“You haven’t,” he agreed. “You’re gone all the time.” He tilted his head, his expression growing more serious. “What have you been doing, Alice?”
“Training a lot,” I said. I didn’t want to talk about this, not now. This wasn’t the time when I wanted to lie to him. “I don’t know. I’ve been around.”
To silence anymore questions, I leaned down and kissed him. His lips felt hesitant on mine, so I pushed against him, but his skin remained cool.
“What?” I stopped kissing him.
“Are we okay?” Jack asked.
“Why wouldn’t we be?”
“I don’t know.” His forehead crinkled with confusion. “I feel like we’ve been fighting a lot lately, and I don’t know where you go.” He swallowed. “I feel like… something’s wrong.”
“Nothing’s wrong,” I reassured him. “I love you, remember? I chose this life to spend eternity with you, and it’s only just begun. You can’t start questioning it already.”
“No, I’m not questioning it.” His smile came more easily now. “And yeah. I know you love me. I just… you’d tell me if something was going on, wouldn’t you?”
“I tell you everything, Jack,” I lied, and it hurt a little to say that. It used to be true, and it would be again, but right now, I just couldn’t tell him everything.
“Good.”
He reached up, burying his fingers in my hair, then pulled himself up to kiss me. This time, his kisses felt like they always did. I loved the desperate way he kissed me, like he was afraid to stop. Hot tingles spread over my skin, and my stomach fluttered.
When he sat up, he kept his hand on the small of my back, holding me to him. Barely taking his lips from mine, he slipped off my shirt, pulling it over my head. With surprising dexterity, he unhooked my bra, and pressed my bare skin against his. My flesh seared against him.
His heart pounded hard and fast, echoing over my own. He flipped me on the bed, so I lay on my back, and somehow, he slipped my pants and panties off in the process. He struggled to undo his own, and my fingers worked quickly to unfasten the button.
He laughed, sending fresh tingles through me, and then his lips were all over me. Kissing my belly, my chest, my shoulders, my neck. I raised my chin, allowing him to bite me if he wanted, but he didn’t. He hovered over me, his faded blue eyes meeting mine.
“Not this time.” Something in his smile looked sad, and his regret came off faintly, buried underneath his excitement. “For once, I want to love you the way you were meant to be loved. Without all the… vampire stuff.”
“I don’t understand.” I reached up, running my fingers through his hair and my thumb on his temple.
“I know.” He laughed, but it had a strange hollow sound to it that broke my heart. He looked at a spot above me instead of at me. “I turned you into a vampire without giving you a chance to learn what it really meant. And I said I did it to protect you, and I did, but maybe…”
“I know you did it because you loved me and you wanted me with you always.”
“Yeah.” He lowered his eyes and swallowed hard. “You regret it. I know you do, and… I did this to you.”
“Jack, no,” I shook my head. He had has arms on either of side of me, holding himself up, and I ran my hand over his arms, trying to comfort him.
“You rushed into something you didn’t understand because it was what I wanted, and you can’t take it back.”
“I don’t want to take it back,” I insisted, but I wasn’t sure of that anymore.
“Come on, Alice.” He shook his head. “That’s why we’ve been fighting so much. Everything we’ve been arguing about, it all boils down to the fact that you don’t want to change. You don’t want to be this thing that drinks blood. I made you into a monster.”
“No, Jack! You did not! I’m not-” I stumbled, trying to think of what I meant. “We’re not monsters. Okay? You just gave me forever with you. I want to be with you. I love you.”
“I know you do. That’s what makes this so much worse.” When he looked at me, he had tears swimming in his eyes, and I gaped at him.
“I’ll never regret being with you,” I told him honestly.
“And I’ll never stop regretting doing this to you.”
Lying there naked, as close as two people could be, I had never felt such distance between us. The problem was that Jack was right. While I loved him and I did want to be with him for as long as I was alive, I didn’t want to be a vampire. I didn’t want to be a monster that hunted and hurt people, that lived an endless life without purpose, wandering the earth without ever contributing anything.
