by J. L. Beck
“Go to him. Make things right. Tell him the truth and let the pieces fall where they may. Once you do that, the matter is out of your hands.” Gabby’s words resonate through me, and I know I have to do what she says.
I have to try.
I have to give us a chance.
My fists beat furiously against the heavy wooden door of Fallon and Reed’s house. I feel like a complete asshole for showing up so early in the morning, even more so knowing they have a newborn baby, but I need advice, and the only person who can talk me off the edge of insanity right now is my big brother Reed.
“Fucking Christ,” Reed swears under his breath as the door is ripped opened and he pulls me inside, closing the door he just opened behind us. My hands are still shaking, and I’m shirtless, forgetting to grab my shirt off Ava’s bedroom floor before leaving.
“First, what the hell are you doing here so early, and what the fuck happened to your shirt?” Reed asks, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, taking me in.
“I left it at Ava’s when I stormed out of her apartment to come here.”
“Why? What happened?” Concern etches his features, and I know he’s worried about me and whatever is going on between Ava and I. Honestly, so am I. I acted like a dick, but I had every right to I think. She lied, and I hate lies.
“She’s pregnant.” Reed’s mouth tightens at my announcement, but I don’t stop ranting. “She’s fucking pregnant and she didn’t tell me. She didn’t tell me, Reed.” So many emotions are coursing through me, and I don’t know what I should focus on first. Before I even realize I’m going to ask the questions, they come out of my mouth. “Why wouldn’t she tell me? Does she think I’ll be a horrible father?”
He shakes his head, putting an arm around my shoulders and leading me into the living room. We take seats on the couch, and the fact that we were just here in these exact same positions not very long ago talking about Ava doesn’t escape my notice. I don’t see how this will end the same way.
“Did you ask her why? I’m sure she had a reason.”
My head snaps up, and my stormy eyes meet his calm ones. I hate that he’s so damn calm. He should be just as pissed off as I am right now. “Of course…” I trail off. No, I didn’t ask her. All I did was yell at her and disregard what she said about wanting me to love her for her, not because we were having a baby.
Reed shakes his head at me when he sees the answer on my face. “Figures. I can tell you exactly what you did. You screamed at her, told her she betrayed you, and ran away like a pussy little bitch.” A hand smacks me on the back of my head when I nod, and I turn to see Fallon holding Mav and glaring down at me as she walks around the sofa to stand in front of me.
“You’re such an asshole, Ryker. How could you do that to her?”
How is it that my family is taking her side? “What do you mean, ‘how could I do that to her?’ What about what she did to me? She’s been lying about being pregnant for practically the entire time I’ve known her.”
“Yeah? And did you bother to put yourself in her shoes?” Fallon asks, raising one eyebrow as she does. “No, you didn’t.” She keeps talking, not giving me a chance to defend myself. “Instead, you treated her like shit and left her. God, you Winstons are all the same. Remember when Reed stormed out on me? You came to check on me, to make sure I was all right when he was a dick. And now look at you. Doing the exact. Same. Thing. To Ava.” She punctuates each word with a poke of her finger in my chest.
Fuck. She’s so right. I tell her that, and she just laughs. “Of course, I am. You know what else? Ava’s seen so many different sides to you. You’ve been the sexy stranger, the bastard of a boss, the asshole alpha male, the loving boyfriend type. How was she supposed to know which one of you would react to her news? I swear you have multiple personalities living inside you.”
Dropping my head into my hands, all I can do is think about what an idiot I am. I reacted without thinking, and now things are more screwed up than they were when I first found the book. I almost wish she’d followed me out of the bedroom last night. Maybe if I hadn’t had hours upon hours to think about it and freak the fuck out I wouldn’t have lost my shit on her.
Fallon kisses the top of my head, patting my back gently and whispering, “You need to make this right. Mav needs his cousin close.” I can hear her walk out of the room after she says this, and I try to figure out what the hell to do. How am I ever going to make this up to her? How will she ever forgive me for the things I said?
She’s most likely freaking the hell out, and here I am at Reed’s when I should be back at her place comforting her. Telling her everything is going to be okay, because it fucking is. She’s mine, and what’s mine I protect, cherish, and love with all my heart.
Reed rubs at his jaw as if he’s thinking deeply about something, and suddenly I feel like a jackass for driving all the way over here without a fucking shirt on, waking my brother, his wife, and their baby up all for my own personal issues.
“I should probably go. I feel bad enough barging in here like this.” I gesture to myself, which causes Reed to smirk.
“As if I haven’t seen you do worse. Shut up and stay put. I want to talk to you.” I gulp, feeling as if I’m back in Dad’s office, one second away from being scolded.
“Okay, what’s up?” I ease into the couch, wanting it to swallow me up. The last thing I need to be doing right now is having a heart-to-heart. I have a relationship to fix and a woman to prove that I love her.
“Have you read Dad’s letter yet?”
I shake my head no and fidget with my fingers. I’ve been avoiding the damn paper since the moment I got it. I don’t want to read it because I don’t want it to ruin my last memories of him. I don’t know what’s written on that paper, but I don’t really care, not as much as Reed does.
