The next morning he checked her place again before he went off to his first class of the first day in the new semester. She was still not home. He wasn’t sure if she came at all or if she had already headed to school. He went and dreadfully managed his first two classes. Then a thought hit him. She was going to meet the girls to discuss the fights at lunch so he shot Dane a text to find out where that would be at.
Ask Jos where they meet for lunch
K
Ayden waited impatiently. Trying to figure out a plan to get her alone.
They’ll b @ Tammy’s. On Broadway in between 7th & 8th @ 12:20
Ayden didn’t bother to text back. He looked at the time and ran to his bike. As he rode to his destination, thoughts of her not showing lingered in his head. He thought to go right to her, he wanted to go right to her, but when he saw the look on her face he knew he had to wait until she was done. She looked defeated, pissed off, waving at the girls like whatever they were saying was no big deal to her, like she truly didn’t care about whatever they talked about. It scared him. He knew that they were supposed to be talking about the fights and if she was giving up on that than she sure would give up on everything else, including him.
“Trey, you have to be a part of this, you created it.” Joslyn begged.
“I will be a part of it, but I want to ease out of it. I don’t want to do it anymore.” She spoke defeated.
“It’s what you live for Trey, it’s always been your sanity.”
“Not anymore.”
“It doesn’t matter about your past, you’ll get past it, we’ll help you. You were meant to be a fighter, an organizer, a true leader. You do wonders for these girls. You can’t just let that go.”
“I can and I will, Jos. I’ll help, but if you guys want to keep it going it’s up to you. I want out.”
“Jos, just let it go.” Gwen put her hand on her arm and pleaded with her eyes. Trey sighed knowing Gwen would step in, she just wished it was sooner. Joslyn’s last statement got to her. She knew she was meant to be a fighter, that’s what her gram’s always told her, but she just didn’t want it anymore. She got rid of her father and she wanted to get rid of the fight.
She spent the whole day yesterday riding her bike, begging it to give her the strength she needed to leave everything behind. What she couldn’t leave behind where her girls; she came back only to get them prepared to take everything over, she truly wanted out. She just didn’t want to leave them in a bind. She wanted to make sure they were prepared to take all of what she started over, so she could walk away feeling okay; that they were good.
She stood from her seat and headed out to her bike to get away from Joslyn’s broken look. She knew she put it there, she knew she was letting her best friend down, but she also knew she had to in order to get out. She walked down the street looking at the ground feeling just as broken until arms snaked around her and pulled her close. “Damn it Ayden.” She said as she shoved him away. He latched on again, she tried to break his hold on her, but she was to broken already to put up a real fight.
“Don’t, Trey. Just let me hold you.”
“I don’t want you to. I want you to leave me alone.”
“You know I’m not going to do that, so just stop asking. Stop fighting me on this. I’m yours and that’s simply the end of it. You accepted it this morning, now just let it be.”
“I didn’t accept anything other than a good fuck.”
“That’s a lie and you know it.” But did he know it? He sure was second guessing it. He ran his hand threw her hair and pulled her closer by her waist as he spoke softly letting her know it and himself that was just that; a lie. He would not believe it, nor would he let her. She rested her head on his chest for a few minutes before she backed away.
“I can’t do this with you Ayden. I just can’t.” She glided her leg over her bike and started it up, leaving him in the wake of broken hearts. He knew getting her to accept would not come easy and he was not willing to give up a little to lose the lot of her. He would try again and again. He cursed himself for believing it and falling asleep in false comfort this morning.
Gwen approached him, “She’s opening the shop tonight. You should come.” He nodded his head to her, but couldn’t speak up. He was to afraid he would break down on the spot and he was not ready for that. He would not let himself ever be ready for that. He would make Trey accept him for what he is; her needed love.
He went through the rest of his day miserable even when he walked into her shop. She was by her chair, cleaning up and seemed to be waiting for him. Not even that could get him to forget the misery. He slipped by her brushing his fingers against her hip and took his seat. He removed his shirt as she turned to him. “What do you want me to work on?”
“Whatever one you want.” He really wanted to work on her; on getting her to smile or at least acknowledge that the man that loved her was at her fingertips. He stared at her while she worked on him with a loss of words. When she was finished he was ready for that run with her, but instead she walked the stairs up to her space. He wouldn’t let it go that she was giving up on her run so he invaded her space instead walking up after her. He wrapped his arms around her waist and held her close to him hoping she would break. Break the ice that was forming between them ever since her father showed up.
She turned in his arms and began kissing him; seducing him. He knew it was for all the wrong reasons, but he just couldn’t help himself; he would take her however he could get her. It didn’t matter to him that she was only doing this to forget about everything that was going on around her. He was glad to be that distraction for her. Even if it meant that she wouldn’t accept him for anything else. He knew that she would someday realize what all this means; that he was there when she needed him. It would soon prove to her that she loves him. That’s at least what he hoped.
