“Well, that’s the way pagans usually feel,” Taffy quipped.
Jana’s head shot up. “I’m not a pagan.”
Taffy laughed. “No, you’re not. So stop acting like one.”
Jana seemed to consider this a moment. “I just don’t think I understand God any better than I do my mother.”
“Are you trying to understand Him?”
“What do you mean?”
Taffy cocked her head to one side. “Are you reading His Word? Are you praying for insight?”
Jana lowered her head again. “Well . . . not exactly.”
“Then why get mad that you don’t understand? Quite frankly, there’s a lot I don’t understand, but the Bible has taught me that sometimes it’s all about walking in faith. That I don’t necessarily get to know the answers.”
“So I might never understand why Rob and Mom have done the things they’ve done. Is that it? If it is, what comfort is there in that?”
“None,” Taffy said solidly. “Why should there be comfort in anything of this earth? Comfort is found in the Lord alone—not in earthly understandings or human relationships. Oh, of course we find comfort of sorts in our relationships, but it’s not lasting. People die.”
“Mom said that her father told her she should never need anyone. That seems to be a philosophy she’s taken to heart.”
“Excuse me for saying it, but this world is full of all sorts of false theologies and philosophies,” Stanley threw in.
“Stanley’s right. The world would tell you that there are many ways to happiness—to peace of mind—to eternal life. But the Bible says there is only one. One way.”
“Jesus,” Jana whispered. “I remember that verse in John that says, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life.’ ”
“Exactly. If you can’t find your way through all of this, remember that verse. If you think the truth is obscured and you feel desperate for it, remember that verse. When you feel like your life is over, remember that verse,” Taffy said, reaching out to take hold of Jana’s hands. “Jana, I really don’t think you are looking for earthly understanding as much as you are spiritual . . . heavenly understanding.”
Twenty
“We’re heading off now,” Taffy called to Jana.
Jana emerged from the kitchen, where she’d been putting away dishes from the dishwasher. “How long will it take for you to get to Missoula?”
“Only a couple of hours,” Taffy replied. “Unless your mother drives like a pastor.”
Jana looked at her great-aunt oddly. “What in the world do you mean?”
Taffy laughed. “Every pastor I’ve ever ridden with—anywhere—went well over the speed limit. I figure it’s because they’re prayed up and feel confident of the situation. Either that or they figure to scare their passengers into salvation.”
Jana laughed. “Rob drove fast too.” The memory sobered her. She sighed. “Well, I wish I felt more like going,” she said, rubbing her abdomen. Up until that morning she’d fully planned to make the trip. “I’m afraid given the way I feel, it would be a mistake. I’m just worn out today and a little bit on the green side. I thought I was past the morning sickness.”
“Are you sure you’ll be all right by yourself?” Taffy questioned. “We could put this off for a couple of days.”
“I’m fine; I’m not disabled—just pregnant.” Jana hoped Taffy wouldn’t cancel her trip.
“Well, if you’re sure.” Taffy looked at her as if trying to size up the situation.
“I’ll be great. Go on without me.”
Taffy nodded. “You rest and enjoy the day. Don’t worry about fixing any supper. We’ll be back around eight or nine tonight, so I’m sure we’ll eat in town. I have your list of things and your sizes. And I have lots of party shopping to do.”
The twenty-fourth of July was Taffy’s eightieth birthday, and she was throwing herself a party. Eleanor thought it scandalous and chided her aunt for not allowing her and Jana to organize the celebration. But Taffy would not relent.
“Who better to throw me a birthday party than me?” she had said.
“What are you planning for us?” Jana asked, sizing up her great-aunt. Taffy had dressed for the shopping trip in an emerald-green pantsuit with a wild, almost psychedelic, patterned blouse.
“Oh, we’ll have such fun. It’ll all be outside, of course,” Taffy began. “We’ll invite all of the neighborhood, and I’m going to have the dinner catered.”
“There’s going to be a dinner?” Jana asked.
