by Ally Miller
The fluttering in my heart. What did this all mean? I began to turn away, feeling almost ashamed about this. I didn’t want any sorts of feelings to get in the way. I was only here because of my mom, for she didn’t want me to fail. I didn’t want to fail, so why was I catching feelings?
I shrugged it off. I’m sure they’ll go away soon enough. “Thanks,” I said. I left the room, heading over to my dorm once more. While I normally just drank and did a bit of homework, tonight I worked a bit more on some homework, not even drinking at all. It was the first time in a long time I hadn’t done that, and normally I didn’t pay mind to it, but it was a bit strange.
What was happening to me? I had one stupid study session, and now I feel like everything is changing. Why? What was going on? All of these questions seemed to fill my mind, making me wonder if there was something else there. I didn’t know for sure, but I guess I’ll try to figure it out when the time was right.
People are strange, and I hate emotions. It’s why I normally try to drown them out, but that’s proving not to be possible with this. I mean, maybe I should just let the emotions invade my mind. Not that I would mind it, but who knows.
“You like her, don’t you?” the voice said to Robert as he sat there, drumming his fingers.
Robert looked up, staring at Caleb with a blush. “Nonsense. I can’t. I have a repute to uphold,” he said.
“You don’t have to pretend Robert. It’s obvious from the way you speak to her you like her,” Caleb said, cutting through the façade.
Robert sighed, sitting there and dusting the plaque he had.
“You know, that’s easier said than done. I mean, if anyone finds out about this, I’m screwed,” he said.
Caleb nodded. He knew both of them were supposed to be morally-sound teachers, and in a school like this, if even word was breathed that you’re seeing a student, you get ousted.
“That’s right. And I’m still an intern. This is bad,” he said.
“I know. I feel terrible for doing this. It’s just…I can’t help it. I mean, I’ve never found anyone worth liking before. I’m always stuck working, always pretending to be the serious teacher that everyone enjoys, but let’s face it, I can’t let this go on forever. I have feelings too,” Robert said. In truth, he knew that his family had been talking about him finding a wife and a kid. He was nearly thirty. His parents were getting antsy, but the idea of finding love proved to be much harder than he believed.
“I know. I like her too, but if I even show affection of that nature to anyone, I can kiss this internship goodbye. My dreams of being a teacher, of making my parents proud, of everything… it would be for nothing,” he said.
They both had a lot at stake. Robert sighed, turning to the other.
“Let’s see how this goes. Maybe we can keep our feelings quelled over time,” he said.
“I’ll try. But even then, can we really make this work?” he asked.
“Maybe. You never know. Sometimes stranger things have happened,” he said.
“You’re right. Thanks Robert,” he said.
“No problem. But keep this a secret for now,” he said.
The two of them continued to finish grading, knowing they shouldn’t’ be thinking about her. All of the risks that this would entail, the potential for them to lose their jobs held above their heads. There was so much wrong with this, and yet, neither of them could say no.
They couldn’t’ resist these feelings, even if they tried.
Chapter 4
I got some more tutoring, seeing them both twice a week. It really helped, and it honestly kept me on track. I managed to get the assignments done, and I knew that this was indeed exactly what I needed.
However, that didn’t ease my weird thoughts. Instead of having them go away, potentially as nothing more than a mere product of maybe just the closeness, they started to get worse. All the time I was blushing when they looked at me, feeling tense whenever our hands touched, the whole nine yards. Why the hell was I like this? I hated it! I didn’t want feelings, but they seemed to continue to bother me.
However, I did notice that they weren’t as in-my-face about positivity, which was nice, and I didn’t mind that, out at the same time I missed it. It was obvious that something was wrong, but I guess they won’t tell me. Oh well.
One day, once we finished the initial studies, I began to look at both of them with a glance.
“You know, things have gotten way easier for me since you two began to help me. I thank you for that,” I said.
“You’re very welcome. I take it that changes are happening in other areas of your life?” Robert asked.
Do I tell them the truth? About what’s been going through my mind? I didn’t want to admit anything weird, but I needed to tell someone about this.
“Yeah. Listen, if you can promise to keep a secret, I’ll let you know. I swear, I’m not doing drugs or anything. It’s just… embarrassing that’s all,” I said to them.
They leaned in, listening to my worries.
“What’s up?” Caleb asked. I looked into his blue eyes, seeing the contrast between him and Robert, yet they both had short, brown hair.
“It’s about my life. Honestly, up until this point, I never really cared about my future. I always had everything handed to me. My father is a world-renowned surgeon and my mother is a fashion designer. I’ve never really followed in either of their footsteps, which is why I always felt like the odd girl out. I mean, I figured out what I want to do with my life. I want to be a biologist, and honestly, this class was there as a requirement for my degree, which was part of the reason why I hated it. I don’t care about history, and I feel bad telling you this,” I said.
They listened to me, and I’m glad that they didn’t care all that much about me saying that their class sucked in my mind.
“Understandable. It’s not like you wanted to have this as a requirement and shit. I’ve been there before,” he told me. Robert knew of his time in grad school where he had to take things in order to appease people. His whole life was like that.
