted his in-laws. Nadia smiled at him, then went to the back door. ‘Kids!’ she shouted. ‘Grandma and Grandad are here. Come and say hello!’
‘Leave them, I’ll go out there,’ Rosemary said, joining her at the door.
‘No, sit down and enjoy your drink!’
Rosemary shook her head. ‘It’s fine. I like to see my grandchildren.’
Nadia nodded. ‘They love to see you too.’
She had invited her dad and Rosemary over today to try to clear the air; she knew how upset they were about the custody case. No matter how many times Rosemary had told Nadia that she was just as much her daughter as Zoe was, she had never treated them equally. Now, she was clearly choosing sides. Nadia didn’t blame her; she knew how strong the pull of shared genes was. But she hated to think that she was the cause of the coldness she could feel between her parents.
Martin came over and stood beside her. They both watched Rosemary totter down to the back of the garden holding her glass of wine aloft.
‘How are things with you, Dad?’
‘Yeah, fine. And you?’
Nadia let out
a small sigh. ‘Same. Busy.’
‘Have you seen your sister?’
She looked up at him, frowning. Martin looked out over the garden, not meeting her eye. ‘No. She won’t see me. I’ve emailed her, but she didn’t even respond. The only time she let me see Louise was when we did the parenting assessment last week. It’s not up to me any more. We’ll just have to see what happens when we go to court in a few weeks.’
He shook his head, slowly.
Her cheeks burned. ‘What?’
He said nothing. Rosemary walked back towards them with a smile fixed on her face. ‘They don’t need me out there.’
Nadia nodded. ‘Let’s go in and sit down.’
Eddie was cutting a round of brie in half as they returned to the kitchen. He put it on a plate, then gestured to them to sit at the table.
Rosemary, Martin and Nadia sat with straight backs. Nadia took a deep breath. ‘Eddie, Dad was just asking me about Zoe and Louise. I was just about to tell him what our lawyer said.’ Eddie’s hand, holding the plate of cheese, hovered for a moment, then he put it down gently and went to the pantry for a box of crackers.
‘What’s that?’ Rosemary said with raised eyebrows.
Nadia sipped her wine. ‘Well, when I told the lawyer that Lachlan has moved back in, he said that was a very interesting development. Those were the words he used, weren’t they, Eddie?’
Eddie sat down. ‘Yes.’
Nadia continued, trying to keep her voice steady. ‘Well, he said that with Lachlan’s history of violence, mental illness, and now the fact that Zoe has allowed him back into the house, that could be the exceptional circumstance that we need to make sure Louise is safe.’
‘Of course she’s safe,’ Rosemary said, putting down her glass, her face red. ‘I told you about Lachlan’s diagnosis because I wanted you to understand what’s been happening to him, why he did what he did, not so you could use it against him.’
‘But it doesn’t matter why, does it?’ Nadia insisted. ‘It’s even more worrying to me that he has a mental illness, it means he might not be able to control himself. The fact is that there has been domestic violence in that house, and Zoe has made a decision to return to it.’
‘I don’t know that it’s that simple, darling,’ Martin said.
‘Dad, maybe she did the right thing when she left him. She shouldn’t have disappeared like that, but at least she was trying to protect Louise. But now, she’s just showing such bad judgement. I’m not the one making the decision here, it’s up to the judge; the courts are impartial and they’ll decide what’s best for Louise.’
Eddie put his hand on Nadia’s shoulder. ‘Nadia’s just worried that nothing has changed and that Louise is back in the same position she was before. We all saw Zoe that night, how distraught she was.’
‘This is not about that night.’ Rosemary looked into the corner of the room, blinking furiously.
‘What do you mean?’ Nadia forced herself to smile. ‘Of course this is about that night.’
‘Nadia, I don’t want this to come between us all, but Zoe told me that you were already trying to find a way to get Louise back even before that happened. I don’t understand you. You have everything.’ Rosemary swept her hand around the room. ‘You have three kids out there, beautiful children, and Zoe has nothing except Louise.’
‘And Lachlan,’ Eddie said.
Nadia looked at him, trying to thank him with her eyes.
Rosemary glared at him, then at Nadia. ‘It seems to me that you were always planning this. When Zoe disappeared you said she was irresponsible and erratic. When she left Lachlan you said she wasn’t capable of being a single mother because she has an illness – a stable illness, mind you – or because Louise would have to go into daycare. That wasn’t good enough for you, although it’s good enough for thousands of other kids in this country! And now that she’s trying to get her marriage with Louise’s father back together you’re moving the goalposts again! What would you be happy with? He’s stopped drinking, he’s in treatment – he’s on medication, he sees a counsellor. I’ve seen him with Louise, he’s a great father —’
Nadia snorted. ‘I don’t think so.’
