When Brian pulled the rental car into the driveway of the bungalow-style home in a quiet residential neighborhood, I swallowed hard. Mark’s house was quaint and cute, with a nice yard in front. It was also a painful reminder of the part of his life into which he hadn’t allowed me.
The engine of the rental car quieted, and Brian turned towards me. “I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but if this is too much…”
I gave him a small smile, putting on my brave face. “Only one way to find out. Come on.”
Brian knocked on the door.
It wasn’t a surprise that Josh answered. But what was shocking was how out of sorts he looked.
“That bad?” Brian asked.
Josh let us in, obviously having expected the both of us. “Not great. He’s been in the whiskey.”
Brian heaved a sigh which cued me in that they’d been down this road before.
“And he’s been calling for Jules.” His gaze focused on me. “I’m assuming that’s you?”
I nodded.
“Then you should know he’s mixing up his past and present. Calling for you, then Sarah. Then he’s incoherent. Unfortunately, Dr. Mac is out of town until morning. If you’d rather wait to see him until after that, it might be easier.”
I took a deep breath. “I didn’t come all this way just to wait. Is he awake?”
“In and out. I keep hoping he’ll pass out and then sober up by morning.”
“Okay. Well, I’ll go in and see if I can help.”
Brian led the way to what I assumed was Mark’s bedroom. On the way there, walking down the hall and through the large living room, I realized I might be in over my head. Everywhere I turned, I saw pictures.
Photos of Sarah. Sarah and Mark. In a frame on the corner table, on the wall. Some appeared to be their engagement photos. Along with the photos were feminine touches, making it look as though she’d just stepped out to go to the store instead of having been dead eleven years. Even her shoes were by the front door. I suspected her coats still hung in the closet.
“You okay?” Brian followed my gaze.
I shouldn’t have been surprised by the contents of the house considering he hadn’t ever invited me over, but the realization hit me now.
I’d never stood a chance.
Unbeknownst to me, I’d been competing with a memory, one he clearly wasn’t ready to let go of.
“Yeah.” I swallowed past the lump in my throat, willing myself not to meet the gaze of either man. If I saw the sympathy reflected in their eyes, I’d lose it.
His bedroom was as cluttered as his office had once looked. The image put a smile on my face. My adorable, dirty-talking dream guy was a slob of absolutely epic proportions. My amusement was quickly erased, however, when I took in his form huddled on the far side of his king-sized bed.
I closed the door, giving us privacy before I slipped off my shoes and crawled over the empty side of the mattress towards him. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I breathed in his scent. Despite the odor of whiskey and stale clothes, he still smelled like my Mark. The scent evoked such nostalgia and longing that it nearly made me weep. I’d missed him badly.
“Hey, you,” I whispered.
“Jules…?” He shifted suddenly, almost squishing me with his weight when he flipped over.
“Yeah, I’m here.”
I was suddenly wrapped up in his embrace. “Am I dreaming?”
“No. I’m really here.”
He nuzzled my neck and then softly sighed against my skin. “I’ve missed you, Sarah.”
His somewhat slurred speech and Josh’s warning were the only things that kept me from freaking out. “I know.”
“I’m sorry.”
I rubbed my hand up and down his back, keeping my voice soothing. I sensed he needed to talk but didn’t have a clue who he was talking to: me or Sarah. “For what?”
“It wasn’t cold feet. You told me it was, but I was only trying to be rational when I said I wanted to postpone the wedding. Then I didn’t have a chance to make it up to you.”
My motions ceased as the implication of what he was saying sunk in. No wonder he had such guilt. He’d been trying to postpone the wedding right before she’d died.
His hot tears could be felt on my neck, and my heart broke for him. “You would’ve. We both know that.” I was here to comfort him even if it meant I was her voice for the moment.
“I loved you so much.”
“I know.” My own tears trickled down to join his.
“And I swore I’d never meet anyone else, but I did.”
I stopped breathing in that moment, waiting for him to say more.
“You two couldn’t be any more different.”
“I bet.” Those were the only words I could manage. I wasn’t prepared for him to continue.
“Jules is like a tornado, coming into my life when I least expected it.”
I wasn’t sure being compared to a natural disaster was a compliment, but I stayed quiet.
“It’s the first time I’ve been truly happy since you.”
It would be so easy about now to say something like: “then you should go and be happy.” My conscience wrestled with it, but in the end, I couldn’t offer the blessing he desperately sought from her. He needed to come to the conclusion on his own that he could move on in life. Instead, I held him as he bawled in my arms while saying, “I’m sorry” over and over again.
His soft snore finally came once he’d exhausted himself.
Extricating myself gently was no small feat as he had me completely tangled up in him. Once I was off the bed, I let out a breath before tiptoeing over to his side to cover him with a blanket.
My poor, tortured, beautiful man. At the heart of it, I didn’t know how to fix this for him. Didn’t know how to absolve him of this guilt which had been eating him up for years, let alone the newfound guilt about being with me.
Walking out into the living room, I found Brian and Josh talking in low tones on the sofa. Both looked up when they saw me.
“He’s asleep.”
