He woke up completely miserable. She really wasn’t going to give him a chance and it broke him. He didn’t want to get out of bed, but he knew he had to, he would not be the dirt bag everyone always saw him as. He had drive, he had motivation, he just had more when she was a possibility of loving. The possibility gone, stripped him of a certain happiness he knew he always wanted just never thought he would have until he met her. He still knew that he had to do all this for himself, but he wished he could do it for her also. Maybe he still could there was an ounce of hope left in him.
He went through his day robotically, keeping to his regular, original job; making something of himself. When he saw Trey sitting under the tree he switched his direction and almost ran into Jos.
“What are you going to do; avoid her, give up on her, seriously? If that’s so, than I guess she was right not to let you into her life. She is strong and determined and needs someone just as strong and determined as she is. I really thought that was you. Suck it up and put some big girl panties on. Don’t let emotion get to you, she never did until you came around. Fix it, damn it. I want my best friend back.” She huffed and walked off leaving Ayden a bit shocked.
Jos was right and he knew it. He was letting emotions cloud his judgment. He was letting his emotional pain break him. He wanted Trey and he would have her if not through force than through love, it bothered her most, it would have to work.
He stalked over to her and sat down close enough for their arms to touch. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. “If I let you bite my wrist again will you get up and walk away like you did last time because I don’t have the time for you to bother me.” He didn’t bother to comment just grabbed her hand and laced it with his. “Are you serious, let go of my hand,” she bitched.
“No, I won’t.” He opened his eyes and faced her, staring her down. “Tell me why you can’t love me. And I’m not asking, I’m demanding. I won’t let go until you tell me and even after I won’t if it is something I can change or help.”
“You are unbelievable.”
“Oh, believe it honny, I’m right here.” He squeezed her hand. “Now please do enlighten me. I’m waiting.”
“You’re going to be waiting a long time for an explanation for that, it is something I am not willing to share, especially with you. So just give up and go away.”
“I am not going to give up if you haven’t already caught onto that, you’re not as smart as I thought and I will not go away, I haven’t yet and I don’t ever plan on it. You’re stuck with me in your life whether you like it or not. I’m crazy in love with you and I don’t mind if you never love me back, no one ever has and I can deal with that. What I can’t deal with is not giving you my love, it belongs only to you.”
“Ha, only to me, than explain why you screw any girl at the bar even after you met me?”
“Because if I didn’t I would have went back to you and told you I loved you much sooner than I did and I would have wrapped you in my arms and never let go and you would have thought me crazy. I need to give my love away, I have to give it away and now I want to only give it to you, no one else.”
“Too late for that buddy, I do think you’re crazy and a stalker and an asshole and…”
“Stop, you can tell yourself all of that, but I know as well as you do that you want me too. I see it in your eyes. I saw it in your eyes the first day we met. I watched it grow every day after that. So stop denying it.”
“You are so fake, you have no idea what I want or even what you want. And trust me, you do not want me, you might think you do now, but you won’t, I can promise you that.”
“And if you don’t keep that promise, what will you give me?”
“Oh how about this, my hand in marriage, that’s how much I know it won’t happen.”
“You are so on with that. Now, tell me why you can’t love me. You will share it with me, you’ll have to if you want me to go away.”
“Oh, but what if it’s something you think you can change or help, then what? I’m still stuck with you annoying me, I don’t think so. Just give up. You’ll be better off. Forget you even met me.”
“That’s never going to happen, it doesn’t matter what you do to me I will never forget you, you’re inspiring, beautiful, smart, strong, unbelievably perfect for me…”
“Oh stop, your making me sick with the corniness.”
“Why? Because you can’t handle someone being nice and respecting what you do? I’m willing to stand next to you and let you stand alone when you need to. We don’t have to tell anyone we’re together if that’s what it is. I’ll keep it a secret, I don’t care just as long as you’re with me. I don’t even care if you don’t or can’t love me. I just want you, I want to give you my love. Think about that. Then maybe you’ll tell me the reason why you can’t love me.” He jumped up and let go of her hand and stalked off feeling pretty damn good. ‘She has no excuse now,’ he thought to himself. ‘Let her stew on that.’
‘What a disrespectful ass.’ She huffed and stood up, throwing her earphones in and singing along to some song to block it all out. She would not let his words bother her. They are just words, they don’t mean nothing without action. What she didn’t bother to think about is his actions. He did still keep coming back even after she told him she could not love him, he is still strong enough to keep hanging on. But would he after he found out that she really had no heart to give him? That it was torn from her way back when. That it was truly destroyed by her father. She tried loving him, the one man that she should unconditionally love but she couldn’t even do that. How was she supposed to love anyone else? How could she, it was proven that she has no heart by that and that alone.
He was hot to trot and ready for more. He breezed through his last class and headed off to the gym full of himself. He did well and he knew it. She would be so messed up that when he goes to see her tonight she would throw her arms around him and give in, taking his love in huge strides. How could she refuse what he offered her? A chance to be loved by him and she didn’t have to love him back and he would keep it a secret just like she wants. He would give her the space to stand alone just like Gwen said. What other excuse could she possible come up with? Dane was completely out of breath and dying, but Ayden was still ready for more and very much still pumped up. He ran off what he could, jumped in the shower and headed to her shop.
