by Jess Dee
“Not really.” Definitely avoiding eye contact. There was that strained quality to her voice, too.
“Want some sushi?”
“No, thanks. Had enough.” Did she squirm?
“So…” He was determined to get her to relax again. “How’s work going?” Her shoulders were so tight he could practically see knots forming.
“Not bad.” She studiously kept her eyes on the TV.
Amy was embarrassed. A reddish blush stained her cheeks. “Been busy?”
For a couple of moments, she looked indecisive. Her eyes darted to the front door and back as she gnawed on her lower lip. “Very. We’ve had a rush of new patients and there’s hardly been time to breathe.”
“Anything interesting?”
She took a deep breath and turned to face him. Resolve steeled her expression. She was going to play this cool. “One case. They’re not my patients, though. Maggie referred them to one of the other counselors. I’m too busy.”
Daniel watched her play nervously with a lock of hair. She wound it around her finger, tugged it down, and let it loose, then wound it around her finger again. “Tell me about them.”
“They’re a professional couple with an unusual request.”
“They want to get a child genetically cloned?”
“Not quite.” Amy laughed. It was tense, but a laugh nevertheless. “They want to have a baby but can’t do it alone.”
“Why not?”
“They’re both women.”
“That would make it a bit difficult,” Daniel agreed with a smile. “Have you had gay couples in before?”
“A few. They get a bit tricky because of the legal and social ramifications.”
“Like what?”
“Like who’ll carry the baby and what rights does the other partner have? Are they going to use a known or an anonymous sperm donor?” Her voice became animated, like it always did when she spoke about her work. “Will the donor take on any paternal duties? Is he HIV-free? It can, and usually does, get rather complicated.”
“Isn’t there any way of simplifying it?”
“Well, they could do it themselves with a willing and known donor. Success rates are much lower, though. Then there are still all the parenting issues.”
“How will they decide?”
“Through a lot of counseling and information.”
“Wish you were seeing them?” Amy would have loved the challenge. She was that sort of person.
For the first time since he walked back into the room, she seemed to relax. “Yeah. It’s a little frustrating not being able to take on every case. The counselor they’re using is good, and if there are any problems, she’ll ask for assistance.” She changed the subject. “What about you? Ready for tomorrow?”
“Sure am.” Although job offers had poured in after his exhibition, he’d rejected them all and taken the last few weeks off. The shoot at POWS had been gut-wrenching, and he needed time out to regroup.
Tomorrow, he was starting work again. A women’s glossy had asked him to do a fashion shoot. He anticipated a week there would be a good entrance back into the field.
“I’ll miss the sleep-ins and surfing, though. Especially now that the weather’s a bit warmer. Did I tell you what the shoot is?” he asked. “It’s the Oz designers’ spring collection. I’ll be completely in the know about the upcoming fashions. Ask me anything you want to know about dressing for sunshine.” He paused and then said with authority, “I’ve been told purple is the new black.” He’d been told no such thing, but at least his comment had the desired effect. Amy laughed.
“What about skirt length?” she asked. “Mini, midi, or long?”
He looked at her and shook his head. “Skirts are so last year, daahling. Anyone who’s anyone in the industry knows that. The best-dressed people are wearing pants this spring.” He waited a second and then added, “Purple pants.”
Amy snorted. “Lucky you’re filming the models and not dressing them.”
A couple of months ago, she would have made some comment about undressing them as well. It was way too good an opportunity to miss. She would have procured great joy from taking the piss out of him. A couple of months ago, she’d have been right. There would’ve been a lot of undressing of models going on.
But not anymore.
“How are you feeling? Has the time off work helped you?”
Daniel smiled to himself. She couldn’t hide that side of her—Amy the caregiver, the nurturer. No matter what he’d put her through, she still worried about him and the effect being at the hospital had had on him.
If it were anyone else, he’d have brushed off the question and changed the topic. “A little,” he answered honestly. “For a while there, I couldn’t distance myself from some of the kids. I identified too strongly with them. It hurt.” It still did. His stomach twisted every time he thought of the ward.
