I got her message loud and clear. The awesome support we got at the District Donnybrook was because of our tall, Swedish, lead singer. Without him, we’d just be another band. I was in a bit of a pickle. Olaf’s Army was the key to our success. I had to keep them happy, even if it meant making Daniela hobnob with her fans.
“I’ll make sure he’s there,” I told them.
Daniela was going to kill me!
In the end, I was the only one who met with Principal Losman. Sludge and Eldrick had their mysterious tutoring session. Beena and Meena were busy giving an interview to the school newspaper. And Daniela was too furious to speak to anyone.
“I am not going to any stupid party as Olaf,” she had huffed when I told her. “I don’t speak Swedish and I don’t want Janine Stroop hanging off of me.” She stomped off angrily. I headed to the office by myself.
Principal Losman led me into his room. “Congratulations on your victory.”
“Thanks,” I said. “And thanks for letting us celebrate during last period tomorrow.”
“That’s what I want to talk to you about,” said Principal Losman, getting straight to the point.
“Adam,” started Prinicpal Losman. His tone made me think of my parents—not a good thing. “Maybe it’s time to end this charade. The school is going wild for a student who doesn’t even exist. I think it’s becoming too much.”
Janine’s words, “It’s called Olaf’s Army, not Adam’s Army,” echoed in my mind. I knew what would happen if our hoax was revealed.
“Please, Principal Losman,” I begged, “let Sick on a Snow Day compete in the City Championship with Olaf as lead singer. I know I promised you he would be 33,000 feet in the air right now, but I never expected to make it this far. Daniela still needs him. Our band still needs him. The whole school is supporting our group, and Olaf is the star attraction. Please let us take the final step. We’ve worked so hard—all of us. And nothing’s ever meant more to me.” And I meant it.
Principal Losman looked thoughtful for a moment. “In the nine months that I’ve known you, Adam, you’ve been in my office quite a few times. I have to say, it’s nice to see you getting involved in an appropriate school activity. Your teachers are still concerned about your tendency to daydream in class, but so far, your marks are holding steady. And, albeit in a strange way, you’re demonstrating some fine leadership skills.” He took a deep breath.
“School spirit has definitely been high over the past few weeks, too. That’s certainly worth something. So, let’s play it by ear for the next little while. Olaf is welcome to appear at the rally tomorrow—but then you’ll need to send him off on a field trip for a few days.”
“Thanks, Principal Losman,” I said as he shook my hand. “We’ll keep everything under control. I promise!”
So, Olaf’s invitation was extended! Now I just had to figure out what to do about the assembly. And Daniela.
It was party time! The gym was packed when we arrived. Since we were being treated like rock stars, we decided to act like rock stars. Instead of going through the front doors, we snuck through the back and took the stage. The curtain was drawn. Had it been open, all of Wilcott would have seen that we were ready to rock. It was Eldrick’s idea to treat the school to a quick set of songs. As much as I hated to admit it, it was a great idea: It gave Olaf maximum separation from his adoring fans and made it easier for us to keep up our end of the bargain with Principal Losman. Olaf could appear onstage and sing, but then he had to disappear. Even Daniela was convinced that the plan was solid, so she had agreed to perform.
On cue, the room went black. Meena drew back the curtains and picked up her guitar. Olaf grabbed the mike and the crowd went crazy. Daniela was worried about being recognized so Olaf was wearing his signature over-sized shades and a funky scarf. Beena had wound the scarf so far up his neck that it covered his chin. Combined with the huge sunglasses, it made an effective disguise. We breezed through “Detention Blues.”
I knew Lisa planned to present Olaf with flowers after the show. But I was ready to foil her plan. We launched into “Big Elephants Can Always Understand Small Elephants.” Olaf sounded great. He got to the final chorus and belted it out: Big Elephants Can Always Understand Small Elephants. Yeah Yeah Yeah...
Suddenly, the curtain was drawn again. When it opened again, Sick on a Snow Day was a five-piece orchestra. Olaf was nowhere to be seen.
