Wench With Wings

by Cassidy, Rose D.

  All their friends and anyone that would see them together would say that they were both in crazy love with each other, yet she still didn’t believe it. She didn’t think she was capable at all. At some points she would question herself about it, but then she would be reminded at how much she truly hated the only man that she should have unconditionally loved but didn’t. At some points he was for sure that she loved him that he could see it in her eyes or feel it in her touch, but he truly wasn’t sure, he needed the words. She would never say it. Yea, it disappointed him and hurt him, but he would push it back to love her that much more with the reminder that someday she would love him; he would make her.

  Grades for the fall semester came in and he was so excited. He hurried to Treys to show her, to flaunt it to her that he was smart, not just strong. Everything he worked so hard for was going as planned. She was more of a reason to do better then he thought. He never really expected anyone to be proud of him, no one in his past life was ever around for something like that so he never expected it, but he so badly wanted her to be proud of him. When he threw the paper at her so excited to show her; she had this look in her eyes that he has never seen in anyone’s before. He wasn’t sure if it was her being proud or if she at that moment just wanted to love him.

  When she saw the excitement and pride in him about himself she completely melted. She was proud, she did want to love him and most of all she just wanted him to know how she felt. She latched onto him squeezing him close ready for words that she never spoke. She completely lost function in her tongue and couldn’t tell him a thing. She couldn’t and it only reassured her that she was not capable of love. She just squeezed him tighter afraid to let go. “Woo, girl. What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” He was tense and scared, thinking the worst. He didn’t like not being able to read her. He was afraid she was about to tell him that they were through, that he would have to let her go and he was not at all ready for that. Her squeeze felt like a good-bye hug.

  “Sorry, babe. I’m really excited for you. I can see your pride and it make me proud. I think. I’m not too sure what that word really ever meant ‘because I’ve never actually felt it before. I’m pretty sure that’s what it is though, that it is what I feel right now.”

  “Hey, it’s okay Trey. I get it. Some feelings I’m still not so sure about either. We could always talk about stuff, whenever or if ever you want.”

  “Ah yea, maybe some time.” She stepped back from their hug, not looking at him and he was a bit crushed. It really was not the reaction he wanted, but at the same time it was a moment he was sure let him in her world just a bit more. She seemed proud she just didn't know how and he understood that.

  She pulled out her GPA and showed him, he beamed, but she didn’t really know how to take it. There was still so many feeling that where new and yet missed old feelings at the same time. Uncertainty never would settle anyone’s mind. They celebrated with everyone then alone at night. All in all it was a great day, but it was also a day that neither one of them felt completely settle with.

  More time went on and they clung more to each other. Their lives were both turning into more than either of them ever thought possible. They had the greatest friends, each other and their success. They all sat around the table one night eating dinner and discussing or should I say Jos was bitching about how she had to go home for Christmas. They all were actually pretty much moaning, all but Trey and Ayden, that is. Oh and Dane wasn’t really talking that much either. He at least knew about Ayden’s issue so he knew not to bitch. His family wasn’t the greatest and his home life sucked and Ayden knew that, but Dane would never complain knowing what Ayden’s life was about around times like this. Everyone was a bit unsettled, but decided that they would all meet at Trey’s place Christmas night for a dinner and a little get together.

  After everyone left Ayden asked her what her plans where for Christmas Eve night and Christmas morning. He had a feeling that she wouldn’t be going anywhere and he knew he wasn’t so why not spend it together he figured. The conversation was tense and she didn’t give him any hints about her past or her family, but they both did decide to be together.

  The night went pretty good. They didn’t really talk or play around much, but they did cuddle up and watch movies. He woke her up with presents, ones more than the material kind and she did it for him too. They cooked breakfast together as close as they could get in the kitchen cooking. They got dinner ready and set out snacks. They also cleaned up together. It was a night, morning and afternoon that they both truly felt they stood next to each other. There was a certain silence, yet a settling between the two of them. It was an understanding of not understanding how much they both truly needed each other.

