by Kate Morton
Where had he put the jam?
The jam was important. The man in the basement flat had said it was his best batch yet; that he’d gathered the blackberries himself and used months of rationed sugar. But Tom couldn’t remember where he’d put it. He’d had it, he knew that. He’d brought it from London in his bag, but then he’d taken it out and put it down. Had he left it under the table? When he hid from the rain, had he taken the jam jar with him? He supposed he should get up and look for it, and he would. He had to, the jam was a gift. He’d go and find it in just a minute, and then he’d laugh that he could have lost it at all. He’d just take a little rest first.
He felt tired. So tired. It had been such a long journey. The stormy night, the trudge up the drive, the day of trains and buses and near misses, but more than that, the journey that had led him to her. He’d walked so far; he’d read and taught and dreamed and wished and hoped so much. It was natural that he should need to rest, that he might just close his eyes now and take a moment; just rest a little, so that when he saw her again, he would be ready . . .
Tom closed his eyes and there were millions of tiny stars, twinkling, shifting, and they were so beautiful and he wanted only to watch them. It seemed to him that there was nothing he wanted more in the world than to lie there and watch those stars. So he did, he watched them as they drifted and sifted, he wondered if he might even be able to reach them, to hold out a finger and catch one on it, and then finally he saw there was something hiding amongst them. A face, Juniper’s face. His heart shook its wings. She had arrived then, after all. She was close by, leaning to lay her hand on his shoulder, to speak softly against his ear. Words that described it all so perfectly that when he tried to clutch them, to repeat them to himself, they turned to water in his hands, and there were stars in her eyes and stars on her lips and little shimmery lights hanging in her hair; and he couldn’t hear her any more, even though her lips were moving and the stars were winking, because she was fading now, turning into black; and he was fading too.
‘June – ’ he whispered, as the last little lights began to tremble, to switch off one by one, as thick mud filled his throat and his nose and his mouth, as the rain beat down on his head, as his lungs were finally starved of air; he smiled as her breath caressed his neck . . .
THREE
Juniper woke with a start to a throbbing headache and the muddy mouth of unnatural sleep. The surface of her eyes felt grazed. Where was she? It was dark, night-time, but a faint light crept in from somewhere. She blinked and registered a ceiling high above her. Its marks, its rafters, were familiar, and yet it wasn’t right somehow. It didn’t fit. What had happened?
Something, she knew that; she could feel it. But what?
I can’t remember.
She turned her head – slowly – letting the clutter of loose, nameless objects inside tumble over. She scanned the space beside her for clues; saw nothing but an empty sheet, a jumbled shelf beyond, the merest strip of light spilling in from a door that was ajar.
Juniper knew this place. This was the attic at Milderhurst. She was lying in her own bed. She hadn’t been here in a long time. There had been another attic, a sunny place, not like this at all.
I can’t remember.
She was alone. The thought came to her as solidly as if she’d read it, in black text on white paper, and the absence was a pain, an aching wound. She’d expected there to be someone else with her. A man, she realized. She’d expected a man.
A strange wave of misgiving then; not to remember what had happened during the lost time was normal, but there was something else. Juniper was lost within the dark wardrobe of her mind, but although she couldn’t see what lay around her, she was filled with a certainty, a heavy dread, that there was something terrible locked inside there with her.
I can’t remember.
She closed her eyes and strained to hear, cast about for anything that might help. There was none of the bustle of London, the buses, the people on the street below, the murmurs from other flats; but the veins of the house were creaking, the stones were sighing, and there was another persistent noise. Rain – it was light rain on the roof.
Her eyes opened. She remembered rain.
She remembered a bus stopping.
She remembered blood.
Juniper sat up suddenly, too focused on this fact, this small glimmer of light, of remembrance, to mind the pain in her head. She remembered blood.
But whose blood?
The dread shifted, stretched out its legs.
She needed air. The attic was stifling, suddenly; warm and moist and thick.
