Now that he says it out loud it becomes real to me. I've had the same thought since I found out Derrick is free, but hearing the words is different than just having a passing thought. "I know, you're right." Sitting down on the bed next to me, I can see the hurt on his face.
"Jesus, Dacia, he was there, at your place." Kane's getting worked up. I can see it in his face and hear it in his voice. "What if he had been there, just waiting for you when you came home? What then?" I know the last thing he wants to do is upset me, but he's starting to. I'd be lying to say that I didn't have that exact same thought, but I didn't want to think about that right now. But as his concern for comes out as frantic yelling, that's exactly what I end up doing.
"Kane, stop, please." I put up my hand and fight back the tears that I feel coming on. "I know all this, okay? I get it." His face softens immediately when he sees that I'm getting emotional, and he reaches out to take my hand in his.
"I'm sorry," he says, "I don't know what I'm thinking...it's just...I'm worried about you. I can't imagine anything ever happening to you." His words break down the last emotional barriers that I have, and the tears flow from my eyes like a geyser. He doesn't let me cry uncomforted, which I love about him, and his arms envelop me before I even know they're there, and suddenly he's holding me, mind and body, and I let go completely to be in his control. "No more tears, it's all going to be alright, I promise you that."
"Don't make promises that you can't keep."
"I don't," he replies, "and I never will. We'll get through this together. I'm not going to let some psycho hurt my girlfriend; hurt the woman I'm falling in love with." For a second I think I'm dreaming. I must be. I closed my eyes last night, too exhausted from anxiety and fear to do anything but sleep, and I dreamed that I woke up, and that Kane Marsden just told me that he's falling in love with me. I'm dreaming that the man I love loves me back. But it feels real, and I literally pinch myself to make sure I'm awake.
"What did you say?" I ask, pulling my head out from the crook of his neck and looking him right in his beautiful eyes. "Your what? The woman you're what?"
"You heard me," he says confidently. His tone is so self-assured, yet vulnerable, that I feel overwhelmed with emotion.
"Yeah I did," I say back, "and I don't want to be hurt, either. I want to believe that this is all going to go away and I can lead some kind of normal life." When I say that I don't want to be hurt I'm not just talking about Derrick - I've never loved a man whose loved me back; not in the way that I know Kane does. And I know not because he just said the words, but because of how he's been treating me as I've gone through all of this. He's never left me alone, never not been there, and has done nothing but sacrifice his time and energy to make me feel better. But at the same time his words filled me with a kind of happiness I've never allowed myself to feel, they also scared me to my core. I've never been in a normal, healthy relationship - but, then again, this situation is pretty south of normal.
"I have some ideas," he says, going right back in to practical, fix-it male mode, "if you want to hear them." I love that he respects my boundaries, and that he doesn't wanna upset me. I also feel terrible that I didn't return any of the vulnerability that he just gave to me, but I need to be a little selfish at the moment; I need to heal a little bit.
"Of course I want to hear them." I assure him, "I can use all the good idea coming to me right now." It's true, I need to find some ways to fix this mess, and I'm not sure I can do it all myself.
"You have to promise you won't be angry with me." I hate when people say that; how the hell can I possibility know what someone is about to say is going to make me angry. But I go with it because I know that whatever he's about to say will be from a good place.
"Okay."
"I made some calls, and I went early this morning to pay that parole officer a little visit." I'm kind of shocked.
"You did what?" I'm more surprised than angry, and I really just want to hear more.
"I was waiting for him when he got to work. Shady looking character. Little guy who looks like he hasn't shaved in about 3 days, wearing a suit a size too big. He's a complete mess."
"No surprise there." It's funny because after I spoke to him on the phone the other night, I pictured him exactly as Kane's describing.
"Like I said, I was waiting for him, and I'm about a foot taller than him, so when he turned around and saw the look in my eye I could almost smell his fear. I didn't even need to say anything threatening; he knew from my body language alone that I wasn't messing around, and that he'd better give me whatever it is I needed from him."
"And what was that?" I ask.
"Information. That's the only value someone like him has. I knew that he must know something about Derrick - something he isn't sharing, so I paid him a visit to get it out of him." I'm still in shock but more than a little amazed that he did all this for me. "So once I saw the fear in his eyes, I politely invited him into his own office and asked him some pointed questions about our friend."
"And did he actually tell you anything?"
"It's amazing how motivating fear can be, especially to someone as weak and broken as he seems to be. Anyhow, I found out a few things, but I need to warn you that they're not going to make you feel any better. I still think it's better to know them than to not know them, if that matters at all." I'm so hesitant to hear what he has to say, not because I don't want to know, but because I'm not sure if I can handle any more bad news at the moment.
"No, it's okay, tell me." I decide it's best to have all the information I can about what's going on.
"No one knows where Derrick is," Kane says sharply, "he's missing." His words hit me right in the stomach. Not only is that psycho out of prison, but he's out there looking for me and no one can account for him. "Now, that may actually be a good thing." My eyebrow shoots up to the sky when he says that. "Let me explain. If Derrick plays it cool and acts normal, then there are no eyes on him. But if he's violating parole, and you filed a police report on him, then the police will be looking for him. That may pay off before this is all over." Over. That word seems like a distant dream to me right now. It's a word I've had in my mind the whole time Derrick's been rotting away in that cell of his. It's over, I'd think from time to time, but here we are again.
