What’s wrong with me? I should be able to handle this situation. But even those thoughts caused her heart to beat a little harder and her breathing to accelerate. Having spent numerous years in the company of panic attacks, Eleanor knew she needed to slow her breathing and take in deeper breaths. As she did this, the tingling sensations that ran up and down her arms ceased and she started to relax.
This is all about Jana. If Jana weren’t coming here, I wouldn’t be feeling like this. The thought made Eleanor angry. My life has been spent in relative peace these last years. Why does she have to change all of that now? Why can’t she run to a friend? But even as she asked herself the question, Eleanor knew the answer. She’d never taught Jana to have friends. In fact, she’d warned her daughter that whenever the moment presented itself, she should trust no one.
“You’ve done this to yourself, Eleanor. You have no one else to blame. If you hadn’t been so convinced that friendships and relationships were dangerous, then maybe you wouldn’t have insisted that Jana feel the same way.” Eleanor spoke as if there were another person in the room. It was the way she often addressed herself, scolding and rebuking as though speaking to a rebellious child.
The spell passed but left her feeling weak, spent. She sat up and pressed her fingers against her temples. “I won’t let this happen. I won’t allow Jana’s problems to completely upset my life. I need peace and order, and I will have it. Or . . . I’ll move back to New York and Jana can be Taffy’s companion.”
Eleanor forced herself to get to her feet. She put her toe to the lever on the vacuum and went to work. She felt better just knowing there was a way out. After all, she’d been happy in New York. She still went back to check on the shop four times a year. It wouldn’t be hard at all to move back. She had rented out her house there and the lease was up in two months. Perhaps she could even pay the tenants something to move early.
Her mind clicked into high speed, and with it, all feelings of helplessness passed. She had the room vacuumed and mopped in less than twenty minutes, then hauled the supplies and bedding downstairs without giving her daughter another thought.
I have a contingency plan, she told herself. I’ll set it in motion, and if I need it, I’ll use it. I won’t be a victim. I don’t have to be a victim anymore.
Eleven
Jana’s first glimpse of Aunt Taffy’s house brought back a surge of painful memories from the previous Christmas. She’d talked Rob into making her first and only trip to Lomara in hopes of creating a tie to the only living relatives she had. Her mother had immediately thought it a suspicious attempt to spy. Jana could hear the accusations even now.
“I suppose you’ve come to see what might be in this for you,” had been one of her mother’s first statements, followed by, “We don’t need you here, and there isn’t any chance of you and your husband getting your hands on Taffy’s wealth. Perhaps it would be best if you just gave her the gifts you’ve brought and left.”
Jana shut the engine off and stared at the house. No doubt there would be new accusations, new hurtful comments. If there had been any other way, she told herself, I never would have come. No one is foolish enough to put themselves through that kind of pain for no good reason.
But of course, she had a good reason. The child she carried needed to be cared for properly, and Jana had no chance of doing that on her own. She wasn’t one who could easily admit defeat, but in this moment, Jana was certain she had lost not only the battle, but also the war to come.
Stepping from the car, Jana looked at the three-story house. She recalled that Taffy referred to it as being two-and-a-half stories because, as she said, “The attic is hardly worthy of being called a ‘story’ unto itself.”
The thought made Jana smile. Taffy was the only thing that made coming here bearable. Jana had long wanted to know the woman better. Now maybe she’d have that chance.
Jana looked again to the house with its dark blue shutters and glossy white porch. The porch itself was quite inviting. It wrapped around a good portion of the house and had several nice pieces of lawn furniture that beckoned her. It was an appropriate porch for such a large place. Jana remembered that within were massive rooms with high ceilings reminiscent of the Victorian age, rather than the 1950s, when it was built. It certainly had far more room than two older women could possibly have use for. It had a nice big yard too. That would be nice for the baby.
What am I thinking? I don’t plan to be here long enough for the baby to enjoy being outdoors. Jana shook the thoughts from her mind. I have to find a way to become self-sufficient in a very short time. I can’t stay here and endure my mother’s insults.
