Jeremy enters the room. His face is impassive. ‘Should I pour, Sir?’ he asks.
‘I’m good, thanks.’
‘Should I perhaps call for a doctor?’ he asks as if he is asking me if he should bring in the tea.
‘That’s a damn good idea, Jeremy.’ I down the rest of the drink and walk away without looking back.
I get into my car and I fucking stamp on the accelerator. The car flies until I hear the sound of sirens. I look in the rear view mirror and see the blue flashing light. Fuck them. With the horsepower under me I could have outrun them, but I don’t.
Sometimes the future is written in the stars. I pick up my mobile and call my lawyer.
Cash
-That’s me in a cockfight, losing to a fucking pigeon-
It is not my lawyer who gets to me first. It is Octavia. She prowls the small utilitarian room at the police station restlessly.
‘Forget it, Octavia. You’re wasting your time. It’s all over for me, anyway. I’m not coming back.’
‘Why is it over? What has any of this got to do with the band?’ Octavia looks about as malevolent as a scorpion crawling into a baby’s crib.
I look her in the eye. ‘There’s no fucking way I could be in the same room as Gavin after what he did.’
‘She was a slut. She came on to him.’ Her voice is full of anger.
I stare at her in disbelief. ‘What the hell are you talking about? You actually believe my sister came on to that brainless waste of skin?’
For the first time since I’ve known her she looks at me with confusion. ‘Your sister?’
The realization is instant. Bile rises up in my throat. My eyes narrow on her. ‘You were referring to Tori, weren’t you?’
She recovers fast. ‘Well, that’s neither here nor there now.’
Frustration bubbles up inside me. ‘What did he do to her?’ I ask with deceptive softness.
She hesitates, then shrugs carelessly. She doesn’t care that she’s tearing open my chest and ripping my heart out. ‘I found her on Gavin’s lap. She was kissing him.’
My breath comes out in a rasp. I’ve never wanted to hit a woman before, but I would love to swing my fist into her pitiless, plastic face.
‘She was no good. Look how much damage she has caused. Don’t let her ruin everything. Please, Cash.’
‘Get the fuck out,’ I say through clenched teeth. My stomach burns. Be still heart. Be still.
‘Fuck this. I’m not having this. I worked around the clock, called in a lot of favors, made threats, and generally fucking sold my soul to keep your shitty story out of the media.’
‘Looks like you wasted your time. I’m out.’
She looks at me incredulously. ‘Are you really that stupid? Do you really want to throw your career away over a lying psychopath? You don’t even know who she is. We’ve been through a lot and we’ll overcome this if we stick together.’
I look at her impassively. ‘Fuck you, Octavia. I don’t care if they burn me in the headlines. I don’t care if the record company drops me and no one else picks me up. I’m through playing this game.’
She shakes her head in disgust. ‘You know what your problem is? You’ve started to believe your own hype. You’re nothing but a spoilt, talentless, fuckboy. The lead singer of a boy band singing jingles for teenagers and you’re nothing without me guiding your career,’ she screeches furiously.
I clap my hands. ‘Bravo. Finally, the moment of truth. A little bit of what Octavia truly thinks. I actually prefer this to all the sickening lies. The band can continue without me. Find a replacement for me. Shouldn’t be too hard considering how talentless I am.’
‘You’ll be sorry, but it will be too late. If I walk out of this door, I swear, there will be no way back for you.’
‘Bye.’
She clenches her hands into tight fists and grunts with anger. ‘I made you and I can break you.’
‘Have fun doing it.’
She turns on her heels and walks to the door. She puts her hand on the handle and turns around and smiles. ‘I know you are upset now. It doesn’t matter. I’ve taken care of everything. Of course, I’m not going to break you. I care about you. You’re like the son I never had.’
I wince. Even the idea of her as a mother figure makes me want to puke.
‘You need me,’ she adds fiercely.
I shake my head slowly.
‘Yes, you do. You’re just too immature to realize it. You’ll see soon enough how your career nosedives without me.’