Lisa approached the stage with a big bouquet of flowers. Confused, she looked around the stage. She climbed over Sludge’s drum kit and under my keyboard. But her search turned up empty. Olaf had left the building.
“Where is he?” she whined.
“I’m sorry,” I said into the microphone so the whole school could hear, “but Olaf has an appointment for a Swedish massage and sauna.”
A big sigh of disappointment travelled through the room. I cleared my throat to get everyone’s attention. “He said to tell you he was sorry, but it’s very important that Swedish rock stars have massages and saunas to keep them in good rocking condition. He says he’ll see you at the City Championship. Go Wilcott!”
Just mentioning the final talent competition brightened the mood of the room.
“We had a special surprise for Olaf,” said a visibly disappointed Lisa. “We’ll just have to give it to the rest of the band. Sarah, unveil the table.”
At the back of the room, Sarah pulled a sheet off a long table. I couldn’t see what was on the table but I could tell from the gasps of my classmates that whatever sat there wasn’t anything normally found at J.R. Wilcott. Sludge, Eldrick, the twins, and I gingerly made our way to the table. There sat some of the strangest-looking things I had ever seen. I thought it was food but I wasn’t one-hundred percent sure.
“Ugh, take a whiff,” said Sludge holding his nose.
Something on the table smelled revolting. Like a gross mixture of dirty diapers and smelly socks. I looked at Sludge. He looked terrified. Lisa and Sarah, on the other hand, looked delighted.
“We thought Olaf might be a bit homesick,” said Lisa smiling. “So we surfed the internet to find out what foods are popular in Sweden. Our plan was to surprise him with a buffet of his favourite food. A smorgasbord—just like at home!”
“What, uh, is this stuff?” I said, trying not to gag. I did my best not to breathe through my nose.
She pointed to a grey, fishy-looking thing that sat on a limp piece of dark brown bread. It looked raw. “Herring on rye—Stockholm style!” We must have looked clueless, because she continued her explanation. “Salted fish with onions, served on a lard spread.”
Eww!
Beside that was a mushy, brown concoction sprinkled with red blotches. “Liver pate with red beets.”
No explanation needed there! The last item on the table was the one stinking up the room. To my eye, it looked like cheese but, with a stench like that, I wasn’t positive. The only cheese I ate came with macaroni. The room fell silent as Janine introduced the mystery item.
“We read that they eat a lot of old, smelly cheeses in Sweden, so we got the stinkiest one we could find: finely-aged Limburger.” She sounded very proud of herself.
“Well?” said Lisa as she looked directly at me. I glanced nervously at Sludge for support.
“He is your cousin,” said Janine. Worried, I looked at the twins for help.
Sarah was direct. “We went through all this trouble for Olaf and he’s not here. Someone’s got to try the smorgasbord...and since you’re the one who’s related to him, it might as well be you.” I tried desperately to make eye-contact with Eldrick. “Dig in,” said Sarah handing me a piece of slimy herring.
All of Wilcott was silently watching me. I swallowed hard and forced a tight smile. It was important I keep Olaf’s Army happy—at least until the City Championship was over. Janine, Sarah and Lisa would be insulted if I didn’t sample their hard work. I was backed into a corner—a disgustingly smelly corner! The rest of Sick on a Snow Day looked on helplessly. I
glanced at the herring in my hand. A purple onion dangled limply from its side. Closing my eyes, I put the fish in my mouth. I put it as far back on my tongue as it would go. My grand plan was to eat the slithery fish without chewing it. One huge gulp later, the herring was gone.
Sludge gave me a pat on the back. “One down, two to go. You can do it!” he whispered in encouragement.
Next up was the liver and beets. Quickly, I slid it down my throat before it had a chance to infiltrate my taste buds. Done! Disgusting but done!
The final act was now: the super-smelly, nasty Limburger cheese. I was up to the challenge of slimy herring and mushy liver, but stinky cheese was another story. I wasn’t a big fan of cheese. I rarely ate the stuff, even when it was the non-smelly, boring, yellow kind. I cut myself a little piece. My eyes started to water from the smell. But I continued. Sick on a Snow Day was worth a mouthful of grossness. Slowly, I brought the stink bomb of cheese to my lips. I caught another whiff and started to feel dizzy. I wanted to go through with it, but my mouth wouldn’t open.
