by Lee Kilraine
“You are?” HL looked unconvinced.
“Not to brag, but absolutely. You’ve got to play to your strengths.” She checked her phone for the outside temperature. “I don’t remember it being this cold in the winter when I used to live here.”
Heather peered up at her. “You used to live here?”
“I sure did. I actually knew your dad in high school.” She decided not to mention she’d dated their dad for almost all of eleventh grade. She’d leave it up to Hawk to mention—or not.
“Did you know our mom?” Heather asked. “She and Dad met when she moved here in the middle of their senior year of high school.”
“No. I moved to California at the end of our junior year. Your mom must have been special for your dad to fall in love with her.”
“She died when I was three. HL was only a baby.”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. That totally sucks.”
“Daddy says we shouldn’t say ‘sucks.’” HL’s gaze darted over to his sister and back.
“Your dad is absolutely right.” Nora was on the verge of tears thinking about the two kids without a mother. About Hawk losing the woman he loved. About a mother not getting to see her children grow up. “Except sometimes it’s true. And losing someone you love sucks.”
HL’s eyes went big and he giggled, then slapped a hand over his mouth.
Heather’s deep brown eyes were serious, her forehead creased in a frown. “It does. It sucks not having our mom.”
Their eyes met and the pain Nora saw there tugged at her. She bit her lip, wondering if she should just stay the heck out of the situation, but Nora had never been one to stay observing from the sidelines. She usually jumped right into the deep-end of things.
“I grew up without a dad. Totally different situation from yours. My dad didn’t die. He just never wanted to be a dad so he left before I was born. And I know your dad and Aunt Georgie and probably lots of people who love you are there for you, but I used to worry about being strong for my mom.”
Heather blinked at her before staring down at her hands clenching her book.
“I held everything inside because I didn’t want to add to her burden. But they’d feel worse knowing you tried to deal with all the emotions all alone.” Her mom hadn’t, but normal parents would. “They want to hear it. They really do. Now, who’s ready to put up some lights?”
“Me!”
Nora and HL bundled up and spent the next two hours stringing lights along all the edges they could reach. Which, with the ladder and her six feet, was pretty much everything. They framed all the windows, wound them around the porch posts and along the railing, around the front door, and the garage, and even straight across the roofline by attaching them to the gutters.
They took a break for lunch when sadly, Nora burned both the soup and the grilled cheese sandwiches in a very un-mom like way.
HL just smiled and ate everything anyway. Heather nibbled the non-burnt parts and looked like she was taking notes on all Nora’s Rent-A-Mom failures. Hell, Nora knew when she’d accepted the job she wasn’t mom material, but she’d been desperate to get away from all the failure in her life.
The failure of her body when it didn’t bounce back from injury the way she needed. Which opened up the possible failure of her career and her dream of winning the gold medal in the Olympics. The failure of her faithless boyfriend. The failure of her closest friend. The failure of her mother to have her back.
Whoa, stop, Nora. Step out of your Nora box and look around. Because she’d agreed to be a temporary mom to the children in front of her. She might not know how to be a good mother, but she had common sense. Besides, she’d only be here through Christmas, so it wasn’t like she would scar Hawk’s kids for life, right? They were great kids though, and she really wanted to do better than “not scar them,” dammit. She could definitely aim higher than that; she’d just have to do more research each night after the kids went to bed.
Nora and HL braved the cold again for round two. They might have gotten a little carried away, but they were having fun. They told jokes, and stories, and sang songs until every working light strand was on the house or woven into a bush or wrapped around a tree. After putting the ladder back in the garage, Nora and HL stood in the middle of the yard admiring the bright twinkling lights as dusk settled in.
“It looks awesome, Nora!”
It was freezing out and her fingers and toes had gone numb an hour ago, but she stood next to HL looking at their work, and warmth bloomed in her chest. “It looks like Christmas.”
