by Rye Hart
The night before, his writer’s block had been killing him, and I flipped back and forth between wanting to help and leaving him alone and just going to bed. When I finally went in to talk to him, I was glad I did. It was obvious he needed to talk through his fears with someone. He appeared on Thursday morning, emerging from his room with a wide, easy smile on his face. As I made breakfast, he stole a kiss when the kids weren’t looking. I giggled softly and finished cooking, bringing the plates and utensils to the table.
We all sat down together, ate breakfast, and talked happily about our plans. Tommy and Sarah both wanted to go on another adventure, but I wanted to stay close to the house today. If Sean needed another pep talk, I would be around to give it to him.
“What about the mall?” Sarah asked hopefully. “Do they even have a mall here?”
I laughed. “Not in town. But there’s one a couple towns over.”
“Is it far?” Sarah asked.
“No.” I shook my head. “But we probably won’t go today.”
“Why not?” Sarah asked, poking her bottom lip out in her signature pout.
“Because we went out yesterday,” I said simply. “Let’s stay around the house today. We can play in the backyard and build a fort upstairs.”
“Yeah!” Tommy said, his eyes lighting up with excitement.
“I want to go to the mall,” Sarah said, her eyes dark. She was glaring at me with her arms crossed over her chest. I’d seen her behave this way toward Sean, but never to me. I cleared my throat and set down my fork, ready for a fight.
“I said no,” I told her firmly. “We’ll go to the mall another day.”
“When?” Sarah asked.
“Probably before school starts,” I said. “So we can get you new clothes.”
“That’s weeks away!” Sarah whined and stomped her foot under the table.
I opened my mouth to chastise her, but Sean but his hand over mine to silence me. He looked at Sarah sharply and cleared his throat. When she looked at him, her eyes grew darker and more determined than ever.
“Emily told you no,” Sean said with authority. “If you can’t accept that answer, you’ll spend the rest of the day in your room.”
Sarah’s arms tightened over her chest, and she glared daggers at her father. When her eyes returned to my face, I could tell she wanted me to give in. She thought she had a better chance of getting me to cave than Sean, but she was wrong. I’d spent too much time around children to give in to their demands. Silently, I shook my head.
“This sucks!” Sarah screamed as loud as she could.
She jumped out of her chair and stormed into the living room. She marched all the way to the staircase and then stomped her way up to her room. We all heard her door slam loudly.
I sighed and pushed my chair out, ready to go talk her down. Sean caught my eyes and shook his head.
“She needs to learn,” he said. “Leave her be.”
I opened my mouth to argue, but I quickly snapped it closed again. Sean was Sarah’s father, and I had to do things his way. But as we sat at the table, we began to hear loud thuds coming from upstairs.
“She’s throwing things,” Tommy said wisely. He took a bite of his toast and shrugged. “She does that when she’s really mad.”
With a glance at Sean, I pushed out my chair and stood up. I was halfway to the stairs when I felt his hand on my arm.
“Emily, leave her be,” Sean said firmly. “She’ll calm down.”
“She’s five,” I said softly, so Tommy wouldn’t hear. “Are you sure you want to let her rage like that? I can talk to her.”
“Leave her be,” he said again.
His eyes were set, and I knew there was no use arguing. I didn’t agree, but I didn’t have to. If this was how he wanted to deal with Sarah’s outburst, then that was that. I sighed and nodded, my shoulders slumping slightly.
“I just think I can help her,” I said.
“I’m sure you can,” Sean said, nodding in agreement. “Just not right now.”
“Okay,” I finally conceded.
Sean smiled and glanced behind him to make sure Tommy wasn’t paying attention. He leaned down and kissed me swiftly before he disappeared into his study. I sighed and returned to the table. Tommy finished eating, and I washed the dishes quickly. Sarah was still locked away in her room, throwing things around and screaming occasionally.
It took everything inside me not to march up the stairs and let her have it, but I knew Sean didn’t want that. He’d made his wishes clear, and I wasn’t in the position to challenge him, despite the fact that I wanted to.
