The Baby Arrangement (A Winston Brother's Novel #1)

by J. L. Beck

  “You don’t hurt people you love,” I tell him sadly.

  “That’s bullshit and you know it. We’re human, and we always hurt the people we love the most because we know they’ll forgive us.” He’s adamant that this is true, but I’m not sure. As much as I want to argue with him though, I don’t. I’m too tired, too broken.

  Realizing an argument with me is futile, Ryker leads me out of the bathroom and over to the couch. He sits, pulling me down beside him and turning on the TV. Once he finds something to watch, he pulls a blanket over me and puts an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into the warmth of his body. He’s not Reed though, and I realize that further with the way he holds me. It doesn’t stop my eyes from growing heavy, and I long to give into the promise of sleep, and the oblivion it will bring.

  For at least a few hours I can forget everything that’s happened today, because in my dreams Reed and I are happy, in love and rejoicing over the new life that we’ve created.

  Because in my dreams he loves me as much as I love him.

  It’s hard to see through my rage. My body is vibrating and my hands won’t stop shaking while I drive to the office. Fallon’s words swirl around inside my head even though I try my damnedest to forget them.

  Insecurities are a real bitch, and when it comes to Fallon I can’t help but wonder if she’s right. The results of the test won’t change anything between us. I still wouldn’t be man enough to let go of my fears and claim her as my woman.

  Baby or not, I’m still caught up in my fear of losing her. Fuck. I pound my fist against the steering wheel feeling like a complete asshole. There’s no doubt Fallon deserves better than me, it’s just a matter of me admitting it out loud.

  I pull into the parking garage and take my regular spot right up front, before killing the engine. My body sags against the leather seat, tears stinging my eyes. I feel weak. Useless. Like a complete jackass. And every time I close my eyes, even for a second, all I can see is Fallon’s face when she realized I was actually going to leave her.

  I pushed things too far, blaming her for things that aren’t her fault. I acted like this entire ordeal was on her, all because I was upset about her taking the test without me. She never even said she did. Fuck me. My own stupidity is making everything worse. I accused her, assumed she did something wrong without any real cause, and now I’m not sure she’ll ever forgive me.

  Using the back of my hand, I wipe my eyes, not wanting to show even a smidge of weakness to my father. I might be here to ask for advice, but I don’t need him to assume that I’m a pussy.

  The building is quiet when I walk inside, so it only takes me a matter of minutes to make it to the top floor. Any other time, it’d take forever.

  I know better than to attempt to show up at my parents’ house. It’s not like Dad will be there anyway. Ever since Mom died he’s been sleeping in his office more than their bed at home. The business is his life, his baby even, more than my brothers and me.

  Their voices reach me before I see them, adding to the storm brewing inside me. The last thing I need is someone else here to watch me suffer a nervous breakdown. When I storm into the room, I’m not all that shocked to see Ryker and my father discussing something to do with the company.

  Air can’t fill my lungs fast enough, and I pace the floor, anger and pain simmering deep in my chest. Would it be easier to tell Fallon I love her if I was more like Ryker?

  “Son.” My father’s deep voice pulls me through the hazy fog of rage. “It’s great to see you, but I’m assuming you didn’t show up here just so you could pace the floor?” I lift my eyes from the floor, to where my father is standing in front of me, a sympathetic look on his face. I can feel Ryker staring at me, but I don’t bother to acknowledge him. I’ll just pretend he’s not here.

  “No. Fallon and I had a fight. I’ve fucked up so bad and I don’t know how to fix it.” I cover my face with my hands, not realizing how desperate I sound until the words have already come out. Dad wraps his arms around me, and while normally, I would pull away, I need the comfort right now.

  “I said a bunch of shit I can’t take back and blamed her for things that aren’t her fault. Now I’m going to lose her because I’m too fucking stupid to realize what I’ve got right in front of me.” I kick one of the office chairs in a fit of rage, and the piece of junk flies across the room and hits the wall. The sound resonates through me.