“I guess whenever you were in a room with one of them you relived the times you sat with your sister while she was sick.” Her voice was gentle, yet probing.
“I did. Especially with Vicky. She reminded me so much of Sarah.”
“How?” Her eyes remained trained on his face.
“Her attitude toward her illness. She was so positive the whole time. She knows there’s a chance she could”—his voice cracked, and he swallowed—“she could die. Yet she is so brave and so funny. She never gave up hope, even when she was so sick she couldn’t talk without throwing up.” A muscle twitched in his jaw.
“She has a younger brother, Theodore. She worries about him and what he’s going through. Every time she mentioned him, I thought about Sarah. Sarah always asked how Lex and I were doing. She worried about us even though she was the one going through the treatment.” He closed his eyes and shook his head as painful memories poured through. “I thought about the days when she felt so bad she didn’t even want to see us. And”—he paused and frowned—“and then I remembered how rejected I felt. Christ, how selfish is that? Sarah was sick, and I sat there feeling rejected?”
“Oh, Danny.” Amy grabbed his hand. “You were a child. A scared, anxious child.”
“I was a demanding brat. I insisted my parents pay us as much attention as they gave Sarah and then got pissed off when they didn’t. I didn’t understand they couldn’t.”
Daniel brushed a hand through his hair.
Hell, he hadn’t expected to reveal any of this. Yet the need to get it all off his chest was overwhelming. He had to talk to someone, and who better than Amy?
“You were twelve.” Her voice was so soft, so understanding. “How could you possibly appreciate all the dynamics? All you knew was that your sister was sick and your parents were focused more on her than on either you or Lexi. Add to that your own feelings about Sarah’s illness, and it’s a lot for a boy to cope with.”
“Sometimes,” Daniel admitted, surprised by his own candidness, “I didn’t try to cope at all. I pretended nothing was wrong. I’d go to school and live this fantasy where everyone was healthy. The days were much easier that way. I even remembered how to laugh again. Then I’d get home and find Mum crying, or my aunt waiting to watch us while my parents were at the hospital, and just as quickly, I remembered there was nothing normal about our family after all.”
“I bet that made you feel guilty, trying to live a normal life when Sarah’s life was anything but.”
Daniel was stunned. That’s exactly how he’d felt. Guilty. He hadn’t understood it then. He’d berate himself over his audacity to be happy. Then fly into a rage because he didn’t know how to deal with his self-recriminations. “I wasn’t easy to live with during that time.”
She squeezed his hand. “You were trying to be normal, to find some sanity in an abnormal situation. That’s human nature. It’s called self-preservation. It would have been far more worrying if you hadn’t tried to make the best of the situation.”
He smiled at her. “Both Sarah and Vicky said the same thing. No matter how bad it g
ot, they had to make the best of a bad situation.” It was only when Vicky had said it to him a few months ago that he’d realized she was right. It was then he’d resolved to make the most of his situation with Amy.
“Wise words from wise children,” Amy said. “How are you feeling now that you’ve had time to put a little space between yourself and the hospital?”
“A little more resolved. Kids get sick and some don’t survive. I don’t like it, but I’ve learned to accept it.”
She was silent for a while. He could practically see the cogs turning in her mind before she asked quietly, “What if Vicky died? How would you feel then?”
How would he feel? “Crushed,” he said at last. “But at least I’d be able to distance myself from her death. Before my stint at the ward, I wouldn’t have been able to separate my feelings for her from my feelings for Sarah. Now I can.”
Amy shifted so her whole body faced him. She pulled her knees up onto the couch, pressing against his thigh. Her entire focus was on the conversation, and she seemed unaware that she was touching him. Although he was conscious of it, this time the contact was not arousing. It was comforting.
“Your fear of losing Sarah must have been overwhelming.”