When I was done cleaning the kitchen, Tommy and I headed upstairs to build a fort. We started in his room and made it so big that it extended all through the hall and into my room. By then Sarah had quieted down so I knocked on her door. When she poked her head out, her eyes flew wide at the sight of the fort.
Excited, she ran out to join us. Her attitude was gone, and in its place, was the sweet little girl I’d grown to know. Still, I didn’t want her to think it was okay to throw fits. While she played with Tommy, I watched silently and thought of a way to help her see why her actions were unacceptable. Everything I thought of would have upset Sean, so I stayed quiet and vowed to talk to him about it later.
***
“Hey, you,” I said, opening the door to Sean’s study and stepping inside. He was sitting behind his desk, typing away at his computer. “I brought you some lunch.”
He held up his index finger to silence me. I shut my mouth quickly and frowned. I didn’t appreciate being silenced, but I tried to be understanding. He was working hard and didn’t want any interruptions. I placed the food on his desk and turned around to leave. As I reached the door, I glanced over my shoulder.
He was still focused on his computer, not bothering to look at me or the food. I waited for a few seconds, hoping he would take a break and at least look at me. He didn’t. Finally, I gave up and stepped into the hallway.
***
Sean didn’t eat dinner with us that night. Instead, I brought him yet another plate of food which he ignored. I tried to engage him in conversation, but he was having none of it Eventually, I was forced to give up and retreat.
As I stepped into the hallway, my anger was building. I went upstairs to give Sarah her bath and tuck her in. She was in a much better mood than this morning, but every once in a while, she shot me a bold look that told me she wasn’t over my refusal to take to her to mall. I didn’t like the way she was behaving, but there wasn’t anything I could do. Sean basically forbade me from disciplining her.
When Tommy and Sarah were both asleep, I went downstairs. I wasn’t going to interrupt Sean again, but I also wasn’t ready to sleep. I thought I would sit in the living room and read, but when I got there, Sean was already seated in my usual chair.
His face was downcast, and he looked to be on the verge of tears. I walked over to him quickly, kneeling in front of him and taking his hands in mine.
“What’s wrong?” I asked softly. He ignored me. “Sean, what’s the matter?”
“Nothing,” he said without looking at me. His voice was flat and devoid of all emotion.
“Stop shutting me out.” I sighed. “Please, just talk to me.”
“I said it’s nothing,” he said, anger crossing his face. “Leave it be, Emily.”
His words felt like a slap to the face. I frowned and dropped his hands, finally sick of the way he was treating me. I stood up and shook my head slowly, preparing myself for a fight.
“Look,” I said boldly, spinning around to face him. “That’s enough.”
“What?” Sean asked, his eyes narrowed.
“You’ve been treating me like shit, on and off, for days now,” I said. “And I’ve had it. All I’m doing is trying to help you. I take care of the kids because—”
“That’s your job,” Sean said.
“Excuse me?” I snapped.
“You take care of the kid
s because that’s your job,” Sean said again.
“You’re right,” I said, nodding my head. “It is my job and yet, this morning, you wouldn’t let me do it. You interfered when I tried to discipline Sarah, and now, she’s going to think it’s okay to lash out at me when I tell her no.”
“She’s my daughter and I—” Sean began but my anger was too much to control.
“I don’t take care of your kids just because I’m getting paid to,” I said, trying to keep my voice down so I wouldn’t wake Tommy and Sarah. “Somehow, after everything that’s happened between us, I thought we meant more to each other than that. I thought I was actually becoming a member of this family, but I guess I’m not. If I’m just the hired help, then fine. I’ll leave you alone. I’ll just worry about the job you’re paying me to do.”
With that, I turned to leave the room, but Sean jumped up to stop me. He grabbed my arm and spun me back around to face him.
“Where’s this coming from?” he demanded.
