by Tara Lain
He tried to smile. “I’m fine. Just clumsy.” He looked down and found one ski lying beside his leg and the other crossed over his thigh. What a mess. Dying sounded good. Or sinking into the snow.
Bronson stared down at him, hands on his hips. “Okeydokey. Let’s get organized.”
The instructor leaned down and repositioned JJ’s remaining ski. With just one of the infernal wooden boards on his feet, JJ managed to get up without too much drama. His head hurt, and he didn’t even want to think about his ass.
As he struggled to stay upright, he looked at the group. Michele stood firmly on her skis looking compassionate, motherly, and balanced. Ron and Paul glanced at their watches and gazed longingly toward the trail that JJ was keeping them from following. Kill me now.
Bronson held his loose ski, and JJ managed to get it on. The big instructor smiled. “Okeydokey. Now, finding balance, leaning forward just a little, plant the pole. Try again.”
He’d like to plant the pole in his own head. JJ gritted his teeth, planted his pole, slid a foot forward, overbalanced, started to slide, threw up his dangling pole, and fell straight into Ryan’s arms.
“Whoa, big guy.” JJ looked up. The blue eyes contained a code-breaker’s puzzle. Some laughter, compassion, confusion… and maybe a little derision. Hell. JJ hadn’t felt this incompetent in quite a while.
He thrashed his way out of Ryan’s hold. “Thanks. I think I better give up on this. You go have fun, and I’ll see you later.” He leaned down and unfastened the skis, mostly so Ryan couldn’t see how upset he was.
“No, I want to come with you.”
JJ took a deep breath and stood up facing Ryan. “I don’t want to ruin your trip. I’m fine. Really.”
Bronson’s big hand clasped JJ’s shoulder, and JJ wanted to cringe. Instead he turned and faced the okeydokey music. “Thanks for trying, Bronson. I guess skiing just isn’t my thing.”
“No, I can teach you, for sure. Just sign up for some one-on-one lessons. I’ll take the group now. You come back later.” He smiled his big, competent, well-coordinated smile and skied over to the group. Michele waved and set off after Bronson and the truck drivers.
JJ picked up the skis. “I’ll just take the bus back to the hotel.”
Ryan frowned. “You hit your head pretty hard. Are you sure you’re all right?”
“Yeah.” He knocked his knuckles against his forehead. “Hard as a rock, just like my dad always said.” He started walking toward the bus pickup. He wished he could just cry. This manly crap was just that—crap!
Ryan fell in beside him.
JJ flashed his phoniest smile. “Seriously, stay here and ski. I’m okay.”
Ryan didn’t say anything, but he didn’t leave either.
JJ turned in his skis and boots at the shack.
The chirpy lady smiled. “Giving up so soon?”
Shit, he wanted to die. “Yes, no aptitude.”
She laughed, and he turned and walked to the stop where a bus was starting up. He got on, and Ryan followed. The bus started through the valley back to the hotel.
JJ sat down. “Sorry I wrecked your fun.”
“You didn’t. I’m having a great time with you.”
That was nice. But the big JJ-fall-down elephant was still in the room. Or on the bus.
Ryan cleared his throat. “Want to go back later and take some private lessons? I think it’s just unfamiliar. Not everybody takes to cross-country right away. I’ll bet you could be great at it.”
JJ wanted to smile, but his lips wouldn’t turn up. He shook his head. His father’s voice echoed in his ears. Don’t give up on baseball, JJ. You can do it. Hell, just stop your sniveling and be a man. You’re worse than your mother. Get out there on the field and get under the ball. Stop being a coward.
Time and again, he’d gone back. Back onto the field to get hit by a fly ball in the face, back out onto the track to be the guy who fell over the hurdles, back into soccer to be the last one chosen for any team. When his mom tried to put him in dance class to improve his coordination, his dad hit her in the face. You’re making him a sissy mama’s boy, he screamed. Be a man, JJ. Be a man. Be a man.
“JJ, you okay?”
“What?” He looked at Ryan. The tough face that never knew fear. Shot at and betrayed, he still went back for more. Was that what JJ liked? “Yeah, I’m fine.”