She placed her feet on the wooden floor. Things, her things lay everywhere, yet she felt disconnected from them. Someone had attempted to clear a space, a passage through the jumble.
She stood. She remembered blood.
What made her look at her hands then? Whatever it was, she recoiled. There was something on them. She brushed quickly on her shirt and the gesture caused a rippling of familiarity beneath her skin. She lifted her palms closer to her face and the marks fled. Shadows. They were only shadows.
Disconcerted, relieved, she went shakily to the window. Pulled aside the blackout curtain and opened the sash. A light cool film of fresh air brushed her cheeks.
The night was moonless, starless too, but Juniper didn’t need light to know what lay beyond. The world of Milderhurst pressed upon her. Unseen animals shivering in the underbrush, Roving Brook laughing in the woods, a faraway bird lamenting. Where did the birds go when it rained?
There was something else, directly below. A small light, she realized, a lamp hanging from a stick. Someone was down there in the rain, working in the pets’ graveyard.
Percy.
Percy holding a shovel.
Digging.
Something lay on the ground behind her. A mound. Large. Still.
Percy stepped aside then and Juniper’s eyes widened. They fired a message to her beleaguered brain, and the light in the dark wardrobe flickered, and she saw clearly, just for a moment, the terrible, terrible thing that was hiding there; the evil that she’d sensed but hadn’t seen, that had filled her with fear. She saw it, she named it, and horror fired every nerve within her body. You’re just like me, Daddy had said, before he confessed his grisly tale—
The circuit blew and the lights went out.
Damned hands.
Percy recovered the dropped cigarette from the kitchen floor, wedged it between her lips and struck the match. She’d been counting on the familiar action to return her some steel, but she’d been too hopeful. Her hand shook like a leaf in the wind. The flame extinguished and she tried again. Concentrated on striking firmly; on holding the bloody thing still as it sizzled and caught, as the flame leaped; of bringing it to meet the end of her cigarette. Closer, closer, closer – something caught her eye, a dark smear on her inner wrist, and, with a start she dropped the box of matches, the flame.
Matchsticks lay spilled across the flagstones and she got down on her knees to pick them up. One by one, side by side, into the box; Percy took her time, disappeared inside the simple task, wrapped it round her shoulders like a cloak and did up all the buttons.
It was mud on her wrist. Only mud. A small mark she’d missed when she came inside; when she’d stood at the sink and scrubbed the mud from her hands, her face, her arms, scrubbed until she thought her skin would bleed.
Percy held a matchstick between her thumb and forefinger. Looked beyond it but saw nothing. It fell again to the ground.
He’d been heavy.
She’d lifted bodies before, she and Dot; they’d rescued people from bomb-blasted houses, loaded them into the ambulance, carried them again at the other end. She knew that the dead weighed more than the friends they left behind. But this had been different. He’d been heavy.
She’d known he was dead as soon as she pulled him from the moat. Whether from the blow itself or the inches of mudded water into which he’d fallen, she couldn’t
say. But he was already dead; she knew that. She’d tried to revive him anyway, an instinct born of shock more than hope; she’d tried everything they had taught her in the ambulance brigade. And it had rained and she’d been glad because it meant she could deny the damned tears when they dared to fall.
His face.
She closed her eyes, clenched them tight; saw it still. Knew that she always would.
Her forehead met her knee and the solidity of the contact was a relief. The hardness of her knee-cap, its cool certainty when pressed against her hot and racing head was reassuring; almost like contact with another person, a calmer person than she was, older and wiser and more suited to the tasks that lay ahead.
For things would have to be done. Other things; more than what she’d done already. A letter would have to be written, she supposed, telling his family; though telling them what, she wasn’t sure. Not the truth. Things had gone too far for that. There’d been an instant, a flame’s-tip moment when she might have done things differently, telephoned Inspector Watkins and laid the whole mess out before him, but she hadn’t. What could she have said to make him understand? To make him see that it wasn’t Saffy’s fault? And so a letter must be written to the man’s family. Percy had no instinct for stories, but necessity was the mother of invention and she would think of something.