“You!” I said. “You push me away every chance you get. You’re totally fine having sex with me, but the second I try to actually get close to you, you shut down. God Sean, you’re sitting alone in the dark. You’re clearly upset and instead of talking to me about it, you get pissed, lie, and say it’s nothing.”
“I don’t have to talk about anything if I don’t want to,” he said darkly.
“You’re right,” I scoffed. “You don’t, but I thought our relationship was going somewhere. I thought you cared about me.”
“I do,” he said.
“Then why won’t you talk to me?” I asked. “Why lie to me when I ask what’s wrong? Why push me away every time I try to show you how much I care? Why pretend I don’t exist every time you get moody?”
Sean didn’t answer. His face fell, and he dropped his hand from my arm. I stood there silently, waiting for him to answer my questions, but he never did. He just stared at me as if he didn’t quite know what to say. I could feel tears pooling in my eyes, and I didn’t want to cry in front of him.
“Good night, Sean,” I said.
Without another word, I turned around. As I walked upstairs, I thought Sean might try to stop me, but he didn’t. He just stood in the middle of the living room and watched me disappear from sight.
When I reached my room, I closed the door softly behind me and fell onto my bed. I didn’t even bother getting undressed. All my energy was gone. After the day I had, my head was pounding and my stomach ached.
I laid on top of the covers that night, hugging my pillow and finally letting the tears fall from my eyes. As I finally drifted off to sleep, I wondered if Sean would fire me in the morning, or if somehow, he would finally let me in.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN - SEAN
Friday morning arrived with a fresh wave of guilt. When my eyes opened, I immediately felt the weight of what I’d done. My eyes fell closed again, and I groaned, sure that I’d ruined things with Emily for good.
I pulled myself out of bed and walked slowly into the kitchen. I wondered if she would quit because of my behavior. Deep down, I knew she loved Tommy and Sarah too much to ever quit, but I worried I’d hurt her so badly she wouldn’t be able to live here anymore.
I sighed as I sunk into my chair at the kitchen table. It was early, too early for anyone else to be awake yet. I thought about getting some writing done, but for the first time in a while, it didn’t feel important.
What mattered was Emily and finding a way to make things right between us again. I didn’t know how I would do that, but I knew I had to try. As I sat at the table, playing over our conversation in my head, I had an idea.
Grinning, I shoved myself to my feet and hurried into the kitchen. I still wasn’t a great cook, but I was getting better. With Emily’s help, my food had become edible, and I’d even begun learning how to make her famous french toast. As I gathered the ingredients, I knew the food wouldn’t be delicious, but I hoped the gesture would be enough to make things up to Emily.
I hurried through cooking, knowing the kids would be awake any minute. By the time I got the french toast made and the bacon frying, I heard thunderous footsteps coming my way. I craned my neck around to see Tommy and Sarah flying into the kitchen,
“Oh no!” Tommy said, groaning loudly. “Dad’s cooking!”
“It’s okay,” I said with a laugh. “I’m making Emily’s famous french toast. It’ll be good!”
“Ugh!” Tommy said, falling into his chair.
“Just try it, okay?” I asked.
Tommy nodded, but Sarah still looked hesitant. When I set her plate in front of her, she just poked at the toast with her fork. I cut a small bite for her and nudged it playfully toward her lips like I did when she was a toddler. She giggled and finally tried it.
“It’s good!” Sarah said with shock in her voice.
“It is?” Tommy asked. He eyed his plate and then took a tiny bite. His face lit up with excitement as he chewed. “It is! Dad, you can cook now!”
“Kind of,” I said. “Emily’s a great teacher.”
Just then Emily appeared at my side. She’d come downstairs while I was busy convincing the kids to eat my cooking. When I turned to see her face, she was smiling, but it didn’t reach her eyes. The blue-green of them was stained with red lines. I could tell she’d been crying, and the thought made my stomach tighten painfully. I never wanted to cause her pain, but somehow, I kept fucking up and hurting her.
“I made breakfast,” I said proudly. “Emily’s famous french toast.”