“Yeah. It kind of made me think in that light, and I feel bad. I mean, both of you are pretty amazing, really nice, and honestly it’s been refreshing to really get to know you people. But before this, I hated it. I hated coming to class, dealing with you, mostly because I thought you were an arrogant bastard, and even doing the work. Now that I get to know you though, I know you’re not just some boring teacher. You’re actually a pretty great person. Same to you Caleb,” I said.
“Thank you,” Robert said with a smile.
“Yeah, thanks,” Caleb replied.
I looked at them, feeling a growing concern in my heart. Compassion was also something I never really showed until now, but I could tell from the downcast look Caleb gave me, something was wrong.
“You seem upset,” I said.
Caleb looked at me, shocked I even saw that. “Wow, I’m surprised you noticed,” he said.
“Well this whole experience has awakened a more selfless side of me,” I admitted. It was weird to care about others, but I guess it takes a bit of getting used to.
Caleb took a deep breath, looking at me with concern. “What you said… about others always wanting you to follow in their footsteps, I kind of get that. I mean, I don’t really tell people about my past, but I can trust you. I’m a teacher because I want to be, but my parents often don’t appreciate that I’m not working in their company. It fucking sucks, but I want to do this. The stress of the situation, always putting forward airs that don’t’ feel right, it just… it takes a lot out of you, you know,” he said.
Wow. He got deep. But I did understand that, and I immediately smiled. “I get that. I mean, I guess we all put a front every day. But the best way to achieve our goals is to prove others wrong,” I said.
“Indeed. I’m the same way. I’ve got to pretend I’m some serious teacher, but I’ve got family barking at my neck to get married. It’s honestly driving me crazy, es
pecially since it’s really hard to connect with someone. Honestly Casey, you’re the first woman I’ve ever told that to. I mean, maybe there is a woman like that out there for me,” he said.
I blushed. Was he suggesting something else? I am terrible at reading people, and this was definitely one of those moments.
“Right. We just need to keep our head up. Keep proving others wrong. Maybe expressing our true feelings is the way to go,” I said.
There was an awkward silence, an obvious sign that both men were confused. I was too, but I didn’t want to let them know that.
I nodded. “Anyway, thank you, both of you. You two have really helped me figure out a lot of things. Hopefully, I’ll figure out even more as time goes on. You’ve helped me feel less lonely too,” I said. They really have. I haven’t drank in a bit, and I didn’t feel the need to. I didn’t want to act out anymore. It’s like they inspired me to be a better person.
There was a pause, and I really hope this wasn’t going to end badly. However, I could tell they both took the compliment, grinning.
“Well, I’m glad we can help with the loneliness. You’ve helped us both out too,” Robert said. He did want to say what he wanted to feel in that moment, but the consequences still ate at his heart.
“You really have. It’s totally weird, but yeah. I should get going,” I awkwardly said, getting my books from the desk.
“Remember, if you ever need anything, you can let us know. If you want, we’ll help you throughout the rest of the semester,” Robert said. He was determined to. Maybe then, he could finally settle the feelings within him.
“Yeah, I love the experience as well. It’s really helping me. Plus, you’re a great girl, despite our initial encounter,” Caleb added. He did feel like his endeavors were worth it now, especially since he could see the change.
I blushed, feeling a bit embarrassed about the way I acted in the past.
“It’s all right. I mean, we didn’t know. I’m sorry for acting like a dick too. It’s easier now though. Now that I’ve sorted this out kind of,” I said. I headed out of the classroom, still stuck in my thoughts, but maybe this time away would help. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.
The next session wasn’t much easier. I still felt like nothing was sorted out, and I still felt a strange feeling from both of them. It was obvious they wanted to tell me something but they didn’t for some reason. I sat there, pursing my lips as I looked at the study guide.
“Is there something the matter?” Caleb asked, when I bit my lip as I tried to write something down.
“Yeah, but it’s nothing to concern yourself with. Just weird thoughts,” I added.
“You can tell me. Trust me, I think we’ve gotten past the weird thoughts being held back,” Caleb joked.
Yeah, but could they really handle this? It’s been on my mind ever since the last session. I took a deep breath, looking at both of them with a flush.
“I’ve been thinking… do you ever feel like society has these expectations for you to push forward, but you can’t really meet them because of your own personal feelings, and it’s beginning to drive you crazy?” I asked.
They looked at one another, both of them chuckling. I turned beet-red, getting annoyed.
“It’s not funny,” I said.
“We’re not laughing at you Casey. We’re laughing because that’s the life we always have to live. I mean, I’m a world-renowned writer and a teacher. Everyone thinks that I’m always this boring stick in the mud, but you probably figured out that I’m a person. However, I always have to keep that teacher vibe up, even though I hate it,” he said.
“Yeah. I’m in the same boat, but I have parents that want me to do well with what I’ve chosen. They weren’t too happy when they found out I wasn’t going into the family business after college. So I have to keep those expectations up all the time,” he said.
“I always have to pretend I’m a serious man, yet I’m pressured from all sides of life to find someone, connect with them, and actually build a relationship. It’s easier said than done, and while most don’t know it, it does drive me mad,” Robert said.