But I didn’t blame him for that. I had made a choice, and even if I’d rushed into it, that had been my fault, not his.
I couldn’t say anything to ease his guilt, so I leaned into him and kissed him again, this time hungrier and more intense. I wanted to make his pain go away, I wanted him to feel how much I loved him, how desperately I needed him, and how I never, ever wanted to live without him.
He slid inside of me, and I buried my fingers in his back, pressing him close to me. His love surged through me, but it was tinged with something else. His own regret held it back, and even when he kissed me, the closeness I desired escaped us.
Afterwards, Jack held me in his arms, but he pretended to be asleep, even though I knew he wasn’t.
I couldn’t sleep, and I felt too restless to even pretend. I got up, took a shower, and got dressed. In the bedroom next door to mine, both Milo and Bobby were sound asleep, and I hated them for it. Milo’d been going to bed earlier because he had to get up for school, and Bobby had apparently beaten his insomnia for once.
Since I had nothing to do, I thought I would eat. Drinking blood didn’t knock me out the way it did before. In fact, other than when I drank fresh blood, like when I bit Jack, the blood had been energizing me lately. I’m not sure if that’s exactly what I wanted right now, but my veins felt a little dry and my stomach grumbled.
It wasn’t until I opened the fridge that I realized it had been over a week and a half since I ate last. And I was barely even hungry.
Feeling rather stunned by this realization, I thought about ignoring my phone when it rang in my pocket. But it could be important, so I shut the fridge door without getting a bag of blood and got the phone.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Alice?” Mae said. Or at least I think that’s what Mae said. Her end of the phone crackled with static. “Al-” The phone cut out for a second. “-glad I finally-” A loud blast of static cut her off.
“Mae? What’s going on? Where are you? I can barely understand you.”
“-damn tunnel! I’ve been trying but the call-” She cut out again, and I sighed.
“Mae! I can’t hear you! What do you need?” I asked.
“Towels! We need-” Static. “-bring them here?”
“Yeah, fine. Sure. I’ll bring you towels,” I said. Mae started to say something else, but the call dropped, which was just as well. I didn’t want to listen to the static anymore.
I had nothing better to do, so I went to the bathroom and gathered up a bunch of towels. I’m not sure how many they needed, so I just grabbed a lot. I thought about grabbing more stuff, like blankets and pillows, but Peter had already gotten a lot of stuff to make the place livable.
Since no one was around to stop me, I took the Lamborghini, but I parked it out of the way when I get to the bridge. A bright red sports car parked right by the underpass would stick out. Carrying a stack of towels down a slippery ravine proved more difficult than I had thought it would be, but I managed.
Peter had torn out more of the concrete, so the hole into the tunnel was much larger than it had been before. I could stand up and walk in, and there was still plenty of room around me.
Before I even got to the cavern where they were staying, I could hear Daisy’s voice echoing off the walls. She had a lovely singing voice, especially for a small child, but she was butchering the ly
rics to “Hey Jude.”
I found her in the tunnel just outside of the entrance to the cavern. Her blond curls were tied back in a ribbon, and she crouched down on the concrete. A tub of fat sticks of colored chalk was spilled out next to her, and she scribbled furiously at a picture on the ground.
“Hey, Daisy,” I said, walking over to her. She appeared to be coloring a picture of a flying, purple hippo, but I could be wrong.
“Hi, Alice.” She glanced up at me, but her concentration was clearly on the picture.
“How are you doing?” I asked.
“Good. I got new chalk today cause I was bored. Mae says we can’t have music or Sesame Street down here. I hope we move soon.”
“Yeah, that’ll probably be good,” I agreed. “Is anyone else around here?”
“Peter’s inside.” Daisy pointed to the entrance. “Mae is gone, and I don’t know where that other guy went.”
