by Sarah Morgan
Nathaniel inhaled deeply. ‘Katie Field …’ A strange smile played around his mouth. ‘Are you dumping me?’
‘No. You’re the one dumping me.’ The anger burning red-hot, she stooped and picked up her bag. ‘Face it, Nathaniel, you don’t want a relationship. A relationship is about sharing—sharing the highs and the lows. And not just yours—everything isn’t about you.’ She swallowed. ‘I came in here to tell you my news … I was excited—’
‘You have something to celebrate?’ He reached for another bottle of champagne and Katie felt her frustration boil over.
‘Don’t you think you’ve had enough?’
‘I don’t think so. In fact, I don’t think I’ve had anywhere near enough.’ He lifted the bottle and popped the cork. Foam spilled over his hand and dripped onto the floor.
Katie had never felt less like celebrating in her life. She felt cold. Terribly cold.
‘You need to speak to Jacob,’ she said. ‘He’s trying to make amends. That’s obvious from the fact he keeps contacting you. You need to stop running. Be brave.’
‘Brave?’ His laugh was mocking. ‘I’m Alpha Man and I have the Sapphire to prove it.’
Sadness spread like dark clouds, blotting out the final rays of happiness. ‘That Sapphire just proves you’re a brilliant actor. But I’ve always known that.
You’ve been the actor, Nathaniel. Now you need to be the man.’
‘You want me to prove I’m a man?’
‘No.’ Ignoring his slow, suggestive smile, Katie straightened her shoulders and held his gaze. ‘Everyone thinks you’re exactly like your character in Alpha Man, but you’re not because he wasn’t afraid to face his fears. You run from yours.’ The dangerous glitter in his eyes made her wonder whether she should turn and run herself. Fast. ‘I’m not talking about the physical stuff—you do all that easily because you’re not afraid to take physical risks. I’m talking about the emotional stuff. That makes you feel vulnerable and you won’t allow yourself to be vulnerable. You won’t allow yourself to take emotional risks. Have you ever asked yourself why you take back-to-back roles with no break in between? It’s because you don’t want to leave a single chink in your schedule where you might actually have to be yourself. You don’t even know who you really are because you’ve been hiding and running for so long. You won’t go home because it reminds you of your past.’ She discovered that her hands and knees were shaking. ‘You avoid your family ….’
His face lost its colour. ‘My relationship with my family is none of your business.’
‘You seem to think you’re the only person in the world with a messy, difficult family, but you’re not! Mine isn’t exactly a picnic. We have our fair share of skeletons. I don’t care. But I wanted to help you. I still want that. I love you …’ She said the words without shame or hesitation. ‘And I know that terrifies you but it’s the truth. And when I think about what you lived through as a child it makes me boiling mad, Nathaniel, but what makes me even madder is that you’re not prepared to face it and deal with it.’
A cynical gleam lit his eyes. ‘And I thought you were such a sweet, sunny little thing. Clearly I had you all wrong.’
‘Do you want to know what makes me most angry?’
‘No—’ he was icily polite ‘—but I’m sure you’re about to tell me.’
‘What makes me most angry is that you’re prepared to destroy what we have because you’re too cowardly to take a risk with your feelings. I know they hurt you, Nathaniel. Your father, Jacob—they all abandoned you. But are you really going to let the past dictate the way you live your life in the future? Before you can go forward, you have to go back. You have to talk to Jacob. You have to accept what happened and live with it, not just keep switching your phone off. You have to be who you really are.’
There was a long, pulsing silence. He watched her, his face inscrutable. ‘Are you finished?’
Katie felt her heart crack in two. Hope drained away. The future, which a few hours earlier had seemed so bright, now seemed dark and empty. What they had was special. She knew that. Why wouldn’t he fight for it? Why was he just giving up? Caught in a whirl of despair, misery and exasperation, she allowed herself a final long indulgent look at his face. Memories, she thought. That was all she was going to be left with. Desperately she imprinted images in her brain—the brilliant blue eyes, their astonishing colour intensified by the jet of his eyelashes and bold brows; the straight line of his nose and the slow curve of his sensual mouth. But the image that was going to stay with her for ever wasn’t the movie star collecting his Sapphire, it was the man teaching disadvantaged children how to act. The man delving deep inside himself to help a vulnerable child.