Suddenly, a cold hand grabbed the cheese away from me.
“I love smelly cheese,” said a high-pitched voice. “It would be my honour to sample the Limburger.”
It was Eldrick. He was saving me! I rubbed my eyes into focus and looked at him. Eldrick didn’t look like he loved Limburger cheese. In fact, he looked a little green. But, standing as tall as he could, he brought the stinky stuff to his mouth. And then he ate it. Coughing and gagging, Eldrick tried his best not spit the Limburger out on Janine’s shoes. Thinking quickly, Sludge handed him a bottle of juice. Eldrick downed the whole bottle and then stood up straight.
The room burst into applause. “Speech! Speech!” demanded the crowd.
Eldrick did not look up to giving a speech. I grabbed the microphone instead.
“A big thanks to everyone for showing up for this great party,” I started. “It’s great to have everyone’s support. I want to thank Janine, Lisa and Sarah for going through all the trouble of creating a traditional Swedish smorgasbord. I can’t wait to see the look on Olaf’s face when I show him all these, er, delicious leftovers.”
I also needed to thank someone else important—the guy who saved me from the killer cheese—but I would do that privately after school. For now, I just gave Eldrick a smile. I knew what he had done for me. And after he finished his fourth bottle of juice, he smiled back.
The City Championship was right around the corner and Sick on a Snow Day was ready. Daniela was feeling comfortable and confident as “Olaf.” And Eldrick and I were getting along very well. He was full of helpful tips. He suggested that Sludge add a bongo drum to his percussion kit. The two of them spent hours picking out the perfect bongo.
His study tips kept me in the band. For some strange reason, Eldrick seemed to take quite an interest in my grades—and I couldn’t complain. With the exception of math, I was breezing through all of my tests and assignments. He was always careful to offer suggestions to the whole band, but we all knew whose musical fate depended on a B-average. Mine!
“HOMES,” he told us one day. “HOMES is the key to the geography test. Each letter stands for one of the Great Lakes.”
Today, Eldrick came to practice spouting nonsense. “Mary Very Easily Makes Jam Saturday Unless No Plums.”
“A new song?” asked Daniela.
He kept repeating the gobbledy-gook until we were all chanting the nonsense.
“Great,” he told me after practice. “Now you know all of the planets. Mars, Venus, Earth, Mercury, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto. You’ll ace the science test.
“I thought Pluto’s not a planet anymore,” piped up Sludge. “Heard it got downgraded to a dwarf planet or something.”
“True, Sludge, but—” started Eldrick.
I interrupted before Eldrick could respond to Sludge. The study tips were great and all, but we had a city championship to win. We needed to forget about the Milky Way and focus on music.
“I’ve been working on a new song!” I told everyone. “I think it’s got potential. It’s dark and moody.” I played a simple intro on the piano.
Attacked by a herring while everyone was staring
Choking back mushy liver as I try not to quiver
Oh taste buds, can you forgive?
No more slimy fish for as long as I live...
“That’s all I’ve got so far,” I told my friends.
“Very dark, very moody,” agreed Daniela.
“I wrote a new song, too,” said Sludge. He played us a few bars of “To Ink or Not to Ink.”
“It’s a look into the world of tattoos,” he explained.
Every member of Sick on a Snow Day wanted to write the song that would win the City Championship. Next up were the Z’s who had written a bouncy number about being identical twins called “Joined at the Hip.”
“Time for my song,” said Eldrick cheerfully. “I haven’t given it a title yet.”
Sludge was the best songwriter in the band but Eldrick was proving to be a close second. Being nerdy, he had a huge vocabulary and a way with words. Though his speaking voice was high and squeaky, his singing voice was surprisingly deep.
It’s night time and there you are lying awake—
Tomorrow you are going to make a giant mistake
Sometimes it’s hard to face the terrors
Of a test filled with red-marked errors
Something about this song was starting to bug me.