But he wasn’t fine. Be a man, my ass. His mother knew. She understood how much he hated and detested every moment of his childhood, trying to be what his father wanted. She knew JJ was a sissy. Afraid every hour and minute of the day. Until that moment—when he hadn’t been. She’d been as shocked as his father. As horrified. As unforgiving.
JJ sighed. Ryan put an arm around his shoulders. That was nice. Really nice. But what was JJ doing? He’d worked his ass off trying to be okay with himself. David, Rod, Hunter, Jerry—they’d all been great. They’d helped him see his own worth by accepting and loving him just as he was. But God, he loved to be held. He snuggled his head against Ryan’s shoulder and closed his eyes to the glances from the other passengers.
“JJ?”
JJ opened his eyes. Stopped. He raised his head and looked around. “Are we here?”
Ryan laughed. “You were pretty beat. You took a nap. We can go put you in a more comfortable bed. How’s that sound?”
JJ got up. Whoa. Woozy. His ass hurt like a son of a bitch, but not as bad as his head. Ryan guided him off the bus and through the lobby. When they got to the room, the bed looked incredible.
JJ pulled off the heavy twill pants he’d worn for the stupid skiing and put on his soft, worn jeans. Ryan came up beside him and undressed. I must be really upset, because that hard body doesn’t even make me drool—much.
Ryan patted his shoulder. “Why don’t you lie down? I’m going to take a shower.”
“Okay.” Ryan was great, but the easy fun and camaraderie of last night was gone. JJ felt weird. Out of his body. And the air felt strained.
Ryan went into the bathroom and closed the door. No invites to come join him. JJ sat on the bed, kicked off his shoes, and lay down with his head on the pillow. It was only Saturday. Sunday felt a long time away.
He closed his eyes and curled up on his side. Fetal felt good right now. A noise came from the bathroom, and JJ opened his eyes. He stared.
“Noooooooooo!” The scream rose up his throat and poured out his mouth before he even knew it was there.
He leaped backward off the bed until he stood shaking and screaming, staring at the eight-legged monster on the other pillow. “Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God!” His hands flew like a helicopter and his feet danced up and down.
“JJ, what the hell?” Ryan stood beside him stark naked and dripping.
“Sp—spider! Spider. No, no, no.”
Ryan frowned and pointed at the two-inch arachnid on the bed. “Is that what you’re so afraid of?”
JJ nodded madly and shook his hands at his sides. “I think it touched me.”
Ryan stared. Just stared. JJ knew that stare. He’d seen it a thousand times. Afraid of the dark. That stare. Afraid of small places. That stare.
JJ’s mouth opened. He should calm down. He should man up. He should—hell no!
He ran into the closet, closed his suitcase, slipped on his loafers barefoot, grabbed his down jacket, and headed for the door.
Still, Ryan stared.
JJ turned. “I’m sorry. I’ve been lying to you. The fact is I hate football and almost all sports. I don’t like beer, and I detest all forms of violence. I like to dye my hair pink, I can’t think of anything worse than having to cross-country ski ever again, and I hate, just hate, can’t even begin to describe how much I hate, spiders. I’m sure I’m the exact kind of flaming queen you despise. But I liked you so much, so I thought I’d try to be who you wanted. It wasn’t fair to you, and most of all, it wasn’t fair to me.”
JJ reached in his pocket and grabbed all the cash he had and put it on the t
able by the door. “Sorry I cost you so much money.”
“JJ—”
JJ ran out the door, skipped the elevator, and took the stairs to the lobby. A bus stood outside the front door loading people. JJ ran to the desk. The young guy who’d checked them in looked up. JJ pointed. “Where’s that bus going?”
“Airport.”
“Do they take credit cards?”
“Of course.”
“Good.”
He raced out the door and onto the bus.
ANOTHER SIP. JJ lifted the wineglass to his lips and tried to drink around the trembling. He leaned back in his favorite midcentury modern armchair and closed his eyes.