  It was easier when all their friends got there and they both let loose a little and had some fun. They were all in the sitting room down stairs next to the shop playing board games when the shop door slammed open. Jos yelled out, “Hey buddy, its Christmas were closed.” When the guy stepped into the sitting room Trey froze.

  Ayden noticed and went to put his hand on her knee to ask if she was okay, but he never got that far. Trey jumped up at the sight of Ayden’s hand moving towards her.

  Her voice was clipped and pissed, yet scared and everyone in the room noticed and stood up. Trey was never scared, ever.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “It’s Christmas. Did you not expect I’d sooner or later find you? You dumb bitch.”

  “Hey, don’t talk to her like that.” Ayden jumped in.

  “Who the fuck do you think you are? I can talk to my daughter however the fuck I feel like. Now all of you get the fuck out so I can spend some quality time with my long lost whore of a daughter.”

  Ayden stepped toward him seeing red, he wanted to kill this guy that talked to his Trey like that, but Trey stopped him grabbing his arm. “Please Ayden, just go.” He looked into her eyes and saw the fear, but also saw the pleading. He had a feeling that if he stayed he would only make it worse for her and that he did not want to do. Dane came up next to him with Jocelyn latched onto him, “Come on man.” Gwen came around to his other side and latched on to his arm. He didn’t want to leave Trey, but he knew that that is what she wanted. They all left out the front door as Trey made her way into the shop. She wanted to get as close to the door as she could just in case he was going to do to her what she was sure he was going to do. The man just stood there in front of her without a word, she was starting to get irritated by it, but she knew that if she spoke up he would swing, but she did anyway. “Why are you here?”

  “Why am I here? The real question is why are you here? You should be home taking care of the shit around the house. I fucking took care of you while you grew up and the thanks I get is you running away like the scared bitch you are.” The more he spoke the closer he got and the angrier he got. “You’re still nothing, but a stupid slut,” he pushed her, “was that the dumb fool of the night? Guess what, he aint gonna save you just like none of them ever saved you. Damn it, Trey.” He pushed her again, “When are you gonna get it. I’m your father and I know you aint worth the saving, no one will ever save you cause you aint worth it. You aint worth nothing, but a fucking punching bag.”

  “And you aint worth nothing either, Dad.” She couldn’t take it, she had to say it. She knew what was coming either way, so she said it anyway.

  He hauled off and decked her dropping her to the ground.

  Ayden was staring in the window, struggling to get everyone to let him go. That was his last straw; a guy hitting her for real, not in an organized fight. The words he was speaking to her were bad enough to make Ayden want to kick the guys ass; father or not, no one could speak to her like that. Gwen got in front of him, “Ayden stop. You’ve seen Trey fight. She can handle this, she asked you to go because she needed to handle this on her own. You should know that by now.”

  “No, Gwen. When have you ever seen her just stand there and take it? Look damn it.” Gwe
n turned back to look inside and they all listened in again.

  Trey knew the punch was coming, knew she would take it; it’s what she always did when it came to him. It’s what she had to do because it would be worse if she fought back.

  “Get up, you dumb bitch.” She wanted to fight back.

  “Fuck you old man.” She got up on all fours as she spoke. He kicked her in the side and sent her sprawling into the wall. She hit the ground.

  “Talking back now are we? You never did, I taught you that lesson young, do I need to teach you again to keep your mouth shut? I see you finally found something else to do with your mouth instead of giving head to dumb boys that will never save some sorry ass skank like you.”

  “I saved myself. So fuck off, you piece of shit.” He grabbed her by the hair and yanked her up then sent his fist into her face again. Her blood splattered playing into his blood lust and she knew it even though stars were the only thing she saw. She didn’t need to see his eyes, she’s seen the love of her blood spilling there too many times. She wanted to fight back with her fists and not just her words, but she also knew that if he just knocked her out it would be through and he would leave, so she taunted him more. “Beaten up on girls, and you call yourself a man? You aint nothing but a coward, rot in fucking hell.”