She heard a noise, and jumped. It was someone on the stairs.
Percy collected herself, swiped her palm across wet cheeks. Angry with herself, with him, the world. Anyone but her twin.
‘I’ve put her back to bed,’ said Saffy, on her way through the door. ‘You were right, she was up again and terribly – Perce?’
‘Over here.’ Her throat ached with tension.
Saffy’s head appeared over the top of the table. ‘What are you doing down – oh, dear. Let me help.’
While her twin crouched beside her, gathering matches, jumbling them into the box, Percy hid behind her unlit cigarette and said, ‘She’s back to bed then?’
‘She is now. She’d got up – the pills mustn’t be as strong as we’d thought. I’ve given her another.’
Percy wiped at the mud smear on her wrist and nodded.
‘She was in quite a state, the poor darling. I’ve done my best to reassure her that all will work out, that the young man’s only been detained and that he’s bound to be along tomorrow. That’s all it is, isn’t it, Percy? He’ll be along? – Perce? What is it? Why do you look that way?’
Percy shook her head.
‘You’re frightening me.’
‘I’m sure he’ll come,’ said Percy, placing a hand on her sister’s arm. ‘You’re right. We just have to be patient.’
Saffy’s relief was evident. She handed over the full box of matches and nodded at the cigarette in Percy’s hand. ‘There you are then; you’ll be needing these if you plan on smoking that.’ She stood, straightening the green dress that was too tight. Percy fought an urge to tear the thing to shreds, to weep and wail and rip. ‘You’re right, of course. We just need to be patient. Juniper will be better in the morning. People always seem to be, don’t they? In the meantime I suppose I should put the table settings away.’
‘It would be best.’
‘Of course. There’s nothing so sad as a table set for a dinner party that never was – oh my!’ She was by the door now, looking down on the mess there. ‘What’s happened here?’
‘I was careless.’
‘Why . . .’ Saffy went closer. ‘That looks like jam, a whole jar. Oh, what a shame!’
Percy had found it by the front door when she was returning with the shovel. The worst of the storm had passed by then, clouds had begun to blow themselves apart, and a few eager stars had broken sharply through the sheet of night. She’d seen his duffel bag first, then the glass jar beside it.
‘If you’re hungry, Perce, I could fetch you some rabbit?’ Saffy was bent over cleaning up the shards of glass.
‘I’m not hungry.’
She’d come inside and sat at the kitchen table, put the jam and the bag on top and stared at them. An age had passed before the message had made it from brain to hand, telling her to open the bag and see to whom it belonged. She’d known, of course, that it had to be him she’d buried, but it was as well to be sure. Fingers trembling, heart thumping like a wet dog’s tail, she’d reached for it, knocking the jam jar to the floor. A waste, such a waste.
There hadn’t been much inside the bag. A change of underclothes, a wallet with very little money and no address, a leather notebook. It was inside that notebook that she’d found the letters. One from Juniper, which she could never bring herself to open, another from a fellow called Theo, a brother, she’d gathered as she read.
For she did read that one. She let herself sink inside the ghastly fact of reading a dead man’s letter, of learning more than she ever wanted to about his family – the mother who was a widow, the sisters and their babies, the brother who was simple and loved especially. She forced herself to read every word twice; a half-formed notion that in such a way, by punishing herself thus, she might somehow make amends. A stupid notion. There would be no atoning now for what had happened. Except, perhaps, by way of honesty.
But was there any way she could write and tell them the truth? Any chance that they might be made to understand how it had happened; that it was an accident, a terrible accident, and not Saffy’s fault at all? That Saffy, poor Saffy, was the person on earth least capable of desiring or doing harm to someone else. That she’d been blighted, too; that despite her fantasies of London, the elaborate dreams of leaving the castle (she thought Percy didn’t know), she’d been unable ever to breach the boundaries of Milderhurst, not since that first attack of hysteria in the theatre; that if anyone were to blame for the young man’s death, it was their father, Raymond Blythe—
No. No one else could be expected to look at things that way. They couldn’t know what it was to grow up in the shadows of that book. Percy felt great bitterness as she thought about the ghastly legacy of the Mud Man. This – what had happened tonight, the damage poor Saffy had unwittingly caused – this was the legacy of what he’d done. He used to read Milton to them when they were small – Evil on itself shall back recoil – and Milton had been right, for they were paying still for Daddy’s evil act.