Dredging up willpower she hadn’t known she possessed, Katie lifted her chin. ‘Yes—’ her voice was shaky and sad ‘—I’m finished. And so are we.’
Feeling as though someone had gouged out her insides with a blunt instrument, she turned and stumbled through the door. Her vision swam and she narrowly avoided crashing into a group of people who were laughing together.
Blind, she kept ploughing forward until she ran smack into one of Nathaniel’s security team.
‘I’m not feeling well,’ she choked. ‘Mr Wolfe would like you to take me back to the apartment and then to the airport.’
She still had a credit card, didn’t she? The fact that she’d never be able to pay it off was irrelevant. She’d book herself on the first flight into Heathrow and go home. She wasn’t naïve enough to think that the Howard Kenningtons of this world would be interested in her if she wasn’t with Nathaniel. It was all about who you know, wasn’t it? Contacts.
Katie hurried down the steps. Like Cinderella, she thought, running from the ball. Except that she hadn’t lost a shoe.
Both shoes were on her feet, but her heart was in pieces.
CHAPTER NINE
BEFORE you can go forward, you have to go back.
In a dangerous mood, Nathaniel floored the accelerator of his Ferrari and shot down the long drive that led to Wolfe Manor.
He’d swum with sharks, leaped from moving vehicles, skydived and climbed vertical cliffs but none of those activities had left him shaking the way he was shaking now. Fear, he thought. It lodged itself in his chest and gripped him by the throat.
What if, by going back, he was unable to move forward?
Centuries before, his ancestors had carefully planted an avenue of horse chestnut trees and they added an air of grandeur which was abruptly shattered as the main house came into view.
In a state of crumbling disrepair, Wolfe Manor stood like an ancient aristocrat struggling to maintain dignity in the face of advancing years and little maintenance.
Nathaniel killed the engine and sat for a moment, his fingers drumming a rhythm on the steering wheel.
What was he doing here? How did torturing himself with the past help solve the issues in his present?
Swearing under his breath, he sprang from the car and prowled through the tangled, long-neglected gardens. After the warmth of California, the bite of a British winter was particularly brutal and he turned up the collar of his jacket and blew clouds in the freezing air.
Afterwards, he realised that it had always been his intention to walk to the lake—to confront that part of his past—but now, as his feet moved, he felt as if he were being drawn there against his will.
He kicked his way through grass that was untended and overgrown. It brushed against his knees and wrapped itself around his ankles, impeding every step, as if warning him about the danger.
And then there it was.
Bulrushes clustered at the edge of the water, tall and straight as sentries as they guarded the dark, sinister pool that had dominated his childhood. It had begun here, he thought, and it had almost ended here, in the depths of the lake.
‘You sank like a stone.’
His mind still trapped in another place, Nathaniel turned sharply to find Jacob watching him. Apart from that br
ief glimpse at the theatre, it had been almost twenty years since they’d laid eyes on each other and both had spent that time running. Isolating themselves from their past.
Nathaniel felt the anger rush down on him, vivid and scorching hot. The full force of twenty years of simmering resentment and pain powered the fist he slammed into Jacob’s jaw. Pain exploded through his hand and Jacob staggered. But he didn’t retaliate.
Nathaniel was shocked by how badly he wanted him to. As if a good earthy physical pounding might right all the wrongs.
Deep down he felt sick with himself because he knew the person he wanted to lay out cold had been dead for twenty years.
He stepped back. Let his hands fall. ‘What the hell are you doing here?’
Jacob touched his fingers to his jaw, checking for damage. ‘I thought it was time.’
‘Why? Because we’ve all grown up?’ Nathaniel heard the bitterness in his tone. ‘We did it without you.’