She did good ignoring everything he said right up until he walked in her shop then she just got pissed. He stalked straight up to her, grabbed her arm and pulled her into the back. “So, why can’t you love me, when all I want is to love you?” He expected her just to throw herself at him; what was he kidding; it’s Trey.
“I can’t stand you, so just get out.” She ripped her arms from his clutches and stormed up the stairs and locked herself in the bathroom. He stood shocked. Then he walked back out into the shop, took one of his text books out and slammed it on the counter then turned to Jos, “How long do you think she’ll stay up there for?” Jos only smirked and shrugged her shoulders, then turned from him and went back to working. She was proud and he could tell. She wanted him to be strong and hold on. An hour passed and she finally came down. When she entered the shop she saw him at the counter studying. She stalked over to him quite pissed, he could see it and he did not like it. He stood up and spoke, “I’m sorry Trey, but I’m not giving up that easy. If you don’t like it than stop fighting it.”
“Fighting it, I’m not fighting it, you are. You’re fighting not to see the obvious, we can never be, you will never break me.”
“God. I don’t want to break you, or play with you than throw you away. I want to keep you, put you on a shelf as my most precious souvenir and hold you every second that I can get.”
“God.” She screamed. “You are frigging pathetic. I am not a toy or a souvenir, I’m a fighter, that’s who I am.”
“Wait, I’m sorry, but I have to interrupt.” Gwen said truly apologetically and uncharacteristically. It’s n
ot like her to pipe in or say anything until it was all said and done, so Trey stopped shocked to listen. “You both always said goddess not god. Why the change?”
“Because no women could run this land and instill the damnage to women that has been made by men and their disrespect and belief that only a man can rule.” Trey spit out discussed. Gwen turned toward Ayden after a slight nod to Trey.
“Because only a man could leave and let women destroy men by ripping out their hearts and stripping them from their sanity.”
“And before when you both said goddess instead of god, think about that and what changed your mind.” Gwen said reserved, but a bit on edge mad then walked out the door shaking her head.
It was quite for a few seconds before Trey rounded on Ayden and walked out the back into a dead sprint down the road. She still didn’t want to think about any of it, so she put her earphones in as she ran. She kept on running longer than she has in a while. She was exhausted and passed out, with her head phones still in, easily when she got back home.
He sat there a second and thought about the whole god and goddess thing. He could never believe in a god ruling because a man would abandon him just like his father did, but he was still here and still standing strong. Even though his mother tortured him with her words and left him when he was fourteen, she gave him the strength to move forward and stand tall on his own. So he always believed that it was a goddess that ruled because here he was still standing tall. But when Trey came in the picture and told him she would never love him he collapsed, making him think that it must be a guy that ruled because he felt actually completely abandoned for the first time in his life.
With that thought he packed up his stuff slowly and walked out the door even more broken. Gwen sat on the steps and he stopped at her words, “You know how you called her ‘queen?’ Well I’ve been thinking. She thinks you want to take over the fights. She thinks you're just like her and you are only pursuing her so that you can break her down and claim her throne. It kind of makes sense, but I don’t really think that is the case. You’ll have to show her otherwise.” He dropped down to sit on the step next to Gwen feeling even more defeated.
“Unbelievable. Another excuse draw up by Trey. I really didn’t think she was the type of person to make excuses.”
“She’s not, at all. That’s another thing I don’t get, not really. She thinks excuses are just an easy way out of a good fight, a fight worth having. She harps on it to the girls and sticks to it herself, but when it comes to you, she’s different. Maybe that’s why she thinks you’re different because you make her different.”
“And she doesn’t want to be different. She likes who she is. Maybe that’s the problem. Then again maybe all the problems I’ve thought of are all the problems. I thought I fixed all of them, but I guess I have one more to fix, hopefully it’s the last one, then she won’t have any more excuses. I have to be with her Gwen, I won’t let anything stand in the way not even her. Thanks again.”
“You’re welcome.” They both stood up, she walked inside and he walked home. By the time he fell asleep he had a solution worked out in his head. The fight night would be soon and he’d fix this one too.
The next day passed dreadfully for the both of them. She was not at the tree when he went to see if she was. When he got to the shop she was nowhere to be found. The girls told him she disappeared all day, that she wasn’t at lunch or training and hasn’t been there or answering her phone. Working at the bar didn’t take his mind off of her, gone. He was worried and couldn’t fall asleep. He told Jos to text him if she came around, but she never did. Restless he got up and took a walk at four am. That didn’t do him no good. He walked past her place and all the lights were off. He didn’t think she was home. He had no clue where she kept her bike so he couldn’t check if it was there, but her car was out front yet still not giving him a clue. He thought to knock on her door, but thought better of it, she would really hate him if he woke her up at this time of morning. He went back to his house trying to go back to sleep, but was unsuccessful. He was beat going into school a few hours later. By the time lunch came around and he was leaning against the tree, he just wanted to fall asleep. He was gazing around hoping to keep himself awake when he spotted the villain leaning against a different tree. He jumped up and walked over to her and sat down. “Where did you run off to yesterday? I was worried.”