Now that he’d done the whole show—outed himself as a big sissy to the one guy he most wanted to think well of him, then managed to keep himself together on a bus, plane, and in David’s car—here he sat falling apart. He couldn’t stop shaking. On the way home, he’d told David he’d decided to come back early. His boss knew something more serious was up, but bless him, he didn’t pry. He just made small talk all the way back from the Orange County Airport, sharing everything that had happened at the shop and how desperately he needed JJ back since he couldn’t find anything without JJ’s help. A lie, but a sweet one. He’d be back at the gallery the next day and life would return to normal. Whatever that was.
God, it was good to be home. His apartment might be small and over a garage, but it showed the best of him. His talent, the things he loved, the things that made him laugh.
“Mwowr.”
He looked up and smiled at his friendly neighborhood wandering feline. Friskybits actually belonged to someone a mile away, but she liked JJ best and regularly escaped to come visit him. “Hey, girl. Come on in.”
She jumped through the open window he kept unscreened for her, padded across the polished concrete floor, and jumped on his lap. She wasn’t usually this affectionate. She mostly liked the special food he kept for her.
He scratched under her chin. “You know I’m in a bad way, right?”
She purred and rubbed and kneaded in an orgy of affection. Sweet god of desperate gay boys, he needed her. He needed someone who chose him just like he was.
The cat climbed his chest and licked his ear. He giggled. The outflow of air came back as a gasp, and a tear slid down his cheek. “I wasn’t fair to him, Frisk. I knew he’d never want a guy like me, and I led him on. I lied. Crappy idea.”
She just purred.
The tap on his door startled her, and she jumped off his lap with a squeal and ran behind his daybed. JJ sighed. It didn’t take him long to get here, but I guess he has the rest of my clothes and needs to get them off his hands.
“Don’t worry, Frisk. It’s just someone returning stuff I left behind.” Like his heart.
He swiped at the tears and walked to the door. Deep breath. He opened it to that beautiful, tough-guy face. Sadly, the face he loved. “Hi.”
The blue eyes looked stormy. “JJ, what the hell were you thinking, running off like that?”
“That I was a liar and a cheat and I wanted to leave the scene of the crime.”
That stopped Ryan. He adjusted JJ’s clothes that he held in his arms. “All that stuff you said, was it true?”
“You mean about hating football and the like? Yes.”
“Well, shit. Just shit.”
JJ sighed. “Why don’t you give me that and come in?” He took the armload of clothing and stepped back for Ryan to walk across the threshold.
“Holy shit! You live here?”
JJ went over to his closet and hung up his good sport coat and the pants and shirt he’d left behind at the hotel. “Yes. I’m an interior decorator. Another thing I lied about.” He turned back to Ryan and pointed to the black leather sixties-style couch he’d found in the back of a secondhand store. “Want to sit?”
Ryan stared around him but sat on the edge of the sofa. “You must think my place is pretty sad.”
“Yes.”
Ryan looked startled. “Why did you lie?”
JJ sat in a striped chair across from Ryan. “When I first saw you at the Winter Fantasy, I was attracted, and Rodney told me he’d seen you in a gay bar with a really macho-looking guy. I figured that’s what you liked, so it was kind of a challenge to see if I could persuade you I was the way I look.”
“A challenge.”
“Yes. My father always wanted me to be more manly. I guess I thought it would be fun to try it. All football and beer and shit.” JJ purposely crossed his legs high on his thighs. He’d made such an effort to cross them at the knee while he’d been with Ryan. He’d only forgotten a few times.
“And you hate football?”
Strange how calm he felt. Kind of dead. “I didn’t know who the Chargers were, exactly, until that day at the Winter Fantasy with you.”
“But at the game, you knew so much.”
“I practiced with a friend who’s a sports fanatic. I may be a femme, but I’m a quick study.”
Ryan ran a hand through his dark hair. “Shit. You did all that?”
“Yes.”
“But why couldn’t you just have been yourself?”
“You wouldn’t have liked me.”
Ryan looked at him levelly, and JJ knew every word he’d just said was true.
“I guess I should just be flattered that you went to all that trouble.”
“Yes.”
Ryan stared at him, then stood up abruptly. “But I’m not, dammit. You lied. It’s like a whore who tells you he’ll be anything you want him to be. Shit, JJ. How could you do that? You made a fool of me and yourself.”
Well, damn, he hadn’t exactly thought of the whore analogy. “I’m sorry.”