“What other guy?” I asked, tensing up.
“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “The other guy that lives here.”
“Oh, Leif?” I had actually forgotten that he’d be staying here too, and my stomach twisted. I hadn’t talked to him since I found that picture of Milo and me. Then I remembered what Bobby had said about Leif being a killer, and that didn’t make me feel any better.
“That’s a silly name,” Daisy commented.
“It sure is. Well, I’ll let you get back to your coloring,” I said, and she just nodded.
The cavern looked much better than it did before, but you could only dress up a sewer so much. Mae had draped brightly colored curtains all over to add separations and to cover up the walls. In one corner, Daisy had a massive pile of toys and coloring books. Three mattresses had been made up and sat in different areas, and Peter laid on the one closest to the cliff, reading a book.
“Hey, Peter.” I walked over to him and dropped the towels by the bed. “I brought you some towels.”
“Oh. Thanks.” He set aside his book and sat up. “Mae didn’t think you heard her. She ran to Wal-Mart to pick up more supplies.”
“Why didn’t she send you?” I asked.
“Apparently, I forgot too much stuff the last time I went.”
“I see.” I looked around the cavern. “You’ve really dressed up the place.”
“It’s better, I guess,” Peter shrugged. “I was busy all day looking for somewhere to else to move.”
“Did you find anywhere?” I asked, sitting next to him on the mattress.
“Not yet. But we will soon.”
“That’s…” I leaned forward, resting my arms on my knees, and didn’t know what to say. It felt mean saying it was good that he was leaving soon. “Why are you leaving with them?” He gave me a look. “No, I mean, you can go anywhere. Why are you leaving with them? As opposed to anywhere else on earth.”
“Contrary to popular belief, I don’t want to wander the earth alone,” Peter said. “Mae and I were never as close as even she and Jack were, but I’ve always cared about her. I want both her and Daisy to be okay.
“And I’m doing it for Ezra too,” Peter went on. “Ezra’s done everything for me, for Mae. He’s been the rock that held together a lot of shit.” His voice went low as he thought of what they’d been through together. “But he can’t protect Mae from this, and I know it kills him. So I’ll go with her, I’ll take care of her, because he can’t.”
“How is Daisy doing? Is she better here?” I asked.
“Not really.” He glanced towards the tunnel, where Daisy had begun to sing the theme song to Sesame Street. “She wakes up screaming all the time because she’s in so much pain.”
“Pain?” I asked. “Her transformation is long over. She shouldn’t be in pain.”
“It’s not from that,” he shook his head. “She’s so hungry, all the time, and it leaves in her almost constant agony. A child’s body really isn’t meant to handle the change.”
“Oh my gosh.” I swallowed hard, listening to her sing. “What does Mae think about all of this?”
“I don’t know,” Peter sighed. “I think she’s just starting to realize exactly what’s she done to Daisy. Up until now, she’s been able to justify it that she saved Daisy, that the life she gave her would be better than death. But with Daisy being in so much pain, I don’t think Mae can say that anymore.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, unsure of what else to say.
“Not everything with Daisy is horrible, though,” he said. “Some of it’s just weird. She keeps trying to chase down rats and kill them, so I have to stop her from doing that.” He raised his eyebrows. “She eats cockroaches.”
“What?”
“She catches them and eats them whole, and then she gets really sick and throws them up because she can’t digest a bug. That’s why we need the towels.” He ran a hand through his hair and exhaled. “Along with the bugs, she throws up blood, so we have to feed her two or three times a day to keep her to keep her hunger down and her pain at a tolerable level. We’re going through so much blood.”
“I’m sorry,” I repeated.
“Well, on a positive note, she’s learned to say the alphabet in French,” Peter said.
“What? Why?”
“Mae thinks it’s good for her brain.” He shrugged. “Daisy’s actually really smart. She’s just… uncontrollable and blood thirsty.”