“Oh yes. A dinner, a dance . . . a regular whirling dervish.” Her aunt laughed in great amusement. “And a photographer to take pictures so that I might remember it all in the years to come. One does not turn eighty every day, after all.”
“It sounds like a lot of fun,” Jana admitted.
“It sounds like a lot of work,” her mother added as she stepped into the room.
“Oh, pshaw. I’m hiring most of it done,” Taffy declared. “You won’t have to weary yourself with it.”
“I wasn’t worried about that,” Eleanor replied. “It just seems a bit out of control.”
Taffy grinned and winked at Jana. “Sometimes we have to be a bit out of control. But only a bit. We’ll still be very sensible. I haven’t completely lost my faculties, even though you think I have.”
“I have never said any such thing,” Eleanor said rather indignantly.
“Well, be that as it may, we need to get started or we might as well spend the night in Missoula. I want time to eat out—especially at the Montana Club. No sense going to Missoula if you can’t eat there.”
Jana thought Taffy had a wonderful perspective on life. Even Jana’s mother never managed to get the best of the older woman. Taffy had a flare for living and a zest for life and mankind that Jana had never known. Not once in my life, Jana thought, have I ever known her kind of enthusiasm.
She watched them leave, Eleanor chiding Taffy about her shoes, questioning whether they’d be good for walking long distances. Jana thought the silver sandals trimmed in beadwork were charming, but for once she wondered if her mother was right about her concerns.
Taffy waved Eleanor off and got into the car without another word. Jana smiled. “I want to grow up to be just like you, Taffy.”
Jana spent the next couple of hours going through magazines and catalogs for nursery furniture. It had been her plan to settle into some serious buying for the nursery. She was wearing her first maternity outfit that day, a white and yellow capri set with delicate flowers embroidered on the blouse. She felt ever so maternal, as the style accentuated her growing stomach. There was something about maternity clothes that made the pregnancy seem all the more real to her.
Jana had planned to go shopping in Missoula; the excitement of picking out baby accessories was something that had kept her in a positive, upbeat spirit. She hated missing out on the trip, but to compensate, Taffy had suggested she shop by catalog for some things and give them a list for the others. Jana had complied, giving Taffy a list of various items that she was certain the older woman would have no difficulty finding.
Jana enjoyed dreaming over the tiny clothes and nursery furniture. For a time, she was able to set aside the serious nature of her situation, but the questions continued to lurk in her mind. What if the state of Washington decided she was an accessory to the crime Jason had committed? What if she actually ended up going to prison? She shuddered.
“I can’t think that way.”
She forced her attention back to the catalogs and turned page after page in first one and then another. Her mother had surprised them all by suggesting they go online to see what was available there. Jana hadn’t even realized there was a computer in the house. Her mother explained that it was in her room and, as if Jana were four years old, told her that if she would refrain from disturbing anything else, she was welcome to use it.
Ever since their talk about her mother’s past, Eleanor had been different. Jana wasn’t sure w
hy or what it signaled, but her mother honestly hadn’t seemed quite so closed up—so harsh. It was a welcome change, but Jana wondered how long she could count on it. Jana had tried on a couple of occasions to instigate another conversation about her mother’s childhood, but Eleanor had merely redirected the subject. Rather than being confrontational, she had simply moved to another arena. It seemed more tolerable than fighting.
Jana was getting up to call in an order for a lovely white crib when the doorbell sounded. She thought it might be Stanley coming over to bring some tomatoes he’d promised Taffy. He was very proud of his hothouse efforts and loved to share them with Taffy. To be honest, Jana was sure that Stanley loved Taffy, but nothing was ever mentioned about this.
Jana put the catalog aside and went to let him in. She opened the door with a smile, but instead of finding Stanley there, Jana came face-to-face with Kerry Broadbent—the one woman she’d hoped never to see again.
For several moments Jana couldn’t think clearly. Memories rushed to her mind, swirling around her and paralyzing her with something akin to fear. She wanted to say something, but the words wouldn’t come. Instead, she stepped back a couple of paces, almost as if to distance herself from her enemy.
