"I am not a runner. I just like to sleep in my own bed is all," I say.
"Okay, if that's what you want to believe." He's fucking teasing me now.
I can't believe he's even questioning me when he is so obviously the problem in this situation. He brought another woman on our last date for fuck’s sake. He couldn't have made it any clearer that he's not ready for a relationship.
"You're the one running from love," I say. "I mean you brought that girl Olivia to the club the other night. You certainly made it evident that you don't want to start something real."
He looks at me deeply, in that way that causes that nervous tension I’m becoming familiar with. What is it about this guy that has me so captivated?
I mean sure, he's tall and gorgeous and obviously wealthy, but there's something more there. There's something in him that I just can't put my finger on.
I attribute it to his overpowering nature. That must be what I'm infatuated with. We continue our coffee date and I'm actually feeling better about having left the house.
No matter how much I want to be angry with him, I just can’t. And that’s when I realize that as much as I tried to guard my heart, it’s too late.
I’ve fallen for Xavier.
Xavier
We’re in the café, my favorite haunt in NYC. The exposed brick and ancient beams give this place a rustic quality that I will never tire of. There are quite a few patrons here but Allie’s tucked nicely in the back corner of our table so it’s doubtful anyone recognizes her besides the staff.
"So tell me, Allie, what is your biggest regret in life?" I ask over our coffee.
She thinks about my question for a while.
“There's only one regret that stands out to me. And it has to do with this guy Stanley I knew in high school.”
"Oh really?" Suddenly I'm way more interested. Where is this coming from?
"Well, you might find this story boring, but it has to do with how I lost my virginity."
"Go on." My eyes dance as I think back to the moment.
It was special for me too, considering I was the guy she lost it to. Well, the guy I thought she lost it to. After what happened after, I knew the truth.
My level of fucking has gone up about a million times since then, but she was still my first.
Too bad she doesn't realize it was me, otherwise she could've been Mrs. Armstrong and her life wouldn't be in shambles right now.
"The truth is," she says. "I was really hurt in high school by this one guy, and more than that, this one girl who was supposed to be my best friend."
I find I'm sitting on the edge of my seat, anxious to hear her side of the story.
"So, there was this guy, his name was Stanley. He was kind of a nerd, but I always felt something for him. He was so smart, and that attracted me to him a lot. I knew that he would make something of himself in life."
I look at her intently, knowing full well that she's describing me. Is that really how she saw me back then?
She continues, "So I was a cheerleader and I was friends with this girl on the squad named Becky. I didn't realize until later that she was incredibly jealous of me and she had it out for me. Anyway, back to Stanley. He and I had a date scheduled and I relied on Becky my friend to tell him where it was. But I found out later she told him the wrong place, so he thought I stood him up."
I'm all ears now because I remember Becky, but I didn't know she meddled in our situation. This is news to me. I thought Allie stood me up that night of our first date. And I’ve been operating on that presumption. That's why I stood her up the other day at Blackwell's.
If this is true, then suddenly things are looking very bad for me. Even worse than they already do.
"So, the thing is," she says. "Stanley and I, well, we had a connection. We ended up losing our virginity to each other despite missing the first date. It was a high school thing and it was one magical night. I felt as connected to him as I have ever to another human being."
Oh my fucking God. What she's describing is exactly how I felt that first night with her. I knew we had a connection. I felt it then like I feel it now.
Even more, she’s telling me she did lose her virginity to me, something I didn’t believe after the fact. And this changes everything.
"But after that night," she says, "he left school suddenly and I didn't see him for a while. I found out that my so-called friend Becky had told him I had an STD. Seems relevant to my life right now doesn't it?"
Fuck. She doesn't sense the connection. I purposely put her in the STD commercial out of spite for what she did to me. Becky told me that Allie had an STD and didn't tell me. Made me believe she’d lied about me being he first. Lied about everything.
This is all so wrong.
"Anyway, Becky told Stanley that I had an STD and that I didn't tell him before we had sex. I think he was really mad at me and I think that's why he left school. He thought I gave him an STD. I was so devastated because I really cared about this guy. I gave him my virginity after all."
There it is again. She really was a virgin. She wasn’t sleeping around. Everything I thought I knew is all wrong.
"So, what happened?" I try to act the part of the new guy just trying to understand.
"Wow, you seem really interested in the story," she says to me.
"Well, I just want to learn more about you," I say. "Tell me how it ends."
"Okay, well, Becky told me that Stanley had moved on. She said he was dating someone else. In my own grief at losing Stanley, I decided to try to get back at him in case I ever saw him again. I didn't know why he left me. I didn't know that Becky had told him I had an STD. So, the quarterback of the football team asked me out and I said yes. We went to prom together and Stanley was there. I flaunted my love for this football player in front of him.
“I didn't want Stanley to know that he hurt me so much by abandoning me. Remember, I had no idea Becky had been working behind the scenes to ruin me. And ruin me she did. Because after that, I never saw Stanley again. But I never stopped caring about him either. So, I guess you can say that's my biggest regret."
