“Chelsea?” His distinctive voice causes me to look to my left and I see my brother walking toward me in a blue coat. His jeans have big, jagged rips in them and I lose all sense of being tough. It doesn’t help to see his cheekbones even more defined than last time, or bald patches on his head where he used to have hair. His appearance only does one thing— makes me worry. Something isn’t right.
“Hey, Mattie,” I call him by his childhood nickname and start to move my arms around to hug him but I stop myself. I’m not sure if he’s solely on pills anymore or if he’s moved to stronger shit. If he has, he could have needles in his pockets. They could poke me and it’s a risk I’m not willing to take. Not until I know there isn’t anything there.
“Sorry, I’m late. Friends kept me from getting here at my usual time,” he mutters, looking around anxiously.
“It's okay. I’ve been waiting for you to show up,” I respond, taking another drag from my cigarette. This shit needs to work soon and take the edge off.
“You have? Oh. I–I came to ask you a f-favor, Chelsea.”
I put my hand up, causing my brother to stop where he’s going. “No, whatever it is, I’m saying no. I’ve given you cash countless times, I even gave you my number and then Momma calls me outta the blue and tells me she needs money. I’m not dumb, Mattie. I know you gave her my cell phone number and you know how bad that makes me angry? She hasn’t seen me in years and only calls me to get somethin’ from me. It pisses me off, but what pisses me off, even more, is how you were the one who gave it to her.”
Matthew takes a step back and continues to look around like he’s paranoid. “I’m s-sorry, Chelsea. Really, I am. I just c-can’t keep doing t-this by m-myself. I needed help and I went to M-momma and she got me in d-deeper. I shouldn’t even b-be here r-right now.”
I suck in a breath, trying to understand what he’s saying but I’m coming up short. “What’s going on? What do you mean you needed help?”
“I tried to g-get clean, sissy. Really. I’m not s-screwing around. I tried and M-momma . . .”
“She used you,” I say flatly, knowing her all too well.
I get a nod from my brother to confirm my thoughts and grow even angrier.
“Do you still want to get clean?” I ask Matthew, hoping he still has some courage.
“Yes.”
“Okay, I’ll help you, Mattie, but only if you come with me tonight. Got it?”
“Yeah.”
18
“If you have been brutally broken but still have the courage to be gentle to other living beings, then you’re a badass with a heart of an angel.”
~ @Truth Inside Of You
Hawk
Tommy and I leave Al out back in the snow, bloodied and bruised. I highly doubt he’ll be walkin’ straight for a long time. Serves him right for his despicable thoughts. The two of us head into the bar through the back door and I don’t see Raven preparing drinks. Instead, Frank is there waiting on patrons and a knot forms in my stomach.
I’ll be damned. This woman should know better than to disappear, especially after what she’s just gone through. I walk right up to Frank and lean over the bar top, “Where the hell is Raven?”
Frank rolls his eyes at me while he wipes out a glass with a white cloth and points over in the corner. I turn my head over my shoulder and see Raven’s sittin’ in a booth with some scrawny-lookin’ dude. He has a plate of food in front of him and she’s nodding her head as they chat. I don’t know why, but somethin’ is rubbin’ me the wrong way about this guy.
“Thanks,” I mutter to Frank, making my way over to Raven and the stranger who’s sittin’ a little too close for comfort.
Raven doesn’t even see me approaching, she’s still chattin’ away to this guy while I’ve been standin’ here for at least a minute. The dude’s eyes are trained on me, but Raven is lost in her own little world. It makes me wonder if this guy is from her past. I remember her ex worked here but this isn’t the same person. He does look a bit like Raven though, with the same black hair and nose structure.
“Can I help you?” the man asks me, and I narrow my eyes. It should be me askin’ him that question, not the other way around.
Raven’s head jolts in my direction, “Hawk! This is my brother, Matthew.” Now that I’m gettin’ an even better look at him up close, I see he has the same eye color and that plumberry tone on his lips too. Of course, they’d be related. It was stupid of me to think anything other than that.