  He hauled off and decked her again. She begged to get knocked out, she begged to get his death blow, but she knew he held back. She felt it too many times not to know what he was doing. She knew that he just wanted to keep her awake to hit her more. She cursed silently and spit her blood that was in her mouth in his face. “What’s the matter old man, can’t hit as hard as you use to? Becoming a pussy are ya?”

  “Shut the fuck up you ungrateful bitch, I’m trying to give you what you’ve missed since you’ve been gone.” He punched her in her stomach and finally let go of her hair that was holding her up. She bent over holding her stomach as she dropped to the ground on her knees.

  She didn’t hear anything, she was lost in the pain she couldn’t change into anything, but agony. “Trey, Trey are you okay?” She looked up into Gwen’s face then looked around to find her father. Ayden was on him, straddling him and beating his face in. She jumped up and threw herself at him. Pushing him off her father, screaming for Ayden to stop.

  “What the fuck? Ayden. I told you to fucking leave and for a damn good reason.” She stalked over to him as he was getting up while she screamed at him then she shoved him hard making him almost lose his footing. “Now get the fuck out of my fucking house before I smash your fucking face in like you just did his.” She pointed back to where her father was because she couldn’t manage calling him the name she was given for him.

  “That’s my girl, I knew you were still in there, give him hell. Knock him the fuck out, like he deserves.” Trey heard the proudness in his voice and it pissed her off even more. It was that proudness that confused her when she needed to be for Ayden. She spun on him and let him have it to.

  “Listen and listen good you no good piece of shit. I am not your fucking girl or your fucking daughter. I am mine and mine only. I am not your fucking punching bag any longer, I am not that girl that you're so fucking proud of every time she fights some boy because of you. I do not fight like that anymore. It is not who I am anymore. I have control, my fucking control, not yours. Not ever again. Now, get the fuck out of my god damn house before I beat you like you’ve done to me my whole fucking pathetic life.”

  “You bitch, you know damn straight you deserved every beaten I ever gave. You took her from me, you killed my wife, I can’t even call her your mother because you never deserved her. You are nothing. Nothing but a selfish bitch that deserves every beaten she gets.” Trey took another step closer. For the second time in her life she was going to stand up to this man that called himself her father.

  “You deranged psychopath. It was not my fault you knocked her up you knew she was too sick to have a baby.” She shoved him back. “It was not my fault. You are the one who killed her, then beat the shit out of the only thing you had left of her. Every fucking Friday Father, I laid bloody on the floor of our disgusting rat hole of a house praying that God would just take me. That you would just one day kill me so it would end the beatings you gave me.”

  “That’s right, God didn’t even want you. I heard you begging him to take you, but you aint even good enough for him. You never will be good enough for anyone, you’re a worthless killer slut that will ruin everyone you get close to.”

  “Oh, trust me father I know that better than you think, but today. Today will be the last day you will ever be able to say it to me.” She hauled off and decked him in his mouth to shut him up. He stumbled back, but she was not done. She kneed him in his junk and when he bent over she sent her knee into his nose breaking it and splattering his blood; for the first time. She didn’t want to knock him out because she was not done with her words to him at all. She grabbed him by his shirt and towed him to the door throwing him down the four steps out front.

  “How’s it feel old man to be beat by someone that should have unconditionally loved you? You tore my fucking heart out and destroyed it so I would never be able to love anyone for the rest of my life, proven only by the fact that I could never even love my own father. Never did I love you. Never did I care for you at all. I hated you and still hate you. My greatest wish growing up was to see you die, to see you lying on the ground in a pool of your blood, breathing your last breaths. The same way you left me all the time. Every god damn Friday night for as long as I can remember until I left your dumb ass one year and eight months ago. I won’t give you the satisfaction and neither did God because he never wanted you either. Now my wish is to have you suffer the rest of your life knowing not even your own daughter loved you. Ever. Rot in your own hell, I hope you live a long tortured life. Do not ever come find me again because if you do, I swear to you it will be the last thing you ever do.”