"I know what you're saying, but I have to tell you, the fact that he's loose and no one knows where he is about the least comforting good news I've ever heard." I try to smile again to lighten the mood, but it's a fake smile. I'm actually terrified to my core. "But what else did you find out?"
"Well his PO said that the cops gave him a call at home last night after hearing that Derrick was threatening you, and that you had reached out already. He told the cops that he hadn't heard from Derrick in days, and that he hadn't been staying at the halfway house he was assigned to. He hasn't gone to his job either, which is another parole violation. So, basically, he's on the run because he can go back to jail the minute the police find him - even without him threatening you."
"Great, so he's a escaped felon on the run with nothing to lose." I feel sick.
"C'mere," Kane says as he pulls me in close again. "The truth is that we just don't know - maybe he's halfway to the Mexican or Canadian border by now; maybe he got drunk and hit by a car; maybe he's just hiding out and afraid to go back to prison. We just don't know." Kane's right, we don't know, but what I do know is that Derrick isn't your typical petty criminal; he's not some strung-out kid who's on the run after robbing the local liquor store. Derrick is focused, dangerous, and isn't afraid of anything. I'd like to forget all that I know about Derrick at this moment, and just try to take comfort in the strength of Kane's arms. It's easy to do, even considering the circumstances - he's so big that I fit perfectly inside the frame of his hug; his chest is muscled and well defined, and the words he's speaking to me make me want to forget.
"Anything else?" I ask.
"Nothing that's going to be comforting to you. But let's just say th
at I'd rather be safe than sorry, and we need to figure out a plan until they catch this maniac. I have it through a close contact in the police department that they're actively searching for him as we speak."
"I won't ask how you found that out."
"I fully support that idea."
"But why the manhunt? Just for a threat he made against me? I appreciate it, but I didn't think of this as that important to a whole police department."
"There's a little more to it than that." Oh God, what else could it be now? How could this situation get any worse?
"Tell me." I demand. I can see that he doesn't want to be saying any of this to me, that he doesn't want to worry me more than he knows I already am. "It's okay, I can handle it. And if I can't I can always give alcoholism a try."
"It turns out that you're not the first person that Derrick has done...something like this to." I can tell that he's holding back.
"Something like what? The letter? The assault? Stalking in general?"
"All of those things, sure," he says, stopping short again, "but not just that."
"What is it? Just tell me, already."
"My contact in the department told me that Derrick is a primary suspect in several crimes in several different states - there's just not enough evidence in some of the cases to make it stick, but the cops assigned to those cases are 100% sure he's the guy."
"The guy for what? What did he do?" I yell, sitting up now and getting aggravated. Kane takes a deep breath and looks away from me, down at the floor like he's a kid in trouble. Finally he breathes in again and looks up at me, and his face is almost contorted with stress.
"Murder, Dacia. He's wanted for the deaths of two different women in other states."
Chapter 14
My luck just keeps getting better and better.
I know that Derrick’s crazy, but I’ve never really allowed myself to think of it the way Kane just said it. I shouldn’t be surprised; I know what he did to me all those years ago, but I’ve never said the words out loud, or even allowed myself to think them, but now it’s right in front of me – my ex-boyfriend Derrick tried to kill me, and he may try again. Deep down I know that’s what happened, that it’s just a matter of luck that I’m alive today, but hearing Kane say that Derrick’s wanted for actual murder in a few other states makes it all very real again. “Holy shit” is all I can think to say. I pull away from Kane without even realizing it, even as I can feel him trying to pull me in tighter. I’m like that sometimes; I don’t know why but when I’m really afraid like I am right now, I don’t want to me touched or held, I just want to get as far away from people as possible, but I’m trying to fight that instinct.
“I know this is bad,” Kane says softly as I pull back, “I didn’t even want to bring it up to you, but I thought that you should know how serious the situation is.”
“I appreciate it, I really do, but I’m scared shitless right now.”
“I know you are,” he says, reaching for my hand and putting it between both of his, “I can’t even imagine what this must feel like for you. But know this – he’s never going to hurt you; never going to even come near you; I’ll do everything I can to make this go away and keep you safe, but I need you to help me help you.” It’s a weird expression, but I know what he means. I’m independent by nature, it’s just part of how I needed to be growing up, and my default mode isn’t to ask for help. But this is different. This isn’t me being behind on my credit card bill, or needing a place to stay (actually, it kind of is!); this is my life, and being stubborn could get me seriously hurt. . . or worse.
“I’m all yours to help.” I say, and I mean it. I just want this to be over already. “So what’s the plan; I can’t just hide out in here all day and night.”
“Actually you can,” he says with a little more authority than I’m used to, “at least at first few days, until I can put a plan into motion.”
“That sounds so official,” I joke, “you sound like we’re in a spy movie or something.”