“Ah, nice to meet you, bud,” I say, takin’ a seat down next to him. We’re in a booth, so Raven is on his opposite side and I’ve got him pinned in now. “I didn’t realize you lived close by. It must be great to see your sister.”
“I don’t—” he starts to say but slams his mouth shut.
“We grew up out in Warren. I’m not entirely sure if Matthew has been livin’ out there, though,” Raven says to me but continues to look at her brother. There’s obviously some tension here that I don’t know about.
“I live out in Bearcreek now. Haven’t been in Warren in a couple years,” Matthew replies.
“No shit, they have a nice little town out there if my memory serves me correctly. I think I can still taste the steak I had when my brother and I drove through,” I say.
Raven stops staring at her brother but draws her brows together in either stress or frustration. I can’t put my finger on it this second. “Hawk, when my shift is over we need to take my brother out to the Crisis Center. He told me he wants to turn his life around and I believe him.”
The Crisis Center is a place the county just opened in Billings for those who are struggling with a variety of mental illnesses or addiction problems. The pieces are slowly startin’ to come together now. Raven’s brother here must have an issue that he needs help with. Being as thin as he is, I’d say it’s heroin or pills. Heroin kills the body but so does every other drug on the planet. I’ve met some pretty frail individuals on that shit, though.
“Alright. We can take him up after your shift, no problem,” I say.
Matthew looks over to the door and it makes me think he’s gettin' cold feet about wantin’ to get help. I stare at Matthew intently while I ask him, “Matthew, are you worried if we don’t take you now, you’ll run off before you have the chance to get help?”
Call it a gut feeling, but I know a runner when I see one. Instead of responding, Matthew nods his head once.
“Alright. We’ll take you over there right now. Raven, can you tell Frank he’ll have to close up without you because we’re goin’ to take care of your brother here? Tell him I’ll make sure he has a ride back to the club tonight.”
“Sure,” Raven responds, scooting out her side of the booth and I watch as she walks up to Frank and talks to him. This causes me to turn my attention back to Matthew.
“You’re not fuckin’ around with your sister right now, are you?” I ask,
“No, of course not. I really want help. I tried to get it from our Momma but she got me more fucked up and . . .”
“And what?”
“She got us into a huge mess. One I don’t think either of us will get out of. Now she’s got Raven mixed up in it all and people are tracking her like a prized pig.”
Now he’s got my attention. “You mean the guys from the other night?”
“Yeah.”
“What can you tell me about them?”
“They work for the General. I don’t know how he knows our Momma, but they seem to be really close friends. Shoot, I thought by going to her, she’d help me beat this habit but she just wanted someone to get high with. You see, the General doesn’t do drugs. I think he gets high off of watching people do ‘em or getting ‘em hooked. Not really sure.”
“You know where they operate out of?” I know it’s a longshot, but there’s nothing to say he doesn’t know where they’d be holed up.
Shaking his head, he says, “No, anytime you meet up with him, it’s in a different spot. I came here t
onight because my Momma wanted me to lead Raven on, but I know I won’t be able to get off this path unless my baby sister helps me.”
I think for a moment he might still be leading her on, but I see the way he pleads with his eyes. Even if he is fuckin’ with us, there’s a part of Matthew that wants to get clean and by God, I’ll help Raven get him to where he needs to go.
It’s the first step in a long road to recovery.
19
Live less out of habit and more out of intent
~ Unknown
Raven
If someone were to ask me what I would never want to do in this lifetime, it would be what I’m doing right now – walking away from my brother after he’s signed himself into a treatment facility. He told them I’m his emergency contact and luckily, they have a lawyer on staff twenty-four-seven who drew up some power of attorney paperwork stating I’m Matthew’s medical POA.