He backed her up to her room and pleasured her the way she wanted; to feel his love he had for her. When they were done she told him to leave. He knew what that meant; that she was throwing him away for the night, but he knew he would have her tomorrow and every day after that followed. He would be able to handle it even if it did break his heart every night when she spoke those words. He was strong, he would hold on until she was ready to truly keep him and not throw him away after she was done with him for the night. He dressed and walked out feeling defeated, but knowing he would have his victory at some point. A battle lost, but he would win the war no matter the cost.
As soon as he left she cracked open a bottle making every thought disappear with the liquor that no longer was in there. She drank herself to sleep without a thought or care.
The next two weeks were all of the same. The both of them as miserable as can be. They had their moments of closeness, but he didn’t have her mind into it, only her body and her need to forget; maybe to feel loved. Barely a word was spoken. He’d try to get her to talk, to fool around joking as she did his tat, but she wouldn’t let him crack her. It was as if her walls were a poured solid foundation instead of a hand built brick wall. He wasn’t sure he would ever be able to crack her defenses and his were down completely. It was taking a toll on him and he wasn’t sure how long his heart would hold up in the attack. Could he give up on her?
Even though her full mind wasn’t into it she got some new bloods started and a fight to be held within the next few days, classes slipped by with the least possible done to pass them and the tattoo shop suffered also because of it. It wasn’t the only thing suffering. His training was, his classes were, his job was at stake all because he was breaking. Life was not good for either one of them. They both felt defeat on the rise; a war that will never be lost or won, just a walk through time meant to be forgotten. All of it screwed. A waste of what could be a good life.
***
Chapter Fifteen:
Success Is A Mess
A few more weeks went by just the same. Their lives were shit, worse than anything before or at least that’s what it fe
lt like to the both of them. Their determination to be the person they wanted to be was in shambles; locked up with a lost key. They both were unsure of themselves and each other to really care about anything other than the pain. They spent their nights together, but they were even dwindling; it was down by half just this past week.
He could barely look at her when she did his tats, it hurt too much; he couldn’t stare in the face of a beauty that now crushed his heart every time he looked into her eyes. She was lost and he couldn’t search anymore because of the pain he felt; a huntsmen who couldn’t track no longer; feeling broken from being useless. He feared she’d never come back and the shell of the women he looked at when she did his tat or when he made love to her broke every nerve ending in his body; he no longer felt anything but the pain. It was suffocating and quite dangerous to his original plans.
I'm just a shadow you won't recognize
I gave up on fate on love
No one's capable of it
Not unconditionally
It's a whim
No one recognizes an
actual meaning of it
I'm a shadow of the person I once was
A shadow you won't recognize
Cause there was never love
No true love
Not unconditionally
It's a whim
Recognizing the true meaning
of nonexistence
I gave up on fate on love
I became just a shadow
Of who I once was
She still refused to think about anything other than just getting by for the girls to take over the fights next semester. They were starting to pull the strings because she wanted to make sure that they would be able to do it. She still wasn’t running and she hasn’t set a fight up for herself. She wasn’t sure she could handle it without snapping and going too far. She walked through her days as if she really didn’t exist than drank herself to sleep. The girls tried talking to her, but she refused, especially avoiding Gwen. She refused to feel anything at all because she knew it would only cause unwanted pain.
‘Something has to be done,’ he said to himself. They just finished screwing and he wanted so badly to just keep her in his arms, but she got up quicker this time than any before. She would let him caress her at least a little after, but this time she wanted nothing. He was barely off of her before she jumped away. Heading towards the bathroom saying, “Bye,” with no emotion at all. He snapped, but was quite when he asked, “So that’s it? It really is just a good fuck to you isn’t it?” He slurred her words she spoke before as if they burned his tongue.
“I already told you it was Ayden, weeks ago. Accept that or move on.” She had no emotion, no care; a robots answer. It wouldn’t bother her if he finally walked out of her life; it’s what she wanted in the first place anyway. She stepped through the bathroom door and closed it; shutting him out. He laid on the bed furious. He couldn’t stand this Trey she was completely heartless. ‘She wants to be like that, but I aint fucking letting her.’ He leap out of bed with fire, stormed over to the bathroom and slammed open the door. She was behind the glass doors of the shower, but he didn’t care, he swung them open to confront her.
“A good fuck, that’s it? Really, Trey? You really want to be this heartless bitch. I saw better in you, I see better in you.” Anger radiated from him, but his stellar calm irritated her more.
Her sweet sarcasm with a touch of pissed off humor infuriated him to the core; she wanted to break his calm. “What’s the problem, Ayden? You said you only cared about giving me your love? I let you do it every time you fuck me.” She switched her voice to just plan pissed off, “You got what you wanted, now go.”
“Get what I want, ha, hardly. You throw me out. Throw me away every time after you’re done fucking playing with me. After you get what you want, you throw me away every fucking time, Trey.” He was pissed and it showed with his tense body and clutched fists at his side but his voice and eyes showed only pain. She wanted him to snap and scream then walk away, but it didn’t work, it completely backfired instead. She couldn’t look at him, didn’t want to see the truth in it. She grabbed a towel wrapped it around herself and stormed over to the dresser and grabbed her bottle, throwing back a couple shots. She just wanted it all to go away; she wanted to find the darkness before he said more.