Emily nodded and smiled weakly. When our eyes met, she looked away quickly, and I knew she was still upset. I gestured for her to sit down, and I placed a plate in front of her, hurrying over to get her some coffee.
“Thank you,” she said.
Her voice was tight, but she took a sip of the coffee all the same. When she tried to french toast, I held my breath and waited. She chewed slowly, swallowing hard.
“So?” I asked. “I know they aren’t as good as yours but…”
“They’re great,” she said with a nod.
“Dad’s getting better!” Sarah said.
Emily smiled at her kindly but didn’t meet my gaze. I sat down at the table, disappointed but still determined to fix things. As we ate our breakfast, I made conversation about their plans for the day. Emily barely spoke, but Tommy and Sarah told me all about their day.
They were going to the bookstore this morning, and then they were getting pizza for lunch. Tommy was thrilled, but Sarah still insisted she wanted to go to the mall.
“We already had this discussion,” I reminded her firmly.
“Yeah, but it’s stupid,” Sarah said.
“That’s enough.” My eyes narrowed as she stared at me in that challenging way of hers. I glanced at Emily to see if she wanted to say something, but she wasn’t even looking at us. Her eyes were focused on the table.
“Well, have fun today,” I said after breakfast was over.
The kids gave me a hug and hurried upstairs to get dressed. I carried the plates to the kitchen and watched while Emily slowly lifted herself out of her chair. When I turned to face her, she was staring at the stairs, waiting for the kids to reappear. I could tell she was eager to be out of the house, and I knew that was my fault.
“Emily,” I said softly. “About last night.”
“I should get my shoes,” she said quickly.
Without looking at me, she hurried upstairs. When she came back down, Tommy and Sarah were right behind her. They both waved goodbye as Emily led the way toward the front door. I called out my goodbye, hoping Emily might turn around, but she didn’t. She just disappeared outside without so much as a glance in my direction.
I sighed and headed toward my study. The whole reason Emily was taking the kids out today was so I could write. That was why she did everything, to help me. I’d taken her for granted, and I hadn’t appreciated everything she’d done for us.
It wasn’t right or fair. Emily
, more than anyone, deserved my gratitude. She always went above and beyond what her actual job required, and for me to throw it back in her face last night was incredibly shitty. I didn’t deserve her.
As I sat behind my desk and pulled my computer to me, I sighed again and tried to concentrate. The best thing I could do for Emily now was finish my book. If I finished it, then I would finally have more time to devote to her, and maybe I could stop being such a moody asshole.
That morning flew by fast. My fingers moved across the keyboard without pause. I felt amazing as I pounded out the story I’d held inside me for so long. My fingers could barely keep up with my brain, and by the time lunchtime rolled around, my knuckles were sore and the story was almost finished.
I took a break, leaning back and stretching my arms over my head. After I grabbed a bite to eat from the kitchen, I sat back down and resumed my work. Even while I ate, my mind still spun with ideas. For the first time, I didn’t have trouble coming up with things to say. The words found me without any effort on my part. I kept writing into the afternoon. My entire body was involved as I rocked back and forth, typing faster than ever. When I reached the last sentence, I finally slowed. I typed each word carefully, making sure every single letter was perfect.
With a sigh, I typed the final period and then sat back. My mind was finally clear, and my heart was no longer racing. I felt like myself again, free from the stress and pressure I’d inflicted upon myself and everyone else around me. As I sat there, staring at the completed document on my screen, a smile spread slowly across my face.
“I did it,” I said quietly to myself, laughing and throwing my head back.
In that moment, there was only one person I wanted to tell. I grabbed my phone off the desk and dialed Emily’s number. She answered on the second ring.
“I did it!” I said before she could get a word out. “I finished it! The entire book. It’s done. I fucking did it!”
“Wow,” Emily said. “That’s amazing.” Her voice sounded like she felt anything but amazing.
I gushed over the phone for another few minutes before Emily had to go handle the kids. She said she would be home soon. I knew she was still mad at me and I needed to make things right.