“It’s about that surreal for me. But I need a few days to talk to reach out to some of my contacts and think of the best course of action.” I love that he’s been thinking of what to do, and that he’s willing to suspend parts of his life just to keep me safe. “In the meantime just give me a list of everything you need – literally – and I’ll have it here for you.”
“Are you gonna be my personal shopper?”
“I was actually thinking of swinging by your place and getting your stuff, but if you want I can pull out the AMEX black card and buy you a new wardrobe.”
“Stop bragging,” I say, shooting him a sarcastic grin, “But yeah, at some point when this is all over I’m going to need you to do that new wardrobe thing.”
“You got it. And it’ll be over soon, I promise.”
“Don’t.” I tell him sternly.
“Don’t what?”
“Promise. You can’t promise that, so you shouldn’t say it.” I hate when people use the word ‘promise’ when what they really mean is ‘I’ll try really hard, but I have no idea if I actually can.’
“You’re right,” he says back softly, “I can’t actually promise that, but I can promise that he’ll have to go through me before he ever gets to you.”
<><><>
The next week drags on for what feels like way longer than seven days. I realize that I should not be complaining; if I'm a prisoner then I'm like Rapunzel (minus the blonde part), cause this place is a palace. Kane's been going back and forth the work every day, leaving me here to wander around and see if I can legit get lost. He's been true to his word; getting me anything that I need - and he hasn't complained once about the Rottweiler who leaves a hairy spot on almost every carpet. I think he secretly loves having her here more than me; he pretends to be annoyed but i see the smile on his face when she curls up on him and licks his face. I'll let him keep his annoyed facade, but I know the truth.
I feel like I'm a character in one of those gangster movies who’s agreed to talk to the FBI and has to go into witness protection. Only instead of staying in some crappy motel, eating bad takeout and being surrounded by guys in suits, I get to live out some captive princess fantasy. Wandering around this place is like exploring some new neighborhood. If Kane knew me a little better he'd know that I can't just sit on a couch watching TV all day - I'm a mover - besides the times I'm half asleep from too much work or not enough caffeine, I love to move around and take long walks. I guess, strictly speaking, you could call what I'm doing snooping, but I don't like to think of it like that, I'm not going through his medicine cabinet or underwear drawers or anything extreme (okay, I did once, but there's nothing to do in here, I'm not crazy!).
I get a call on my cell from Kane and my first instinct is to shut the door like I'm a kid doing something wrong. "Hey" I answer, realizing that I'm an adult and that I shouldn't feel guilty walking through his house. "What's up?"
"Noting much," he says, "how bored are you?" Can he see me? Knowing him he has some sophisticated surveillance system in here. Now I'm really being paranoid.
"Pretty damn bored," I answer, looking up at the ceiling like a lunatic, "but it's just the cost of staying safe. What's going on with you?"
"Oh, you know how it is in the boring corporate world. Deals, meetings, old stuffy men in equally old and stuffy suits. Nothing that won't bore you even more than you already are."
"Sounds like fun." I joke.
"Always. But that's not why I'm calling."
"Missed my voice that much? Couldn't go an afternoon without hearing it?"
"Well, obviously, that goes without saying, but even more than that."
"What is it?"
"Do you want the good news or the bad news first?"
"Surprise me." I don't want the bad news at all, I'm not sure I can take any more of it.
"Okay, so the good news is that you and I don't have to eat takeout Chinese again tonight."
"Wait, are you telling me that
instead of going to work this whole week what you've actually been doing is taking secret cooking classes so you can make me a feast like your brother did for Mia?" His laughter through the phone is so loud that I have to pull it away from my ear. "No?"
"That's one hell of an imagination you have. Wow."
"Glad I can amuse you. But I was secretly hoping I was right."
"Couldn't be more wrong, but you should be used to that by now."
"Asshole."
"Guilty as charged. But seriously, just listen a minute, I think you'll be excited." I can use some excitement, it's been a rough few weeks. "We're not getting takeout because we're having guests. Mia and Wesley are flying back in tonight, and I invited them for dinner tomorrow" I've been so caught up in what's been going on with me and my drama that I totally lost track of time. Mia and Wesley are back! I'm excited and kind of nervous at the same time. I hesitate to response, and I think it tips Kane off to how I feel. "What's wrong, I thought you'd be excited."
"No, of course I'm excited, it's just..." I stop short and Kane interjects.
"They have no idea what's going on and you don't want to tell them. I get it."
"I have to tell, Mia. She's my best friend and I can't hide all this from her, it's just exhausting. I don't know what to say."
"Well I'll be there, all of us will be there, and we can do it together, one step at a time." He's being so supportive, and it means the world to me, but I'm still pretty nervous. "Why don't you invite Kevin and...that girls he's seeing, this way you can tell everyone at once and get it into the open." It isn't a bad idea, but I have a slight modification to the plans.
"He can leave her home, I don't want her here, and trust me, neither do you. But I love the idea of inviting Kev, I've been blowing off his occasional texts and telling him I'm too busy to talk, so he probably already suspects something's up."
Impressions of Me (Impressions Series Book 2) Page 12