There was a long silence, broken only by the ghostly howl of the bitter wind. ‘Don’t you ever pick up your phone?’
‘Only when the caller is someone I want to speak to.’
‘You have every right to be angry. I’m sorry about what happened at the theatre. I should have warned you I was coming.’
‘Why did you come?’
‘I wanted to see you.’
‘Well, now you’ve seen me so you can leave.’ His emotions in turmoil, Nathaniel turned to walk away but Jacob caught his arm.
‘I’m not leaving. I’m here to stay.’
Nathaniel stood still, staring down at the hand that held his arm. Those hands had hauled him out of the lake and saved his life. Those hands had been responsible for the death of his father. Katie’s words rang in his head. He’s trying to make amends—you need to stop running.
Nathaniel scanned the rigid, forbidding lines of his half-brother’s face and saw the same shadows that darkened his own life. And more. He saw pain and self-recrimination. Guilt and self-loathing. ‘You look wrecked.’
‘Thanks.’ Jacob’s laugh was devoid of humour. ‘You look pretty rough yourself for a guy who’s supposed to be the sexiest man on earth. Makes me wonder what the others look like.’
Despite the anger, Nathaniel’s mouth curved into a reluctant smile. ‘Ugly.’
‘Too much post-Sapphire partying?’
Nathaniel didn’t mention the fact that he’d skipped all the Sapphire parties to go after Katie. By the time he’d extracted himself from the hundreds of well-wishers and press, he’d arrived home to find the villa empty. She’d gone. Without telling him her news.
The emptiness in the pit of his stomach was something he’d never experienced before. This is what he did, wasn’t it? He lived his life alone. He kept people at a distance.
If you don’t care, you don’t have anything to lose.
Jacob took a few steps forward, his eyes on the lake. ‘What brought you back here?’
‘Honestly? A woman accused me of being a coward so I thought I’d better just test the theory.’ He blew clouds in the freezing air and Jacob gave a wry smile.
‘You used to do that all the time when you were a kid. You pretended to be a dragon breathing fire. You were always entertaining us, pretending to be something. For you, it was a way out.’
‘We did what we had to. You took up rugby to hide the bruises.’
Jacob’s eyes were shadowed. ‘Have you found a way to balance the make-believe with reality?’
Reality? Reality was what he’d shared with Katie.
And he’d walked away from it. Nathaniel stared at the glassy surface of the lake. No monsters, he thought. No ghosts. Just a dank, dark pool of water. ‘I gave Carrie my Sapphire.’
‘I heard your speech. Did she make the connection?’
Nathaniel was silent for a moment. ‘I think she did. For a short time anyway. Or maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part.’
Jacob hesitated and then closed a hand over his shoulder. ‘It was so hard for you and Sebastian.’
‘Harder for Sebastian—she didn’t even acknowledge his existence.’
‘Whatever William may have told you, your mother loved you. When she took you into the water that night, she believed she was protecting you from our father. She was ill ….’
Nathaniel stood rigid and unresponsive. It was the first time a member of his family had touched him since the night Jacob had walked out years before.
‘Why didn’t you hit me back?’
‘Just now?’ Jacob gave a crooked smile. ‘Because I deserved it. Don’t worry, I’m only allowing you the one. I thought you were going to leap off stage and punch me that night at the theatre.’
‘I couldn’t believe it when I saw you in the front row.’
‘I wanted to see you. I should have let you know I was coming, but I suppose I was afraid you wouldn’t want to see me. I was cowardly.’
‘Seems we’ve all been guilty of that.’
‘I left you all—’ Jacob’s voice was raw ‘—and you were just children. I don’t blame you for hating me.’
Twenty years of pain and resentment melted away. Emotions left over from childhood suddenly seemed irrelevant. ‘I don’t hate you. You were hardly more than a child yourself.’ It was what Katie had said, and suddenly Nathaniel knew it was true. He stood, thinking about how it must have been for Jacob. Just eighteen, with the death of his father on his conscience and no one to turn to, his only human contact a ragged bunch of out-of-control children. Damaged, all of them.
