“I think you’ll find the words. The outcome may surprise you. If you really loved him and he loved you, there might be something to salvage. If not, at least you’d know for sure.”
“But what kind of relationship can we have now? What we had was built on lies – his and mine.”
The doctor sat back, as stern faced as Dr. Ramsey would ever get.
“I don’t tell my clients what to do, not often anyway. I think you know that. But I do think that when you listen to that inner voice, the honest one, that you’ll do what you need to do.” She waited a minute, then said, “Time’s up, Shelby. I’ll see you next week, if you like. Your regular appointment time is already in my book.”
Chapter Sixteen
The newspaper thrown over the company phone in her apartment still covered the blinking red message light. She had successfully ignored it over the last three weeks, thinking the act of snubbing Clive and Padraig was an act of courage, part of her path to the rest of her life without them both. But now she had no courage, no will left to fight what had been inside her all along.
First message was a routine call from Clive, which she quickly deleted.
The second was recorded the day of her flight after she left her apartment for the airport.
“Shelby, answer this! Please!” Pause “You got to be there, lass. C’mon, pick up…” a frantic Padraig kept on. “Shelby, you there? Damn you, please pick up. You need to hear me.”
The message had come much too late, at least two hours after she left for the airport. She was already in the air by that time, out of cell phone contact, half a world away.
Padraig in a panic and what did it mean?
The third message was from Padraig again, a month later, a day after she threw him out. “Talk to me, Shelby. Call me now…” Same as the fourth and fifth messages, in Padraig’s various states of mind … frantic, angry, the last she heard sounding defeated … until there were no more. She reset the machine and turned away. Then impulsively changing her mind, she turned back and yanked the cords from the wall, throwing the machine against the brick, gladdened to hear it shattered to pieces by the impact.
***
When Shelby had gone into her session with Dr. Ramsey, a week had passed since she’d had had a message from Padraig on her cell phone. Before she’d walked into the office the lack of new messages had been a relief. However, it was no longer a welcome relief when an hour later she walked out of the psychologist’s office with a new purpose burning in her heart. Perhaps no messages cluttering up her cell phone was a message in itself; that Padraig had given up on her and finally walked off to do something new with his life. Wouldn’t it be ironic to find that just when she allowed her heart to race again with thoughts of him, and fill with the hope that they could salvage something from the mess they’d made – that Padraig would have already moved on without her?
Shelby went to his favorite pub: the most likely place to find him after six o’clock on a week night.
And there he was … her heart anxiously leapt at the sight of him. Through the murky smoke of the cloudy bar, she peered toward the corner where they always sat, where Padraig would drink his Guinness and she sipped light beer or a glass of wine. He was there just as she’d hoped, in the seat where he always sat, where she had a clear view of his striking face and muscled shoulders. But he was not alone. Because of the high-backed booth seats, she could not clearly see who sat across from him – although she knew it was a woman. Her hair was a tangle of red curls and when she turned her head, Shelby could just barely see a sliver of her smiling, flirting Irish face – a beautiful Irish girl – like the ones from home.
Her heart sank like a sack of stones. Goosebumps made her shiver cold.
When she saw Padraig glance her way, she turned back toward the door for a hasty exit, hoping he’d not actually seen her. Hurrying down the street, she gulped huge breaths of cool night air trying to hold back her emotions. She swallowed them hard until she felt nothing but numbness, then a steady ache in her head, her shoulders and her chest. She realized she could barely breathe, as if something had punched her in the stomach. Then a warm pain surfaced in her left shoulder. She was spun around, suddenly facing Padraig; he was hardly breathing hard, despite the fact that he would have had to run from the pub to catch up with her.
“What the hell are you doing coming in search of me, then leaving?” She wasn’t used to Padraig Finnian fuming, a hairsbreadth from a full-blown rage – although it seemed like most of their times together since her rescue had been marked by his anger, and even hers.
“You were with someone,” she said meekly.
“I was. But only because you’ve thrown me out of your life, lass. You give me no chance to explain myself. For weeks, I’m in a panic because you’ve been fed to the wolves and I know it. Then you blamed me for your misfortune. That is not justice. But I can’t wait forever for you to come around.”
“I’m not blaming you, Padraig…but I do need to talk…I mean if you’re willing to?”
He looked confused and then just determined. “Sorry, for now, your need to talk will have to wait. There’s a girl in the pub that I owe a beer and a good meal. I guess you’ll have to wait till it’s convenient for me.”
There was a long wait, as though there were something left to say. In the quiet, their emotions gathered until they reached an intolerable degree. Suddenly, he reached out and pushed her into the adjacent alley and shoved her against the hard brick of a warehouse wall. A violent kiss followed, his tongue prying her mouth wide open. The potency behind the kiss she’d felt before, but not from Padraig. Roused by something dark inside him, he pushed her further into the alley, whispering vehemently. “Go on!”
Swallowed inside the murky depths of a damp alcove, he pushed again against the brick. Then in one swift move, he tore open her coat, pulled up her dress and yanked her panties down. Unzipping his fly, his cock sprung free and ready. “You better want this, lass,” he warned, “Cause it’s all you’re gonna git from me tonight.” Lifting her crotch up to greet his manhood, he delivered the final shock with his cock ramming hard into the wetness of her velvety hole.