No. There would be no honesty. She would write something else to the family, to this address she’d found in the bag, Henshaw Street, London. The bag itself she would destroy; if not destroy, then hide. The muniment room, perhaps, would be the best place for it – what a sentimental fool she was: to bury a man but be unable to throw away his personal items – the truth, and her defiance of it, would be Percy’s burden to carry. Whatever else Daddy had done, he was right in one thing: it was her responsibility to look after the others. And she would make sure they all three stuck together.
‘Are you coming upstairs soon, Perce?’ Saffy had cleaned up the jam and was standing with a jug of water in her hands.
‘Just a few more things to take care of down here. The torch needs batteries . . .’
‘I’ll take this up to Juniper then. The poor love’s thirsty. See you soon?’
‘I’ll look in on my way up.’
‘Don’t be too long, Perce.’
‘I won’t. I’ll be with you soon.’
Saffy hesitated at the bottom of the stairs, turned back to Percy and smiled softly, a little nervously. ‘The three of us together,’ she said. ‘That’s something, isn’t it, Perce? The three of us back together again?’
Thereafter, Saffy stayed all night on the chair in Juniper’s room. Her neck grew stiff and she was cold despite the blanket draped across her knees. She didn’t leave, though; she wasn’t tempted by her own warm bed downstairs, not when she was needed here. Saffy sometimes thought that the happiest moments of her life had been when she was tending Juniper. She’d have liked children of her own. She’d have liked that very much indeed.
Juniper stirred and Saffy stood up immediately,
stroked her little sister’s damp forehead and wondered at the mists and demons that were swarming there.
The blood on her shirt.
Now that was a worry, but Saffy refused to think too much upon it. Not now. Percy would make it right. Thank God for Percy. Percy the fixer, who always knew just what to do.
Juniper had settled again, she was breathing deeply, and Saffy sat down. Her legs ached with the day’s tension and she felt unusually tired. Still, she didn’t want to sleep: it had been a night of odd imaginings. She should never have taken that pill of Daddy’s; she’d had the most ghastly dream when she dozed off in the parlour. She’d been having the very same one since she was small, but it had been so vivid this time. It was the pill, of course, and the whisky, the upset of the evening, the storm outside. She’d been a girl again, alone in the attic. Something had woken her, in the dream, a noise by the window, and she’d gone to take a look. The man clinging to the stones outside had been as black as sealing wax, like someone charred by fire. A flash of lightning and Saffy had seen his face. The graceful, dashing youth beneath the Mud Man’s wicked mask. A look of surprise, a smile beginning on his lips. It was just as she had dreamed when she was young, just as Daddy had written. The Mud Man’s gift was his face. She’d lifted something, she couldn’t remember what, and she’d brought it down hard upon his head. His eyes had widened with surprise and then he’d fallen. Slid against the stone and down, finally down, into the moat where he belonged.
FOUR
Elsewhere that night, in a neighbouring village, a woman held her hours-old baby close, running her thumb against the tiny child’s peachy cheek. Her husband would arrive home many hours later, tired from his night-watch duties, and the woman, still dazed from the unexpected and traumatic birth, would recount the details over tea, the way she’d gone into labour on the bus, the pain, the sudden, plunging pain, the bleeding and the savage fear that her baby would die, that she would die, that she would never hold her newborn son; and then she’d smile wearily, devotedly, and pause to press the tears that warmed her face, and she’d tell him about the angel who’d appeared beside her on the roadside, knelt at her knees and saved her baby’s life.