  Dad and Ryker exchange a look, and before I can say anything, Dad is leading me over to the couch while Ryker packs up his laptop. He gives me a tight-lipped smile as he walks out, but I know it’s all for show. Ryker doesn’t care about my emotions or the pressure that sits on my shoulders.

  When the door closes, and my brother is out of sight, Dad finally speaks, “So, you had a fight? Lots of couples have fights. Hell, your mother and I used to fight all the time.” He smiles, but it doesn’t brighten his eyes. He just looks sad, tired too.

  “We aren’t a couple, and I’m too fucking scared to admit things are changing between us. That this arrangement, this fucking stipulation you put on me has changed us.” My voice rises with each word, and I realize then that I’m shouting at him.

  He sighs. “I didn’t make this a stipulation to make your life harder.” Taking a seat on one of the chairs that overlook the skyline of the city, he reaches forward to grab my hands.

  “Really? Because it seems like you did. You knew I had no other choice. Dad, you knew I wasn’t ready to have a baby or get married, so you forced my hand, putting the company on the line if I didn’t follow through.” The rage I was feeling earlier comes back full force, and I know I’m being an ass, looking for anything to bitch about. I’m so fed up with keeping my emotions at bay. If Mom was here none of this would be happening.

  He shakes his head sadly. “I didn’t make you do anything, Reed. I simply gave you the resources to make things happen. I’m tired of watching you and Fallon dance around each other, and I knew without a serious ultimatum you wouldn’t do anything.” I blink, suddenly feeling even angrier.

  “You what?” I can’t even begin to comprehend what he’s saying. “You put this whole plan in motion assuming I would pick Fallon?”

  The look he gives me tells me he thinks I’m an idiot. “Of course I did, son. I’ve been watching the two of you do this whole push and pull thing with each other for years. Neither of you wanted to take the leap, and I knew you would never make a move without being pushed into it. Forcing your hand gave you the nudge you needed, since I knew you wouldn’t just let the company fall into a rival’s hands. Why do you think I picked Ryan? I know how you feel about him.”

  My mouth drops open at his words, and I can’t do anything but stare at him in shock. He really did plan this out with the intention I would knock up my best friend.

  I don’t know what to say to him. I want to be pissed, I want to yell at him, but the words won’t come. I can’t think about how much his little plan has changed my life right now.

  “Reed…” His voice trails off, and again, I notice how run down he looks. Even with all the hours he’s worked since Mom died, I’ve never seen him look so exhausted.

  Rubbing the bridge of his nose with one hand, I can tell he’s trying to put his thoughts into words. Seeing him this way gives me a sense of foreboding, and I know I’m not going to like whatever it is he’s about to say. I brace myself for the worst, the anger I was feeling only moments ago fizzles out, and in its place fear blossoms.

  “What is it?” I ask hesitantly, even though I’m not sure I want to know. My gut is screaming at me, telling me to shut up, but the words are already out. I can’t take them back.

  Based on the look on his face, he wants to tell me about as much as I want to know, and he sits silently for so long I begin to fidget, tension filling my body. Finally, his dull eyes meet mine and my heart races as I wait for him to finally speak.

  “I’m sick, Reed.” The words cling to my skin, and my stomach drops to the floor. I
’m instantly taken back to when he and Mom sat the three of us down to tell us she had cancer. They were so confident she would beat it, that it would be so easy to overcome, as if it was just another stepping stone, another part of life. Not even a year later we were putting her in the ground.

  My voice is shaky when I ask, “Sick? What kind of sick? How long have you known?” The questions come faster than I can think of them. It’s like my head and mouth is disconnected, and my mouth is spouting off all the things I’m afraid to ask.

  He breaks our eye contact, looking out the window to where we can see the brightly lit city skyline, unable to look at me when he destroys my world...for the second time tonight.

  “The kind of sick where you won’t get better.” He’s so resigned. I hate it.

  Is he just going to give up? It sounds like he’s giving up hope, like he’s just going to let go.

  I can’t keep from voicing the accusation. “So, what? You’re just going to accept it? You’re just going to accept death and call it a day?”