Seconds later, he came with a muted groan, and ground himself deep as her body would allow. Shelby came too, heaving convulsively as the spasms in her coming body went on and on and on. Even when he set her feet back on the asphalt and backed away, her body was writhing against the warehouse wall, coming still, his juices dripping down her thighs.
“Don’t you call me, lass, though I don’t imagine you would,” he bit off scornfully. “I’ll call you when I’m ready.”
She assumed he would leave her there in the alley to the rats and mice that scurried from one trash bin to the next. Instead, he tore away her panties, discarding them in the trash, then grabbed her arm and escorted her back to the sidewalk. Her car was parked just ten feet beyond. “Go home, now, Shelby.” Some of his bitterness had seemed to abate, but he was no less demanding.
She looked back at him wishing with all her heart that they could just skip through the next few hours or days, or whatever it took for him to come to her again – if he even would. For just an instant, she thought she saw a look of regret pass across his face. But then it was gone.
“In your car,” he ordered. “I have to go back to my friend.”
Sure now that there would be no changing his mind, Shelby fled to her car and roared off down the street. In the rearview mirror, she saw him standing on the sidewalk, watching her until she was out of sight.
How swiftly the tables had turned! He was now the one in charge, and it was her turn to wait.
***
The incident in the alley replayed in Shelby’s mind for days after it happened. What’s worse, there was no Padraig pulling her from the purgatory of her anxious waiting. How did she even know that there was anything to rescue from their once idyllic relationship? When her heart would suddenly leap back to him, she reminded herself that he still had much
to explain. Why should she feel like shit? Why should she blame herself when she was the one who had been victimized?
As the days went by without hearing from him, she began to regret the hours spent with Dr. Ramsey, slowly working her way to the punch line when she finally had the courage to spit out the truth she needed to tell. Why couldn’t she have avoided the drama of replaying her life in its tedious sequence of events? She could have saved herself the constant worry now. The lost sleep. The fretful hours wondering if the minutes spent with Padraig in the alley would be her last with him.
Five days after the shocking fuck, she rushed into the coffeehouse to start her shift; she’d be working until eight that evening. Maureen was there, busily making sandwiches, while Corinne, their teenage waitress was waiting tables, rushing efficiently from customer to customer refilling cups of coffee and taking orders.
Shelby’s eyes scanned the coffeehouse from behind the counter, her eyes suddenly lighting on a man in the corner, his face tucked behind a newspaper. She couldn’t actually see his face with his head still buried in his newspaper – but she knew who it was. Padraig had always been a glutton for news. Even then, she would have known who it was by the familiar work boots, the blue jeans and the way he sat back in his chair. Just his energy might have been enough to identify him amongst a crowd of coffee drinking patrons. He might have once blended into the walls and the woodwork of her coffeehouse, a handsome but enigmatic stranger, too closed to meddle with, too private for an inquisitive female. But he was nothing like that now.
“He’s been here for almost two hours,” Maureen said, as she passed by behind her. “You might as well take the day off, Shel, because you’re not going to be any use to me here.”
“But—”
“But what?” she scowled affectionately. “You’ve been waiting for this for the last week. Or don’t you remember telling me … let’s see, how was that you put it?” Maureen thought a moment. “He was in the pub, but we didn’t quite connect, whatever that means.”
Shelby still hesitated.
“Geez, girl! Go on. Hear him out. You said it was in his hands now, well you’d better face it now rather than suffer more.”
Shelby watched Padraig for several more minutes before she made her move. She had only to walk his way, and he lowered the newspaper to show his face. He must have read her energy as easily as she did his.
“So have I paid long enough for my crime?” she asked, looking into his sparkling green eyes.
“Maybe,” he said.
“Well, you’re here, aren’t you?”
“That I am.”
“Maureen tells me I should take the afternoon off. If that’s what you like, I will.”
He nodded, then tossed the newspaper to a nearby table, and leaning forward, fished through his pocket for a couple of bills. He rose and left them on the table, while Shelby scurried back behind the counter to retrieve her purse and coat.
***
The day was a brisk one, but the breezy air felt good on her face as they walked through the city. She thought they were on some aimless trek until they managed to arrive at a park she knew was fairly close to his apartment. He still lived in the tiny space by the ‘L’, and at that seemingly perilous moment, something made her long for that small apartment and the comforting rumbling of the train. The first time they made love was a pleasant memory among many. Even the memories of when they fought, broke up and managed to find their way back together were precious to her now. Was it possible for that special magic to work again? Or were things too different now?
“I’m a carpenter. That’s what I’ve always done,” he started the conversation after a long quiet spell.
They sat on a park bench with Padraig leaning forward, arms on his knees and Shelby sitting sideways, so nervous that her entire body was quaking and hot, her ears practically burning – somewhere in that there must have been a metaphor but she wasn’t making commentary in her mind. Every bit of her was focused on Padraig. He looked at her a moment, then his empty gaze returned to somewhere in the distance, across the field of fresh mown grass to the great green trees that lined the park’s perimeter.