“Jana!” Taffy called from the porch.
Jana hadn’t even seen her aunt come out the front door. She forced a smile and waved, then froze in place as her mother stepped out behind Taffy.
“Jana, I thought you would never get here,” Taffy announced. She swept down the porch steps wearing some kind of mauve and green creation. Jana thought perhaps it was lounging pajamas, but as her aunt approached she could see it was more of a dinner party-type outfit. Far more dressy than Jana’s casual “after-six” arrival deserved.
“We expected you much earlier.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I stopped for lunch and it took longer than I thought it would,” Jana explained as Taffy embraced her. There was no sense in telling the older woman that the lunch stop had been extended due to Jana’s nausea.
“Don’t worry about your things just yet. Let’s first get you into the house and feed you. You must be famished,” Taffy said, pulling Jana along. “I’ve been cooking all afternoon and have a wonderful chicken pie made. I remembered that you liked that from last Christmas.”
“I did,” Jana replied. The thought of the sumptuous meal actually met with her stomach’s approval. “It sounds delicious.”
“Then come with me and eat. It will be light long into the evening, so there’s plenty of time to retrieve your things afterward.”
Jana did as she was told and allowed Taffy to take her to the house.
“Doesn’t our girl look great, Eleanor?” Taffy questioned as they mounted the stairs.
“She looks exhausted,” Eleanor said in a not quite insulting tone. The disapproval, however, was carried in her expression.
“I am tired,” Jana said, deciding to ignore her mother’s questionable look.
Taffy patted Jana’s arm. “Of course you are. We’ll make supper as easy on you as possible, then get you settled in your room. I’ve chosen to give you the Rose Room. It’s next to mine and one of my favorites.”
“Then I’m sure it will be my favorite too.” She was grateful that her mother remained silent.
Over supper Taffy chatted about Lomara and all the things that were going on. She mentioned her church on three different occasions but didn’t ask Jana about attending until the meal was nearly concluded.
“If you don’t mind,” Jana said with a quick glance in her mother’s direction, “I would like to stay home. I’m particularly worn from this week’s events, and I’d just like to have some quiet rest.”
“Of course.” Taffy offered Jana another helping of peach cobbler. “I’m entirely insensitive to have even suggested such a thing. Your mother will be here if you need anything at all, and I should be back by twelve-thirty. We can have a nice lunch in the backyard garden. Well, it’s not exactly a garden yet. The roses are just starting to bloom and the grass only greened up last week. We do things slowly here in Montana.”
Any other time Jana might have relished the idea, but right now she needed rapid results and instantaneous answers. Slow simply wasn’t in her vocabulary.
Eleanor dabbed her mouth with a napkin. “It’s supposed to rain tomorrow.”
Taffy considered this a moment. “I forgot. I did hear that on the weather this afternoon. Well, no matter. There will be plenty of time for outdoor dining.”
Jana was unable to suppress a yawn. She knew her mother
would consider it unacceptably rude, but she couldn’t help herself. Taffy immediately got to her feet. “We can clear this away later. Come, let’s help Jana get her things into the house.” She was nearly halfway across the dining room before Jana could even push back her chair.
“I wish I had half your energy,” she mumbled, not sure what else to say. She got to her feet to follow Taffy.
“I don’t suppose I need to tell you how awkward this is for me,” her mother suddenly said.
Jana stopped in midstep and turned. “I don’t suppose I need to tell you how awkward this is for me. At least you haven’t had your entire world turned upside down by someone you trusted to be there for the rest of your life.”
Eleanor lifted her chin in an almost defiant pose. “I hope you don’t plan to dump your baggage on us and cause grief to this household. We were enjoying a rather peaceful existence until you called.”
“So was I, Mother,” Jana said, turning to walk away. “So was I.”
She fumed over her mother’s words all the way out to the car. Why couldn’t the woman ever put Jana first, instead of always playing things out as to how they related to her needs—her feelings? Jana was convinced that her mother had never made a selfless move in her entire life.