So, if he were to try and check himself out during withdrawal or before his time period is up and I feel he might relapse, I can make sure he stays within the safety of the rehab. Matthew and I both spoke to a counselor inside the crisis center and decided we’d start with a 120-day program. 90-day programs are typically chosen, however, most people relapse because it isn’t enough time. The Crisis Center also believes this, especially for someone like Matthew who’s been battling with addiction for years. There’s no guarantee he’ll get clean, but we can at least try.
In a sense, I’m relieved Matthew came to me tonight. If he didn’t, he could’ve turned to other forms of drugs and overdosed. I never want that for him. I want him to get over this disease and come out stronger than ever. When he does, I know the same will happen for us. As a family, he and I will be stronger than ever.
Before I walked out of the secured part of the rehab, Matthew asked me to give Momma one last chance. If anything in the world could be hard for me, it would be this. I don’t know if I can ever give her another chance after the hell she put us through. Part of me will always love her because she brought me to life, but I don’t condone the way she tried to destroy ours. Hell, at the soonest possible chance she was off doing whatever the hell it is she wanted to do anyway. But what I hate the most is how when life got hard she just gave up. She didn’t fight through it or ask for help. Instead, she turned to drugs to dull her pain.
“Are you alright?” Hawk asks as we walk beside each other toward my car.
I’m not sure why but I immediately stop in my tracks and look at him. “You know, I can’t remember the last time anyone has ever asked me that question.”
Hawk shifts his lips down in a slight frown, “You didn’t answer me.”
I have to think really hard for a moment. I want to believe I’m okay, but being strong for so long has taken a toll on me. It’s given me the nasty habit of not admitting when I am having difficulty with something. In a sense, I’d rather show the world I’m perfectly fine instead of asking for help. As I think about it, I’m a hypocrite . . . because my Momma didn’t ask for help and we all know where she ended up. I don’t want to ever become like her, so I answer this man with complete honesty. “I want to be, but I don’t think I am.”
“You wanna talk about it?” he asks, taking my hand into his own. As his palm meets with mine, a warm sensation flows through my hand, almost like it’s shocking me to life. It further confirms that Hawk does mean something to me. I don’t want to sound like a hopeless romantic but since the first moment I laid my eyes on him, I felt something.
It wasn't lust. . . but a force pulled me toward him. Fuck, maybe my heart knew back then he was a pretty stand-up guy.
Who am I kidding? Subconsciously the reason I wanted to move to Vegas in the first place was that Hawk was down there. It helped that Ivy and Kade decided to trek down there as well and Frank coming onboard is just the cherry on top. My family is moving to Vegas and maybe if Matthew does well, he can come start a new chapter of his life with us.
I’m about to sound cliché as fuck, especially as a woman. I keep imagining those memes you see online when a man asks a woman where she wants to go out to eat and she responds that she doesn’t know. Well, I’m about to sound just like that bitch. “I don’t know if I wanna talk about it or not.”
Hawk chuckles softly for a second before stopping. “Alright, well, you don’t have to. Just know if you want to, my ears are always open.”
“Didn’t realize you could close your ears,” I retort back, peering up at him.
“Shoot, someone’s feelin’ a bit sassy tonight. Hell, you hungry? I’m wonderin’ if that diner on the edge of town is still open all night.”
I groan, “You mean the shit diner?”
“Not everything in the joint is too bad. Hell, have you had their peanut butter pie? Shoot, girl. You’re about to. Come on, I’ve got a date to take you on,” Hawk declares as he walks away from me, right up to my car. I’m still standing firmly in place, mainly from the shock of hearing a man of his masculinity say we’re goin’ on a date. “Are you comin’ or what? I’ll eat the entire pie, Baby Bird.”
Aw, hell. What have I gotten myself into?