Nathaniel stared across the water, allowing his mind to drift back to that time. Katie was right. Those memories were part of the past. They had no place in the present.
‘I was selfish.’ The words came from deep inside him. ‘I only thought about what it did to the family when you left. I only thought about us. Annabelle was distraught and watching her suffer made me feel as powerless as that night I watched William beat her. I didn’t think about what it must have been like for you, living with what happened. We had you, but you had no one.’
‘I shouldn’t have left but at the time I couldn’t see another way. I let you down.’
There was a tense moment and then they were embracing, holding each other tightly, the bonds of blood flowing from one to the other.
‘When I saw you in the front row of the theatre that night, I had to warn Annabelle that you were back,’ Nathaniel confessed in a raw tone. ‘She was devastated when you left.’ They eased apart, both of them awkward.
Clearing his throat, Jacob turned to look at Wolfe Manor. ‘Did you know they’ve served me with a Dangerous Structure Notice for this place? Apparently I have to take urgent action to remove the danger, remedy the defects and carry out works to make the building and structure safe.’ His laugh was edged with cynicism. ‘It’s hard to know where to begin. The roof is leaking, the brickwork is crumbling … We’ve had numerous breakins. According to the police, local kids dare one another to sneak into the house.’
‘The place was boarded up after we all left.’ Nathaniel stared at the crumbling, forbidding house that had been the backdrop for the dark drama of his childhood. ‘It feels strange, being back. It’s been so long since I allowed myself to think of the place. I pretended it didn’t exist. My whole childhood ceased to exist.’
‘After I left, who stepped in?’
‘Lucas.’ Nathaniel kicked a stone into the water. ‘Can you believe that? Naturally it wasn’t a role he volunteered for. Lucas’s idea of passing on fatherly advice was to teach us everything we ever needed to know about sex, how to avoid discipline and how to get drunk and still walk in a straight line. And—’ he glanced at Jacob’s jaw ‘—how to fight.’
‘He taught you well.’ With a rueful smile, Jacob ran a hand over his face. ‘Although Lucas isn’t the best role model for impressionable children. He slept with at least half of the girls in the school.’
‘And a few of the teachers.’
Laughing, Jacob shoo
k his head in despair. ‘Do you see him?’
‘Occasionally. He turned up late and drunk to one of my film premieres.’ Nathaniel grinned at the memory. ‘Staggered down the red carpet with some gorgeous blonde on his arm, winking at the paparazzi. I seem to remember the headlines were something like Bad, Bad, Bad Brothers …’
‘Sounds like Lucas.’
‘I bumped into him at Annabelle’s Christmas party a few years ago. The one thing Lucas is good at is partying.’
‘But none of you came back here?’
‘Call me fussy,’ Nathaniel drawled, ‘but this place is lacking in party atmosphere.’
‘It’s full of memories.’
‘Most of them bad ones.’
‘Some. Perhaps it’s time to make new ones. Remodel the place. Let in some light.’
‘From what I’ve heard, you’re the man to do that.’
Nathaniel slid his hands into his pockets. ‘I looked you up once. And Rafael mentioned that you’ve built a successful design business. You’ve done well.’
‘And you. I haven’t congratulated you on your Sapphire. I saw the film. You were incredible.’
For a moment Nathaniel thought about confessing how empty it all felt, how meaningless, but his tongue wouldn’t form the words. What had Katie said? Playing someone else is so easy for you, Nathaniel—it’s being yourself that you find impossible.
‘Have you been inside the house?’
‘Yes.’ Jacob glanced at him. ‘Do you want to take a look?’
They walked, and Nathaniel was surprised by how easy it was to be with his brother. Easier than being in the house.
Pushing open that heavy oak door, he shivered. So many ghosts, he thought. So many secrets.
‘He’s gone.’ Jacob’s voice was flat. ‘William is gone. I was wrong to let the family drift apart, but I’m going to do something about that. Things are going to change, Nathaniel.’