  When he doesn’t immediately answer, I push up out of my seat and start pacing again. I can’t believe he would just give up like this. He wants me to have a baby, one he may not even be here to see? What kind of sense does that make? Suddenly everything is piling up on me, and I feel like I can’t breathe.

  I’m so angry. Between the fight with Fallon and this information from Dad, I feel like I’m spiraling out of control, one second away from jumping into the abyss.

  “Sit down, Reed,” he commands, and when I turn to face him, he’s holding out a shaky hand, pointing to the spot where I was sitting only a few moments ago.

  I almost defy him, but he’s my father, and I’ve been taught to obey him since birth, so I fall into the cushion like a sullen teenager, my shoulders slumped in defeat.

  He leans forward, his eyes locked on mine and the look in them is fierce. I wish he’d put all this fight towards whatever is wrong with him, instead of using it to boss me around like the child I no longer am.

  “It’s not that I don’t want to fight, that I’m just accepting what the doctor’s say and lying down to die.” He looks almost disappointed in me. “You know me better than that, son. I’ve seen all the doctors, I’ve tried all the treatments. The cancer just isn’t responding anymore. They didn’t even find it until it had already progressed to stage four. Spending my last weeks on earth having some nurse come in here and empty a colostomy bag because I had the surgery they wanted me to have isn’t my idea of a good time.” One side of his mouth lifts in a sad smile.

  I can’t let this be how it ends for him, for our family.

  “Dad…” I start to protest, but he cuts me off.

  “I don’t have a lot of time left, Reed, and I don’t want to spend what little time I do have watching you make an ass out of yourself.” His voice is chastising, and I slump further into the cushion.

  Narrowing his eyes, he lays it out for me. “Stop being stupid.”

  I almost laugh at the phrase he’s said to me and my brothers so many times over the years, but the situation is too serious and I’m still a little shell-shocked. “You and I both know you’ve loved that girl since the first time you saw her.” Dad reaches out a hand and squeezes my knee. “She’s always been the girl you were meant to be with, and I wish you didn’t see so much of what happened to me when your mom died. I was wrong to lean on you so much, to force you to grow up much too fast. It hardened you when you didn’t need to be hard.”

  My hand covers his, and I start to shake my head in denial, but he doesn’t let me speak. “Get your head out of your ass and go tell her how you feel. If you don’t, she’ll find someone who will. Don’t let your fear control you, Reed. You’re so much braver than you think.”

  “I’ve fucked up so badly though. I’m not even sure she’ll want me anymore.”

  My father smiles, and my chest tightens. “It won’t be the first time, or last time you do either. All that matters is that you go back to her, always. You make the wrong right, and you move on, because I’ll be the first to tell you nothing in this life is worth staying angry about. You love her, and you know she loves you, too.”

  I clench my jaw, because he’s right. I know I’ve got to do this, not just for me, or Fallon, but for my father. and possibly our baby too. She deserves all of me, not the watered down version I’ve been giving her because I’m scared. Fallon has always been there for me, always loved me, and now that he’s pointed it out I can see it all so clearly.

  It’s like the fog has lifted from my eyes. My heart pounds in my ears and I know what I have to do to make things right. Once I’ve made the decision, I can’t sit still. All I want is to find Fallon and tell her how I feel, to show her how much she means to me.

  “I’ve got to go Dad. I’ve got to tell her, I’ve got to make her mine before it’s too late.” I feel almost jittery with the need to say the words, and I stand, wanting to be out of here and back with her.

  His hand on my arm stops me, and when I turn back to face him, he’s holding a small black ring box in his other hand and smiling up at me. “Take this. Your mother would have wanted you to have it. She loved that girl, too.”

  I pause, staring down at the ring that’s now been placed into my hand and when I open the box, I can’t help but smile. The ring is perfect for Fallon. It’s simple and elegant, but the three-carat diamond is big enough to let everyone know she’s taken. I snap the box closed and shove it in my pocket before bending to give my father a swift hug.