“But all we got is lights.” HL looked over at Brian’s house and his face fell. “We’re not going to win the competition with just lights.”
Looking at the huge display across the street, Nora had to agree. Her competitive spirit flared, and possibly the look in HL’s big brown eyes got to her too. “Pfft. Hey, we can buy an inflatable decoration off the internet. We’re not giving in yet, HL. We’re not quitters.”
“Yes!” His face went from dejected to triumphant in a heartbeat. “Can we get a Santa? Or maybe Rudolph? No, I know…Frosty. Oh! Maybe baby Jesus.”
“Wow. Well, I’m sure we’ll find something online.” Nora had one credit card left that wasn’t maxed out. The only one her mother hadn’t had access to. The smile she’d just seen on HL’s face would be worth every penny. “Come on, let’s go warm up with some hot chocolate while I find something to burn for dinner first.”
HL thought that was hilarious. Too bad it wasn’t a joke. Thankfully, she was saved by a frozen pizza. Almost. She let herself get distracted talking about decorations with HL and left the pizza in too long.
Heather’s raised eyebrows at the burned crusts made her feel inept. Dang it. She added “research YouTube cooking videos” to her list of things to do.
After dinner she and HL sat on the floor pouring over Christmas lawn decorations on her computer while Heather read on the couch behind them.
They found everything HL had mentioned, and way more. A lit up R2-D2 wearing a Santa hat? They had to get that. And when they couldn’t pick between Frosty and Rudolph, they got both. The simple nativity scene stopped them in their browsing tracks, and they looked at each other coming to instant agreement and clicked it into their shopping cart.
“Oh, wow, look at the time. Bedtime, HL. Let’s go. I’ll finish buying these after you’re in bed.”
Hawk called to tell his kids good night just as Nora was heading HL through his bedtime routine. Man, the guy was a devoted dad, that was for sure.
Heather chose to see herself to bed, but HL took her up on her offer to read a bedtime story. A novelty for Nora as her mother had never read to her.
“Okay, HL, you got two stories out of me. That’s it. You’re a charmer, just like your daddy.”
“What’s a charmer?”
“Oh, well… Someone who is so adorable they can talk people into getting their way.”
HL smiled. “You think my daddy’s charming?”
He sure was in high school. “I think you’re charming. Night, HL.”
After Nora cleaned up the kitchen, she turned off the Christmas lights, double-checked the locks on all the doors, and went back to the couch to finish up the shopping while ESPN played in the background. She may have gotten a bit carried away and added a few more decorations, but this wasn’t just for HL. This was for her too. Didn’t she deserve some Christmas magic just this once? She even sprang for overnight shipping so they’d have it tomorrow. The poor Ralph family wouldn’t even see the Savages coming.
* * * *
It was close to midnight when Hawk let himself into his quiet house. He didn’t like the days when he didn’t see his kids. For seven years it had been the three of them, a tightknit unit. There was pressure being the sole parent, pressure he accepted, but there were times when it was a lonely road. Usually t
imes like this, late at night when the kids were sleeping and he felt so alone.
The sound of the TV from the family room reminded him he wasn’t alone, not tonight. He detoured from his path to the kitchen. And oh what a sight. Nora lay fast asleep, her long, long jean-clad legs taking up most of the couch and her golden California tan glowing under the side table lamp. She looked vibrant even in sleep.
He’d slept on the couch enough times to know it wasn’t the most comfortable place to spend the night. He clicked off the TV and nudged her lightly.
“The ball was out!” Her arm went flying and slammed against his thigh, which had her sitting straight up, eyes blinking in confusion. “Who won?”
“You fell asleep on the couch. I guess you eat and sleep volleyball, huh?” Hawk understood that. He may not be a professional athlete, but he’d had all-consuming work that invaded his dreams. “When I was in the army, I used to dream about my work all the time.”
“You were in the army? I had no idea. Dang, I lost touch with everyone when I moved.” She swung her feet down to the floor and stretched her arms and shoulders before standing up, leaving them only a few feet apart.