It was too late he spoke up, “I want more, so kill me. I want the Trey from before. This Trey…ah, this Trey is nothing, but a waste. You’ve given up on everything. It’s breaking my fucking heart, Trey.” He took a well needed breathe, he knew his words were a bit harsh and he had to change them or he’d push her away more and he knew it. They haven’t at all talked about this, but he needed to, she wasn’t going to blow off this subject again. He slouched his stance, taking a few steps closer to her. He wanted her to feel his closeness when he spoke. He went on in a pained voice, “I don’t know exactly what went on in your past, but what I did get out of that night he showed up was that you finally stood up to him, you finally fought back, you kicked him out of your life and he deserved it, you deserve to be rid of him, to make him dead to you.”
“You don’t know shit about any of it.”
“Maybe not, but I do know you’re strong and caring and determined. You’re a leader, a great leader, Trey. You’ve showed so many girls how to stand on their own, to demand respect. You’re amazing and smart and your wit and smile makes me the happiest I’ve ever known. You’re a sensational artist, a kick ass fighter…” She cut him off at that.
“That’s just it, a fighter. I’m sick of being a fucking fighter. That is what has always controlled my life, not me. Just get out and don’t come back, I don’t want this anymore. None of it. I’m done. Leave.”
“Being a fighter let you control your life. That’s what gives you strength. It doesn’t control you, it helps you, just like I want to.”
“Just leave, I don’t want to hear any of this.” She was throwing him away again. No matter what he just told her, she didn’t care, she just wanted him gone. His heart was completely and utterly done, it couldn’t take another time of her throwing him away. He couldn’t do it again, he was done, broken, unable to ever be fixed by her again. She wouldn’t be able to play with him anymore. He couldn’t let her.
“If I walk out that door I can’t come back, Trey. I can’t take another time of you throwing me away. Don’t throw me out, Trey.” He lowered his voice and begged, “Please, Trey. Don’t throw me away.” She turned her back to him and he watched her take in a gulp of air. He didn’t know what to think; was it pain of letting him go or was it defeat of letting him in? He held his breath waiting for her to make her choice; the choice that would break his heart or make him the happiest he ever would be.
“Go,” she whispered. She chose to break his heart. He couldn’t move. He really didn’t think that she would, but she did. He wanted to go up behind her and pull her close just to tell her he loved her one last time, but he couldn’t; she broke that. She broke his damn heart and turned it black, he grasped the concept of that and walked out.
She had a choice; she could keep on being a heartless bitch and finish off the semester and leave like she has planned to do or she could sit there and think about what Ayden said and change her plans. She didn’t want to do either, she didn’t want to think about either of them. She made him leave and that was the end of it and she knew it, so she slammed back a few more shots and passed out drunk and sulking in the darkness she demanded.
He couldn’t think, he didn’t want to think. He stalked to the bar and lost himself in the crowd getting drunk and walking home without any thought as to what he was doing or what just happened. The next morning he didn’t bother to leave his room, he couldn’t breathe. Neither could she. She went down to see if he would show up for his tat, but he didn’t. She went back to her room. She didn’t bother to think why she even did it, other than it being habit. They both drank their selves to sleep. The next day was the same; them
locking their selves away. Until the text came in for a fight in an hour.
He saw his number and cringed. He didn’t want to go, he knew it would be a bad thing. He knew he wouldn’t be able to hold back. He was glad it was a guy he would be fighting, but he still didn’t want to do it. He didn’t want to see Trey. ‘Maybe she won’t go,’ he thought then looked back at the text to finish reading it to see who else was fighting. Her number was on there and it fueled more than just anger. Jealousy took a bite at him and he jumped, like death was his only choice. ‘Hell no.’ He was not going to let her take some other guy home.
His walk over with Dane was in silence. He didn’t trust himself to speak, he didn’t want to because he knew if he did he would flip and it wasn’t Danes fault he fell in love with someone that had the power to make him crazy, had the power to complete his life; Give him his death. He didn’t bother to look around when they got there. He didn’t want to search her out and if he looked up he knew that she would be what he would look for, so he kept his head hung low. His name was called, but it wasn’t Trey that spoke. It put him at ease thinking maybe she didn’t show, but as he stepped out into the ring his mind was searching where she could be.
He wasn’t concentrating, he didn’t bother to look at his opponent and he didn’t see the first strike come at him. The guy knocked him back and he stumbled. He tried to shake it off, but it was too late the other guy was already on top of him. He fought to get out of the clutches, but it was a struggle. He hasn’t been training or running or thinking for that matter. A picture of Trey’s father flashed in his eyes at that thought and it was over from there, he almost blacked out. He flipped the guy over and smashed his fist into the guys face then heard the word that shocked and scattered everyone around. “Cops,” many yelled. He jumped up, but was too late to run. The tall guy with a badge and a gun grabbed him and slapped the cuffs on. “Fuck,” he spit out, but it wasn’t because he just got busted fighting. He searched the left over crowd for Trey and cursed himself for not looking for her before he started the fight. He wished at that moment he knew exactly where she was. Yeah, he was worried, he’d have one hell of a charge, but if the cops figured this out Trey was truly in a world of shit.
Wench With Wings Page 21