I have nothing to say. I'm just silent. Now it all makes perfect sense. I remember Becky. She was the go-between with Allie and me. And she really destroyed everything we had and everything we could have been. I had no idea I shouldn’t trust her. And it sounds like Allie didn't know either.
I am just astonished that one girl, this Becky, could have such an evil heart as to ruin lives.
Her actions devastated me. And this entire time I had no idea that Allie was hurting too.
So I've been operating entirely out of false assumptions. Suddenly my need to protect Allie is at the forefront of my mind.
The walls come down and I allow myself to care for her at last. I've been suppressing it all these years, but she really is the person for me. There’s no denying it any longer. It’s always been her.
And me? I've dismantled her entire life. Because of my actions, she may be out of work for a lifetime. She may never come to realize her full potential.
"Allie, I'm so sorry," I say, but the message is veiled. "I'm sorry that happened to you."
Really, I'm sorry for what I've done.
"I want you to be happy and to forget about the past," I say to her, wracking my brain for a way to fix all this.
Tears form in her eyes.
"Thanks, Xavier, that means a lot." She wipes the tears away and says, "I don't know why I'm crying. It's silly, really. I mean, it was so long ago. He probably doesn't even remember my name. I just wish that girl hadn't come between us. I guess you could say that I have a hard time trusting female friends now."
My heart breaks for her and for myself. We were both robbed of a happy ending. I've spent years hating Allie for what I thought she did, and for what? I've wasted time being bitter. And all of that stops now.
I will not let Becky steal another moment from us. From this day forward, I will make it up to Allie.
&nb
sp; Years of hurt and pain are coming off of me like how a snake sheds its skin. I see that I've been a player because I was too afraid of getting hurt again. I thought Allie never cared about me and I could not have been more wrong.
She's the only person to have seen me for what I was, a geeky, awkward kid, and to love me anyway. She saw my potential when no one else did, and what did I do? I sabotaged her career as a model, possibly forever.
"Allie, it's going to be okay." I'm unsure of the words even as I say them. "We'll fix it, okay?"
She looks at me. "Why are you suddenly so interested in helping me? What's changed?"
I wish I could tell her. I want to divulge the truth right here. But I just got her back and I can't afford to jeopardize that now.
First, she needs to know that she can be safe with me. I'm done with the games, and I'm done trying to destroy and damage her. This is our new beginning.
Allie
We're getting ready to leave the coffee shop and frankly, I’m shocked by Xavier's behavior. He seemed to take a genuine interest in my story of regret over having lost Stanley.
I've never seen that side of him before. Normally he's kind of cold and crass and distant. But something about me opening up to him has led him to treat me a little more gently.
I don't know what it is about Xavier. I can't put my finger on it but there's something mysterious about him. There's something I'm just not getting.
First, he acted so concerned about helping me to get a new agent. But then the agent ended up being a not so great person. And then Xavier invited me out, but he asked Olivia to come along. I'm still scratching my head over that one. Even though the sex that night was amazing.
And now he's actually acting so nurturing and I just don't understand why. I mean everybody has a virginity story, and they're usually not that great. So I don't know why mine is so different to him.
"So, do you think we should get out of here?" he says.
I cringe at the thought of leaving my little hiding spot.
"I'm ready to go," I say. "But I'm not ready to face the world."
"Come on," he says. “I bet no one will even recognize you. Besides you're with me, what could go wrong?"
I look at him and think to myself how he's just so handsome and how I secretly want to go back to his penthouse and let things heat up.
"Fine," I say, giving in. "We can go. But you have to guard me if something happens," I say, somewhat jokingly.
We're on the street and all seems good. He and I decide to take a little walk around the city. It'll help to get some fresh air after being cooped up in my apartment for so long.
"So," he asks. "Have you ever felt that strongly for anyone else besides that guy Stanley?"
I look up at him and think about how I'd love to tell him the truth. I'd love to tell him that maybe he could be the guy that I could fall for again. But again, with Xavier, things are just too dangerous.
I know he has a problem with commitment and I don't want to get wrapped up in the drama. So I say nothing about that.
"No, I haven't ever felt that way again. I guess I'm just unlucky in love...and in life."
He has a gloomy expression on his face and I don't understand why. It's not like this is his life being ruined. And it's not like it was he that did it to mine.
He's holding my hand and it's a nice fall day. For a moment everything in the world seems just right.
All the women who pass Xavier give him a second glance. He must be used to this kind of behavior, with women checking him out everywhere. He really is that gorgeous.
Just as I'm starting to let go and to forget all my worries, something awful happens.
Some guys approach us. They look like college frat boys or something. They take one look at me and started laughing.
And then one of them says, "Hey, man, you know she's diseased, right?"
He directs the question to Xavier, and I feel absolutely humiliated. This is like my worst nightmare. This is why I didn't want to leave the house.