Reed rolls his eyes. “Where is it? Please tell me you didn’t throw it away.”
I sigh, almost wishing I’d have thrown it away. “It’s in my car outside,” I inform him. “I put it there when I got it so I wouldn’t be tempted to open it. I don’t care to know what’s inside it, Reed.”
“You need to read it, Ryker. The shit in that letter is important, and it will change everything you thought you knew about Dad.”
Reed’s words cause a shiver to go down my spine, and before I can ask what the hell he’s talking about, he pulls out his phone, and I see him click on Remy’s name on the screen.
I listen to his side of the conversation without remorse, chuckling when Remy answers, cussing Reed out for waking him up so early. I guess that’s only fair, considering I woke both Reed and Fallon up.
Once our youngest brother agrees to come over and bring his letter, Reed shoves his phone back into his pocket and turns his attention back to me.
“Go get the fucking letter, Ryker. Remy will be here in just a few minutes,” Reed orders, his voice harsh just like Dad’s before the lecture came.
Rolling my eyes, I do as he says, even though it’s the last damn thing I want to do. Hasn’t my day had enough drama already?
Remy pulls up just as I’m shutting the passenger door on my car, so I stop and wait for him to reach me.
“What the hell, Ryker?” he asks grumpily, walking up the sidewalk toward me. “Why is Reed demanding I come over so damn early and bring this stupid letter with me?”
I shrug. “He says it’s important. Have you read yours?”
“Fuck no. What’s the point? I’m sure it’s just some ‘I’m proud of you boys’ bullshit he couldn’t tell us when he was alive. I’m past the point of needing Dear Old Dad’s approval.”
Ouch. I guess I’m not the only one harboring some resentment toward our father.
The front door opens before we make it halfway up the walk and Reed stands in the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest and a scowl on his face.
“Are you guys coming in, or should we do this outside?” The sarcasm that laces his words makes me want to slug him.
; Remy and I both roll our eyes but follow Reed inside. Fallon was busy while I was outside trying to convince myself to grab the letter out of my glove box. There are three steaming mugs of coffee on the short table in front of the couch, and plates with sandwiches for each of us too. How the woman who just had a baby can whip up coffee and sandwiches so fast amazes me, but then again, she puts up with Reed, so she has to be pretty fucking amazing to do that.
My stomach is in too many knots to even attempt to eat, but I grab the cup of coffee gratefully and take a sip before taking a seat. Remy sits beside me but has no such qualms about eating. He shoves one half of a sandwich into his mouth and sits back on the loveseat, spreading his legs out and relaxing like he has no cares in the world.
Reed gestures toward the letters in our hands. “Read them. Now.”
Being adults hasn’t made my older brother any less bossy, but I know I’m not going to get out of this without doing what he wants, so I break the seal on the envelope and pull out the single sheet of paper. From the corner of my eye, I see Remy doing the same. I unfold the paper and start reading it, and within seconds, my mind’s unable to keep up with my eyes.
* * *
Ryker,
I’m sorry. I know those two words are practically meaningless, especially now, but I truly am. Losing your mother broke my heart, and I didn’t know how to even begin to deal with her loss. Now, I’m facing my own mortality, and all I can see is the multitude of mistakes I made during my life. Both with your mother, and with you three boys.
Your mother and you boys were the best things to ever happen to me, and I took that for granted. I never fully understood everything that went into raising children, and I spent a large amount of time neglecting your mother and you boys when you were small. Of course, it’s not like she let me get away with it. Your mother was fierce as hell, strong as an ox, and as determined as a mule. You were barely a year old when she sent me packing for being a jackass.
And as much as I’d like to tell you I straightened right up, I can’t. I’m human, and I made so many mistakes. Telling you and your brothers about my indiscretions is hard, but there’s something the three of you need to know. Something I’ve been trying to find the words to tell you for months now but have been unable to do.
You see, when your mother booted my ass out, I was angry. So angry and full of righteous indignation. Who was she to tell me I was failing as a husband and a father? I brought home the money, I made sure her and you and Reed were happy, but instead of falling to my knees and apologizing to her, begging her forgiveness, for letting her know how much she really meant to me, I had an affair.
* * *
His words shock me. How did I never know he and Mom had problems? Their marriage always seemed perfect. I look up at Reed, not sure I want to read further, but he nods, his arms crossed over his chest, looking as menacing as ever. “Finish it.”
Right now, in this moment, I hate him a little for not just telling Remy and I what our dad did. Why make us read this confession? Taking a deep breath, I go back to the godforsaken letter, even though my eyes are burning with the tears I’m trying to keep inside.
* * *
The affair didn’t last long. Less than a week. But even a short affair is a betrayal. I never told your mother it happened. Once it was over, I felt so damn guilty. The guilt is what let me do what I needed, to beg her forgiveness. She never knew my apology was more about my having an affair than leaving her to tend to two small children without my help.
Once I came home, things between us were good, better than they’d been before. I made it a point to be home for dinner, to help her put you boys to bed, and before I knew it, she was pregnant with Remy and things got even more hectic.