“It was. For a long time, I’d forgotten that. The relief that came with her remission buried my fears. It was easier to focus on the happy than the sad, so I didn’t try to remember what might have happened.”
“That’s pretty much how you live your life now, isn’t it? Focusing on the happy, not the sad. That’s why you always look at the positive side of life.”
Daniel nodded. “I guess so.”
“But you weren’t left completely unscathed.”
“What are you talking about?”
Amy gnawed on her lower lip and held his hand in both of hers. “I think your fear of Sarah’s possible death scarred you in another aspect of your life.”
He shook his head, unsure of what she was getting at.
“I think,” she said gently, “your fear of losing Sarah has translated into your relationships with women. Your reluctance to commit to anyone—to get involved in a serious relationship—stems from your fear of losing someone special in your life.”
Daniel digested her words in silence.
“The knowledge that someone so close to you almost died made you scared another person you care deeply about might die. It’s easier not to care at all. To cut your relationships off before they become meaningful.”
His natural instinct was to deny it. No. I’ve never had a meaningful relationship with another woman because I’m in love with you. But after letting the idea sink in, he decided that maybe she wasn’t so far off course. He hadn’t committed to a long-term relationship, ever. Not even with Amy. He’d never tried to get involved with her until now. The shoot had changed him. He was finally ready to take that step.
He was startled at her insightfulness. “You know what, Morgan? It never occurred to me my fear of Sarah dying may have affected me in other ways.” He wanted to tell her he was ready for a commitment as long as it was with her. But now she was the one who wasn’t ready to hear it. “You’ve given me a lot to think about.”
He paused, choosing his words carefully. “It’s only fair to give you something to think about as well.”
She looked startled and tried to let go of his hand. Not ready to break contact yet, he held tight.
“I’ll make you a deal. I promise to look at my fear of commitment in a different light…”
“If…?”
He waited a heartbeat and looked her in the eyes as he said, “If you try to look at me in a different light.”
Chapter Nine
It wasn’t her usual practice to visit clients in hospital, but for Mary Stevens, Amy made an exception. The woman had been a patient at the clinic for over five years, and Amy knew her well. Knew the incredible lengths Mary had gone to in order to fall pregnant and the heartbreaking agony she’d experienced with each failed attempt. She had a pretty good idea how Mary felt after the birth of her healthy baby boy. For this one time, it was appropriate to visit the hospital.
Besides, it would do her the world of good to move away from the chaos of her disordered thoughts about Daniel to the chaos of the maternity ward where Mary lay, happy, content, and tired.
Amy was plain tired. Tired of wondering what the hell to do about Daniel. Of dreaming and fantasizing about him. Of wanting him and not wanting to want him. What a messed-up bitch of a situation. She wished they could go back to what they’d been before. Friends.
She wasn’t particularly thrilled by his request that she look at him in a different light. She’d been doing her best to switch that damn light off. There were suddenly too many unexpected dynamics happening in their friendship. Too many physical interactions. Whenever they touched of late, no matter how meaningless the gesture, sparks flared. The usual jokes and teasing were now supercharged with sexual tension. The air between them seemed to shimmer with unspoken lust and desire.
Lust and desire did not fare well with platonic friendship. Perhaps if Daniel had mentioned a shift in his emotions, or made her feel she was somehow different from the women he usually dated, she’d be less reluctant to become involved with him. But truthfully, she didn’t believe he could separate her from his long string of lovers.
She couldn’t help but remember his words on the Coogee promenade, when she’d tried to rationalize away their behavior at his exhibition. Couldn’t forget the laughter in his eyes, or the impish grin that teased her as he’d asked, “Are you saying you want a long-term commitment from me?” As if the very idea was hilarious.
In Daniel’s opinion, it was.
Was she willing to take the risk? No way.
It’s what made her situation so unbearable. While she wasn’t prepared to become his lover, fucking him was practically the only thing she thought about. Night after night, awake or asleep, she’d lie in bed dreaming about him. Images of him consumed her. Dressed, naked, wearing a towel, kissing her mouth, kissing her breasts, kissing her intimately. Making love to her.