She still looked so much like the girl he’d fallen for back in high school, only different. Junior year, she’d been all height and lean muscle, emphasis on the lean. But it had been her personality that had attracted him. She’d had a confidence to her which he admired, especially because as the tallest girl in their grade, he’d watched her handle a lot of ribbing from other kids over the year they’d dated.
“You sure did.” After she moved, he’d waited for months to hear from her in a young love/nothing can separate us way. A phone call, an e-mail, a text, a letter. Hell, he’d been so head-over-heels he’d have accepted smoke signals or a carrier pigeon. He got silence. Her cell phone had been disconnected and there was no forwarding address or phone number to reach her.
Her lips turned down before shaking her head once. She started to speak but stopped, pausing at the edge of the awkward silence between them, as deep and uncharted as an underwater canyon, making navigating through it dangerous.
Hawk didn’t know where to start either, but he jumped in anyway. “How about I break the ice by apologizing right up front?”
Chapter Five
Christmases When You Were Mine
“Apologize for what?” Nora looked at him with surprise, lowering herself back on to the couch and pulling a pillow in front of herself like a shield. “I honestly can’t think of a thing you owe me an apology for.”
“I was thinking about the totally awkward first time.” He took a seat in the leather chair angled next to her, unable to hold back a wry grin. “I mean, sure it was the first time for both of us, but I had no idea what I was doing. As first times go, I blew it.”
“Were we in the same bed? Because that is one of the sweetest memories I have.”
“Sweet? That’s half the problem right there. I was aiming for toe-curling—not sweet. Shows you how clueless and inept I was at seventeen.”
“Jackson Savage, stop it right now. So neither one of us knew what we were doing. And it didn’t blow either of our socks off.”
“Something blew for me.” No one had called him Jackson since high school. Even his mom had started calling him Hawk. It felt sort of nice. Like she had a singular connection that no one else in his life could lay claim to. Not even Holly, which was weird.
Nora laughed. “Well, you were a seventeen-year-old guy. The wind could change directions back then and you’d ‘blow.’”
“Valid point.” Now it was Hawk’s turn to laugh. He and Nora had dated all of junior year. She’d been on the varsity volleyball and basketball teams. He’d played varsity football and lacrosse. What little free time they had outside of school and athletics, they spent together. They’d devoted a lot of time to steaming up the windows of his hand-me-down pick-up truck. But it wasn’t until the last night of junior year that they’d gone further.
“You made it pretty special. Took me out to dinner at the Italian place over in Pikesville. Sprang for the pretty swanky room at the Holiday Inn. You even put a rose on the bed. It was very romantic for this nervous awkward girl. Honestly, Hawk, it was more about the thought you put into the night than the actual sex.”
“Just what every guy wants to hear. If I had a do-over—”
“Nope. I wouldn’t let you. Sorry, but it was everything I could have asked for, even without an orgasm.”
Hawk groaned. “See? That’s what I’m saying.”
“I’m sure we’d have gotten around to those, if there had been a next time.”
His gaze locked on to hers because that right there was the elephant in the room. There hadn’t been a next time. Because Hawk never heard from Nora the next day. Or the day after that. And within three days, the rumor was Nora had left Climax. No explanation. No good-bye. No call. Nothing. It had been a confusing and traumatic time for Hawk. What had been precious first love had turned overnight into a wound too tender to examine.
The next six months of his life had been painful. He felt rejected, confused, and his confidence all but disappeared. Quinn and Gage, his best friends at the time, tried to cajole him out of it, with no results. But then he’d had a growth spurt and suddenly there were a lot of girls willing to help him mend his broken heart. He let them. And he was well on his way to being some one-night-stand asshole of a guy, when Holly moved to town and changed everything.
Having fallen deeply in love, he would have thought his past with Nora could stay exactly that. But that seventeen-year-old with the bruised ego still wanted to know.