“Same. My family is always telling me I’m a failure for being a teacher and not in their company, but I’m happier this way. Yet I’m always getting hounded for my desires not following their expectations,” Caleb added.
I was shocked. So they did understand. They were people too, unlike what I thought. I mean, this university is one of the best in the country. I just felt like everyone who was here didn’t really care about anything else but their job
“Wow. Thank you for telling me,” I said.
“No problem. I mean, it’s good to know the truth. You’re doing well though. I’m sure that your parents are proud of you,” Caleb said.
I don’t know, but I mean, maybe they are. I haven’t heard from them, but I mean, maybe no news is good news. Of course, maybe I’ve been selling myself short recently.
“Thanks,” I replied.
“You’re very welcome,” both of them said at the same time. They looked at me, and I began to blush. I knew that they were perfect in their own way, and soon, I began to tense up. What was wrong with me? Why did I have this strange urge to say I like them? I’m so confused.
“I should get going. It’s getting late,” I said.
“Okay. Just be careful Casey. And remember, you can call us anytime. You have my number,” Robert said.
That’s what I was afraid of. Calling them for something else other than tutoring. I left the room, heading over to my dorm, unsure of what to do.
“What the hell is going on? Why is my heart racing like this? Where are these thoughts coming from?” I asked.
I spent the rest of the night trying to get my mind off it, but it proved to be too much, and soon, I was thinking harder and harder on it. I did feel compassion for both of them, a desire to help both these men, something that was foreign. Perhaps they would come to me when the time was right, but of course, I had my own battles to fight.
I knew this would only get worse with time, but I wondered how much longer I’ll be thinking about them before the desire to tell them overflows out.
Chapter 5
I felt weird realizing that there were feelings there. I mean, did they feel the same way? Was this all just my imagination? Honestly, I didn’t even know anymore, but it was driving me slightly batty. However, I wanted to tell someone about this, anyone at all. I wouldn’t give out their names obviously, but I needed to just let someone know what’s going on, maybe to help sort out the feelings on the matter I possessed.
My best friend, Tina, would be the best one to go to. I called her up after my tutoring session, waiting a minute before she responded. When she did, she let out a small squeak f happiness.
“Finally you called! I was wondering how you were doing?” she asked.
“Yeah. I have a situation. Would it be cool if we chilled together?” I asked.
There was a pause, and I could tell she wanted to know immediately what was eating at me.
“Sure. Is everything okay?” she asked.
“It could be better, but I have a problem. It’s kind of embarrassing,” I said.
“Well, let’s talk it over coffee and lunch. How does tomorrow sound?” she asked.
“That works for me,” I said.
I clicked the phone off, feeling relieved that I had someone to talk about my feelings with. It’s weird, but I’ve truly never felt this way about someone ever. It’s a new, foreign feeling in a sense, but at the same time, I want to explore it. I want to understand what I’m going through.
The next day came quickly. I went over to our usual spot, a small restaurant right outside of campus. I didn’t have classes today, and there was a three-day weekend, giving me time to think on this. When I got in there, I saw Tina right away. I moved into the booth, seeing the smile on her face.
“Let’s order first, and then we’ll talk,” she told me.
I c
ouldn’t agree more. I was starved. The waiter took our orders, and once he left, she looked at me with a smile.
“So what’s up? You seemed worried on the phone,” she said.
I took a deep breath. I didn’t know where to begin, and honestly, I didn’t feel like telling my best friend I had it hot for the teachers I was with.
“Well, there’s this person that I like. I don’t know what to do about it,” I said.
“Oh? So you have a crush. What’s he like?” she asked.
What she didn’t know was that the desire within me was for both of them, and I felt almost ashamed about that.
“Well they’re a bit older, and they’ve really helped me. you know my home life isn’t the best. Sure, I get everything handed to me, but I also have a lot of rules put in. I kind of confided to them about it, and this person understood me far more than anyone ever has. It’s also the first time I’ve… ever really felt compassion,” I said.
“Woah. I knew you changed girl but I didn’t expect this,” Tina said jokingly.
“No shit. It’s so weird, but I feel for them, and I don’t hate myself for feeling this way. In truth, I feel happy about that. I really do,” I said.
“That’s amazing. Do you think it’ll work out?” she asked.
I blushed. That was my biggest problem. “That’s the thing. I’m scared. I don’t know where to begin with this. I’ve never fallen for a person, ever, and the fact that this might be happening now terrifies me. I don’t know what to do,” I cried out.
The restaurant looked at me for a moment, causing me to blush, but then, Tina smiled.
“You know, that’s perfectly normal if you’re not versed in what these feelings could be,” she told me with a grin.
“Wait, really?” I asked her. I couldn’t believe it.
“It’s true. I seem to be in the same boat. I never truly did understand my feelings for another person. One time, there was this guy I really liked, and I was almost too scared to let him know. But the only way to acknowledge those feelings is to tell them, which was what scared me. I didn’t want to tell others about it, but as I came to terms with my feelings, I realized it wasn’t so bad. I felt better, and honestly, it’s going to bother the crap out of you until you do something about it,” she told me.