Relief washed over both of them. “Dr. Mac will be here about nine o’clock tomorrow morning,” Josh provided.
I took a seat in the recliner, curling my feet underneath me. “What happened? How did you find him like this?”
Josh spoke up. “Whenever I talked with him over the last couple weeks he sounded off kilter. I didn’t put it together that his behavior dated from the time you left. Then four days ago he sent me a text saying he was sick. I was in New York, so it wasn’t until today that I swung by to check on him, finding him in the bottle.”
“What happened four days ago, Juliette? If you don’t mind telling us,” Brian asked.
I was careful with my response, not wanting to reveal the intimate details. “We sort of ended things. I never meant— I thought it was me who was the most torn up over it. As much as I think he wants to move on, he can’t. And I couldn’t—” I held up my arms, indicating all of the pictures of Sarah surrounding us. “I couldn’t wait around hoping he’d eventually get there. I needed to get home with Tristan and get him back into a routine close to my family.”
Brian held up a hand. “You don’t owe us an explanation of why you left, honey. There’s no one to blame in this situation.”
I dabbed at my eyes, not wanting to cry. “No, there’s not. That’s what makes it even harder. Mark is probably the best man I’ve ever met, but I don’t know how to help him. It goes beyond me.”
“It goes beyond all of us. All we can do is be supportive. He may not be ready to move on, but clearly your leaving triggered something, so obviously he has feelings,” Brian offered.
Unable to contain my interest, I uncurled my feet and stood up in order to walk over to a wall with a number of photographs of Sarah. She’d been beautiful. Blue eyes; classic, straight, shoulder-length blond hair; slim and tall, with high cheekbones and effortless class. She couldn’t be more the opposite of me. I ran my fi
ngertips over what appeared to be an engagement photo of the two of them together and smiled. He looked so young in the picture.
Although it would be easy to slip into insecurity through comparison, I found myself more curious than anything else. Maybe I’d conquered some of my demons, after all. “What was Sarah like?”
I glanced over my shoulder. Judging by their expressions, the question appeared to make both men feel awkward, so I mitigated. “Guys, he just thought I was her for the last twenty minutes. Give me something here.”
Brian cleared his voice. “Sarah was quiet and shy at first, but once you got to know her, she was more fun. She was always kind. They had a lot in common: law school, love of art, and tennis.”
I had to bite my cheek because I hadn’t known Mark loved art or ever played tennis. “How did she die?”
Josh sighed. “She was driving home from her parents’ place when she had a brain aneurism and went off the road. It took a few hours before they could locate the car in a ditch. By then, it was too late. She’d died.”
Brian came over to stand next to me, gazing at the photographs. “Mark was a mess. Blames himself for not being with her in the car.”
I noticed neither man mentioned cold feet. It occurred to me they might not be aware of that part of the situation. “When did he buy the house?”
“About six months before. They moved in together and planned to settle here in New Haven.”
“And, of course, he thought they had plenty of time.” I took a shuddered breath, thinking it tragic. “Thank you for telling me. I’m going to stay with him in case he wakes up again.”
“Are you sure?” Concern reflected in Brian’s expression.
I squeezed his hand with reassurance. “I love him. Whatever comfort I can give him, even if he thinks I’m her, I’m going to offer, at least until he can get help in the morning. If you like, I can call you once he wakes up.”
Brian shook his head. “I think Josh should head home, but I’ll stay in the guest room in case you need help.”
“I’m only five miles away if you need me.” Josh got up, probably anxious to get home to his wife and baby. “Juliette, you’ve been like family to Brian and Sasha for years, and with your stay up here, you and Tristan have become that for Haylee and me, too. I say this because I want you to understand how much you’ve come to mean to all of us. Your willingness to stay with him is admirable, but not even Mark would want you to do it at the expense of your well-being.”
“I appreciate your concern. We all know he may not be happy about me being here come morning, but I’ll see it through until then. Tomorrow afternoon, though, I need to leave in order to be home in time to put Tristan to bed.”
What I didn’t say was that I needed to put a time limit on this. I was here to help Mark, but I was also restricting how far I went in doing so. I didn’t want to lose myself in his problems. I couldn’t become consumed by them to the point I lost the progress I’d made in rebuilding my self-esteem. Nor would I allow Mark’s problems to take any more time away from my son.
“I’ll have my plane ready to take you home tomorrow afternoon. Call me, whatever time it is, if you need anything. Otherwise, I’ll see you in the morning.” Josh looked between us, and we both promised to do so.
After seeing Josh out and getting Brian settled in the guest room, I tiptoed back into Mark’s room. He was still fast asleep. Thankfully, I’d had my little hygiene kit at the office and had brought it along. I thought I’d take a quick shower, brush my teeth, and slip into bed.
About to open the door to his master bath, I prepared myself for what might be on the other side. What if Sarah’s things remained in there? Her toothbrush and toiletries sitting there after all these years? When I stepped inside, I let out a breath, grateful to find my fear unfounded. Only his things were visible.