Taffy had already taken it upon herself to pull one of Jana’s boxes from the back seat. “Is this all you have?” She glanced back over her shoulder at the car.
“Taffy, you shouldn’t be lifting such heavy things,” Jana said, taking the box from her great-aunt. “I have some things in the trunk as well, but if you want to help, there’s a sack of baked goods on the front seat. One of the women in my church made them for you and Mom.”
“Oh, how wonderful! I find church women to be the best cooks in the world.” Taffy’s enthusiasm helped to soften the blow of Eleanor’s words.
“All I really need tonight is this box,” Jana said, replacing the one Taffy had pulled out with another. “This has some of my clothes and overnight things. I can get the rest tomorrow.”
“Oh, that sounds like a perfect plan,” Taffy said, taking up the sack. She peered into it like a child unable to keep from sneaking a peak at her Christmas gifts. “I can smell wonderful things inside.”
Jana grinned. “I had some of my own on the way. And you’re right; they are wonderful.” She was amazed at how much lighter her heart felt in Taffy’s company.
“Well, come along and we’ll indulge later. I want to make sure the Rose Room is to your liking.”
Jana followed Taffy back into the house, having no idea where her mother had gone. She climbed the stairs, admiring the oak banisters and intricately carved newels at the base and landing. As if reading her mind, Taffy began to discuss the merits of the house.
“Cal spared no expense in building this place in the fifties. Then, of course, we had a large holding of land and the neighbors weren’t so close. Those houses were mostly built in the seventies and eighties. But in its day, this old house was a showpiece.”
“It still is. I think it’s beautiful.” And Jana meant every word. She had loved the house at first glance. Last winter, with snow trimming the porch and pine trees, the scene was suited for a postcard.
“Here we are,” Taffy said, opening the door. “The Rose Room.”
Jana stepped back in time as she crossed the threshold. She immediately had thoughts of Victorian sitting rooms. “It’s . . . well . . . it’s lovely.” It took her by surprise.
“You can change it any way you like. I think it’s rather perfect, but I know younger tastes often prefer a different way of decorating. You won’t hurt my feelings—even if you’d prefer to find another room altogether. We have three others that aren’t being used.”
Jana put the box on the floor. “I think this will do very nicely. It’s huge.” She thought immediately of the baby. She would want room for a crib and dressing table. Then just as the thought came, Jana chided herself once again for imposing herself into the future of this household. I’ll have my own place by then, she reminded herself.
“This room has served as refuge and respite for many people,” Taffy told her. She went about the room, adjusting the drapes and making sure the pictures were hanging straight. She looked toward the door and then glanced over her shoulder before leaning into Jana conspiratorially. “In fact, several high government officials have shared this room. Including the governor of New York and his wife, who, I believe, and quite scandalously so, conceived their third child in this very bed.”
Jana couldn’t help but giggle at the look on Taffy’s face. She was serious, but she had a devilish twinkle in her eyes.
“Taffy! That is an inappropriate thing to discuss,” Eleanor declared from the open doorway.
Taffy rolled her eyes. “It isn’t inappropriate. It’s true. The governor’s wife told me she suspected it herself.”
“Well, it’s a lovely room, and I’m certain it will suit me just fine,” Jana said, watching as Taffy turned down the covers.
“The bathroom is down the hall. I couldn’t remember if you’d ever made it upstairs for your brief visit at Christmas.”
“No, there just didn’t seem to be time.”
Taffy nodded, as if suddenly remembering. “Eleanor, you did put fresh towels in the linen closet, didn’t you?”
“Of course I did. Everything Jana could possibly need is easily accessible.”
Jana looked at her mother and back to Taffy. “I’m sure I’ll be fine.”
“Wonderful.” Taffy moved to the door where Eleanor remained. “We’ll leave you to see to your needs and get some sleep. I promise to be as quiet as a church mouse in the morning, and when I return, we shall have a wonderful lunch. Agreed?”
Jana couldn’t help but nod. “That sounds perfect.”