“Jana, I know this is awkward, but—” Kerry suddenly gasped and tears came to her eyes. She sobbed out the next phrase. “So you are pregnant.” Her gaze was fixed on Jana’s midsection.
Jana’s defenses went into place as she armed herself with sarcasm. “Yes, I’m pregnant. Did you think I would lie about something like that?”
Kerry pulled a tissue from her purse and wiped her eyes but continued to look at Jana. “Jason told me you’d said that, but I thought maybe it was just your way of getting at Rob. That you were lying in order to get him back.”
Jana crossed her arms. “Why would I have wanted him back? After he took everything I had and betrayed me with you, what life could we have had together?”
Kerry shook her head. “Look, I’m doing this all wrong. I know this isn’t easy for you. It’s not easy for me either, but I’m begging you to hear me out.”
Jana wanted to slam the door in her face. She was grateful that her mother and Taffy were gone for the day. “I don’t know why I should give you the time of day,” she finally replied.
“You certainly don’t owe me anything, but I feel like it’s the right thing to do, to come here and . . . and answer any questions you might have. No matter how difficult that might be. For both of us.”
“Oh, you mean questions like why you thought it acceptable to steal my husband? Or how a woman who calls herself a Christian could violate not only her own marriage vows but seduce a man of God away from his calling? Those kinds of questions?” Jana didn’t care how snide she sounded.
Kerry wept and nodded. “You have a right to ask those questions and more. Seriously, Jana, I want to give you answers.”
Jana couldn’t help but be intrigued by Kerry. After all, no one else wanted to give her answers. “All right. I’ll let you in on one condition. When I say you need to leave, you leave. Do you understand?”
“I do, and that’s fine, Jana. You have the right to call all of the shots.”
Jana wanted to comment but didn’t. Instead, she motioned to the living room. “Have a seat.”
She followed Kerry into the room, noting that the woman was stylishly dressed in a red blouse and navy slacks. The jewelry she wore nicely matched the colors she’d chosen but didn’t appear ostentatious or over the top. The jewelry reminded Jana of how Rob had taken her precious keepsakes. She wondered if he’d given them to Kerry and decided to ask her flat out.
“Do you have my jewelry?”
“No. Rob pawned it,” she admitted. “Along with most everything else he took from the house.”
Jana was disappointed. She had hoped that at least if he’d given it to Kerry, she might get it back. “And I don’t suppose you know where he pawned it?”
“No. I’m sorry, but I don’t. He had everything ready when we left.”
“Sounds like him. You do realize he took not only the jewelry he gave me, but pieces that my great-aunt had given me as well? Pieces that were family keepsakes.”
“I’m sorry, Jana. I didn’t know.” Kerry seemed to compose herself.
They fell silent, just staring at each other. Jana didn’t know how to make the conversation work. She felt like hurling insults and condemnation, but there were so many unanswered questions, and Jana feared if she didn’t remain calm, she might never hear what Kerry had to say about any of it.
Kerry broke the silence. “Jana, first I want to say how sorry I am. I know that seems like a lousy offering, but it’s an honest one. I never meant for this to happen. It got out of control before I realized it.”
Jana bit back a retort. “Why don’t you tell me how it did happen, because I have no clue. I never saw it coming. In fact, I thought we were secure enough to start a family.”
“You didn’t have any reason to think this would happen. I truly believe Rob was very happy with you and the church.” She looked at the knotted tissue in her hands. “My marriage has never been all that happy. Jason was so much older than me that at times I felt like I was living with my father. His parents and mine had been good friends, and we were pushed together—expected to marry. I went along with it because I didn’t think I had any better prospects. But it wasn’t for love, and that made it wrong.” She paused and looked at Jana as if expecting some sort of affirmation.
“Go on.” Jana had no desire to enter the conversation. She was barely holding on to her restraint as it was.