20
Maybe its time to become the person you’ve been waiting for
~ Unwritten
Hawk
If I was a smart man, I would’ve thought this through a little more. I haven’t been to Big Horn’s diner in a couple of years, and from the looks of it, the changes haven’t been good. The vinyl upholstery over the cushions is peeling back, makin’ it look like I just brought Raven to one of America’s shittiest diners. I’m beginning to think she was right in callin’ it the shit diner.
“You really wanted to bring me here on our first official date?” Raven clicks her tongue from the top of her mouth to the bottom, making a clucking noise. She must enjoy pullin’ my tail right now.
Shit, it’s a little past midnight. We weren’t gonna find anything else open unless we drove straight to Missoula. “I’m tellin’ you, the peanut butter pie is bangin’ here. You trust me, don’t you?” I look into those captivating hazel eyes of hers and I’m surprised Cupid isn’t behind me shootin’ an arrow straight into my country ass.
“I do, trust you, that is.” The way she says it makes me want to dig a little deeper. I didn’t expect her to even answer, but now she’s got me all curious.
“Why do you? We’ve only seen each other once before now. You have no reason to trust me.”
Raven glances away before bringing her eyes back to me. She taps her fingers on the linoleum table before she answers, “I don’t know. There’s just something about you I can’t quite put my finger on. Maybe it’s me trusting my gut, but I can tell you’re a decent guy.”
A heavyset middle-aged woman approaches us with a notepad, obnoxiously chewin’ a piece of bubble gum. “You two ready to order yet? You’ve been yappin’ away the last ten minutes.”
Raven’s eyes grow wide at the brash tone of our waitress and I can’t help but chuckle in response. There are a lot of people I’d tell off for speaking to me like that, however, I don’t feel like wasting my breath on a grumpy old bitch who probably hasn’t gotten laid in ten years.
“We’ll have two slices of peanut butter pie with root beer floats, please,” I tell the rotten old bitch.
“Is that—” she can’t finish her question because Raven interrupts her.
“And a cheeseburger, medium-rare, with fries and onion rings. And . . .” Raven pauses for a moment and gets a really good look at our waitresses nametag, “Linda, you might want to think twice about being rude to us. You’re killing your tip with every bitchy thing you do.”
Linda snaps open her jaw and struts right off behind the counter. Meanwhile, I’m smirkin’ at Raven like I’ve had a crush on her since I was a small child. This woman is too good to be true. She obviously doesn’t take shit from others. She’s tough as nails because I heard she didn’t even take any pain medicine when she was gettin' the bullet yanked out of her shoulder or duri
ng her recovery. To top it all off, if someone’s bein’ a complete asshole to her, she’ll tell them where to shove it. Fuck me sideways. She’s my damn wet dream.
“Raven,” I warn, tryin’ to be a gentleman right now. I’ve rarely ever been one before, but this woman makes me want to be a better man. I’m not a piece of shit, but I know how to use a woman for her pussy. I won’t do that to Raven, though. She’s nowhere close to a clubwhore. This girl right here is precious, she’s my Baby Bird and I’ll treat her like the treasure she is—always.
“What?” she asks with a devilish look in her eyes. Girl knows what she did and I don’t have to tell her. Shit, maybe she likes to play dumb. It could be a kink for all I know. I’m just sittin’ here trying my hardest not to get a hard-on.
“You have no idea how hot that was, do you?”
“What? That? I don’t put up with shit, Hawk. I did for a really long time and I know my worth. Plus, I’ll never go into a place where I plan on receiving services and get spoken to like that. Her customer service is shit and she’ll be lucky if she has a fuckin’ job tomorrow after I’m done with her.”
I snicker, placing my hand on the table and grab hers. “Baby Bird, you’re teasin’ me talkin’ like that.”
“How on earth is that teasing?”
“‘Cause, it’s hot as fuck when you stick up for yourself.”
Raven tosses her head back and busts out into a full belly laugh. “Oh, Hawk. You’re gonna cream your pants so much if that’s the case.”
Hawk: Reapers MC Book #6 Page 8