Wherever she went, she saw him. She mistook strangers for her best friend. As soon as she blinked and her vision cleared, she realized she was being foolish. But it was how she lived at the moment—in a state of perpetual arousal, with her body a voracious pit of desire.
She didn’t want their relationship to change. Had no yearning for the added complication of sex. All she wanted was the same old friendship they always had. Period.
Amy closed the door to Mary’s room and left the maternity ward. She yawned. The situation between her and Daniel was all messed up. She was losing sleep over the man. What she needed right now was a good dose of caffeine. It was only noon, and she still had the rest of the day to get through.
As she walked into the hospital coffee shop, she cursed herself for tumbling into another one of her daydreams. Sitting at a table, innocently drinking a Coke, was none other than the cause of all her grief.
However, no matter how many times she blinked, Daniel’s features did not change. It took her a good couple of seconds to realize she was staring at the real thing and not some conjured vision of him.
“Danny?”
He looked up and his eyes flashed with surprise a heartbeat before a very wicked smile spread across his face. “Hey, babe.”
Uh-oh. She’d seen that smile before. Alarm bells shrieked in her head as he stood, his eyes gleaming with intent.
“What are you doing here?”
“Visiting.” His voice was low and seductive. The bells rang louder. “Come here. Let me say a proper hello.” And right there in the middle of the hospital canteen, he took her hand, pulled her close, and kissed her.
Had he completely lost his mind? Oh God, did it even matter?
Amy simply melted, her body liquefying. Chaste as his kiss was, his lips were warm and sexy and held a hint of a million forbidden fantasies. In the space of a couple of seconds, she identified
every single one of them.
Then Daniel pulled away and it was over. Well, for him, maybe. Her knees were weak, and she was left craving more. Much, much more.
Holy crap. What was it about Daniel and kissing her in public? He seemed to be developing a bit of a thing for it. Never mind public places—what was he doing kissing her, period? She agreed to think about him differently, not act differently toward him.
Her temper simmered. Of all the inappropriate places for him to try his luck. They were in a hospital. “What the hell—”
He cut her off with his mouth, kissing her until the last drop of anger drained from her body and she clutched him helplessly. His taste lingered on her tongue when he withdrew. It had become familiar. Too familiar. Friends shouldn’t recognize each other’s flavor. Then again, his mouth wasn’t the only taste she was familiar with, was it?
Bottom line, she’d sampled several parts of Daniel, and each one was better than the last. She’d never forget the tang of his desire for her, not when she’d relished every last drop. She licked her lips as the salty memory of Daniel’s come filled her mouth, replacing the sweetness of the Coke he’d been drinking.
A soft, strangled groan came from Daniel. “Christ, babe. Are you trying to give me a heart attack?”
She poked his chest. “You kissed me.”
“Yeah, but that look in your eyes. You’re begging to be—”
“Daniel?”
A voice from Daniel’s table broke into their conversation.
Leona Ramsey sat there, looking pissed off. “I thought you were having coffee with me?”
So that explained Daniel’s irrational behavior. Amy could almost hear the pieces of the puzzle clicking into place. Leona was Daniel’s married admirer. No wonder he’d kissed her.
“Sorry ’bout that.” Daniel smiled. He didn’t appear the least bit apologetic. “Here, let me introduce the two of you.” He held Amy’s hand. “Amy, this is Leona Ramsey, a pediatrician from POWS. Leona, this is Amy Morgan, my…friend.”
Amy struggled to regain her composure.
It wasn’t easy. First of all, she was hot and bothered. Second, Daniel was hard and bothered. Third, Leona Ramsey was having a drink with Daniel, and that was plain bothersome. Amy hadn’t even noticed her sitting there. Not surprising considering she’d developed tunnel vision around Daniel. He was the only thing she ever saw nowadays—real or imagined.