“Me too. Me too.” He turned and walked out the door.
JJ’s turn to stare—at a closed door. Friskybits crept back across the floor and jumped up on his lap again. He pulled her against his cheek and let the tears flow.
CHRISTMAS CAROLS filled the air with chestnuts and open fires.
The group sang enthusiastically and slightly off-key behind JJ. He stared out the window at the holiday lights that twinkled on house after house in David’s charming Laguna neighborhood. A hand gripped his shoulder, and JJ looked up into Gareth’s handsome face. JJ didn’t get to see him and Edge that much, because they were both going to school in Santa Barbara, and when they were home, JJ usually manned the store so David could be with his lovers. “The street looks really nice.”
Gareth glanced out the window, then sat on the footstool by the chair JJ perched on. “So I hear you’ve been up to no good.” His Aussie accent made it sound like “heeah.”
JJ shook his head. “Not anymore. I’m pure as the driven snow.”
“Now right there’s your problem, mate.”
David came over and sat beside Gareth, snuggling close. Damn, that looked like fun. He handed JJ a glass of champagne, then clinked his own glass against it. “Merry Christmas. To naughty and nice.”
Gareth grinned. “Especially naughty.” He toasted with a glass of beer.
David massaged JJ’s shoulder. “And to moving on to new and better things.”
The ten or twelve other friends gathered around the piano broke into “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” They made it all the way to seven swans a-swimming before the verses started falling apart. Geese were swimming and French hens a-laying until the whole crew was laughing, and JJ tried to laugh with them.
The doorbell rang, and Edge went over to get it. “Hey, Bobby, Robin.”
The twins burst into the room like self-contained holiday decorations. Bobby had affected head-to-toe green and red, complete with tights and a long Rudolph sweater. Robin had adapted his usual attire to the season with the addition of glittery stars on a tight black turtleneck and black jeans. JJ had to admit, he looked mouthwatering.
Bobby kissed his way around the crowd, but Robin sidled over to JJ. He slipped an arm around JJ’s shoulders and pressed against his side. “Merry
and happy, darling.”
“Same to you.”
“Do I notice that you’re unescorted this evening?”
JJ nodded but couldn’t talk.
“Well, clearly the men of Laguna Beach are lacking in wisdom. Since there are two of us, perhaps we can make up for the failings of others.”
David nodded enthusiastically. “Great idea. You two show JJ some fun, will you? He needs to understand just how gorgeous he is.”
Bobby walked up at that moment. “Who’s gorgeous? Moi?”
David smiled. “Yes, darling, but I was actually talking about JJ.”
“Oh, yummy. Do you need convincing, baby boy?”
Holy crap. Bobby pretty much hurled himself at JJ, who had to catch the slender body before it plunged through the window. Bobby hit JJ’s lap, grabbed his head, and in two seconds was devouring JJ’s mouth like it was figgy pudding.
Okay, delicious. Bobby kissed like a pro on all parts of the body, and right now he was conducting his master course on JJ’s lips. JJ kissed back, but his cock didn’t. Barely a wiggle. Shoot. Had the cop ruined him?
Bobby sat back and stared at JJ. “Have I lost my mojo, dear?”
David stepped up and put his hand on Bobby’s shoulder. “Of course not. He’s just a little down in the dumps. Now come with me and tell me what you think of the sushi. Should I use these caterers again?”
Bobby let David distract him, but no way was he fooled. He slipped off JJ’s lap but looked over his shoulder as he walked away. Nothing got by the twins.
David glanced back. “Gareth, you too, darling. I need your advice.”
Gareth got up, winked at JJ, and followed David toward the dining room. Subtle, much? David knew, just like Bobby did, that if anybody could seduce JJ into having fun, it was likely going to be Robin.
Mr. Dark and Sparkly sat on the footstool, pulling JJ down onto the chair. “Okay, sweetheart, what’s up?”
JJ shook his head.
“It’s that cop, isn’t it? The one you ditched us for merely because someone shot at his ass.” Robin gave a little smile.
JJ shuddered. “Kind of. I mean, it’s over, or really never started but I just haven’t quite accepted it yet. I need to get over it. Over him.”