“Well, that’s always fun.”
“What about you?” Peter turned to me, his green eyes staring through me the way they always seemed to. “How are things in your life?”
“Great,” I lied. I could never tell him about what’s going on with me and Jack, especially since the two of them were actually repairing their relationship. “I’ve been training a lot, so I’m getting pretty strong.”
“Good.” He smiled, and it made me feel weird. Peter smiled so rarely, so when he did, it felt sorta magical, like a shooting star. “Now that’s one less thing I have to worry about.”
“What?” I rested my head on my arms and watched him.
“You.” He looked away and picked at something on the concrete by his foot. “I still will, I’m sure, but at least in some part of mind, I’ll know you’re safe.”
He picked up a stone and tossed it off over the cliff. We listened for it to hit, but we never heard a sound.
“How far do you think it goes?” I leaned forward, straining to see the edge.
“I have no idea. But if Mae asks, it’s not that far,” he said. “She started freaking about Daisy falling to her death, but I think Daisy’s smart enough not to jump off a cliff.” He cocked his ahead. “Then again, she does eat bugs.”
“It wouldn’t really be that bad if she did fall off, would it?” I whispered and felt like the worst person ever for just saying it aloud. I could hear her in the tunnel, a little girl singing a song and coloring with chalk. “Never mind. I didn’t mean it.”
“You know what the worst part of it is?” Peter asked, still staring off at the cliff. “She grows on you. I know she’s an abomination, and she’s gonna end up hurting people and millions of defenseless cockroaches. But… she spent an hour learning to braid Mae’s hair last night, and when she concentrates, her face gets all scrunched up, and she sticks her tongue out the side of her mouth.” He looked over at me and smiled, and when I didn’t say anything, he shook his head.
“I don’t know,” he said. “You had to be there I guess.”
“I guess.”
“I never had kids,” Peter said, somewhat abruptly. “Ezra did, and Mae did, obviously. I can’t remember if I ever even wanted kids.” He furrowed his brow. “When I became this, I never thought about it. I shut it out.” He sighed. “The same way I tried to shut you out. I’m not very good at keeping things out, I guess.”
“I’m glad you don’t,” I told him quietly, and he looked back at me, his eyes meeting mine in a way that used to take my breath away. It still did a little, but I tried not to show it.
“I’m going with for he
r too.” He kept his eyes on me, but I knew he meant Daisy. “And I’m not totally miserable. I want you to know that. This isn’t what I had planned or even what I thought I ever wanted, but… I’m happy helping Mae raise Daisy, in my own twisted way.”
“Good.” I swallowed hard, gulping down the sadness and relief that mixed inside me.
For so long, I’d been afraid that Peter would never be happy again. Not because I was so fabulous that I didn’t understand how he could be happy without me, but because I thought he’d closed himself off to happiness. That he’d been hurt one too many times, and I’d contributed to that.
But he hadn’t. In his own way, even Peter had found happiness with the choices I made.
“So, you’re doing training?” Peter looked away from me. “What does that entail?”
“A lot of fighting, mostly.” I rubbed my hands over my arms, trying to stifle the emotions I felt. “Um, like working on my agility and mastering my strength. Stuff like that.” I shrugged. “I wish we worked more on tracking, though.”
“Tracking is easy,” he said.
“Maybe for you.” I’d been tracking the killer for weeks and had barely come up with anything.
“For all vampires,” he said. “Just bite them.”
“What are you talking about?” I looked over at him.
“You can track whoever you bite, especially if you have an emotional connection,” Peter explained, and he gave me a look. “Come on, you have to have realized that by now.”
“No, I-” I furrowed my brow. I’d bitten both Jack and Bobby, so I tried to concentrate on them, to see if I could get any reading on them. I couldn’t be more bonded with anyone than I was with those two, but I didn’t feel anything. “I can’t track anything. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Wisdom (My Blood Approves series) Page 20