Rosemary ignored her. ‘And Zoe is a wonderful mother. She’s all Louise has ever known, and to rip them apart would be awful for everyone, never mind that poor little child at the centre of this. You’re trying to take her from her mother! Who is this about, Nadia? We raised you better than this. This is not about the best interests of Louise at all, it’s about the best interests of you!’
‘Rosemary …’ Martin took his wife’s hand.
She pulled away, then stood up quickly. ‘Excuse me. I’m just going to the bathroom.’
Nadia nodded, not trusting herself to speak. How could she explain it to them? She could see how this must look to people on the outside. But her stepmother was wrong: Nadia didn’t have three children, she had four. And one thing she’d learned from the sessions with the other relinquishing mothers was that you can’t replace the child you’ve lost, given up. Just because you have other children doesn’t mean there isn’t a huge chasm where the one you gave up should be. Louise was made up of half of her; to know that she had given her to someone else was heartbreaking. How could she express that?
‘Rosemary’s worried about Zoe,’ Martin said softly. ‘And you too.’
Nadia looked down. ‘I’m not a monster, Dad. I’m worried about Zoe too. I’m sorry, I just …’ She wiped away a tear as Eddie put his arm around her shoulders. ‘I just can’t explain how I feel, other than to say that I don’t have a choice.’
Martin nodded, sighed, and they all sat in silence for a few moments. They heard Rosemary coming back down the hallway. When she came in, her face was red, her mascara a little smudged. She sat down at the table; as she reached for her drink, Nadia put her hand over her stepmother’s. Rosemary froze, then sighed, but didn’t move her hand.
For the next hour, they all made small talk while they picked at the food and finished their drinks, then Martin and Rosemary left, saying they had things to do. When they had gone, Nadia had a blinding headache. She asked Eddie to order some pizza for the children, then, leaving them to it, she ran herself a scalding hot bath.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Lou’s parents hadn’t said a word to her since they had arrived home. Her dad’s jaw had been clenched as the doctors at the hospital explained that she’d been flown off Rottnest by the emergency helicopter with alcohol poisoning after being found half-naked in the bush. Her mum had just stared at her as if she didn’t even know her. When they got home, her dad had looked at her with shame burning off him. Lou had said she was sorry, over and over, told them that she couldn’t feel any worse, but he’d shaken his head, tears in his eyes, and walked away. Lou’s throat felt raw from where the emergency staff had intubated her to make sure she could breathe, her muscles ached and she still felt nauseous.
Lou had lain on her bed for what felt like hours, wishing her mum would come and knock softly on her door, maybe bring her some sweet tea and hot buttery toast as she used to when Lou was sick, but no one came. Eventually, she had stopped crying, her eyes stinging, her head thumping. Now, she realised she was hungry. She lay curled on her side under the blankets, until she heard the TV in the living room go off. After a few more minutes, she slowly opened the door of her room and stepped into the hallway, hoping her parents would now be in bed so she could get some food. But no: they were talking quietly in the kitchen. She heard the grating noise of someone unscrewing the biscuit jar and the bubbling of the kettle; she crept forward, hoping the floorboards wouldn’t creak, and strained to hear their conversation, which had a well-worn air of words often repeated.
‘I thought she was getting better, and now this happens!’ said her mum. ‘What have we done wrong?’
‘We haven’t done anything wrong, we’ve done our best. It’s not our fault, love.’
‘We should have told her! Maybe if w
e’d told her from the start … Ross said, you know, that kids pick up when something’s not right. The research says it’s better to tell them early, but —’
‘There’s no point thinking like that now, though. We didn’t. We did what we thought was right.’
A teaspoon clinked against a cup. ‘We did what was right for us, not for Louise. Were we really thinking of her? I wasn’t! I was thinking of myself, delaying the day when she’d look at me and know the truth! Jesus, how can we tell her now? I can’t help but think sometimes that we should never have done this, any of it! We’ve been thinking of ourselves from the very beginning —’
‘Don’t be stupid. Then we wouldn’t have Louise.’
‘But what have we done to her? She’s a mess.’ Her mum’s sobs were muffled; Lou imagined her dad holding her to his chest.
‘Stop it, love, it’ll be OK. It’s not the end of the world. She’s not the first kid to get drunk.’
‘Drunk?’ Her mum’s voice was loud again. ‘This wasn’t just being drunk! She was airlifted by an emergency helicopter and ended up in intensive care —’
‘It was just a precaution.’
‘I don’t care! No one else’s daughter was on the bloody news as an example of what’s so terrible about teenagers! No one else’s child ended up gravely ill in hospital – she could have been raped, for all we know! Or choked on her own vomit, died from hypothermia. Don’t you see?’ Her mum paused for breath, then spoke more quietly. ‘There’s something wrong with her, with us, with our family … I thought she was getting better, I don’t know what else I can do!’
‘We’ll tell her, then.’
‘But what if she rejects us – me? I don’t want to lose her.’
‘We won’t, darling.’
‘But she’s so fragile, I don’t know if she can cope with it.’
Let Her Go Page 25