He was going to cheat on the test he wanted to ace
But in the end, he couldn’t go through with the disgrace
Eldrick was singing about me! Sludge and the Z’s had also figured it out. They looked nervous as he sang the chorus:
Let me suggest (la la la)
How you can ace the test (la la la)
Don’t let yourself go astray (la la la)
Just so you can get an A (la la la)—
“That’s ENOUGH!!” I exploded.
“Wait!” protested Eldrick. “You haven’t heard the whole thing yet! Wait until you hear the rest!”
Daniela spoke gently but firmly. “Eldrick, why would Adam want to hear a song about how he got into so much trouble—especially from the guy who got him into the trouble?”
“I uh, I...it wasn’t my....I didn’t mean...” he blustered. “But there’s no cheating—”
I’d heard enough. “I thought we were finally friends! You ate stinky cheese for me! And now you want to sing this and embarrass me in front of the whole city? Some friend.”
“I...I...it wasn’t to embarrass you, Adam,” whispered Eldrick. Near tears, he fumbled to explain himself. “I...uh...tried...meaningful lyrics. Just let me finish.”
“Eldrick,” Daniela interrupted gently. “I think you’ve sung enough for now.”
We all stood in an awkward silence. I refused to look at Eldrick.
“I guess you want me to leave?” he asked dully.
“I’ll say we do,” I fumed. The rest of the band stood there mutely.
“What are we going to do?” asked Daniela when he was finally gone.
It was a tough decision. On the one hand, we didn’t want to mess with a winning formula. Eldrick was a good songwriter and a top-notch percussionist. On the other hand, just when I thought we had made peace, he’d tried to humiliate me again.
“My vote is to kick him out,” I said. I knew I sounded harsh, but I was still smarting over his song. My cheeks were burning with embarrassment.
“What he did was pretty dumb,” said Beena, “but he does come up with ways for you to pass your tests. Are you sure you want to kick him out so close to the City Championship?”
Sludge had an idea. “Can we give him some sort of detention for screwing up?” He had a lot of experience in detentions. “Something like a detention suspension?”
“Good idea,” said Daniela, “We can suspend him for a few practices and then bring him back for the City Championship.”
After taking a vote, we decided to suspend Eldrick for three practices. I had pushed for ten but the rest of the band talked me out of it.
“We don’t have ten practices before the contest,” pointed out the twins.
Daniela went to break the news to Eldrick. The whole episode put me in a bad mood.
“Use your negative energy, dude,” said Sludge.
I grabbed a pen and paper, hoping to churn out a dark but catchy song.
The timing couldn’t have been worse for Eldrick’s suspension. Mr. Papernick set the big algebra test for the day before the City Championship. I tried to talk him out of it.
“Can’t you make it the day after?” I begged.
Mr. Papernick wouldn’t budge. And he wasn’t moved by my offer to dedicate our next song to him.
My parents had the same reaction. “You need to get a B on the test. Rules are rules.”
“Even though the City Championship is the next day?” I asked.
“Especially because the championship is the next day. This will help you learn how to manage your time and focus on what’s important.”
Time management and focusing? Sometimes my parents spoke in a strange language. I knew what was important to me. The City Championship had a cash prize.
“I have the chance to win a thousand dollars and buy you something really nice,” I told my mother.
She gave me her special look: a combination of “stop pushing your luck” and “I’ve had enough.” Although my brother, Josh, had been given this look before, it was my first time. I slunk out of the room without saying another word.
“How can they expect me to concentrate on a math test when the biggest day of my life is right around the corner?” I complained to Daniela.
“Maybe you can write a song about it?” she suggested. “Call it ‘Full Circle.’ You got into this mess because you focused only on the band and ignored a math test and now you desperately need to ace a math test to stay in the band.”
“I think it’s so unfair,” I said, ignoring her. “I’ve done everything they asked. I can spell dessert. I can spell desert. I know the difference between principle and principal. They know math is my weakness. Order of operations? Ugh! What am I going to do?”
The BEDMAS Conspiracy Page 7