“I went for a ride to clear my head from you, so don’t ruin it so soon. Just leave me alone.” He could hear the hurt in her voice and the fact that she kept her eyes closed the whole time made him realize she really just needed to be left alone that that was what she wanted. It hurt, but he didn’t say another word just got up and walked away.
She sat there thinking about her yesterday. Yea, she needed a ride to clear her head, but she also needed her grandmother. She needed just to remember the way she was. She drove the six hours and laid down next to her grandmother's grave and stirred up every memory she could of her. She needed the strength, but she really needed to borrow some of her grams healing power. But instead of feeling healed she felt more out of control. Her grams always told her about seeing someone’s soul through their eyes, but in order to really understand what you see; is to not lie. She knew that in order to have complete control you have to think about all aspects and not lie in order to get the outcome you want. It would only fail in the long run if you did not. Lying is also; purposely not seeing what you want to see, therefore when it pops up you're not surprised you failed because you knew you would fail from that lie. Also, if you didn’t lie by leaving something out you could create solutions to fix the problem before it happens.
She never saw Ayden ever happening for one and for another she kept up the lie; denial was the first mistake. Which caused her not to see into his soul the way she needed to. Now, she was afraid to and wouldn’t open her eyes when he came close because she would see her own lies hidden in his depths. After all that thought and her day spent with her grams she was still in denial. She didn’t want to be wrong about him, she didn’t want to change her beliefs not even the slightest to see, that not all men are complete selfish jerks because if she did, she would have to change and that was something she was not ready for. What she didn’t realize was that she didn’t really have to change her beliefs, she just didn’t have to stand alone with them all the time. She had a lot to work out in her mind and hopefully it would be before he changed his mind.
She sat under the tree not for long enough, she only wanted to get all of it, all of everything out of her mind. She went to her last class then to training. She decided today she needed to spar with the girls. She could teach a lot more by doing so, but she preferred not to. She was always afraid she would get out of hand, think about her father and hurt someone without meaning to, but today she changed her mind. She would have to create more control.
He trained after class and ran harder after that. He stayed away from her and her shop because she asked. Work was not a blast not even somewhat enjoyable. Girls hit on him, wanted to take him home and he was disgusted with himself more so than ever. He would even take ‘dirt bag’ over this. He didn’t want to be known for the fun he gave these women, he wanted to be known as Trey’s man like he put in Jos’s phone. When she came walking into the bar he practically ran to her. “Hey Jos, you got your phone?”
“Yeah.”
“Does it still say Tray’s man for my number?”
“Yeah, why?”
“You have to show her, you have to tell her when I did it.”
“Why, what would it even matter?”
“It will prove to her that I’ve been serious about being her man this whole time, from the start. That I always just wanted to be her man. Not the other way around. Not she’s mine, but that I’m hers. It will prove that that’s all I’ve wanted; was to be her’s.”
“Wow man, you really do have it bad for her. I’ve never seen you like this.” Dane piped in a bit surprised, but yet sorry for him. Ayd
en didn’t like it one bit.
“Don’t fucking feel sorry for me Dane, that’s not something I need right now, it’s why I haven’t bothered to talk to you about any of it. You know my past and really I don’t want to be reminded of it. Trey does it enough to me and I just want her to see me for who I am now.” He said it desperately toward the end of his rant.
“Come on man, I wasn’t feeling sorry for you because of the past, I was ‘because I know how it is, Jos is still giving me a run and apparently Trey is ‘better,’ she said.” He gestured toward Jos then he looked toward her and winked, she huffed, “Damn men.”
“Will you just show her, please?”
“Yes, but I really don’t think it will do any good. She believes in action, you’ll have to do more of that, then trying to convince her with words. And you know what I mean.”
“I gave up the other girls, I won’t do it again.” She only nodded her head and he went back behind the bar to work. He could tell that they were talking about him and Trey. He could also tell that Jos would check up on him every time a girl approached the bar, but he didn’t care. ‘Let her look, she can see it for herself and believe me and my actions.’
Jos asked her to go to the bar with her, but she knew that Ayden would be there so she didn’t, even though she wanted to get drunk with the girls. She would have to set something up soon, she needed it. She needed a good night of fun.
The next day went about the same for the both of them. He stayed away giving her the space she wanted and she went on ignoring the real problem. The following day they both knew that they couldn’t do what was done the day before. It was a fight night and they would both have to be in the same place, at the same time and there was no avoiding it. Neither one of them were on the list to fight tonight, but still they both had to be there.
She stood up and gave her spiel looking around for him, but she could not find him. She wanted to see where he was so that she could avoid him as much as she could. To her surprise when she dropped down and sat on the table she was just standing on, he sat down next to her holding a beer out for her to take, she snatched it up and slammed it back.
Wench With Wings Page 15