“I have to tell you I never knew exactly what it was I did, but I’m sorry, for whatever it was. I knew I’d made a mess of it when you didn’t answer my calls the next day. Or the day after that.”
Nora’s eyes glimmered in the soft light of the room, pain washing over her face.
“And I’ll be honest, when Quinn told me you’d left town and weren’t planning on coming back—I was sure he was wrong. I drove by your house every day for weeks. Even after the ‘for sale’ sign went up, and the moving trucks came.”
“I… Oh, boy, if I could change what happened I would. I’m so sorry.” A single tear tracked down Nora’s cheek. She sucked in a breath and brushed it away. “Not that this will change anything, but it was pretty painful at my end too.”
He leaned back and waited, suddenly second-guessing his need for an explanation after all these years. No matter what, he knew what he’d had with Holly was amazing. They’d fallen deeply in love and there was no regret there. So, without Nora leaving, maybe he wouldn’t have found Holly. Not to mention, if he hadn’t found Holly, he wouldn’t have Heather and HL. And there was no life he wanted or imagined without his kids in it.
In a sense it all had to play out the way it did. But he found he still needed to know what had happened. They’d been too close. Too much a part of each other’s lives. Too much in love…to just have it all disappear.
“Not that it matters now, but I’d like to know what happened. Did I do something wr—”
“No! Oh, God, no, Hawk.” She shook her head, her eyes full of regret. “My mother found out that we’d spent the night together. That we’d slept together. And she freaked out. She said there was no way she was going to let me ruin my chances at a volleyball scholarship by getting knocked up by some small-town jock. She put me on a plane to my aunt’s house in San Diego the next day, put the house on the market, and you know the rest.”
“She never did like me, your mother.”
“She didn’t like anyone that might ruin her dream for me.”
“What I don’t get is why you didn’t call me or write. Something. Not to be overly dramatic but going from the high of making love one day to never hearing from you again, I’ll be honest—it hurt.”
“My mother said if
I contacted you, she’d claim you forced me and your future would be shot.” Nora’s somber gaze connected with his before cutting away.
What the fuck? He’d known Nora’s mom hadn’t liked him back then, but damn, that was fucked up.
“So, at first I went along with it. But six months later, when I finally got up the courage to get a hold of you, I called Gage’s girlfriend first. She said you were so busy consoling yourself with pretty much all the senior cheerleaders that you may not even pick up the phone. So, I finally moved on and threw myself into volleyball because hearing you got over me in six months—that hurt.”
“Yeah, all I can say is my ego took a hit, and I didn’t react in a very mature way.” He tugged his ear and shook his head. “I’m not proud of how I behaved during that time. Thank God I met Holly shortly after that.”
“She saved you.” Nora sighed, a soft wistful smile turned her lips upward. “Heather mentioned she passed away.”
“She did?” Heather didn’t talk about Holly to anyone, not even the therapist he’d taken the kids to for a few years once they started school. He’d thought it was because Heather was so young when Holly died.
“I’m so very sorry.”
“Thanks.”
“What was Holly like?”
No one had asked him about Holly in years. Holly’s parents had divorced before he’d met her and since Holly’s death her mother had relocated to Florida, happy with her twice yearly visits with the kids. “A lot like Heather. Quiet. Shy until she got to know you. Just a really nice person. A gentle soul.”
“She sounds wonderful.”
“She was.” Hawk looked across at Nora and realized two surprising things. First was that his chest didn’t hurt like it used to a few years ago when he thought about Holly. That deep ache that for so long had seized his heart had given way to a softer sadness.
Second was it didn’t feel weird talking about Holly with Nora. For some reason he had assumed it would. Not that many women asked him about his deceased wife, but the few times it had happened he’d wanted to hold all the memories and little parts of his life with Holly close in his chest rather than share any piece of her. He didn’t feel that with Nora.