I’ve always wondered if your mom getting sick was God’s version of karma on me. Maybe he took her away from me because I lied? I wasn’t faithful to the vows I gave her, and I never told her what happened. You boys didn’t deserve to lose your mom, and once she was gone, the guilt became more than I could live with. That’s why I started spending all my time at work again. I couldn’t look the three of you in the face for a long time.
You’re probably wondering why I’m doing all this rambling, why I’m destroying the happy family you thought you had all this time.
About a month ago, the woman I had the affair with made an appointment under a different name and came to see me. I recognized her immediately, and even more importantly, I recognized the extreme amount of guilt in her eyes.
You see, son, I wasn't the only one keeping secrets. She kept a pretty damn big one from me too. It turns out, that week we had together, well, it left her with a baby in her belly. One she never told me about.
Sure, she had explanations. How she came to tell me, but couldn’t because she saw I was happy. Then, when she tried again, your mother was there and she was too afraid.
Karma got me again, because I’m finding out I have a daughter when I know I’m not going to be around to get to know her.
I know I should. I should meet her and spend whatever time with her I can, but how do I enter her life when I know I’ll be leaving it so soon? It’s better for her if I leave her be. I’m sure she hates me for abandoning her for her entire life, even if I wasn’t aware that she existed.
This is where you and your brothers come in, Ryker. This girl, Marie Duchesne, she’s your sister. You deserve to know her, to have her in your life, and she deserves to have the family she never did.
I wish I was strong enough to tell you this while I’m still here, but I can’t stomach the thought of seeing you look at me with disgust in your eyes. You already hold so much anger towards me. I can’t handle you hating me too. I didn’t want your last memories of my life to be tainted by anger. I hope you can forgive me.
Love,
Dad
* * *
When I get to the end of the letter, I can’t look away. Marie Duchesne? Ava’s roommate Marie? How is that even possible? Does Ava know? I dismiss the question almost immediately. No, if she knew she, would have made Marie introduce herself or kept her away from us completely to protect her. Knowing she’s my half-sister, though, explains so much. The hostility in her eyes anytime I was near her, the way she went stiff last night at Fallon’s bachelorette party when the three of us walked in.
Remy clears his throat, bringing me out of my thoughts, and when I look over at him, his eyes are glassy with unshed tears and he looks devastated.
“We have a sister?” His voice breaks on the word, and he swallows hard.
Reed has to clear his throat before he answers. “We do.” Remy looks up at him like he doesn’t understand what’s happening, and he’s not alone. I felt so lost when I came over this morning, but now? Now I feel like I’ve been cast out to sea without a lifeboat.
I watch as Reed comes over so he’s standing in front of us and sits on the edge of the coffee table so the three of us are on the same level. “This is something we need to handle. The girl—” Remy interrupts him to say her name, and Reed nods. “Marie. She’s just as much of a victim as we are in this. She didn’t ask to be born, and we can’t hold it against her.”
All I can do is nod my agreement. I don’t trust my voice to speak.
Remy chuckles, punching me on the shoulder and trying to break the tension in the room. “Hey, you know what I just thought about?” Reed and I both turn to look at him, and he explains. “Maybe Dad is the reason you met Ava. If you hadn’t met her, we would have to search for Marie. Ava coming along when she did, being friends with her? That can’t just be a crazy coincidence.”
The thought that my father might have brought Ava to me the way he pushed Fallon and Reed together is what breaks me. I stand, rubbing my hands along the sides of my pants in agitation. I can’t sit or stand still, and I don’t want to be here anymore.
“I have to go.” I don’t wait for them to say anything, but I hear Reed call my name as I slam the front door behind me. I have no clue where I�
��m going, but I need space, time to think and plan my next steps.
No matter what, Ava is mine, and I’m not letting her go. Even if I have to go through my half-sister to get her.
When I pull into the parking garage across the street from Ryker’s apartment, my hands are shaking and I feel like I’m going to throw up. What am I going to do if he slams the door in my face or tells me to my face to go away and that he never wants to see me again? Even worse, what if he threatens to take the baby away from me?
Logically, I know he wouldn’t do that, but it doesn’t stop me from worrying about the possibility. He was so angry when he left my apartment. I don’t want to make things worse. I also don’t want to keep any more secrets from him.
It seems like it takes forever to get to his floor. Why does he have to live so damn far up? I mean, there’s an elevator, a really nice one, so it’s not like I’m walking up a million flights of stairs, but knowing why I’m here makes it seem like I’m taking more steps backward than forward. In fact, I’m pretty sure the elevator stopped on every single floor on the way up, plus went back down a few times, too, just to give me more time to freak out.
I finally make it to his floor, and when I walk up to his door, I freeze with my hand in the air, ready to knock. Must. Not. Chicken. Out. The shitty pep talk doesn’t help much, but I’m finally able to lower my fist and bang, bang, bang on his door.
There’s no noise. No footsteps coming to look and see who’s at the door, no curse when he sees it’s me…nothing. I knock again, but the result is the same.
Seriously? I spent how much time working up the nerve to come over here, and he’s not even here? Where could he possibly be? It’s after four, and it’s been hours since he left my apartment.