I shrug. ‘You should go. You’re wasting your time.’
She opens the door and goes out. I hear her heels clicking sharply down the corridor.
How on earth did she ever manage to convince me that she was acting for my greater good?
Many years ago while I was in America I went into a diner for a meal and the guy flipping the burgers in the kitchen recognized me. Then I was not a celebrity, but I was a rising star. He came out and told me he was once a one hit wonder. His record sold in the millions. I never forgot what he said.
‘This industry is full of leeches. They glue their mouths to your skin and suck you dry. When there is nothing left to drain they drop off and look for the next unsuspecting victim.’
Tori
That night I can’t sleep at all. I lie in bed with the curtains open, looking at a starless sky. The whole time my mind is replaying the scene with Octavia reading my diary out and my body is listening for the phone or the sound of a car pulling up on the road outside. He will forgive me. He will call. He has to. The mere thought of being without him gives me heart palpitations.
By six in the morning I finally drop off to sleep, exhausted and defeated. The sound of a car coming up our driveway wakes me up at nine o’clock. I run to the window and look down. For a second my heart stops. It’s Victor. Then I see him get out of the car, open his boot, and take out a large cardboard box.
I have to cover my mouth to stop the sobs from escaping. I watch him walk up the path and come up to the house. I hear the doorbell ring and I hear my aunt answer it, but I don’t come down from the bedroom. I just stand at the window and watch Victor go back to his car and drive away.
After a few minutes my aunt comes up and knocks on the door.
I go and sit on the bed and say, ‘Come in.’
She comes in with the box. ‘Your things. It was nice of them, wasn’t it?’ she says, putting the box on the nearby desk.
My throat feels hot and constricted. I nod wordlessly.
‘Do you want to come down for some breakfast?’
‘In a while,’ I say softly.
‘Okay, I’ll see you downstairs then,’ she says.
‘Okay,’ I say, relieved that my aunt doesn’t want to talk ‘about it’.
She closes the door and goes out. I stand and walk to the box. I pull the duct tape off and open it. The first thing I see is my mobile phone. I switch it on and check it for messages. Nothing. I look at calls received and … nothing. There is a letter. I recognize the writing on the envelope as Cora’s.
Dear Tori,
I’m so sorry, duckie, that it happened the way it did. You didn’t deserve that. I still believe in you. There must be a way to work this out. If there’s any way I can help you just let me know and I’ll do everything in my power to do so.
With love and hugs,
Cora
I feel tears blur my vision. I put down the letter and go through the box. The leopard print dress is in there and so are the Medusa tri-strap shoes. At the bottom of the box I find another envelope with Mr. Hunter’s writing on it. Inside there is a check made out to me, the sum equivalent to two months’ wages. He has stuck a Post-it Note on it with the words Thank You. I think of Britney’s face when Octavia was reading my diary out and I have to close my eyes and breathe slowly and deeply or the blinding regret I feel will make me scream uncontrollably.
If only I had not taken that damn diary with me or if only I had nev
er written those things. If only I had told Cash earlier. I had the perfect opportunity while we were upstairs, but instead I had sex with him. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Then I suddenly realize that my diary is not in the box.
I wonder who has it and why they have not returned it. I hope Britney has it, because if she reads it all she will realize that I only felt she was shallow and selfish before we got close that night at the pool party. By the time we went to Milan together she was the sister I never had.
I get dressed, braid my hair — concentrating on the mundane is the best distraction from grief — and go downstairs where I talk to my aunt and pretend that I am not dying inside. My mom calls and I repeat the lie that I am fine with faux cheerfulness.
‘Are you sure?’ she asks.
‘Yeah, I’m sure. It was all a stupid misunderstanding.’
‘But your aunt said—’
‘Anyway, it’s all for the best,’ I interrupt, shutting her down with brutal efficiency.
‘I love you, Tori,’ she says after a pained pause.
‘I love you too, Mom,’ I say, and my voice almost breaks, but I manage to control it enough to say goodbye.