“Well, things got worse over the years. Jason was never really there for me. He was always tied up with the business or too tired to care. I was always complaining and nagging for him to change, and it always turned ugly, or else I came away from the situation feeling more alone than when I’d gone into it. I remember once forcing Jason to dress up and take me to a new restaurant. He was miserable the whole evening, but he sat there and went through the motions. When we got home that night, I realized we’d spent nearly a hundred dollars to be more unhappy than if we’d stayed at home. It was awful.”
Kerry stared off to the wall behind Jana. “I told Jason that if things didn’t change, I would leave. He told me I could do or have anything I wanted—whatever would make me happy. He let me spend outrageous amounts of money, remodel the house, take trips. He didn’t care. His only provision was that I not divorce him.
“When I started working for Rob, I asked him to counsel me one day. I told him about the situation and Rob advised me to sit down and set some goals with my husband. He suggested marital counseling with a therapist he knew, and that was that. It was all perfectly innocent.”
“At that point maybe.”
This brought Kerry’s gaze back to focus on her. You called me friend, Jana thought, seething at the misery and pain in Kerry’s reflection. I don’t want to care about you in this. I don’t want to care about how much you’re hurting. But Jana’s heart wasn’t quite hard enough to ignore the woman’s anguish altogether. There was something about the suffering in Jana’s own soul that cried out in recognition at this woman’s pain.
“Yes, at that point, it was innocent. Rob would ask me how I was doing—how things were going. It seemed he was the only person in the world who cared. I started depending on him more and more for my affirmation. I’d come and tell him what I’d done to try to fix my marriage, and he would assure me I was on the right path.”
“That doesn’t explain how it turned into an adulterous affair,” Jana finally interjected.
“No, it doesn’t. I suppose because I started turning to Rob more often than I did Jason, things just developed. One day we decided to go for a drive. Rob had to deliver some papers to one of the elders and then to the bank. I went along as his secretary, and then afterward we drove to a park and sat and talked. Rob told me that you were unhappy and he figured you were probably going to leave him.”
“Oh, last year, I think it was shortly after Christmas. He said you were upset because the two of you had gone to see your mother and she didn’t like Rob and things kind of blew up. He said you were angry with him for making your mom mad.”
“Well, part of that’s true,” Jana had to admit. “We did visit my mom here at the house. And he did make her mad, and she made him mad. I was fed up with both of them, but I calmed down on the way home and told Rob we didn’t ever have to see her again if that would make him happy.”
“He didn’t tell me that part. From that point on he was the one talking about marital problems. We talked to each other because we thought no one else would understand. Rob said you couldn’t get into the things he loved because you were so much younger. I would tell him how Jason wasn’t interested in the things I loved because he was so much older. We were spending more and more time together, and one day, when I was crying, Rob took me in his arms. Things just got out of hand.”
“I don’t want to know any of those details,” Jana said flatly. She already had visions of Kerry in Rob’s arms, and it was unbearable.
“Jana, I came here today because I want you to know how sorry I am,” Kerry said, her eyes filling again with tears. “If I could redo everything, I would. I would do it completely different, and Rob would still be with you. I honestly didn’t set out to take Rob away from you. I didn’t want to hurt you. I always liked you—thought you were a breath of fresh air for our church.”
“I don’t care how sorry you are,” Jana said, getting to her feet. “Do you suppose sorry makes it all right? I have a child on the way—a child who will grow up without a father. Do you suppose sorry will help him when he longs for a father’s embrace?” Jana began to pace in front of Kerry. “I grew up without a father. I know how that feels. The emptiness cannot be filled. You sentenced my child to that same punishment.”
“I know.” Kerry barely breathed the words.
“I went to Africa thinking everything was fine. I was doing a mission for the Lord. I was happy and enthusiastic to come back and share what I’d learned and seen. I never had a chance, however. I never saw my husband again. Instead, I learned that Rob had stripped me of everything—money, possessions, dignity.” She stopped and looked hard at Kerry. “I had to get out of the parsonage in less than a week. I had to sell everything in order to have money to move. I had to humble myself and deal with my mother—who doesn’t want anything to do with me—to beg for a place to stay.”
What She Left for Me Page 17