“A few years back, right after you left Clive, I was doing the renovations on his city penthouse. My Irish brogue was thicker then. He took note of it and started asking me questions all about me self, where I came from, what kind of man I was. Things I liked. A queer guy, Clive Darcy – and I mean the normal definition of ‘queer’. I liked him, I thought. We shot the breeze about most everything when he was in a mood to talk. I’d work, he’d watch – or go about his business – simple as that.
“After a while, he asked me if I’d do a few favors for him, sort of like the assignments you had delivering sensitive information to important persons. I wasn’t so sure about that, so I questioned him. I didn’t want to do anything illegal to mess up my immigration status. He assured me there’d be no problem. Some kind of instinct made me believe him…that and the men he introduced me to. Important people in the government who contracted him for his intelligence work. They thought I was a good decoy. So I made short trips, just a few days at a time – I got back to Ireland that way. And I flew to Mexico, the Bahamas, Panama. He labeled me an operative because I’d come back with useful information. He could trust me, and it put a few extra dollars in my pocket. My work for him went on long after the penthouse renovations were done. After that, we didn’t see each other much; he’d call me about a new assignment and if I had the time, I’d take the job. If not, it was no big deal to either of us. I guess you could say he pulled me into his cause.
“Then one day, he calls me. Wants me to come to his office. Things to discuss.”
Padraig turned to her. She could see his face, and after finding his eyes much too intense, found herself staring at his lips instead.
“He said that he had a different assignment for me. A girl. In fact, his former lover. I already knew about his sadism. The things I installed in his apartment were enough to make most people walk away in disgust. Eye bolts, suspension harnesses and whipping racks. He made no apologies for his fetish; in fact, he seemed proud of what he could do to a woman with her consent. Before I left him, I saw him whip a female into a frenzy. Craziest thing I’d ever seen. Her back was raw with welts and there was this cruel smile on his face. I could see his pants bulging. Funny thing was, the girl. She was smiling too. I turned away and left, deciding that I had no business watching what came next.”
“So, it bothered you?”
“Not much. Maybe what bothered me was that I found it so damn exciting. I went home and jacked off.”
Shelby’s entire body bristled hearing this.
“So, he calls me into his office to tell me about the girl he wanted me to look after. He called her naïve and vulnerable. She used to be his secretary, but something had scared her off. I asked what that would be and he said that they had been intimate, lovers, even master and slave for a long while…but things changed he said. He didn’t say what except that he knew that this Miss Ryan had been with another man, an arrangement he’d engineered and now that the affair was over and she needed looking after. He told me I had free reign. I could do whatever I pleased with her – as if he still owned her.
“I thought it odd, but then I found out that you were hot and beautiful and fascinating. I never expected to fall in love, but I did, Shelby.” He looked her straight in the eye. “I knew you had your assignments, just like I had mine. But I was told they were safe, document drops, nothing more dangerous than that. When you treated them like a vacation, I had no reason to think anything differently. But it wore on me that we couldn’t be honest about what we were doing. It wore on me that I couldn’t do some of the things that my desires led me to. I knew about you, Shelby. Darcy admitted that he’d been hard on you, but he made me promise to hold off on the rough stuff. He thought you needed a break. After a while, I didn’t care what he wanted. Even so, I wanted to be careful. I didn’t want to sca
re you off. I knew a lot, but I wasn’t sure what had happened with your last affair – you tossed it off like it was no big deal, but I wasn’t so sure. So what that I couldn’t slap your ass when I had a mind to, or hold you down, or let those fired up passions in me have their way with you.
“It did mess me up…the lies. What I knew were lies. They started to grind in my gut. That’s when I’d get pissed at you and we argued. The times I walked out and you wondered why. I figured we needed a break. I could feel the strain between us, but I didn’t know how to change that, make it better.
“I think things were starting to go well, though…until last month…” He bowed his head and stared at the concrete sidewalk.
“They were going well, Padraig. They were the best times.” Her heart was beating so hard that she could barely speak.
“I thought your assignment was the same as the others, but then I got a call from Darcy. He said I needed to see him. He must have had it timed right. He must have known the minute you’d walk out the door. He told me I’d be flying to Vienna soon to get you. It didn’t make sense then. He only said that the assignment was a little different than the normal ones. I questioned him and got nothing but vague answers. He finally said it was none of my business. You’d signed on, you could handle it. You wouldn’t be in any danger. He swore to me you wouldn’t be in any danger.
“I tried to get a hold of you, Shelby, but it was too late. You were already gone. You didn’t pick up your cell phone, and of course the call to your apartment was useless. I just hoped. I hoped so hard it hurt… then when you were reported missing, abducted, I was told, it was all I could do to keep from going back to his office and decking the bastard.”
His emotion was still raw and enough to make the stunned Shelby shudder.
“So, that’s it. That’s my story, my explanation. I don’t know how I would ‘ave done things differently, lass, but if I’d have known what was going to happen to you, I would have moved heaven and earth to keep you out of that disaster.”
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