It is even harder to do when my dad comes on the phone and asks if I want him to send me a ticket home. Then I just want to crawl into his lap and bawl my eyes out the way I used to when I was a little girl and anything went wrong in my life.
However, when Leah calls, the dam bursts. I don’t try to hide my pain. I tell her everything. Every hateful detail of my imploded world. ‘My heart is broken, Leah,’ I sob. I never thought it would hurt this much. Then I cry my eyes out.
Cash
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ny4izkgnX_k
(To Be By Your Side)
The door opens and a man in a police uniform comes in. ‘You’re free to go now, Mr. Hunter.’
I stand and start walking towards the door.
‘Er … Do you mind signing this CD for my niece?’
I turn to look at him.
‘I … er … ran out to get it during my lunch break. It’s her birthday next month, you see.’ He holds the CD and a marker pen out to me.
‘What’s her name?’ I ask.
‘Athena Williams, but just Athena will be great.’
I take the CD, sign it, and give it back.
He smiles. ‘All right, Sir. Thanks for this. You take care now.’
‘No problem,’ I say, and walk out of the door.
Outside it is gray. There is not a single reporter or TV crew waiting. I have to hand it to Octavia. She knows her job.
I stand on the deserted stone steps and suddenly I remember that night Tori dressed me up in the mustache, beard, and fake nose. It feels like a lifetime ago. I was happy then. But all of it was a lie. Fuck her. I don’t need her.
A woman is coming up the steps, our eyes meet. She recognizes me. As she opens her mouth I let my eyes slide away and, keeping my head down, start down the steps. I’ve got no wheels. The fuckers impounded my car, but whatever. On the pavement I walk briskly down the road.
When I see a taxi I hail it. I sit at the back of the cab and don’t allow myself to think. As the taxi turns into my street I shake my head. Fuck! Both sides of the streets are full of camera crews from all the large TV networks. So she called them.
‘The fucking bitch,’ I swear under my breath.
The driver meets my eyes in the rearview mirror. ‘I can turn around and take you somewhere else.’
I shake my head. ‘Just drop me off right outside that black door.’
‘Right you are,’ he says crisply. ‘My youngest daughter loves you by the way. Can I have an autograph?’
I sign a fifty pound note and slip it through the gap in the partition.
‘Thanks, mate,’ he says.
He stops outside my door.
Pandemonium breaks around me as I run up the steps. Microphones being thrust into my face, flashbulbs going from every direction, people screaming, ‘Here, Cash. Look here, Cash? Is it true you were caught having a blow job at the back of your car? Who was the girl, Cash? Turn this way, Cash? Will the police be charging you with reckless driving? How high over the limit were you? Are you going to lose your license, Cash? Give us a smile, Cash. Any comments?’
I slip my key into the keyhole and turn it. The door opens. I walk in and shut the ugly world outside. The phone is ringing steadily. God, what a bitch! She leaked the story that someone was giving me a blowjob when I was stopped.
An excellent example of a 24 karat bitch style revenge.
Well done, Octavia.
Tori
I catch the six o’clock news and I am shocked by how horrendously pained my heart is by the knowledge that a woman’s lips other than mine have been wrapped around Cash’s shaft. In my mind I must have already claimed it as my own. Then the agony of knowing how quickly he has replaced me.
I go down to the bottom of the garden and sit under the apple tree. The air is muggy and lazy with the buzzing of bumble bees. I pull my knees up to my chest and cry my eyes out. My heart feels like it has shattered into millions of pieces.
In my mind I cannot stop scolding myself. If only I had sat him down earlier. If only I had told him. I’d give anything to turn the clock back. Why did I waste that opportunity in my room having sex? I should have told him then. If only. Oh God. Why? Why didn’t I do it? Stupid. How stupid I have been!
I hear the sound of rustling. I look up and my aunt is standing in front of me. She sits beside me, arranges her skirt around her ankles, and turns to look at me.
‘I’m sorry, Tori,’ she sighs softly.