After showering, I put on one of his clean T-shirts and slid into bed. In doing so, I noticed Sarah’s picture on the nightstand. Maybe it had been a mistake to come. I found myself wishing for the time to go by fast, so I could get back on a plane, away from the painful reality that Mark was far from moving on.
***
I awoke really hot and with a heavy weight on part of me. Mark’s legs were intertwined with mine. I tried to shift, but he only snuggled me closer, burying his face into my neck.
“I missed you, Jules,” he said on a sigh.
At least he knew who I was this morning. “I missed you, too.”
The next time I woke, I saw light peeking in through the partly shut blinds. The clock revealed it was already pushing nine o’clock. After extricating myself from Mark’s warm body, I quickly made myself presentable, dressing quietly.
I left some Advil I’d found in the bathroom on the nightstand before walking out to the kitchen in search of a glass of water. I also put on a pot of coffee, knowing he would need it.
Brian walked into the kitchen from the hall. “How is he?”
“Still asleep, but I’m sure will wake up with quite a headache.”
“I bet. You okay?”
“Yeah. At least he called me by my name this morning.”
“Dr. Mac and Josh should be here soon. How about, while they get Mark up and talking, I take you for breakfast?”
“Deal. Let me set this on his nightstand and check on him one last time.”
Tiptoeing back into the master bedroom, I put the water next to the Advil and took a moment to appreciate Mark sleeping. Despite looking like hell and most likely about to wake up with an epic hangover, he was still so very handsome.
Hearing conversation coming from the living room, I gave him one final glance and stepped out. I wondered how Mark would feel about waking up to see his friends had brought in his therapist. Given his history, however, this was probably the best thing for him.
“Ah, Juliette, it’s nice to see you,” Dr. Mac said by way of hello.
“Nice to see you again, too.” The way he was studying me was a bit unnerving. He was probably putting two and two together and figuring out that Mark was the man I’d been talking about during my sessions.
“Do you want to have a chat about last night and what happened with Mark before we wake him up?”
My eyes darted between all three men. “Actually, no.”
Everyone appeared taken aback by my answer, but I had a good reason. “I’d rather talk about things in front of him. He’d feel some disloyalty from me if I gave his longtime therapist my version of what happened. Just know that I love him, and I’m willing to speak with you later if he won’t and if you think talking to me will help him.”
Dr. Mac’s expression softened. “I understand and respect your choice.”
I was thankful when Brian came to the rescue. “We’re going to breakfast. Why don’t you keep us up to date once he’s awake?”
Josh nodded and squeezed my hand. “Thanks for staying.”
***
Once we were seated at a diner a few miles away, I checked in with my mom to be sure Tristan was doing okay this morning. I was already anxious to return to him, feeling guilty that I’d spent the night away from him and was putting Mark first right now.
“Tristan good?” Brian asked from across the booth.
“Yep. He’s fine.” I put my phone away and put my elbows on the table. “Do you think I should’ve spoken with Dr. Mac about Mark?”
“No. I think what you did was respectful. Makes his job harder if Mark doesn’t want to talk about his problems, but Dr. Mac’s a smart man, and Josh already filled him in on the minimum.”
I ordered an omelet and sipped the coffee the waitress brought. “Distract me with wedding plans. I mean, is it just me, or does it feel like it’s taken forever to get here?”
He chuckled. “It has taken forever. But what can you do when your wife-to-be wants a winter wedding on the beach in North Carolina? February can’t get here fast enough.”
The ceremony would be intimate with only close friends and family invited. Af
terwards, there would be a larger reception indoors at a local country club. Since Sasha had grown up in a small town where her father had been the sheriff for many years, there’d be plenty of people attending the latter. Given Sasha’s anxiety, I knew Brian was worried she’d push herself into a panic.
“Why is she putting herself through having a big reception when crowds of people aren’t her thing?”
“I know, right? But she wants to prove she can.”
It didn’t surprise me. Sasha was stubborn. But I also knew my friend would accomplish anything she set her mind to. The ceremony was for her, but the reception she’d put on for her family.
Over the next hour, Brian and I chatted about his upcoming nuptials. We also discussed possible leads for houses for sale once I was ready to buy again. When Brian’s phone buzzed, I waited expectantly. The tic of his jaw told me that whatever he’d read had irritated him. Could I read my boss or what?
“Everything okay with the text?”
“Yeah,” he lied.
My raised brow was all he needed to relent.
“I hate it when you do that.”
“What? Look at you like a liar, liar, pants on fire?”
His lips twitched, fighting a smile. “Josh says it may be best if we don’t come back. Things aren’t going terrific back at the house.”
“Me or we?”
He blushed slightly. “Juliette, Mark’s embarrassed. And pissed at Josh and me for involving you and bringing you up here.”
“So, I should turn around and go home? That’s it?” Part of me wanted to. At the heart of Mark’s reaction was simple rejection. And it hurt. “Too bad. I’m not doing that.”
Brian expelled a breath and grabbed the check before I could, only pissing me off further.
I threw down a twenty, but per usual, he shoved it back at me, refusing to let me pay.
“Will you drive me back to his house, or do I need to call a taxi?” I wanted to know.
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