When Jana slipped between the crisp sheets of the queen-sized bed an hour later, she sighed. The comfort was immediate, and before she even realized it, sleep came upon her and eased her pain.
****
Eleanor set the table for lunch and then went back to the kitchen to finish preparing the salad. Taffy hadn’t instructed her to create a meal, but since she’d promised one to Jana, Eleanor figured the responsibility fell to her shoulders. After all, if they waited for Taffy to put it together, it would be two o’clock before they could sit down to eat.
Eleanor glanced upward and thought of Jana’s arrival. Her daughter hadn’t even bothered to come downstairs for breakfast. In fact, there’d not been so much as a single bit of noise coming from the Rose Room. Had Eleanor not been worried about how Jana might take the intrusion, she would have checked on her daughter. Something didn’t seem quite right with Jana, but Eleanor had yet to put her finger on it. She knew of course that Jana was distraught over the breakup of her marriage, but there was something more. Of this Eleanor was certain.
It was strange to have Jana in the same house—living there as though all the years behind them had never taken place. They were both used to living in uncomfortable silences when it came to the past. Jana understood that this was Eleanor’s wish, and while she had never had any real degree of sympathy for her mother’s needs, Jana at least respected this one desire.
But how long could it last? How long could Jana be there with them and not cause the past to rear its ugly head—steal the only years of peace and contentment Eleanor had known?
“Hello, Mother,” Jana announced from the archway into the dining room.
Eleanor looked up and noted her daughter’s appearance. She was dressed in a casual zip-up maroon sweater, sleeves pushed up and neckline opened a bit. Her black jeans revealed a slender frame. “Did you sleep well?”
“Like the dead. I just woke up about fifteen minutes ago. I think it’s the first real sleep I’ve had since . . .” The words trailed off.
“So what are your plans, Jana? Are you getting a divorce?” Eleanor didn’t mean for the questions to sound so interrogative, but years of no-nonsense business deals had left her with a certain
standard and approach.
She heard Jana sigh, then watched as her only child walked to the back door and looked out on the yard. “Rob had papers served to me prior to my leaving Spokane. I brought them with me, and I suppose I’ll have to get in touch with the lawyer at some point.” She turned around. “As for my plans . . . well, I really don’t have any.”
The sound of a car door slamming let Eleanor know that Taffy was home. Stanley, ever sweet on Taffy, had shown up faithfully to drive her to church. She wished Taffy wouldn’t ride with the man; he was ancient and no doubt negligent behind the wheel. But Taffy wouldn’t hear any of Eleanor’s concerns.
“That will be Taffy,” Eleanor stated. She picked up the salad bowl and motioned to a basket of bread. “Bring that, would you?”
Jana nodded. “Something smells good.”
“It’s lasagna. I made it this morning.”
Jana followed her into the dining room, the uneasy truce between them threatening to break at any moment. Eleanor could feel her daughter’s contempt, but she refused to acknowledge it. Not now. Not with Taffy due to bound through the door at any moment.
And bound she did. The elderly woman swept into the room like a grand dame of regal background. She wore a bold purple suit and a huge hat that was trimmed in all manner of decoration. Eleanor cringed inwardly and forced condemning comments from her lips.
“Taffy! You look wonderful! And what a great hat.” Jana’s enthusiasm only served to frustrate Eleanor further. Jana had said nothing about Eleanor’s cream-colored sweater and camel-colored slacks. The outfit was far more distinguished than her aunt’s brazen attempt to thumb her nose at sensible fashion.
“Why, I simply love to wear hats. I think everyone should wear them. Back in my day, a lady never went out without a hat; it simply wasn’t appropriate. Gloves too. Why, I was just telling Eleanor the other day that women should wear gloves more often. They give you a feeling that nothing else can. A sort of elegance in tiny white packages.” Taffy turned to the dining room buffet mirror and pulled a large hatpin from the oversized creation. She pulled the hat from her head and replaced the pin before placing the hat atop the buffet.
What She Left for Me Page 9