Fresh tears start pouring down my cheeks. I wipe them away with the backs of my hands.
‘Tell me what happened?’ she asks, her face concerned.
I know I have to tell her. This is going to take much longer than I imagined to get over. I can’t walk around like death warmed over and expect everyone to pretend that all is well. Haltingly I tell her everything.
‘I did write those words. It was my diary and it was where I recorded all my frustrations and thoughts, but she took it out of context and made it sound so bad, Aunt Claire. She made me out to be such a conniving bitch. As if I had set out to trap him. I swear it was never my intention. I just wanted to finish my crush one way or another.’
I sniff and blow my nose.
‘I thought, I actually thought that I would meet him and in the worst case scenario we’d have sex and he would start ignoring me, and I’d have to draw a line in the sand and move on, or best case scenario I would see him up close and realize that he was a media created, shallow creature and naturally fall out of love. And be free. I didn’t mean to hurt anybody. In my plan the only person who might have got hurt would have been me.’
‘Oh, Tori,’ my aunt exhales.
‘And you know what the worst thing is? I hurt Britney. She’s the sweetest, most generous soul ever. It was her birthday party and she had so looked forward to it.’
‘Why don’t you call him?’ my aunt suggests gently.
‘I can’t. He’s totally disgusted with me. You should have seen his face, Aunt Claire.’
‘I still think you should explain. The man I met wouldn’t push you away.’
‘He knows where I am, but he doesn’t want anything to do with me, and I can’t say I blame him. I should have told him.’ I pause. ‘Anyway, he’s moved on. It’s not like he’s lacking in female company.’
‘I find that hard to believe.’
A bark of bitter laughter passes my lips. ‘They mentioned him on the six o’clock news. He was caught driving under the influence and … and … he was getting a blowjob in his car.’
My aunt frowns. ‘Oh dear. Still, you can’t believe everything you see on the media. A lot of this stuff is just … fluff and scandal to sell more newspapers and boost viewing figures.’
‘I don’t know what to do. I can’t believe I have messed up this bad. It’s so painful I can’t bear it. I can’t st
op thinking about him. At night I lay awake for hours, tossing and turning, and when I finally fall asleep I dream of him. Everything reminds me of him.’
‘I know you are hurting now, but you are young and you will get over him.’
I shake my head. ‘No, I won’t. I’ve loved him for as long as I can remember, Aunt Claire. Nothing I’ve ever done has changed that. I’ve tried having other boyfriends, I tried cold turkey and I’ve tried this latest fiasco, and in the end I just fall deeper in love with him,’ I sob.
‘Oh, darling. What you need to do is leave England, at least for a while. Activity and change. That’s what is going to knock him out of your mind. Why don’t you take that trip you planned to Europe, hmmm? Isn’t Leah just waiting for you to say the word?’
‘Yes, but the idea of backpacking through Europe has completely lost its appeal. I can’t even bring myself to think of going to the corner shop let alone all around Europe. I’ll just be miserable there instead of here.’
‘No, you won’t. When you’re on the move and seeing new things every day you won’t have much opportunity to mope around feeling sorry for yourself. Trust me. It’s the best thing for you.’
I lean my cheek on my knees and look at my aunt. ‘What if I go and I’m still miserable and I just end up spoiling poor Leah’s holiday?’
‘Honey, you have more chances of winning the lottery than spoiling Leah’s holiday. If I’m reading Leah right, she’ll drag you right over this slump and bring you out on the side of the living.’
I smile weakly.
‘So it’s decided then. You’ll both go on your holiday. She’s coming over tomorrow so we might as well do a bit of shopping today to get you everything you need for your holiday.’
My jaw drops. ‘Leah is arriving tomorrow?’
My aunt nods. ‘Be grateful for everything you have, Tori. Because you have a lot. Far more than most people. You have a big family who love you to death and you have Leah who’ll do anything for you.’
‘She didn’t say she was coming and I thought she wanted to save a bit more money for at least the next two months.’
Dear Neighbor Page 38