  “Thanks, Dad,” I murmur, my voice thick with emotion.

  “I love you, Reed,” he says in return, his own voice catching. “Now, go get your girl.”

  And I know now, deep in my heart I can do this. The fear I felt before was just another mountain I needed to climb.

  Fallon’s mine, and she will be for the rest of my life.

  “I love you too, Dad.” I throw the words over my shoulder, speaking them for the first time since Mom’s death. He nods his head in acknowledgment, and I swear as I walk out of the room I see tears filling his eyes and I feel each one in my heart.

  The love he has for me, his belief in me, pushes me forward and I make my way out to the car, to devise a plan to win back the woman of my dreams.

  Bang. Bang. Bang. The noise resonates through me as if it’s part of my actual heartbeat. My eyes blink open, registering the heat against my body, and I realize Ryker and I must’ve fallen asleep sometime in the middle of the TV show.

  The sun peeks in through the window, blinding me, and telling me it’s already morning.

  Oh shit!

  A loud pounding against the front door startles me from my spot on the couch and I run to the door, opening it as fast as I can. A groan comes from behind me, as if the banging is waking Ryker up too. My eyes collide with a pair of ocean blue ones, ones I didn’t think I would see again, and my body sways. There’s too much going on, it’s too soon.

  “What the hell, Fallon?” Ryker speaks sternly as he rushes me, his footsteps faltering when he realizes it’s only Reed. The look in Reed’s eyes says it all. He’s angry, and maybe even sad too. Then, I remember everything that took place yesterday, the pregnancy test, the storming out on me when I needed him most. Those memories cause me to grip the door handle tightly and suddenly, slamming it in his face starts to sound like a good idea.

  “Can I come in, please?” His voice breaks, and I worry he may think something was going on between Ryker and I. Then again, do I really care to correct him?

  Of course I do. I might be mad at the asshole, but I still love him.

  I gesture for him to come in, and Ryker takes a step back, giving him barely enough room to step inside. When I close the door behind me, I feel the tension rise. The temperature in the room seems to rise a hundred degrees.

  “I’m just going to leave. I didn’t plan on staying all night.” Ryker admits, slipping into his shoes and grabbing his jacket before Reed or I can say a single wor
d. A pounding headache forms behind my eyes. It’s too early to argue, hell, it’s too early to even speak.

  “Okay, thanks for everything.” I try to smile, but it falls flat when I notice the bags beneath Reed’s eyes. Were they there yesterday? I rub the sleep from my eyes, staring at him for a long moment.

  “Of course, Fal. Call if you need anything.” With a quick kiss on my cheek, Ryker is gone, leaving Reed and I alone together for the first time since last night. I sigh, scrubbing a hand down my face. Thirst overrides everything else and I leave Reed in the entry so I can pour myself a glass of orange juice.

  Baby must really be thirsty, I think to myself.

  “I’m sorry.” Reed blurts out.

  I hold the glass against my lips, my eyes never wavering from his.

  “I’m sorry for being so dumb, for assuming the worst, and for not being here for you when you needed me most.” I place my cup onto the counter, afraid I may drop it onto the floor from the shaking in my hands. I don’t know if I’m scared, overwhelmed with emotion, or just shocked to hear Reed apologize. Tears sting my eyes, and I try my best to blink them away.

  I will be strong. I will be strong.

  “You don’t have to grovel, Reed. I don’t need or want an apology from you. I know where we both stand and that’s fine. I just think you should know…” Before I can finish what I want to say, Reed’s towering over me, his face inches from mine as his hands come up to cup my cheeks softly. The unexpected move steals the breath from my lungs.

  “Before you finish, I need to tell you something.” He sounds so serious that I bite my bottom lip and nod my head. His fingers warm my body, sending tingles of pleasure down my spine. I’m not sure what happened after he left here last night, but he’s acting like a totally different person. I mean, he’s normally intense, but this is a whole other level.

  His touch awakens the need that only he stirs inside me. In his presence, I’m under a spell that can’t be broken. I’m his.