  She turned back around to her friends that stood shocked, looking at her like she never wanted to be looked at. And the man that claims he loves her; the pity in his eyes pissed her off even more. “Don't fucking look at me like that. All of you get the fuck out of my house.”

  “Trey…” Ayden stepped up losing the look of pity, but she cut him off and didn’t want to see what it was at all; the way that he looked at her now.

  “No, you do not get to look at me like that, you never loved me, the real me and you never will, not the real me, so get the fuck out of my house. Now.” He knew that there was nothing he could do at this point, knew that there was no words that can take back the look he just gave her. That he thought that he corrected quick enough, but wasn’t. He’s seen that look towards himself before and he knows how bad that look really is. He dropped his head and followed the rest of them out the door.

  Completely defeated.

  She won.

  He was not strong enough to stand by her side. He knew it, but so did she. In the back of her mind all the things she stored away was brought to the forefront. She wanted to love him, she needed to love him so that he could truly save her, but she needed to know that he was strong enough to stand by her side; before she could give him her heart.

  He was not. She did not.

  She locked all the doors, checked the locks on all her windows and went to her bathroom to clean the blood and hopefully the pain away. She knew it wouldn’t work, but the two bottles of Jack and the five joints sure did make her see only the darkness.

  ***

  Chapter Fourteen:

  All Of It; Screwed

  Ayden was completely screwed up; a total, complete mess. All he wanted to do was hold Trey in his arms, but he knew that was not what she needed. He knew that she needed to feel powerful; completely in control, entirely able to stand alone. He wanted to stand next to her and hold her up, but he knew that was not what she wanted; it was not the Trey he knew. Even though he did not know the Trey she used to be, he knew the Trey she was now and he loved every bit of h
er. It didn’t matter who she was before, because he did not want what he was before to make her think of him any differently. If he ever let her in. He would not think of her any differently, other than she’s stronger than he thought. Greater a fighter than he ever imagined.

  Yea, he was beat by his older brothers and his mother threw him away and his father was never around, and he never ate or had anything, but he knew he still had love to give. Trey didn’t and he could see why now. Who would believe that they were capable of loving if they couldn’t even love their own father? He understood now what she was always getting at when she said she ‘can’t love’ but he wanted to prove to her that she was capable of loving especially him, the one that loves her the way he did, more so now than before.

  He sat in his room all Christmas night completely and entirely on edge. He did all he could not to go back to her and demand that she say fuck it and fuck him and love him instead. He knew that she needed her space to calm down, but he really didn’t want to give her the time for that either. He wanted to show her now how much she means to him more than ever, how much he actually means to her. He didn’t, he knew he couldn’t, he stayed sulking in his room very pissed off and entirely screwed up because of it all.

  He wanted to kill that man that called himself her father for so many more reasons than the obvious. He made it so that Trey couldn’t believe in ever loving him, but that wasn’t even the worst to Ayden. He could change her mind, he could someday get her to realize that she did in fact love him. Yea, the physical pain was one thing and the words were another, but the fact that her father would break her enough never to fight back, never to talk back and just sit there and let him beat her and talk to her the way he did, was what really got him in shambles. She was hopeless; he could see it in her eyes the second the guy walked in. Also that she was not at all in control and the Trey he knew was not like that even the slightest. He did not like that one bit. She always stands tall, she always is in control, it hit him then at that thought. ‘Shit. I weakened her control, that’s what was really messing with her about me. Damn I’m stupid. I should have known not to mess with her control. I could see how much she needed even more so now, but still. Damn I’m an idiot. I have to go to her.’