I try to hide my face and then realize I forgot my somewhat clever disguise. I left my scarf and sunglasses at the café. I'm screwed.
Before I can feel much more embarrassment, though, Xavier is going up to the men and challenging them.
"What did you just say?" he says aggressively.
The guy doesn't back down. He stands up to Xavier, even though he's about half his size.
“I said she has an STD, moron. Don't you know that?"
At this point, I want to find the nearest hole, crawl in it, and never come out. For this kind of thing to happen in front of Xavier, the man I'm trying to impress, well, it's the worst kind of torture.
Xavier grabs the guy by his collar and throws them up against the building. I’m stunned into silence. I've never seen him rage like this before and I've never seen those muscles on full display.
"You will never say anything like that about her again," he yells at the guy.
He picks him up by the collar and holds him by the neck against the building, nearly choking him out.
"Now, I want you to apologize to the woman. Now!"
It's super hot and sexy to see Xavier in full alpha male mode right now. I really do feel taken care of. And I've never had a guy stand up for me like this before. It makes me feel like he'll always do this for me and that I can trust him. What are these feelings?
The guy utters some kind of half-assed apology. But Xavier doesn't let him go.
"You better mean what you say!" he screams in the guy's face.
He squeezes his neck a little tighter and the other guys are cowering, looking like they'd love to run away right about now.
"I want you to apologize, and you better mean it," he says. “I want all of you to apologize to her."
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," one of the guys says to me, so willing.
"Yeah, me too. Honestly, we're real sorry about this," another one says.
And finally, the one who's being held up against the building utters his final apology to me and it couldn't sound more sincere,
"Listen, we didn't know. We are so sorry. I'm sorry for what I said and I promise never to say something like that again."
With that, Xavier releases his grip and the guy falls to the ground. He's holding his neck like it hurts, and I can't say that I care.
I'm impressed by my man, if I can even call him that these days. He protected me, and it's the first highlight in my life I've felt since the video came out.
"Xavier, you certainly made them pay for it," I say, still a little dazed.
"Yeah, well, they deserved everything they got. They're lucky I didn't punch their stupid faces in. I feel sick about the fact that people are treating you this way," he says.
"You know, I really appreciate that," I say. "But you have to know this is not your fight. I'm gonna have to figure my way out of this somehow."
"I'm gonna help you, Allie," he says. "I promise to help you find a way out of this thing. There's got to be a way to undo this."
A look of misery crosses his face and I just honestly cannot put two and two together. Xavier and I are not exclusive, and he's made me feel like I'm not the only woman in his life, so why does he care so much now?
I figure I should take what I can get and just be grateful for his kindness. But a part of me is wary. There's something that I just don't trust about Xavier right now.
I'm just ready to retreat from the world. This has been a pretty traumatic day.
"Can we please go somewhere private?" I ask, hoping he'll take me somewhere and fuck my brains out so I'll forget all this wretched embarrassment.
He looks at me thoughtfully.
"You can't hide forever, you know. I think we should stay out and you can learn to handle the scrutiny."
I know he's vacillating between being the alpha male that he is and not letting me give in to my tormentors, and he's feeling kinda like maybe he should give in to me and get me out of here. I hope he chooses the lat
ter.
"I want to hide, Xavier, at least for a little while longer."
He sighs. "You sure that's what you want to do? You're just gonna run from the world?"
"For a little while longer. Don't you understand? Today was brutal."
"Okay." He squeezes my hand, turns around, and leads me back toward the penthouse.
I'm elated to be going somewhere private, out of the public eye. This has been one long experience that I'm ready to put it behind me. It looks like the video is going to haunt me no matter where I go and what disguise I wear.
Even though I'm with Xavier now, it's hard to look up and have a positive perspective, considering today I've been both heckled and judged.
But if we’re going back to his place, I know I have the perfect distraction in store.
Xavier
I call to have a town car come and pick us up. I need to get Allie off of the street as soon as possible. I had no idea what she's been dealing with. The heckling and the harsh judgments are too much for me to hear. They make my blood boil.
I want to protect her and I can't believe it was I who put her in this position. It's all my fault.
My feelings for her are obviously shifting. And even though I created this warped situation, I know now that I'm gonna bring her back out of it, somehow, someway. Allie doesn't deserve this. I don't know what I was thinking.
I pull her away from the crowds and into a corner near a skyscraper so she's nice and hidden. She's crouched in the crook of my arm and I'm trying to protect her.
Her face is famous. Everyone's seen the video and it's gotten way more publicity than even I could imagine.
"Are they gonna pick us up soon?" she asks.
"Yes, baby, they're coming. I'll get you out of here soon."
I wrap the sides of my black trench coat around her and try to envelop her with my safe presence. She snuggles into my chest and the feeling is everything I could dream of.
I lean down to kiss her, and as her soft lips meet mine, sparks of electricity start to fire off between us. It's undeniable. There's always that spark.
I feel it when I'm in the room with her, and I feel it when I'm away from her, at a distance. We just have some kind of incredible connection.
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